by Guest Contributor Ben C.
It’s been a long few weeks, and I’m feeling higher than Kim Richards when she shoplifted from Target. On the bright side, RHOBH has been shaping up the past few weeks, and looks to only get better. Shoutout to T.T for keeping the radiator warm! Let her know in the comments below if you want the recaps to keep coming – I’m thinking I may need to see one of Yolanda’s fancy doctors for some fancy special vitamin IV drips to keep me going. Read on and let me know what you think…
The episode starts with all of the ladies (minus Yolanda, Eileen & Lisa Rinna) attending a SoulCycle charity spin class hosted by Kyle and Mauricio. SoulCycle is the new, hip workout for rich white people. The place is a cult, and I know this for a fact. I wanted to be a part of it so bad, I’ve applied to be a janitor there. Twice. True story. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn’t want to have any part of the workout – she asks how much money she needs to donate to skip the class all together and go home. The instructor asks Lisa to try and stay for at least 45 minutes. Lisa comments she can’t straddle anything for 45 minutes, not since 1984. Erika and Kathryn seem to handle the class like pros. I can’t stop rewinding and watching the instructor. He is living, as Erika says. “A combination of Richard Simmons, Zoolander, crossed with West Hollywood fabulousness.” Three snaps in a Z formation.
After the spin class (which Lisa Vanderpump couldn’t finish), the ladies head to a mexican place for lunch. Nothing says post-workout meal like Mexican. They’re at a place called Frida, which I am seriously side-eyeing right now, mostly because I was just there for Margarita Monday this week. (Headspin I thought you were sick and had not gotten out of bed in four years, Ben…) Eileen and Yolanda join the rest of the ladies at the restaurant. There isn’t even time for Eileen to order her favorite dry white wine, before talk jumps right into everyone’s favorite topic of the season – Yolanda vs. Lisa Rinna. Y’all love to come after Yolanda and her lemons, but sometimes I really don’t see why. Kyle and Vanderpump straight-up start whispering in the corner like schoolgirls about Yolanda/Lisa Rinna, and are quickly called out by the table. Erika has no time for the bullshit, and announces to the group the Kyle and Lisa are whispering about the topic of Yolanda calling Lisa Rinna bipolar. Twirl on, Erika.
Yolanda defends herself, stating that she never said Lisa Rinna was bipolar. She was comparing situations – noting if you judge Lisa Rinna based on her previous ridiculous behavior (throwing wine glasses, sending threatening text messages, constantly feeling the need to label people, talking about her bush, etc.) one could say she has bipolar tendencies. Yolanda tries to shut it down by telling Kyle it’s all been worked out, and doesn’t need to be brought up again. Kyle attempts to defend herself by telling Yolanda she didn’t bring anything up, she was having a conversation about it “privately.” Privately meaning, at a table with 6 other people and a camera crew. In a talking head, Yolanda says the first thing she taught her children was to not whisper “privately” to someone else in a group of women. This totally seems a bit odd when you think about it, but I get what she’s trying to say. Yolanda tells Kyle “she holds a lot in the vault” and Kyle takes this as a threat. Unlock the vault, Yo!! Unlock the damn vault!! Kyle seems to miss the point that she is the common denominator/instigator in all of the situations involving Yolanda. Yolanda decides it’s time to move on from Kyle, and throws a jab at Vanderpump for talking about her kids. Lisa doesn’t take kindly to this and stands up for herself. All three of these women (Kyle, Lisa & Yolanda) are in the wrong, and it’s infuriating watching them circle around in a never-ending loop. Vanderpump finally has enough of the mess and walks out of the lunch. Smart woman.
Across town, Lisa Rinna is co-hosting on Jenny McCarthy’s radio show. Lisa and Jenny have known each other for years, as they are both women who have been around for a really long time but no one really knows how or why. It doesn’t take long at all before talk shifts to sex (and dildos) and we find out Lisa Rinna once tried a strap-on in the bedroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s wearing it under her clothes at that very interview. Side note: I don’t think I’ve ever yearned to see a celebrity sex tape more.
