By Contributing Writer, Xanadude
This old man (and, like, LVP, for now I plan on starting all conversations with “This old man…” just to shade Stassi for a while. Although it is, technically, Jax, who is the same age as Ken,who should be calling himself “this old man,” but I digress…) Puckers and Pouts his way through a new recap of VanderPump Rules. Please join me in this, The Emancipation of Katie Maloney. Which is only temporary, as WWHL viewers know (Spoiler: Everyone is all friends again), but, for now, we’ll deal with the timeline on the show.
Stassi has taken over Kristen’s apartment. Remember when Kristen hired a maid? Kristen is now Stassi’s maid – her “drunken old maid,” according to Stassi, who only stumbles home at 5:00 am after a night of drinkin’ and lovin’. A random minion arrives to give Stassi someone to talk to and it takes about 45 seconds for viewers to loathe Stassi, who proceeds to claim she “took the high road” in dealing with LVP. Remember, in Stassi’s mind, she’s the heroine of this brief, stupid moment in our lives, only Stassi realized that she needs this show – the show and the friends she casually flicked aside like so many beans she has flicked before.
The Pucker and Pout launch party is rapidly approaching (side note: the site is actually well done. Points for whoever – I’ll assume Katie – came up with the headline “Katie’s Got a Brand New Bag”) and although it’s a strictly DIY affair (although, most probably it was DBB – Done By Bravo), Katie wants to invite, like, everybody. Including Kristen (who will need a handler, according to the SURvers). Katie (at this particular moment on the show) DOES NOT LIKE Stassi AT ALL. Scheana is also Anti-Stassi, but for strictly Pro-Scheana reasons, so it’s a zero sum loss.
James, and Pinky show up to the dentist to support Max who is having some surgery (getting some dental plates/implants), and to talk about Max’s sex life. LVP and James take the moment when Max cannot respond to talk about Max’s sex life, but James quickly brushes past that (that’s dental humor, son) to rant about his three favorite things: his own sex life, his massive talents as a DJ, and how horrible Jax is. Pinky cuts him down to size by calling him a “pipsqueak busboy” and saying if he doesn’t shape up, that’s all he’ll be, but James is ramped up (sniff sniff sniff) and starts ranting about how HE is the true draw at Pump and how important he is and how many customers he is bringing in and how horrible Jax is and how Jax should be fired and how James is the bestest most awesomest person ever and if you don’t agree with him, babe, then you’re fucking awful, mate. One breath. One rant. One pipsqueak busboy.
He also discloses that he regularly drunk texts Kristen (who has him blocked so is not receiving them) and still loves her (no, really) and that he ALSO drunk texted Lala last night. His drunk text to Lala was a patented James Kennedy Misogynistic Rant about if any lady has sex with anyone other than him, they are a slut. And that Lala is an ass eater. This leads to the most wonderful reaction shots from Max, who is horrified that James is explaining “rimming” to his mother. Pinky is appalled (not really – she’s secretly delighted and a little titillated that this moment has been captured for the cameras) and Quick Cut to SUR to see Lala talking about the text with Scheana. Lala’s had an off/on long distance thing going with her ex, a football player named Hayes, and whenever they are in the same town they get together and get freaky (her words, not mine). Blue tinted flashback reminds us that James and Lala JUST had the conversation about whatever happens in their respective bedrooms will not affect their relationship, but also reminds us that Lala claims not to have ever had sex with James, who she and Scheana now deem a “twat.” Scheana, surprisingly, does not make this moment about her and we do not currently know her stance on ass eating.
BTW: the promo for the Bravo App, The Daily Dish, features Jax helicoptering. Presumably Andy is the recipient of said helicoptering, but we don’t know for sure and I certainly don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours, but I think that Andy’s got a good sense of humor. Depeche Mode, bitches. Look it up.
Katie tells James he is NOT invited to the launch and James goes all red faced and twatty. Katie said this to James and Faith, so I don’t know if Faith is invited or not. Not that it ultimately matters.
Lala is also not invited, but when she is told it’s very “Welcome to the Dollhouse,” and I felt genuinely sorry for her. Katie’s reason for not inviting her? “I don’t want any drama, and besides, we’re at capacity.” Lala recounts a truly horrible story from her childhood (she was invited to a party and when she got there was told she wasn’t REALLY invited – they made her sit on the curb to wait for her mother while they laughed at her) and I really really wanted to give her a hug.
Jax and Brittany are discussing His Situation, and Jax is actually pleased to be at home all day Jaxing Off while Brittany is the breadwinner, pulling in those big Hooters bucks. Brittany’s mom is okay with Jax’s Situation (I wonder if that changed after the show aired) because “being drunk is an excuse.” Brittany’s family is a very conservative religious family, although Jax doesn’t know what religion they ARE and apparently doesn’t (or can’t) say the word “Bible,” only referring to it as “that book.”
Kristen (!) has a date with Below Deck Aleks, who we like, so shut it with the snark. Their date (ahem. filming. cough cough) lasts so long the Bravo crew had to edit in a day turns to night montage. Kristen is all giggly, saying she’s living in a romcom (no, Kristen, TamaraTattles.com has already established you are living in the remake of That Girl). Aleks and Kristen kiss, after Aleks says that when they first met he never would have thought they’d be dating.
