In honor of tonight’s Vanderpump Rules finale, I’m drinking LVP Sangria. Yes, the embargo has been lifted here in Large Texas City – a new store is now carrying the Sangria (Thanks, World Market!) after being banished from the Major Chain (Goody Goody Liquor, which is a damn damn fine store that I frequent often). And if you follow TT, you know I just unblinded something. (And some people only got THIS CLOSE! )
Jax returns from Hawaii and drops some major one liners, that, taken out of context, make me giggle.
“I just need to keep my nose clean.” Ahem.
“I haven’t gone to bed in 24 hours.” Ahem again.
“My mind is finally slowing down a little bit.” Ahem infinity.
“…and the TV was stuck on German!” Which flashes me back to South Park German Scheisser videos. Oh my.
He picks a fight with Brittany – obviously doing exactly what he always does, which is test her until she either breaks or proves her mettle. In this case, it culminates in his ordering her to find him a bigger apartment. She’s not doing anything other than supporting the household and recovering from elective surgery, so of course she can play realtor. Jax is obviously detoxing, allegedly and is increasingly horrid to Brittany, who actually looks to the cameraman for support that will never come.
We immediately cut (great edit!) to Stassi in her new apartment. Her first order of business is to order Kristen to clean the floor, and Kristen, no longer our brave heroine with a heart of gold and spine of steel, slips back into MinionMode, happy in a Lacey Chabert in “Mean Girls” serving her Queen Bee way.
At SUR, James claims he has been sober for several weeks but HAS been texting Kristen lately while still continuing his “relationship” with Lala, saying that he is going to go through “whatever door is going to open up the widest.” I’d make a snarky comment, but it’s an obviously scripted line meant to evoke audience outrage, and I refuse to participate.
Lala is going to Katie and Schwartz’s Engagement Party (theme is “Leather and Lace,” cue Stevie Nicks, if any of these people, other than the elderly Mr. Taylor, knew who Stevie Nicks IS) and is talking to Scheana (why? Don’t they hate each other?), but Scheana is worried about Arianna. Kristen called Lala a “ratchet whore,” and Lala is offended by the “whore” part but not the “ratchet” part.
Sandoval resigns himself to the fact that Jax will forever be in his life.
LVP sweeps in and asks Jax about his case. Jax minimizes it, LVP calls him out, Jax gets heated and yells, LVP tells Jax to “Get out of my face!”
At the Engagement Party setup, LVP descends from her castle to nitpick about a party she is not involved in, other than it being on her land. She points out it’s hot and there are no umbrellas. Katie forgot umbrellas. Ariana is sick of Scheana’s “pageant queen persona.”
At this point we have dueling narratives of everyone getting ready for the party, several streams that eventually converge at Casa de Pump. Highlights include Stassi and Kristen putting on their stealth makeup to crash the party and Stassi continually putting Kristen down, saying that while, she, Stassi, has dignity and self respect, Kristen is “unburdened by those anchors.” Kristen says that “if I can aid making (James) feel a little bit good” (translation: I gave him a blowie on my Beemer) perhaps James will grow into the good person she knows he is. Later Stassi says that Kristen has a shame-ectomy. Meanwhile, Brittany is concerned about meeting Stassi and Jax seeing Stassi again.
It’s party time and suddenly there are umbrellas! It’s production magic! All the families arrive (except for Katie and Schwartz’s respective fathers – Katie’s has to work and Schwartz’s has a fear of flying) and, let me emphasize this, KATIE’S BROTHERS ARE HOT. Like, Pause Button HOT. All the ladies in the family meet LVP and are adorable. Scheana is upset she and drunken Lala have the same haircut and that Sandoval and Ariana have commandeered a private table for two and spend the afternoon blowing bubbles (Arianna) and fanning themselves with a Chinese fan like a refugee from a Tennessee Williams play (Sandoval).
Kristen and Stassi show up. Katie is happy that they are here and Stassi says “I’m glad I’m here.” LVP does not throw them out but refuses to play into their nonsense. Good on LVP for either 1) sticking to the script or 2) not drawing attention to them by throwing them out. Brittany meets Stassi and Stassi does not know how to deal with someone without pretensions. James brings the PUMP cd to the party (he worked on it in secret) and give it to LVP, who is so proud of him for staying sober and working hard. This is important. Remember it.
