by Guest Contributor Xanadude
Discussion topic for later: Is VPR “the best days of our lives,” as proclaimed in the theme song, or a “brief, stupid moment in our lives,” as stated by Kristen? Take out your number two pencils, open your blue book, and remember to show your work!
On to our recap:
The Hawaii contingent has landed, and based on their behavior at the airport and on the plane, SURvers are those people you don’t want to sit next to on the plane. Jax plays grab ass before the flight, but since all asses look the same to Jax (it’s like ass autism), he grabs Katie’s instead of Kentucky Brittany’s. Katie doesn’t care, though, as it’s the most action she’s had in a while – she and Schwartz have not had sex since the engagement (remember the failed drunken attempt after the engagement party?) and she’s beginning to get cranky. Schwartz later says that they are just saving it up for the wedding night, when they can just “splurge,” before catching himself and realizing what that sounds like. On the plane, James and Lala make out. James wants to join the Mile High Club. Lala shoots him down.
Once in Hawaii, Jax says the perfect vacation would be Drinks, Steaks, and Blow Jobs. On this trip, the couples are rooming together, except for Faith and Lala (who are sharing a bed) and Max and James (we aren’t shown if Max has separate accommodations from James).
Prior to the trip, Ariana’s mom sent Ariana copies of the text between A-Mom and Scheana. As predicted, Ariana’s mother said something very innocent along the lines of “Is Ariana okay?” Scheana then proceeds to trash talk Tom and expresses “concern” about how Ariana has changed. This is not what Scheana told Ariana and Tom – she claims it was A-Mom who said bad things about Tom when clearly Scheana was the one saying them. Ariana and Tom are pissed and plan to confront Scheana.
LVP and Ken are shown at Casa de Pinky worrying about Max. Ken says that Lisa is worried about nothing and Max will take his medicine and not drink. Lisa is concerned because…James, who she calls “erratic,” which is like calling the Donner Party “a little snack in the woods.”
At dinner, things start to Go To Hell.
Sandoval, as one of the birthday boys, has planned the outings for the group. Several people don’t wish to partake, which is fine. Scheana at one point cackles like a crazy woman and the editors lovingly make sure that it is played in its entirety. Ariana makes a toast to the birthday boys (Sandoval and Jax) and James takes that moment to thrust his tongue down Lala’s throat. This upsets Jax, who wants Lala, but has a girlfriend sitting three feet away from him. Jax wishes Kristen were there and that James wasn’t, but he says it in a passive aggressive Jaxy way, “James, you need to control your woman”, setting James off. James leaves to smoke a ciggy and Max trails after him. No one cares, as James has obviously been foisted on this trip by production and Pinky. Jax, realizing that he will have to contractually interact with James (and therefore Max, the Boss’s Son) for the next three days, goes over to make nice. James, not wanting to go home before pounding Lala (his words, not mine. I’m not that vulgar. Really. Stop that giggling. I’m NOT vulgar.), makes nice with Jax. Max is feeling the effects of mixing his medicine with alcohol and is in a stupor in which he will remain for the rest of the episode.
Ariana and Tom confront Scheana about the texts between her and A-Mom. Confronted with the lies and generally skeeviness of the entire situation, she screams “You guys are trying to put words in my mouth!” to which Tom and Ariana respond “No, I just read your words!” Shay is visibly upset at this and grows ever more ashen faced before feebly defending his bride, who doesn’t know how to respond when confronted with her own lies and bolts from the scene. For once, she doesn’t want it to be all about her. She does a sorry/not sorry and leaves, causing everyone not involved in the conversation to giggle nervously.
Later..or the next day…or…I can’t really tell since I don’t think these were filmed in sequence…James says he is going to HAM Lala. HAM apparently stands for “Hard as a Motherfucker”, and I’m grateful that James told me that since I forgot my English to Douche Translation App.
The next morning Katie (who sleeps in T-Rex PJs. Really) and Schwartz skip the morning workout to contemplate taking Bieber induced ass selfies on the balcony and to receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers from LVP. Cue call to LVP to thank her! LVP takes the moment to ask about Max. As far as Katie and Schwartz know, he’s fine.
At the workout session (Jax and Brittany, Scheana and Shay) Scheana and Brittany bond over their mutual anti-Lala stance. Jax is wearing a relic from his early 30s, the sweatband he wore in the Olivia Newton-John “Physical” video (because Jax is really in his late 50s) and thank G-d he has it on, because he starts guilt sweating like crazy when Brittany proclaims that she thinks people who flirt with other people’s boyfriends are disgusting. Oh Brittany. The number of things you will be disgusted by involving Jax by the time your tenure on VPR is over will be numerous. Just be thankful he is not flirting with other people’s boyfriends in front of you – but, then again, we haven’t seen any rich older men from Miami arrive yet, so…but I digress.
