Last night the great minds at Bravo stuffed three shows onto my DVR packaged as two hours of Vanderpump Rules. The first hour was indeed the latest episode of #PumpRules awesomely recapped by Xanadude here. I should first apologize for kind of screwing up his recap. I was oddly awake last night and went in to make some minor edits (or if you ask Xanadude REALLY IMPORTANT EDITS!!!) and my entire cable/Internet/phone took a giant nosedive at 3:04 am for some reason. Maintenance maybe? Causing everything to crash mid editing and for some reason I can’t seem to fix anything on that post today. Between that and the prodigal intern coming home to a decent welcome, as the good intern, he’s probably not speaking to me.
Also, I recapped the first half of the second hour, which was WWHL with Jax and Kentucky. Some commenters there think I am being much to hard on the girl. But last night I found out she is TWENTY SEVEN Years Old with a brain as fully formed as it is going to get and thereby finally pointed out that she is really stupid and fucking up her entire life. I mean, didn’t we just watch a girl change her entire life to date a cheater with an alcohol problem and force a marriage in order to be on a TV show and then get divorced a few months later only to immediately hook up with a guy charged with rape? I mean am I not supposed to point out this is a dumb, potentially deadly move? Also, if you didn’t have the pleasure of watching that show, Kentucky was laughing continuously for half an hour while a montage of Jax’s worst moments were shown to her. She was exuberant in her declaration that she loves everything about him. It’s a trainwreck with a really bad ending. Not to mention Jax has said on the show he regrets rushing into the relationship with her. It’s not like the girl is listening to me or anyone else.
But I have saved the last half hour of this whole raunchy slimey mess because apparently, the aftershow with Brandy and Julie is back. And Brandy followed me today so now I can’t be a cunt. Well I can, but Xanadude has made me drink the People’s Couch Kool-Aid, and I’m new convert. In fact, up until I screwed up his recap of last night, me and the dude were going to run away with the black family from People’s Couch and live in Norway with them. I sure hope Brandy doesn’t ruin everything and warn them about that. Because it could still happen.
So I’m blathering because I am in a great mood because I just found a ton of dead fish on my doorstep. Which means someone loves me and is supporting my quasipescatarianism endeavors or I’ve pissed off a lot of mafia types with my Big Ang stories. #RIP Either way, it’s all very exciting.
Moving on… It’s KRISTEN on the Aftershow! I’m really hoping the therapy is wearing off. Let’s watch. Wait. Please tell me that is straight vodka that Kristen is drinking and not water. Is she really going to do this sober? Even worse, is she pregnant? Because that would suck. Nine months sober and then she would probably be like a really good mom do lots of Mommy & Me type crap. And nobody wants that!
Stassi is clearly no longer doing the statement necklace. Now it is the statement string. She literally has ties a little piece of ribbon in a bow around her neck. What is with these #PumpRules chicks? Next week Katie wears a silk scarf wrapped around her neck like she is trying to cover the bandages from a tracheal shave. (Don’t worry, Katie has already blocked me, we can speak freely now.) I’m just focusing on other things because they are having this whole conversation about how Kristen had to suck up to Stassi to win her back. Um noe. Kristen is just seeing some damn therapist that has turned her into some unrecognizable nice and compassionate version of herself.
Then we all pretend that Kristen and Stassi live together and cuddle like kittens. When we all know that Carter moved in like five minutes after they met and essentially got “Jaxed.”
Finally, Kristen gets to point out that she had already left PUMP when James and the manager had a fight. Speaking of that, do we have any French speakers here because those subtitles didn’t match up to what LVP and the dude were trying to say. And LVP’s French seemed…rusty? Anyway, the point is that LVP somehow blames Kristen for everything James does. Something that happened again recently when she was called to PUMP to meet with WWHL production. I mean the girl has practically reached enlightenment and they are still blaming her for everything.
Kristen is hellbent on bringing everyone together as sort of a redemption. Everyone agrees that James wants Kristen back because she is the best girlfriend in the entire world. But it’s just too late for James. Besides, he has LVP now.
OH NO! It’s James and LVP. Why not just an hour of Stassi? What does the twatty dishwasher’s mother have on LVP that she keeps supporting this wanker? James tries to explain why he is the white Kanye West. There is really no need to explain. They are exactly alike. James says he didn’t think he was being disrespectful to LVP when she fired him. But he understands now. LVP prods for more groveling. And James grovels immensely. Clearly, James is the new Brandi who was the new….what was that dude’s name that lived with her previously? And I’m trying not to judge Julie for her obsession with LVP. I really am.
AND it’s more Jax and Kentucky and Kentucky’s boobs. Jax basically said the boobs were a makeup present for his whole felony arrest on the Hawaii trip. Kentucky looks a billion times better on this show than she did on WWHL. And her boobs look fabulous. Well, at least the two on her chest. The one next to her still looks the same. Even after they give Jax his one set of fake boobs to wear.
Brandy gets real with Kentucky and shows a montage of all the times Jax said he wanted to fuck Lala even when she wasn’t around to hear it. On WWHL Jax said he just said it to her so she would run tell James and make him jealous. I wonder how he will explain all the other times he said it. Julie’s face is AMAZING. Jax launches into his story about just wanting to make James jealous. And Kentucky admits he never owned up to it until the shows aired. Julie has gone from looking like she has literally seen an angelic apparition when LVP was there, to looking like she has just been told her entire family is dead and the only people left in the world are her and Jax. I’m just waiting for her to speak. But she seems dumbstruck as Jax rambles on with his lies. Eventually, she sort of channels her inner Taylor Swift and randomly says, “shake it off” which apparently is a command Jax has reinforced in Kentucky and she shakes her boobies and Julie is back to her happy place as if none of that even happened.
Next we smash up the vodka swilling party and his overly acted tearful confession to Peter on the beach. It seems we are going to use these as proof that Jax has a soul. Um, okay. Only the only person to attempt that, was Jax who told us several times that we are seeing his vulnerable side and still seems to think that Sandoval was talking about his band. So, vulnerable means telling your best friend you are more important to the group than he is and squeezing out some tears on a beach. I guess it was better than the season that he screwed his best friend’s girlfriend (twice). Didn’t that end in a tearful beach scene as well? These people have more tearful beach scenes than Beaches.
And I’ve watched two hours of Vanderpump Rules shit in the last 24 hours. I’m going to need a cleanse. And some sea bass with a delicious side salad. If you’ve read all this, please accept three Tamara Tokens. Really, it’s the least I can do.