Next week is the Vanderpump Rules Season Finale, so this episode sort of tees up a lot of stuff for next week’s payoff.
Katie “asks” LVP if they can have their engagement party at Villa Blanca, Pinky’s house and Sanctuary for Deformed Animals, for the uninitiated. LVP agrees with the proviso that Kristen and Stassi not be allowed.
Tom Sandoval’s music video is about to be shot, so it’s time to visit the esthetician! The producers insists that Sandoval have cash on hand the day of the shoot. I love the producer.
Kristen (!) meets with James, who wants her back and claims he is deeply in love with her. Kristen is hesitant, so James starts insulting her and makes her cry. This somehow makes Kristen forget about Carter, who she literally was just extolling the virtues of. James says that he loves hard and hates hard, that he loves Kristen, and “it feels good to touch you.”
The next day, we are then treated to the Vanderpump Rules version of “Summer Nights” from Grease:
Stassi and Kristen are at a tshirt screening place to oversee Kristen’s burgeoning tshirt empire (she’s sold about 100 in a month and is $4000 in debt) – did she learn nothing from bedazzled panty queen Nene Leake’s foray into this? I can go to the place down the street and make up t shirts with pithy Tamara Tattles slogans for about 47 cents per shirt and sell them for $10.00. She could get some advice from whoever runs the damn WWHL store. It’s not rocket science.
James and Lala are going over some tracks from James’ upcoming CD. Lala drops some newfound Rational Objectivism knowledge on James.
Tell me more, tell me more, did she dry hump his bones?
Tell me more, tell me more, did he go on a misogynist rant blaming her for all the problems in his life?
Upshot? The had sex on top of Kristen’s car because Stassi was still in the apartment.
Katie and Schwartz are planning their engagement party at the Shay Shrine for Scheana – Katie wants a sit down multi course dinner. Schwartz wants tacos. Scheana is gleeful when Katie says that LVP doesn’t want Stassi or Kristen there – she’s zeroing in on her ultimate goal to be Katie’s only friend and default Maid of Honor. Katie is also thinking of unviting Ariana and Sandoval, because “I need to figure out the kind of food I want. I don’t have time to figure out Ariana’s feelings.” To which Schwartz opines that food is important.
Jax asks LVP for some time off to go take care of his Hawaiian adventure (ie get sentenced for the felony). Lisa just reads Jax’s Grindr ad to see what will happen “He’ll sweet talk the judge and have him in the palm of his hand. Then he’ll get off.”
Kristen’s penance for fucking James? Going to turtle races at a dive bar. Carter and his beard arranged the night out for the entire cast (minus Sandoval and Ariana). I so now want to go to turtle races at a dive bar – you rent a turtle for five bucks, drink, and bet. I could totally make a night of that. Katie unvites Stassi and Kristen, and we see a flash of true Stassi as she says she cannot express how much hate she has for LVP at the moment. Remember the movie CLUE? There’s a brilliant scene wherein Madeline Kahn’s Mrs. White says
Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much…
it-it- the f – it -flam – flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths… Heathing..
That was Stassi, and it was fabulous.
Jax and Brittany go to lunch to discuss Jax being sentenced to jail in Hawaii, but Jax refuses to talk about his being sentenced to jail in Hawaii, so they move on to other uncomfortable for Jax topics, like marriage and children. Brittany’s HUGE spoon obscures her face as Jax unleases and makes Brittany cry as she realizes she uprooted her life, mutilated her body, and sacrificed his dignity for Jax freaking Taylor.
The next day, Jax goes on a golfing date with Schwartz and – seriously – asks him for a reach around and to vent about how much Jax does not want to get married, does not like having a live in girlfriend, and why the hell doesn’t she just do what he wants her to do after he bought her breasts? and Jax DOES NOT LIKE Sandoval band or the fact that Sandoval has ambition and dreams. Jax is also anxious about seeing Stassi.
At the video shoot – in a public library – Sandoval hands over the cash (in 100s) to the producer, so the shoot commences. Lala and Faith are back up dancers and Ariana is on hand to play a dildo encrusted guitar. Not invited to participate? Scheana, because Sandoval is already spending so much money and “her feelings are too expensive.” Good one, Tom! The video shot runs smoothly and fun is had by all.
Ariana and Tom ARE invited to the engagement party, but are still being ostracized from/distancing themselves from the group. Again, good decision on Ariana and Tom’s part.
It’s the day of the engagement party planning and Schwartz wanders around Villa Blanca and accidentally lets the mini ponies into the house. LVP swoops in wearing a robe and is pissed. She quickly herds the ponies outside (Tom is afraid of ponies) and lays down the law:
“Your party will be DOWN THERE out of my sight!” (Really. She REALLY said this.)
“No Kristen or Stassi!”
“No one is allowed in the house!” (Tom wants to know if they need to rent portapotties – we never do get an answer on that one.)
Stassi goes apartment hunting. This brings me to my grand Vanderpump Conspiracy Theory: I’m really beginning to think there’s only SUR, Villa Blanca and three sound stage sets they just rearrange the furniture for filming: the Alley (used for all outdoor scenes including bars that aren’t LVP related), an Apartment (for the Shay’s they throw up lots of Scheana pictures, for Jax they throw up bicycles and do lots of tight shots around the bathroom, for Peter they clear out everything except an air mattress, etc), and The Office ( doctor’s offices, lawyers, Max’s dentist, etc). This is just the Apartment Set, but empty. It is here that Stassi and Kristen plot to crash the engagement party.
At SUR everyone is frosty to each other – Katie invites Ariana and Tom by saying “I hope you don’t have to pretend to have too much fun.” and Ariana deadpans back that she really wants to be there. Again, totally on Ariana and Tom’ side.
BTW the Engagement Party is on a Wednesday. Hopefully Jax will be back in time (Spoiler: he will), but he is heading to Hawaii. He plans on returning the stolen sunglasses but in the next beat packs them so they may get broken (“I don’t care.”) during the flight. When Brittany points this out, Jax decides to start Jax his relationship up and voiceovers that he’s ready for Brittany to move out – Hawaiian jail doesn’t scare him, since “I’m already in jail” in this relationship.
Next week: The season ends and everyone shows up at the engagement party/drunken brawl.