Xanadude, Guest Contributor
The bitch is back. (It’s like he doesn’t even read my recaps!) I don’t mean Stassi. I mean me. After a week long reprieve from the radiator, I’m back at my post and ready to talk some Vanderpump Rules.
But first – couple of random things from last week, which was recapped wonderfully by our Mistress of the Malcontents, Tamara Tattles – James committed one of the most cardinal of cardinal sins in my eyes, which was to wear a shirt with no sleeves to the dinner table. Seriously, it’s gross. No one wants your hairy pits in their face while they’re eating. Wear a damn shirt with sleeves. Second, Lala gets massive points for being able to function in those HUGE hoop earrings. Lastly, just when you think Scheana is a horrible self centered narcissist, here comes Stassi to remind you what a true horrid self centered narcissist looks like. Scheana immediately gains both credibility and likeability simply by being on the same show with Stassi.
Which brings me to the giant elephant in the room: Stassi. Here’s the thing – one of the reasons I love VPR is because the cast, no matter how unlikeable and immature, are in many ways relatable and, more importantly, redeemable. Even James. They all have some spark of humanity in them, and, hopefully, like all of us, they will wake up one day in their mid 30s (or, for Jax, his mid 50s) and realize that, this, was indeed, a small stupid period of their lives and they are ready to grow up, put down the booze, get a real job, and “adult.” Stassi, however, I have no such hope for. I think she is just irredeemable to her core. On a DNA level. If you put a sample of her DNA in a petri dish, with other people’s samples, it will arrogantly slither to the center of the petri dish and look for the microscope lens to preen into, while either knocking over or absorbing all the other little DNA samples on the route. I’m going to gloss over Stassi parts because I don’t like spending time, even virtual time, around her.
Stassi is basically Farrah Abraham with better birth control.
Jax arrives back at his and Brittany’s apartment in Koreatown (que?). Jax left everything – his toothbrush, his deodorant, his dignity, basically everything, in Hawaii, except his hair product (dude’s hair looks good post jail). He Jaxes a bit to Brittany about how sorry he is and you can briefly see Brittany’s inner struggle as she realizes with whom she has hitched her ride. Jax ends up sweet talking her, but ruins the moment by stopping mid-Jax and saying he has to go meet Ariana to get his luggage. Ariana has been the designee to bring Jax his 80 pound suitcase. Ariana is pissed. Jax tried be self effacing but Ariana isn’t having it. Ariana jokes that the suitcase is so heavy because it contains all the sunglasses Jax stole.
We are then treated to a wonderful montage of various SUR employees gleefully reacting to the news of Jax’s arrest. My favorite characters, the Hispanic kitchen staff, show up to bilingually diss Jax, although, sadly, there is no dancing.
Katie and Scheana go to Kristen’s to dish. Kristen says Jax has zero impulse control. Scheana opines that it is okay to steal from SUR, but to steal “designer sunglasses” is quelle horrible! It turns out the Kristen is being Kristened by Kevin (and if you follow the show, you’ll know what I mean). Dude won’t leave. They slept together a week ago and dude won’t leave. (He’s looking for the cable box, maybe?). Kristen bring up Stassi and Katie, in one of the rare moments when she is interesting (it’s like Leap Year. Once every four years) says that she absolutely does not want to be around or talk to Stassi ever again. Kristen just wants to get the old gang back together. Scheana speaks for the group and says “WE don’t want her around,” and subtly threatens Kristen by saying Kristen should want the same thing. Scheana catches herself while saying this and tries to soften the blow, but Kristen notices and files it away for later usage.
By the way – the girls all have a “tell.” Poker players know what I mean – one surefire giveaway action that someone consistently does in times of stress – in this case, the girls all have a “bitch tell;” whenever they are deliberately being catty and know it, they stroke their hair into a side ponytail. Watch for it.
Brittany transferred to Koreatown Hooters and on her first day Jax and the Toms show up to use Jax’s 50% off discount card. I can’t joke about this, as I have been the recipient of this kindness as well, as I have a close male (straight) relative who is a VIP at Hooters. Judges the Tshirt contest and everything. I gotta say, being a gay guy at Hooters is great – the girls love the fact that I tip well and have no expectations and they know Close Male Relative is respectful in a non-leery and high-tippy way as well. Jax opines that Villa Blanca is just like Castle Greyskull, which would make him Orko, I guess. Look it up.
While covered in hot wing sauce, Jax gets a call from Hawaii telling him there is a warrant out for his arrest. He brushes it off, saying he’s NOT even IN Hawaii, and besides, his lawyer will take care of it. He goes back to the table to lie to the Toms about the seriousness of it. It also turns out that Kristen’s Kevin is a good friend of Jax and he has a girlfriend.
