Vanderpump Rules put up some great numbers this season and the numbers just kept on growing. For that reason, we have a three part reunion. Even though it could all be covered in a half an hour.
On look, it’s Andy. Ugh. Andy wants to talk about James showing up half nekkid to SUR showing off is um…”sex wounds.” I don’t know why anyone cares about this. Thanks to you guys, now all I can see is everyone’s bad makeup. When I recap, I am not watching the screen that much so I was not as distracted last week.
Next more of the James, Jax, Lala triangle that is more of a giant polygon. James wants to be Jax, blah, blah, blah.
Andy keeps going on and on Katie and Schwartz’s sex life. All I really want to know is what is Katie thinking with that hair? Every season it is some sort of catastrophe! Remember the season her hair was orange? Why doesn’t she look back on that season and realize she needs a really good hairdresser who will not listen to her AT ALL, and fix her hair. She’s a pretty girl. She just makes terrible hair choices. This season she wants to do things to the top back part of her head, where a bump it would be if she was Snooki. I just don’t’ get it.
Britanny is out with the gang now. I am not buying her southern hick routine. I do not believe anyone in this day and age does not Google a guy before they move three thousand miles to live with them. I mean I Google someone I am meeting for a coffee! These two actually seem to be for real though as far as the relationship goes. They are traveling all over the country together in the filming off season. Andy asks Britanny if she got the boobs she wanted or the boobs Jax wanted. He asks her this every time he sees her. Andy is so totally obsessed with boobs. Straight men are not this obsessed with boobs. It is literally all he wants to talk about with her. They do get to mention that they have moved out of the studio apartment. A lot of them have to keep their shitty apartments as part of their contract. Because the series is supposed to be about restaurant employees. They were only making 30 some odd thousand dollars for their first season and they are not paid like housewives even now. They are not even paid like Teen Moms. But the do a LOT of Vegas parties and promotional things year round so they are all doing very well. Especially Jax and the Toms. This segment is literally exactly the same interview Andy did with them on #WWHL
They talk about the Toms bailing on the LVP Sangria promotional jobs. Everyone acts like it is just terrible that they didn’t want to work hard and show up at places. Um, pot, kettle?
More talk about Ariana. Scheana nicknamed Ariana “Bitchy Barbie.” They both seem fine with their new, not very close relationship. Katie says that Ariana is Debbie Downer. Ariana is wearing a black band around her neck. Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race but that always makes me think of someone trying to hide their Adam’s apple. Andy asks her if she doesn’t realize that she acts like she is better than everyone else. She says until she tell someone she thinks she is better than they are, or that she is on a different plane… then it’s just an assumption. Katie jumps in to say that Ariana says she has to dumb herself down for them. And, well she probably does. Sorry Katie if that hurts your feelings. Katie names all the girls except Kristen and says they are all her friend. But she is not “in a group.” She rants about how toxic their situation is and it blows her mind that they can’t see it. The whole they can’t see it because they are too dumb thing is implied. I have an idea Ariana, why don’t you and your sexually fluid man skip on off to Iowa and become corn farmers or something? That seems like a nice wholesome idea.
Andy asks Ariana if therapy has changed Kristen. She says she thinks it has changed the way that she knows how to behave in people. Well then, brainiac, a simple yes would do. You could use some work on how to behave in front of people yourself. This season no one wanted to hang out with you.
There is this huge argument about whether or not Kristen should have gone to Hawaii. Jax hates James and he got invited. Sandoval keeps trying to “make a point” and repeats that he is trying to make his point several times. Andy gives Sandoval the condescending “Sweetie” treatment and Sandoval says ” Don’t give me that look, man! Cause it just puts me in my head and makes it ten times worse.” Two points to Sandoval for calling Andy out on that shit. Sandoval was mad that Jax made a comment at dinner about James and Lala being there when he wanted Kristen there.
