by Guest Contributor Ben C.
Some of you are wondering if I’ve died, if I’ve been faking an illness, or if I’ve been hanging out at Danbury undercover. Will I refuse to show my medical records? Will I sit with T.T. at lunch and force her to take my medical records in a mysterious manila folder? Am I actually a very famous Kardashian who just had a baby this past week?? One thing is for sure, the handcuffs to the radiator are tighter and shorter than ever. But at least they’re still pink with glitter.
This episode starts out on a suuper light note, with Karen describing how she was once mugged leaving a mall parking lot. She lost a diamond necklace that day, but was able to save her diamond ring by hiding it in “never-never land.” She feels obligated to enroll her daughter in Krav Maga before she leaves for college. The pair share a moment, and Karen seems to shed potentially real tears. She bought Rayvin a pink stun gun. Karen is almost sort of back in the likeable column. For now.
Meanwhile, Ashley and her bank account/husband are holding interviews for a new personal assistant. Ashley needs someone who can assist her, and run social media for her new modern Australian style restaurant. Sorry Ashley, I’ve only got time for one authentic Australian restaurant in my life, and that’s Outback Steakhouse. Ashley really wants to separate herself from her husband and make her own way. So naturally, she invites her husband to assist with the interview process. The couple hold a really professional interview. So professional, it probably ended in a sexual harassment suit. Blow my long hard tube, anyone?? Someone find me the application for this job ASAP.
Sweet relief! Charrisse finally ran a brush through her hair (and slapped on some weird golden-tribal temporary arm tattoos) all to go outside and water the yard. Robyn is coming over to discuss her marital (non-marital?) woes. Her husband/non-husband is potentially moving to another city, so Robyn is left deciding if she would go with him or not. I think Robyn realizes she’s come to the wrong person for advice, when Charrisse announces (with an evil shit grin on her face) she let Eddie, her husband, know (VIA TEXT MESSAGE!) that she’d like to begin the process of filing for divorce. Charrisse is tired and fed up. She gives Eddie credit for being a great family man, but a not-so-great husband. Eddie has yet to return the text.
Because nothing good ever lasts, it’s time for to Karen flip her ‘evil-switch’ back on. She invites Gizelle over to her house for more discussion on…yep, you guessed it! Etiquette. They both agree it was extremely tacky for Ashley to not have an open bar at her birthday party (ugh, I kind of agree though.) Karen wants to show Ashley how to throw a “proper” party, so she’s renting a yacht and throwing a BYOM (bring your own man) party. The shade is really real with that theme. Talk shifts to Katie, and the ‘d-word’ (drunk? drugs? doughnuts?) Gizelle announces on national television she believes Katie was ‘on something’ at Ashley’s party. Karen won’t comment, “because Katie is a devoted mother” but her face tells us everything we need to know. I wish Karen would remove whatever fake nail or eyelash is lodged up her never-never land, just so she could understand what a good ol’ night of wine drunk feels like. In a twist of fate not even Carlos King could come up with, every time Katie’s name is mentioned – lightening and thunder strike, as if on cue.
Later, Ashley and her mom, Sheila, have cocktails at Ashley’s place. Sheila recently filed for bankruptcy, and is clearly going through a rough time, because she looks like she thinks she’s on a cruise ship. The cruise ship in her mind. Ashley wants to take care of her mom with her husband’s money. Sheila, however, isn’t too cool with this idea, and refuses the help. Unless she really needs it, she adds.
Katie invites Karen out for coffee, with the intention of asking Karen to help with the Rost Foundation. She wants access to Karen’s ‘rolodex’. Do people actually still use that word? Katie starts off by apologizing to Karen for getting wine drunk, and having fun at a party. Karen eats this up. Her eyes tell me she’s about 3 Xanax deep. Katie gets to the point, and declares she wants to throw a casino night (lol) to benefit a local youth theatre program. She wants to raise way too much money, in a way too short amount of time. Karen turns the offer down, telling Katie she has too much on her plate already. She won’t give up the golden Rolodex that easily. Snap, girl.
Across town, Gizelle is going on a date (lunch, not dinner) with a man named Herman. Herman shows up wearing lime green pants. Gizelle comments she needs a man with a little edge, just tell her you’ve been to jail for a night and you’re in. Such logic. They feed each other oysters (Herman thought they’d be fried) and Gizelle decides to invite him to Karen’s upcoming BYOM yacht party. Herman gives me major RHOA Walter vibes, only he actually seems interested in what’s going on. He tries to kiss her after the date, but Gizelle slaps him away. Meanwhile, Katie and Ashley (and their men) have a double date at the golf course. Katie and Ashley arrive dressed in their best golfing neons. After they stand around and hit some balls, Katie and Ashley find a place to sit and sip (Katie orders iced tea, Ashley orders Corona. Hashtag Respect.) Katie catches Ashley up on her coffee date with Karen. She tells her Karen turned her offer down to help with Casino Night, while simultaneously criticising both Karen and Ashley for skewing their events to a younger age group. They call her ageist. Oh, these girls.
Finally, it’s time for Karen’s yacht party. All the ladies are getting ready for the evening. Karen uses her home-intercom system to call Raymond up to the bedroom to “approve the looks” for the yacht. This woman really is something. She’s straight from the early 90’s, with her kitchen countertops and home-intercom. I regretfully love it. Robyn and Juan are opting out of the party, since their relationship is confusing enough. Charrisse, however, calls her housekeeper up to her closet with champagne and a bottle of tropicana, and is ready to put her flying-solo game face on. Ashley arrives to the yacht with Michael, who is wearing a pirate hat. Because they are the “fun couple” or something. Karen approves of the hat, and comments she likes Michael because he’s “loaded and fun!” Gizelle is next to arrive with Herman, who has opted for a nice electric blue pant this time. They argue back and forth if they’re on a real date or not. I’d be embarrassed too if my man owned only a variety of rainbow colored pants. Karen decides she doesn’t want to throw Gizelle under the bus, she’d rather drive the bus right over her, and asks Herman if he is “Mr. Miami.” Mr. Miami turns out to be another dude (one of many, apparently) Gizelle has in her ‘rolodex’. The shade does not go unnoticed by Gizelle. Speaking of shade, Charrisse definitely picks up on it. She says even she wouldn’t invite herself to a couples only party. She brings drunk aunt as her wingwoman.
Karen makes a costume change at some point, while Michael tries to take his off and go for a swim in the river. Of course, the ladies quickly put a stop to this because, etiquette. It’s only a few seconds later, however, when Katie makes a comment about having an enlarged clit – they all laugh and cheers. I’d love a copy of the Guide to Etiquette they’re all going by. Ashley invites all the women (women only! enlarged clits allowed!) to her beach house in Delaware Beach. Looks like we’re gearing up for the first “girls trip” of the season! Exotic Delaware Beach, look out!
The girls all head to Ashley’s beach house
Ashley puts the ladies in twin size beds and everyone freaks out
Robyn breaks down in front of all the ladies
All the women confront Katie about her “behavior” at Ashley’s birthday party
Michael surprises the women on the trip, all hell breaks loose
Follow me on twitter @bennayy and tell me what you thought!