While the boys are Hootering, Stassi and Kristen talk about how Kevin WILL NOT LEAVE and that Jax is a thief. Everyone knows Jax is a thief, and Stassi is totally ok with it as long as it benefits her, as it did when he stole this lovely little clutch she still has. He stole from Stassi’s father’s girlfriend, but, that’s ok cuz Stassi thinks she a bitch or something. Stassi’s storyline is that she’s a little lost lamb, adrift and alone, but she’s not a good enough actress to pull it off, and we keep getting reminded that Stassi is really Dr. Kimberly Shaw, minus the scar and plus a sex tape. Sex tape Stassi sex tape Stassi sex tape Stassi. I just want to make sure that when a search engine sees the word “Stassi,” it also includes the words “sex tape.” It worked for Santorum.
Jax goes to Villa Blanca. Pinky descends from the staircase in Dynasty fashion. Jax thinks he will get off lightly because Pinky is always so amused by his shenanigans, but Pinky is Pissed. We see genuine fear in Jax’s eyes as he stammers an explanation about being drunk, but LVP says that “A drunk? A thief? A liar? Which one is it? Or all three?” Jax counters with “I’m not a bad person…” but LVP cuts him off with “If it walks like a duck…” (It also comes up in conversation that Jax is 36. Ahem.) Jax is suspended for two weeks and Pinky banishes him.
Out of curiosity, where’s Max? Did he make it home okay? Is her recovering? Did Lisa fly him home separately from the group after Jax was jailed?
Tom and Ariana are repainting their apartment on the first anniversary of Shay’s Wedding of the Century. They agree it is best to disengage from these people. Ariana realizes that Scheana makes everything, even Tom and Ariana’s relationship, about Scheana. Ariana thinks Scheana is jealous of Tom and Ariana’s non-dysfunctional relationship (as opposed to the Shay’s marriage) and, yes, I agree with Ariana. Ariana may be the Daria of the group, but, let’s remember that more times than not Daria was right. And Tom already has Jane’s haircut, so, yes, Ariana and Tom are the new Daria and Jane.
Jax, Brittany, and Kristen meet at a bar called The Alley, which looks just like the alley set at SUR and every other Alley Set these past four seasons, except this time the producers put white tablecloths on the tables and used the purple mood lighting. Jax is taking his suspension as a vacation (as opposed to his real vacation, which resulted in jail time). Kristen claims to not know that Kevin has a girlfriend. Jax rats him out. Kevin shows up, and Krazy Kristen returns, dismissing Kevin and saying “You’re worse than Jax!” effectively insulting Jax IN FRONT OF Jax.
So Kevin’s moved out and Stassi has temporarily moved in and has already started bossing Kristen around, jostling our Kristen out of bed the next morning to show her the fabulous new apartment she’s found – one that is SO MUCH BETTER than Kristen’s – and it turns out that the guy who leaked Stassi’s Sex Tape was her ex-boyfriend and a fellow LVP employee. He allegedly tried to blackmail her for $900 dollars, and Stassi alleges that LVP “took care of it.”
Fun fact: it is apparently cheaper to watch Stassi’s Sex Tape than it is to bail Jax out of Jail. And that’s one to grow on.
Jax pays the Schwartz back for bailing him out.
The Shays go out to celebrate their one year anniversary. Scheana wants to get drunk. Shay says, in a talking head filmed later, that he “married a hot…(pause pause pause) awesome person” and that’s why he puts up with her nagging and waving a bottle for him to pee in around. Scheana, still not understanding what an addict is, says she wants to find a happy medium (at least she didn’t say “happy median” like Melissa Giudice) and that is “Don’t get shitfaced. Don’t be a bore.” Meaning, you are allowed to get drunk enough to amuse me but not annoy me. Fuck you Scheana.
James and Lala shoot an underwear/soft core porn commercial. James douches it up by saying that he’s done tons of modeling, mate, so of course he’s brilliant at it. Lala also models, but is realistic about her body. Lala sets rules for their relationship and James promptly sets out to break them.
Everyone knows Stassi is going to see LVP, except, supposedly LVP. Let’s face it, if Ladyfingers McGee was coming to the restaurant, LVP would know – especially since they coordinated their outfits beforehand, with Lisa is stunning red and Stassi is slithery green. It’s a marvelously staged and obviously choreographed meeting. Lisa sets the tone right off by asserting her dominance, which throws Stassi off her game. LVP tells her to sit, then to stand, then to sit, then to leave, with some poisonous barbs in between.
Stassi tries to pull off “prodigal daughter” but her inherent, DNA level awfuleness won’t let her even allow her to cry on cue. She offers LVP the $900 which LVP paid off the blackmailing boyfriend. LVP declines and is offended – hell, she’s offended to even be in the same room as Stassi – and says that if Stassi wants to get back in her friends’ good graces (ie back on the show permanently) she will need to be sincere and do a lot of work making it up to her friends (ie kiss Lisa’s pink ass). Stassi tries to pull the “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry” routine, but Lisa wasn’t buying it from Jax and she isn’t buying it from Stassi, who is dismissed.
Stassi leaves but cannot contain the “fuck you bitch” look in her eye as she glances at the camera.
Next week: Katie has a launch. James is not invited, but crashes. Stassi works on Schwartz to get to Katie.