LVP is giving Ariana condescending looks because she is talking about how Scheana texted to her mother negatively about Sandoval. You don’t come for LVP’s star witness in front of LVP Ariana, you are slitting your own throat. I guess that is okay though because you already have a black bandage to wrap around it to stop the bleeding. Scheana’s head is huge. I think it is because she is a bag of bones. Oh LVP is defending Ariana now. Lala and Sandoval are screaming at Scheana.
We talk about Katie’s freak out over Lala swimming topless. Lala and the other girl swimming topless is a ridiculous thing be freaked out by. Thank you! LVP! She if finally pointing out that this whole topless nonsense is a stupid American thing. And on top of that, we have seen every single last one of these bitches topless!
I feel like I have seen this reunion episode. Now we are talking about Jax lying about all his skanky ways while Britanny was in Kentucky. We keep rehashing this to death. But he knew he was going to get caught when the show aired! I literally just checked to see if this was a rerun. It’s showing a new show. So far nothing new.
Time to talk about the sunglasses theft in Hawaii. Britanny says she was waiting for Jax at the bar for 30 minutes while he was out making the heist. He comes back and says that he got her a present and hands her the sunglasses. LVP interrupts as the voice of reason again and wonders why Britanny didn’t think it was weird to get the sunglasses with no bag, no box, no case, no nothing. Then Scheana interrupts to say that Jax bought her the same sunglasses at Sunglass Hut and they do the same thing. They don’t give you the Tiffany packaging. This is not true I bought someone a pair of Oakleys from Sunglass Hut and he got the case, the box, the Sunglass Hut bag and most importantly I got the receipt. Why is Scheana who Jax has crapped on all season saying his milk has a longer shelf life than her stupid marriage jumping in to lie for Jax? At any rate, no one will let Britanny tell her version of the story which is the first thing I have found interesting on this entire show. Nobody buys Tiffany sunglasses without the box.
Jax says he has been in jail five times. He lists some of the reasons. Two DUIs, suspended license…. then he pauses and says, “nothing criminal!” Andy follows that up with a question to Britanny, “If you knew he had a criminal record and had been to jail five times would you have still moved out here?” She says she doesn’t know Andy asks LVP why she didn’t fire him. She says she just felt like that would be kicking him while he was down and that it didn’t happen at SUR. Jax says he is trying to get better. Jax says he has changed his mind about marriage. Sandoval says he can steal Britanny a wedding ring.
Sidenote: I think I may have to stop to call 911. There have been several either loud gunshots or explosions over the past ten or fifteen minutes. I’m hoping someone else will do it. It sort of sounded like an electric box blowing up the first time. For now, I guess I will just keep the doors locked and wait. But I can’t recap until the dog stops barking like a nutcase.#GhettoLife
Scheana looks really creepy. Like she needs medical help of some sort. I am not saying this in the sense I am judging her looks. I am saying that something is wrong with her.
Stassi is out and so are her boobs. Of course Andy talks about them. She says she got them reduced and lifted. They don’t look lifted to me. I don’t understand having a slit down to your navel for all of these reunion shows. I’m not a prude at all. And at least their boobs aren’t as old and swollen as the housewives.
Stassi, who is oddly #TeamKristen this season goes straight for the twatty dishwasher and the way he speaks to women. Why? Why even acknowledge his existence? Was she in more than one scene with the kid? Stassi looks hideous. She said she just had her boobs and her lips done but her face looks fat and she has more chins than I do. James is really putting on his fake English accent. Okay maybe she doesn’t have extra chins. I think the lighting is just very bad.
Sandoval is very worked up. Why? He seems super angry and near tears this entire episode. LVP says that Stassi doesn’t care about any of them and she is only back to be on TV. Which is true. But I think that is true for most all of them. LVP has a big Adan’s apple scarf around her neck too. I don’t think any woman to tie a scarf tightly around their throats. LVP wants Stassi to acknowledge that she would be nothing without her. Stassi doesn’t agree.
Next Week: Katie and Schwartz fight. James and Kristen fight. James and Jax fight. And Sandoval continues just seething in his chair.
P.S. Things settled down and no siren ever happened. So who knows what all the loud bands were.