The next day, Kathryn and Erika have lunch in Erika’s beautiful backyard, and attempt to get to know each other better. These are the first ‘new girls’ in a while Bravo actually got right. Erika admits she has a hard time having girlfriends. She blames it on a group of mean girls in middle school. She’s attributes her recent issues with women to the death of her grandmother. Erika gets upset at the topic. They were extremely close. (Spoiler alert: later in the episode, Erika’s new BFF Kathryn will tell the ladies she shed “about six tears.”) Erika’s grandmother was the one person in her life she could pick up the phone and call at any time, for anything. Kathryn tells Erika she wants to be her first official lady-friend, and that her phone line is open at all times. Conversation shifts to thoughts and first impressions of Lisa Vanderpump. Erika calls Lisa a “sniper from the side” and picks up on the fact Vanderpump basically loves to ‘play chess’ and manipulate people, all from the side.
We cut to a back-and-forth scene between Lisa/Ken and Kyle/Lisa Rinna, discussing a “scolding e-mail” (as Kyle called it) that Yolanda sent to Kyle, and cc’d the rest of the ladies on. Yolanda was in her feelings one night, and decided to send out a group e-mail to everyone. It’s basically just another matronly Yolanda speech, about deserving respect, and feeling disappointed, yadda yadda – but the best line of the whole e-mail comes at the end, “Your lack of compassion is not a good look.” #slay. I’m still a Yolanda supporter (save your comments, I don’t reply to them anyway – kisses!) but with that being said, this e-mail wasn’t the best ‘look’ either. Kyle fills Lisa Rinna on the lunch with Yolanda, and Lisa makes a lot of those wide-eyed ‘I just pooped in my Depends’ look she does so well.
Closing out the episode, Lisa hosts a dinner for the ladies at her house. Eileen arrives in a long dress, straight off the rack from TJ Maxx. Almost everyone is in attendance at the dinner, minus Erika, Yolanda and Lisa Rinna. Before lunch, Vanderpump shows off her brand new built-in wine bar built in her backyard – clearly envious of/pulling from Bethenny’s amazing home bar she saw in the Hamptons. Lisa calls for Ken to “bring ’round the ponies” – and Eileen jokes about Lisa owning a llama, not realizing Lisa actually owns a llama. Once the ladies sit for lunch, Erika’s self-appointed first “real female friend,” Kathryn, immediately fills the other women in/throws Erika under the bus on her lunch with Erika. She wastes no time (again, before Eileen can even sip her dry white wine) telling the group Erika says Lisa Vanderpump can’t be trusted. I think Kathryn’s exact words were, ‘don’t get caught in her web’. Shoutout to Yolanda when I say, it’s not a good look. I doubt Erika Jayne will be keen on making any more new female friends after this.
Eileen chimes in and finds the connection between the problems both she and Erika have with Vanderpump. She brings up the Hamptons trip and Affairgate…again. Eileen adds that Lisa Vanderpump tends to “gloss over things, and move on.” This, of course, upsets Lisa Vanderpump. She becomes more concerned about the ponies running loose in the yard, than the conversation happening at the table in front of her. Also known as, glossing over things and moving on. Lisa points her finger in Eileen’s face (“Are we good? Because we have to be real fucking good to move on..”) and gives Eileen a forced apology. It’s more of a ‘please stop talking about this and move on’ apology versus an actual sincere one. Eileen gives us the “What are you doing here without Dorinda” moment of the season – “Thank God for the ponies!” She’s pissed, it reeks of sarcasm and bitterness – and with that, she knows this is one battle she won’t be winning.
LATER THIS SEASON:
THE LADIES GO TO DUBAI (YAS! YAS!! YAAAS!!!)
KIM & Kyle have a heart-to-heart + Lisa Rinna & Kim have words
BRANDI IS BACK (#JusticeForBrandi) …in bed with Yolanda
PLUS: pretty much all the women get in serious catfights (Kyle Vs. Vanderpump, anyone??)
Um, I cannot wait for the rest of this season. It’s like we are being rewarded for the snoozer this season has been so far. My body is so ready. Get ready for recaps 2.0!
Add me on twitter @bennayy and let me know what you thought of the episode, the recap, and the season preview!!