Drunk Lala sees James hugging Kristen and starts seething. Kristen says that “the James I slept with the other night” is the good James. Jax stands this close to Stassi and Stassi doesn’t acknowledge him.
LVP LITERALLY gives a blessing and asks if anyone else has anything else to say. Kristen raises her hand, and LVP says No, but Kristen gets up anyway and gives a long, rambling speech. Everyone is bored but it’s drunken Lala who shouts out “Wrap it up!” Everyone gasps. Katie runs up to stand next to Kristen and admonishes Lala and says that if she can’t stop to leave. Kristen stumbles an ending, knowing that she lost the moment. The very very long moment.
Because we still have time to fill and plotlines to wrap up, there’s an afterparty at SUR. James is so proud that he hasn’t had a drink. He celebrated by smoking three joints – later amended to eating four pot brownies and smoking two joints. Remember when he said he was sober? Yeah, it was just Scheana Sober – no drinking but lots of pot.
Speaking of Our Lady of Perpetual Self Indulgence, Scheana summons Ariana over so they can wrap up their plotline. Ariana (who I love, shut up, I don’t need your judgment) says that Scheana has been talking shit about her behind her back. Scheana says no, we are treated to a montage of flashbacks of Scheana talking shit about Ariana behind her back. Ariana drops the best line to Scheana: “You have a need and a desire to be popular!” Scheana confesses she is uncomfortable around the trio of Katie, Stassi, and Kristen and that she hates crying (“That’s why i get Botox!” Giggle giggle) and the two end up hugging it out. And….scene for them.
Drunk Lala and High James are grossly making out in front of Kristen. Seriously. It’s gross. And by the way, the higher James gets the darker the skin in his skin dimple gets. Kristen calls James a walking STD and Lala pushes her. Stassi says that Lala needs to own her behavior and Lala shoots back (to a Stassi who is obviously SHOCKED that Lala dared talk back to her) “This is who I am. If you don’t like it, you can blow me.”
Charles McMansion performs and LVP wonders if it was intended to be a comedy number.
James tells Ken and LVP he is stoned and shouts at Kristin to “shut her fucking mouth” and “don’t cross me in front of Lisa!” Literally everyone’s head turns as one. Jax, coming off his demanding his girlfriend/jailer leave him alone and find him another apartment, is suddenly the defender of wimmens everywhere and yells that James can’t speak to women that way. Jax pleads to James to “please allow me to put my fist in your face,” which is how every Raging Stallion “handballing” video begins (look it up, but not at work). James taunts Jax, knowing Jax is on probation and can’t do anything. James finally leaves, douchily, of course, before running back in and telling Kristen to text him in the morning. Lala is waiting for him outside and they plan to go back to her apartment. James calls Lala a “golden ticket,” ie sure thing, clicks his tongue, does the douchey double barrelled finger pointing at the camera, and….scene for them.
LVP tells Jax that he and Stassi are perfect for each other, which Jax takes as a compliment and goes to talk to Stassi. Stassi and Jax reminisce and get to a good place, then quickly it goes bad. Their entire relationship is replayed in 90 seconds. “I miss you.” “Being with you is torture.” You know, the normal stuff. Stassi tells him not to fuck it up with Brittany and the two agree to be cordial and cool.
Jax goes back to Brittany’s table (she’s been watching this entire thing play out), says he loves her, and that the need to go back to “their” apartment so he can “try out the boobs.” And…scene for them.
Katie and Stassi talk and Katie vows never to be Stassi’s bitch again – she’s going to approach their relationship by standing her guard and keeping an open heart. And..scene for them.
LVP sums up the season by saying people learned things, but, maybe not, because some people didn’t, so the entire season has been about the illusion of change, with nothing REALLY changing.
And with that, kids, I wrap up my recaps. I’ll comment if anything exciting happens at the Reunion and I’ll see you back in April for Real Housewives of Dallas!
MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! XanaDude will be the official recapper of Real Housewives of Dallas!