On the couples hike, it is mentioned that Sandoval raided Indiana Jones’ closet. This is low hanging fruit and I’m not going there, so please, please, write your own What Did Sandoval Find in the Closet joke here.
Ariana proclaims Lala’s boobs are being “unscandalous,” so when Jax confesses to have seen them earlier, he thinks it’s ok. It’s not OK.
We now have dueling narratives, as we switch from the hike (which ends up in a lake with a waterfall) and Scheana, Shay, and Katie on the beach. Katie’s fiance Schwartz ditched her to go on the hike with his SisterHusband. Note this. It is important for later.
On the beach – a No Alcohol Allowed Beach – Scheana and her recovering(?) addict husband sneak alcohol in in tampon containers and sunblock bottles. Not making that up. Sheana encourages her recovering(?) addict husband to get drunk, just not noticeably drunk. Fuck her.
Everyone discusses the texting between Scheana and A-Mom. Scheana’s spin is that she’s just a caring friend, and, like, Ariana’s, like, not even her best, like, friend anymore, like, Katie is. Katie beams at this info. Katie and Ariana have bonded because both of them are in relationships with pussywhipped men.
Brittany confronts Lala – Lala admits to flirting and crossing some lines but calls out Jax’s lies about the nature of his relationship with Brittany. Lala enjoys watching Jax squirm and decides to hold back the entire truth from Brittany so as to spare her feelings. Jax is appreciative of this, but, as we will find out later, not SO appreciative of it as to not take things a step further and lie about Lala to Brittany.
Lala and Faith take the opportunity at the waterfall to go topless. Katie thinks that her engagement is threatened by Lala’s nipples, but the guys are appreciative, Ariana doesn’t give a fuck (again, I really dig Ariana), and Brittany is so enthralled by Jax that she doesn’t notice.
Later (?) Back at the hotel, Max drinks some more. James rationalizes it. Max is totally spaced out as he receives a call from his mother. Slurring his way through a short conversation, he assures her everything is fine. The boys are joined by Faith and Lala. Faith is wearing these really gross grey hair extensions which need to go. Schwartz goes to his room to talk to Katie and they argue over Scheana and the A-Mom texts. The argument doesn’t last long, as neither have the memory span of a guppy.
Dinner. End of Day One.
Shay is still drinking and Schwartz is still talking about all the boobies he saw that day. Katie is still threatened by wild boobies, but no one cares. Lala thinks Katie is threatened because Katie and Schwartz don’t have sex, and when they DO have sex, it’s not “interesting” sex.
Scheana makes it all about her and proclaims that, on the subject of Faith and Lala’s topless waterfall escapade, “You don’t do that in front of other girls’ boyfriends,” which is true, because if you are Scheana, you only fuck other married women’s husbands. #eddie Max clearly LOVES the nipple talk, and everyone toasts to nipples. No joke.
Jax proclaims his fidelity and loyalty to Brittany and Brittany proclaims her trust in Jax. Jax, not knowing when to shut up after Lala clearly did him a favor by not telling Brittany the extent of Jax’s Jaxiness with her, says he never did anything and Lala is a whore. Lala takes offense and pulls Brittany aside for a talk, telling Brittany about the time Jax said, repeatedly, on camera, in front of Scheana and Kristen, how much he wanted to fuck Lala. We are treated to blue tinged flashbacks showing this.
Jax then does what Jax does, and lies.
Brittany is clearly one of those hideous “blame the bitch” women, who, when their men cheat, blame the other woman. Lala leaves frustrated because Brittany just doesn’t get it. Brittany pulls Jax aside. Jax lies some more, forgetting or not caring it is on tape. Scheana comes over and (remember her previous pledge to be anti-Lala?) covers for Jax, saying that all SHE saw was Jax squirming and she definitely did not hear what Jax said (clearly forgetting that we all saw her reaction shots to him saying it). Lala leaves, muttering to herself about wanting to just be alone right now.
Next week: More Vacation (Keep those Bingo Cards on Hand!) and the return of Stassi. Also, and not related to the Return of the Beast, I will not be recapping next week’s episode, as I am treating El Esposo to a Trip for a Milestone Birthday he is having.