Your usual recapper for Vanderpump Rules, Xanadude, put in for some for vacation time which I begrudgingly granted and he is off with El Spouso. who is a having a milestone birthday! I’ve already heard from the happy couple who are having lots of fun without us. Meanwhile, I got slammed with two late breaking stories (Peter Thomas is about to get arrested and Kenya Moore’s Birthday party was very interesting) and I am late getting started. This only makes my performance anxiety worse, as Xanadude does such a fabulous job. Sadly, I am going to go for fast over good as usual, because the faster the post, the more readers the post gets. So here we go. We are back in Hawaii and the show will end with the kids finding out Jax got arrested. Okay, let’s do this fast and dirty recap!
We start with Jax lying about lying. Which is hysterical especially since Britanny believes him when he says things like, “sure I cheated on all my other girlfriends but you are different.” Britanny is still, to this day, dating Jax because she says she has no reason not to trust him. This reminded me of a commenter who said something similar about Phaedra Parks this week. It really makes my head spin. Another commenter said something wise about people not finding the truth because they aren’t looking for it. Brittany seems to be going through this relationship with her eyes closed. Jax has said on camera several times how much he wants to fuck Lala. Britanny calls that “flirting.” Jax smirks when Britanny says, “I just want you to be honest with me.” Delusional, party of one, your table is ready.
After a few hits on the beer bong, Faith, James and Max go to check on Lala who has taken to her bed. Lala is pissed because no one cared that Faith went topless. Lala is devastated and crying because people are questioning her character and self-respect. This from the girl who was on a podcast with the guy who runs a website degrading women, degrading herself to him on the podcast. She’s just crying because she’s not getting laid. Lala says she hasn’t spread her legs for anybody, and a very fucked up Max grins his drugged out face off. Those must be some good pain meds the doctor prescribed. James, sees an opportunity and gets into bed with Lala. Lala kicks him out. Even Lala has standards. When she is sober.
We now must endure more discussion with Scheana and Ariana. Ariana is never one to accept an apology, so this will continue all season. I’m calling it now. In this case, Scheana is not sorry.
We go back to slamming beer out of a beer bong, a common practice among groups of 30 somethings in a nice hotel in Hawaii. #Adulting The hotel, that is comping all the rooms for these fools tries to class it up by rolling a bar of hard liquor and mixers out for them so they can drink out of some thing classier than a communal funnel. Seriously, would you hit a beer bong after this crew? No, no you would not. Shay gets very excited and tells, Scheana he wants to drink the hard liquor. Scheana then realizes that her husband is already drunk. He has been drinking without her permission. For this he will pay for many days. Scheana is not worried about Shay drinking because he has a problem, no, she is pissed that he is drinking because she needs someone to talk to about her unaccepted apology to Ariana. It’s always all about Scheana. Shay is useless to Scheana at this point. I’m sure she is consoled by the fact he’s probably too drunk to get it up.
It appears they were all sent to their rooms by the hotel.
Schwartz and Katie still have not “consummated their engagement.” He is really trying to call up his hetero side, but with Sandoval and Jax there in Hawaii half nekkid all the time, he just can’t get it up.
Sandoval on the other hand is happy as a pig in shit to have girl drama to revel in. He is right smack in the middle of the drama between Ariana and Scheana and the longer he keeps that going the less hetero sex he has to have.
At the same time, Scheana is in bed with her husband lecturing him. Shay blows sunshine up Scheana’s ass. She must save lots of money on butt implants that way.
Lisa gets airtime calling her grown son at ten am on vacation. Of course, Ken is propped up next to her as they both stand in the closet. Lisa, aren’t you an LGBTQIADIGDKE advocate? You need to set a better example and come out of the closet.
Next. the crew does just what Lisa told Max not to do. They go for surfing lessons. Sidenote: Peter has a girlfriend who appears to be a genetic female. Is there no alcohol allowed on the beaches at all in Hawaii? They are still drinking out of suntan lotion flasks.
As Sandoval and Jax paddle out, Sandoval asks why he is wearing sunglasses that he stole from the hotel. Jax admits he did steal them and says “the world is just getting them back again.” This is probably a different pair of sunglasses from the ones he steals later because I believe he was arrested at the store (which is located on the first floor of the building the hotel is in). Some of them are better surfers than others. Most of them seem to at least get up on the board.
