This is not really a recap. Teen Mom is one of those shows I just watch in a shroud of shame alone at 12:32 in the morning while drinking and thinking I should be in bed. Okay, it became a recap. Because, TRAINWRECK.
Kailyn used to be my favorite. She seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders but I always end up liking her husbands better. I think she has a problem letting her relationship partner take any control. She has abandonment issues and it tends to make her take over every situation and judge everyone.
Jo has gained a lot of weight and thinks a awful chin beard will help. It doesn’t.
I don’t understand the family photos with Jo and whatsher name. She is just trying to piss off Javi and it’s working. I’m so pissed with Kailyn and her crappy parenting. Kailyn, Jo, Jo’s baby mama, Isaac and Lincoln go out for Chinese. Because that is a great place for children. None of them understand why Javi is mad. Um, perhaps because your husband is home alone while you hang out with your ex with his kid? Kaitlyn thinks that her children are just hers and if she feels like letting them hang out with her husband or her ex she will. It’s annoying.
I don’t remember this chick from her original season. She seems normal. But her ex,Adam, is a hot mess. Um why is Aubree starting Kindergarten at age six???
My God she has a giant pig on the couch. Like the real live kind of pig.
Speaking of pigs, Adam is running out of skin to tattoo.
But it just started with Janelle saying ” Ever since I signed custody of Jase over to my mother, we haven’t always agreed on how to parent him.” THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AN UNFIT PARENT AND SHE IS A FUCKING SAINT. If you knew how to be a parent your mother would be able to enjoy menopause without all this hassle, you fucking fucktard.
Oh.Oh. Wait. Three sentences later she said she thought she would do better with Doughnut, or Bagel or Kaiser Roll or whatever she named the next unfortunate child, but that baby daddy also dumped her and she was arrested for assaulting the replacement model.
This just keeps getting better. “Since then, I graduated from medical assisting school and moved back to North Carolina. ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA, IF YOU ARE IN A FACILITY THAT HIRES THIS WOMAN TO EMPTY YOUR BEDPANS, PULL OUT ALL OF YOUR IVs AND RUN TO THE NEAREST EXIT WITH YOUR ASS HANGING OUT. Even that ending up on Youtube is better than letting this chick anywhere near you.
I am four minutes in and shocked every ten seconds. Janelle has this huge phone in a huge case. It’s hysterical. It’s all very Austin Powers and turquoise and shit. She is pretty. She looks very thin. Must be the Meth. Allegedly. Fuck. I am going to recap this whole show.
Later, we talk to Janelle’s lawyer. This is like the 47th lawyer Janelle has had.
Doughnut’s dad says doughnut would be better off with him. He already has a new mommy in place. She is exactly the kind of woman you would think would take Janelle’s sloppy seconds.
Every time Janelle makes her mother cry I just want to bitch slap her.
Oh yeah, Leah is the one who went to rehab for anxiety and depression. Funny, no one ever mentioned that option to me. Generally flying off to rehab means drug problem. Wait, you live 45 minutes away from the kids’ school that starts at 7:15? You have never been able to get them there in the first place? And now… oh please. He is totally getting custody. The girls want Leah to buy them something for sack lunch from the gas station. This is like watching child abuse. As Leah is probably drunk texting on her phone at 6 am the oldest kid is furious she won’t stop to get her something for lunch The kid says , “Take me back home. I don’t trust you. You are always worried about everything else but picking us up and giving us lunch. I’m cold and I don’t have nothing to eat. You never get us up for breakfast.” This breaks my heart. I know hundreds of this kid. These are the kids that teachers feed, braid their hair, wash their clothes and put them back on them and then get bitched at by the parents for braiding the kid’s hair poorly during parent teach conferences.
Later, Addie and Leah go to lunch with Leah’s cousin. Addie is exhausted after being hauled around since 5 am. Leah complains about having to get up at 5 am and Gracie expecting breakfast when she can just eat it at school. As she is trying to explain how Corey is going to use anything else against her, she opens a packet of Sugar in the Raw to hand to her toddler daughter to shut her up while she films. I hate the woman. Now the kid is eating Sweet and Low. I don’t know why production did not step in and stop that. One packet of sugar would be really bad, but Sweet and Low would be worse and the kid is apparently having the entire container of sweeteners as her appetizer to her pizza entrée. I don’t know how old she is, but isn’t the one with muscular dystrophy?
Leah clearly looks like she is on drugs driving to a doctor’s appointment while the girls swill Mountain Dews in the back seat. I think this should be illegal to just film. I guess their lawyer says because the camera is in the car, and no personnel are they are not liable.
If Leah’s second husband doesn’t file for custody of his kid, he’s an idiot.
Corey and Leah get bad news about the girl who as MD. It hits Corey hard but Leah doesn’t seem to get it. Also he talks about asking for a wheelchair through Make- A – Wish which was chilling. And also ridiculous. She has plenty of money for a wheelchair.
The host says that Leah was very emotional in all of the scenes where she was driving a car. She says that it was because that was before she went to “treatment” and everyone thinks she was on drugs but she was just very tired a lot. Um, okay. I can’t imagine why everyone looks at that and says you are on drugs. I have had serious bouts with anxiety and depression and that looks like someone on uppers to me not someone treating anxiety.
Kailyn can’t figure out why Javi would not want her hanging out with her ex and taking his kid with her on the weekends. She says she has never figured it out.Kailyn’s hair is …well there is a bun where a bumpit might be and all the rest of her hair is down. Um, noe. Javi is deployed now and makes a video appearance on the how. Helook adorable. #TeamJavi Kailyn looks a bit irritated that he is Skyping into the show. Because? Not in her control.
Chelsea is adorable. Aubree is adorable.
Jenelle is rambling about her latest charges and/or her mugshot collection while wearing um…rose colored leggings and a see through blacktop? That really doesn’t begin to describe what I am seeing here. Oh and we get a tweet about Janelle threatening not to come. Y’all I am not down with all the Teen Mom gossip. I used to love to read it at Reality Tea but I have not had time in months. I did see something on my Twitter feed about her refusing to show up and leaving in an ambulance. I think she has the Lyme or something but not the kind that stops her from getting into hair and makeup.
Keeping up with all of Janelle’s mugshots alone is time consuming. I would like to recap this show but since it airs on Monday, it would have to happen on a night where I am up late cleaning up my DVR.
Unless….there was a lot of interest.