Tonight, I shall be filling in for Ben C who is
bound and gagged and chained to his radiator indisposed at the moment due to going AWOL in the middle of writing his RHOP recap eating some bad oysters, may he RIP we expect him to make a full recovery. You just can’t get decent unpaid interns these days. This means I am going to focus on fast and not perfection, like Ben does.
In keeping with Xanadude’s theory that Lisa and Ken have a torrid sexual appetite where they bring in extra partners like Lisa collects other animals, we see the mature couple
filling our their AARP forms entering a sex shop together. LOL at “the fucking towel” that is sort of a genius idea! That way you don’t use the fucking towel as a hand towel, or worse yet a guest towel. I digress. Ken has taken over the lease and wants to put in a restaurant (where would they get the money for that at the moment? )
Perhaps they have settled up or Villa Blanca has sold. I just realized those legal issues were in the summer of 2014! That’s two seasons of Big Brother ago! It seems like yesterday. I presume they have had plenty of time for financial restructuring. Anyway, back to the show, Lisa is immediately drawn to the crops. Because, pony play. Um, I mean mini-horses! She does refer say ponies though, not mini-horses. I’m just saying. That vibrating duck seems quite powerful. Pinky is not feeling opening a British Tavern.
Kathryn drops by Villa Rosa, which is probably the most beautiful house in L.A. to visit Pinky. In her talking head, Kathryn talks about the swan shit, which must be awful. I just saw on Mohamed’s Instagram the other day that he has swans as well. Lisa starts off with the offensive questions right away. How old are you? Is your husband much younger? How much younger is he? What’s that like? Do you notice his age difference? This seems to be Pinky’s role this season. These two head to the BBQ together.
Eileen is heading to Italy with Vince. She plans to take her sisters ashes. They are taking the boys and her deceased sister’s kids. Or daughter. Or something. There are seven in the group. This ash scattering stuff is going to drag on forever. I’m going to fast forward through some of this. I have my own dead sister if I feel like getting depressed about sisters and cancer. Which I don’t.
I am totally not a car person but this vintage Mercedes Kathryn is riding in undoes me. It’s just beautiful. We get our first look at Donnie. He’s hot and he is taking her diamond shopping. They also just got back from Europe. Ooooh, a giant emerald. Now we are in my wheelhouse! Donnie is kind of metrosexual for a football player. Kathryn talks about flying overseas in first class not business. Um, I dunno what airline she flies but on overseas flights business is first class. If she is picking up two million in jewelry on a random Tuesday she should be flying private. Thus, I have now discounted this entire scene. They leave the infomercial without jewelry.
Rinna meets for lunch with Kathryn. I would like for the haters to watch Lisa eat. Because she does. They talk about lips and botox and fillers. Oh and the glory days. Kathryn says she couldn’t have kids. She and Donnie though about adoption but opted to travel instead. Good choice.
Kyle is having a BBQ so that production can set Kathryn and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick for a bitch brawl. Faye is still working with Kyle on her closet room. My closet room has become a mound of clothes. It’s on my list of things to make and do. One day. Faye says she is not ready to talk to Kathryn about such a painful topic. But revealing all of Nicole’s secrets in a book right after her death, she was good with.
Yolanda arrives and lets us know it’s only been ten days since her boobs got yanked out. You know, in case we had forgotten the whole silicone up to her collarbone issue. Am I the only one who thought that implant looked pretty full? She tells us she is wearing a poncho because she is supposed to keep her arms next to her body for two weeks. Yolanda is wondering why everyone is dressed up for a BBQ. Is she new to Beverly Hills? I don’t think there will actually be BBQ either.
Erika arrives in jeans and she too is confused by Kyle’s boobs on display dress. It’s not even her usually causal Bohemian muumuu, which I LOVE by the way. HA! Kyle says she is not BBQing either. I knew it. Erika says in Atlanta, if you are invited to a BBQ you expect fucking BBQ. Rinna is surprised by the non BBQ too. But more shocked that Yolanda is there. This is two conflicts at one non BBQ! Yolanda says no more nail polish, no hair color, no toxins. Lisa wonders where he silicone is going. Yolanda, who has never heard of the concept of the blood brain barrier it would seem, replies, “You’ll know when it hits your brain!” So now silicone has crept up past her collar bone slipped past that pesky blood brain barrier and infected her brain causing brain damage and making it unconscionable for David not to provide spousal support. Hypothetically speaking.