I noticed how super large Katie’s butt was and how her swimsuit didn’t cover the subject, but I was not going to mention it. As least not until she mocked Lala’s bikini bottoms as looking like underwear that a girl in a rap video would wear. I think she is jealous of Lala’s small frame. There is very little to be jealous of when it comes to Lala but she does look good in a swimsuit and this is the second time in two episodes that Katie has been pressed about what Lala decides to swim in. Maybe she is worried her boyish figure is more attractive to Schwartz than she is. Scheana sees that Lala is getting picked on and decides to degrade her farther. Scheana says she used to be a whore like Lala but she has gotten past that. That’s how Scheana expresses compassion. She related it to herself.
Stassi shows up at Kristen’s apartment. It’s great we get Kristen time, but Stassi is quite the price to pay. Stassi tries to make up a story about why she and Patrick broke up. It’s all lies so I will spare you. Kristen is loving that as she says, “Stassi is slowly rolling down the mountain to rock bottom, and it’s kind of her fault.” Oh Kristen, please don’t hog all the schadenfreude! Stassi is trying to get her friends back. Stassi wants to make up with Katie but she is mad that she stayed friends with Scheana who was showing everyone Stassi’s “sex tape.” There are a lot of sad things about Stassi, but by far the saddest is that she could not get anyone to be in a sex tape with her.
We have Lisa straddling an inflatable swam while fretting about Max to Ken and the hairless mutt. If Giggy doesn’t get face time, he doesn’t get paid! Lisa is probably getting paid by the Huge Plastic Pink Swan Flotation Device Company too. I can’t blame her, She has a lot of debt.
When word comes that Stassi is back, Scheana says Stassi is a loser who is only out for herself. Well, Scheana would know.
Jax is in love with Britanny because she lacks self-confidence and doesn’t hold him to any sort of standard.
The gang goes out to dinner.The waiter suggests they order a watermelon bowl with 12 shots of liquor blended in. At dinner, Lala explains to James she is not interested in him because before the trip they tried to have sex and he could not get it up. James is emasculated by the conversation.
Sandoval pulls Scheana aside to chat. She tries to apologize again. We go over the whole text again. Tom says that the things she said about Tom are really just her projections of how she treats Shay. Scheana is offended he is talking about her relationship in a negative way —in the middle of a conversation where she is fake apologizing for talking to Adriana’s MOTHER about Sandoval in a negative way. Scheana leaves the conversation feeling like the offended party. Because it’s all about Scheana.
Stassi might be setting the record for most weave on a white girl. Kristen is sending an Uber for her new boyfriend. She has a real pattern of paying for boyfriends. Stassi tells her that the guy who is coming lives with his girlfriend. He shows up and says he has an ex and he doesn’t live with her. This guy lives in…. another state. I forget where. He seemed to just be in LA for filming season.
Back in Hawaii, everyone is partying for what I think is the last night. Brittany tells Lala and Faith she wants to start over with them and just be friends. Sidenote: Almost all of the cast is in Utah right now for the Sundance Film Festival. Including Jax and Kentucky.
They are making it look like Jax was arrested on the last night. But I don’t think that was how it went down. I think they had a whole day after his arrest.
Katie and Schwartz never had sex in Hawaii. I’m not sure about Schwartz and the Sandoval. Or Schwartz and Jax. Or Jax and Sandoval.
Bail is $11K. Apparently, production gets him bailed out an hour and a half before their flight. Or Sandoval called the pimp from Miami and got him to bail Jax out. Or as Jax said on WWWHL Schwartz bailed him out. Who knows. He makes it to the airport in the clothes he was arrested in. Jax plays the pity card with a guilt back up, “I feel so bad for my mistake. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, I totally understand.” Brittany didn’t play into as expected and say “Oh it’s okay, I still want to see you!” But she may as well have. I bet that part happened on the plane.
In his talking head Jax pretends to cry and says he is embarrassed. He’s not fooling me. I’m not one that can be Jaxed.
Next Week: Lisa Vanderpump reads Jax for the filth that he is.