At SUR, Katie “tells” LVP for “the first time” about the launch party. Pinky gives Katie a discounts on the appetizers SUR will be providing, but that Katie does insist on paying for, along with the information that Stassi stopped by. Katie says her friendship with Stassi was one sided and only on Stassi’s terms. My estimation of Katie goes up.
NOW – ONTO THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE SEASON. We learn the name of one of the dancing Hispanic kitchen workers. He’s Chef Joe, and if I am suddenly widowed you will find me in WeHo stalking him to become my next husband.
Lala confronts James about his Misogynistic Text Rant and James tries to turn it around by calling her a slut. Lala ain’t having it. There’s lots of James getting shut down by the wimmens in this episode, which makes me happy. Pipsqueak Busboy, Esquire indeed.
It’s the night of the Pucker and Pout launch party, and there are shots of everyone (Hi Shay!) helping to get ready. Even Scheana, who briefly makes it all about her. Schwartz gets some good digs in: “We’ll be there if heads start spinning like the Exorcist. We’ll be there if Jax steals anything.” Good stuff. Bravo, Bravo writers.
Kristen is getting ready for the party. Stassi is not. Hehehe.
Stassi claims she has a talent for squatting. We all know this is only superceded by her talent for filming $900 worth of masturbation videos. Kristen briefly unblocked James to mock his texts to her, which are of the “how can you not love me” variety. (Sidebar: Jax and James really are very much alike. Both of them try to pull the “aren’t I cute when I piss on the rug” naughty puppy thing.)
Stassi takes credit for Katie’s blog. Stassi also says that “I regret a lot of the mistakes that I made.” Smart, calculating use of words there, Stassi. She also says that Schwartz is her backdoor to get back with Kate, which opens up a bunch of Schwartz Backdoor jokes. Save them for Backdoor Mom Farrah Abraham, though, cuz Schwarty is about to get manly and defend his woman – but first he has to get through the launch party, where he is slinging drinks.
James and Max plot to crash the party (bad Max) with the explicit reason to stalk Kristen, who is “the only one who truly understands me,” according to James. Sniff sniff sniff.
It’s Pucker and Pout Launch Party Night and, I gotta say, it looks like fun. She went for a very interactive experience, with lots of individually grooming station, including a “brow bar.” Sandoval does not approve of Jax’s eyebrows, which are too sculpted, and says that good grooming is not feminine, it’s just classy.
Ken and Lisa show up for the party, and the first words out of Ken’s mouth is “How long do we have to stay here?” Lisa gives it ten minutes, tops. Pinky approves of the launch party, the blog, and Katie’s newfound, Stassiless induced confidence.
James and Max show up and everyone pretends to be surprised. James, full of cokey confidence, strides up to Kristen and Aleks and demands to speak to Kristen alone and goes to the hallway to wait for her. Aleks offers to kick his ass. Kristen giggles and kisses him before going to meet him. James is pacing and sweaty and demands to know why she is so standoffish. Kristen keeps her cool while James amps himself up into another Misogynistic Rant. He doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy without him. Seriously. Pipsqueak Busboy said that. He continues and defaults to Misogynistic Yelling Douche Mode (which is up there with Marco Rubio Saturday Night Debate Infinite Soundbite Mode in its annoyance). Kristen leaves him alone to rant and he stalks out. We again play Where’s Max?
Jax goes up to Lisa and tries to charm her, but she’s not having it.
Talk inevitably turns to Stassi, who texted Schwartz. Lisa is very happy about the Emancipation of Katie Maloney. Katie tells Lisa how happy she has been since she took control of her life. Sandoval wisely opines that “The reason Stassi is coming around is to benefit Stassi.” Sandoval for the dunk.
Schwartz is morbidly curious as to what Stassi has to say. Katie says she is never ever EVER EVER going to be friends with Stassi again (sigh) but that Schwartz should go – if he really wants to – and see what she has to say, just leave her out of it. Pinky says that Schwartz has a soft heart and is a good man.
The next day, Schwartz shows up to meet Stassi wearing a backward baseball cap and glasses, so we know he’s serious. Stassi told us in her talking head that she and Schwartz were always close and had a relationship independent of Katie. Schwartz says in his talking head, eh, not so much.
Stassi puts on her hubris face. Schwartz lets loose. It’s a thing of beauty that I recommend you watch, but the following phrases were used:
“The last impression we had was of Stassi being smug.” True dat.
“Pain in ass, bitch, and venomous.” Preach, Schwartzy.
“You were endearing and did it in a likeable way.”Back up Schwartz, you were doing good.
“Smug Bitchy shell of your former shelf” Testify, brother Schwartz!
“You need humility and perspective.”
to which Stassi responds “Did I kill your dog?”
Schwartz threatens to leave. Stassi tried to rewrite history and flip it by saying that she was only REACTING to people by lashing out. She fake cries (no tears) and is fake humble, and we see Schwartz start to crumble. He tells her about the engagement party. Stassi says she wants to talk to Katie before it, and Schwartz says that that ain’t happening. Wah wah.
Next episode: Schwartz invites Stassi to the party, Katie is upset, and we get lots of shots of Jax sitting at home drinking vodka straight from the bottle trying to assert dominance over Sandoval.
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