In the limo, Kathryn said something about being a man in a woman’s body. Lisa said that is her line. They seem to bicker, yet Pinky says that Kathryn and Kyle were her allies this season. Kathryn sees Faye and her blood begins to simmer. Kathryn is pissed that Kyle didn’t warn her Faye was there. We have a flashback to Faye accusing Lisa of using Brandi to do her dirty work in 2012. Camille arrives. Kathryn says that she and Yolanda were in competition for the same jobs back in the day. Yolanda leaves announcing she is going back to bed. Pinky tells Lisa she is none to happy about Faye being there. About that time Faye walks by and Rinna says, “Faye, how did we meet?” Followed quickly by , “Why are you and Lisa having a little thing?” Oh Rinna I do love you so. Vanderpump is sinking into herself trying to evaporate but she is blocked in by the other two and has no clear escape route. This will be the end of the friendliness between the two Lisas for sure and Rinna won’t know what hit her. Faye says that they are both protective. She was protecting Kyle and Pinky was protecting Brandi. According to Faye, it is time to move on.
And we all sit down. Kyle’s huge dog comes right up to Pinky with a tennis ball. So cute. Dogs do love Pinky. This makes me think she is probably a good person. Not perfect, but a good person.
Kathryn is across from Faye and now all I can see when I look at Kathryn is Aviva. Gee thanks. Do I have Wonky to blame for this? At first they speak about Yolanda. Erika talks about how “massive” Yolanda’s surgery was. Rinna again brings up to Erika that there is some question about Yolanda’s Lyme diagnosis. Kyle thanks Lisa for not bringing up Munchausen. Everyone tells Lisa she needs sit down with Yolanda as if Pinky and Kyle don’t have questions of their own.
Pinky Spills The Tea
Speaking of questions, Kyle asks Lisa about Bella and Anwar. Lisa says.” I never heard that…..so ” Rinna interrupts and asks, “what do you mean you never heard that? Is it true?” Pinky continues, ” I dunno, if she says it’s true the…” Kyle interrupts to ask what Mohamed says about it. Pinky says, ” No.” Kyle says, “Mohamed says no they don’t have it?” Pinky says, “…..well… he just said..no that she’s the only one that has it…but…I don’t want to come between a husband….and…that….that’s..I..I.”
Kyle says, “That is not her husband anymore by the way…” Shut up Kyle, let her finish blabbing the family secrets for fucksake! Pinky says, ” Well, ex-husband but one of my best friends.” And the one upmanship over Mohamed continues between Pinky and Yolanda. Did Yolanda finally win that war? Because rumor has it this scene really pissed him off! Lisa is trying to backpeddle and Kyle and Lisa keep pressing. Lisa is muttering under her breath to Kyle, “Don’t make me come over there I am serious. I. Don’t.Want. To Talk. About. It!”
Holy shit! This is almost as good as the time Brandi outted Adrienne or using a surrogate on national TV! I got so many hits on that post that I literally thought I had broken the Internet. I thought I was under a DOS attack. It was insane. And I was brand new and has no ads 🙁
The Playboy Connection
Erika suddenly shouts to Rinna to talk about her Playboy shoot. And just like that we move on. Camille, Faye and Lisa Rinna have all been in Playboy. Faye seems pissed that Kyle blurted out she did Playboy so she excuses herself and Kyle goes after her. While she is gone Rinna pokes Kathryn with a stick about the tension between her and Faye. Kathryn says Faye capitalized on a tragedy and it was horrible.
We set up for the Faye v Kathryn showdown! When Faye comes back, Kathryn opens fire. Faye just sits there looking at her. Faye says she has nothing to say about that time. She says there is not much to discuss is there? Kathryn says it is an elephant in the room. Faye asks Kathryn if she feels better. Then she announces to the table that she doesn’t want to have any conversations at the table on this subject. Kyle starts singing the praises of Faye. Faye has managed to squash the conversation like a bug. It was the showdown that ever happened.
Next week: We have a bunch of menopausal women doing burlesque and Lisa Rinna sits down with Yolanda to discuss her Munhausen. Or Chronic Lyme Disease. Or silicone to the brain. Lisa actually says the word Munchausen to Yolanda. That should go well. And Pinky goes in on Kyle for not giving her a heads up that Faye would be at the non BBQ. And more drama between Kathryn, Kyle and Faye while dressed in burlesque attire.