By Ben Cole
The Beverly Hills ladies are taking it cross-country this week, with a quick girls trip to the Hamptons. The past couple of episodes have been a running ad for NyQuil, so hopefully this trip picks things up a bit. We’ve got Lisa Vanderpump’s Bella Magazine cover-release party (yes, it’s a ‘white party’ – not to be confused with the annual Umansky/Richards white party. Apparently, the white-themed party circa 2003 is still “in.” How interesting.) + Kyle’s pop-up shop (apparently a test-run for a potential permanent spot in NYC) + Bethenny supposedly makes an appearance at some point! Looks like we’ve got some exciting times ahead.
PS: Where is Kathryn Edwards?? Is she in some Bravo-limbo somewhere holding on to that diamond for dear life? How many episodes must we wait?!
The episode starts out showing each of the ladies packing & prepping for the Hamptons trip.
Kyle is in her closet with Portia picking out an appropriate dress for Lisa’s Bella Magazine cover release party. Eileen packs with Vince watching, as he comments on how ridiculously expensive all of her most recent purchases are. Eileen’s a second-season housewife now, Vince! Homegirl has got to step up her game! No respectable housewife secures a third season looking anything like her first-season self!
Erika has a packing session with one of her gays/creative director. We get a quick glimpse of her castle/home. 5 acres – 17,000 square feet. Literally, Queen. She’s having to pack for two different people Erika Jayne, and Erika Girardi. She’s stopping in Chicago before the Hamptons to perform for Chicago Gay Pride. We see an array of pink & sparkly catsuits. Erika admits she had her boobs done. Growing up, she was always jealous of everyone else’s “gorgeous boobs” – so one day she went out and got her own. We get a brief snippet of a conversation between Erika & her ‘creative director’ about the other housewives gossiping about Yolanda behind her back. She says people should have more compassion & mercy when talking about other people. I just noticed the shoes Erika is casually strolling around in. At least six-inch heels, hot pink, & lace-up (white shoelaces.) You do you, girl.
More Hamptons packing with Lisa and Ken. Why is this the identical set-up to every packing scene at Villa Rosa?? Ken sits in the same chair with Giggy, while Lisa goes through outfits she inevitably will throw in a pile & have someone else hang up & fold. They bring up Kim getting arrested for shoplifting at Target. Lisa doesn’t understand why Kim would shoplift in the first place, especially 600 dollars worth of toys. She doesn’t even have kids. Ken and Lisa debate Kim’s state of mind during the arrest. (gee, I wonder.) Lisa says the police or store manager should have just pulled her aside and asked “Excuse me, madam – have you a f****** clue what you’re doing??”
Lisa calls Kyle to check in on her. Nobody is sure how long Kim was in rehab for due to all her rehab-hopping. Kyle clearly sounds upset on the phone. In a talking head, Kyle reveals she found out about Kim and the arrest via TMZ. Kyle hasn’t spoken to Kim, and is just trying to figure out what happened. Kyle starts to get emotional, and says Portia is there listening so she tells Lisa she can’t talk about it anymore and hangs up.
Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna is off to Philadelphia for a QVC taping before heading off to the Hamptons. In her talking head, she says she travels at least once a month to work with them. She loves it – it’s quick, live, in & out, & instant gratification. Rinna checks into her hotel suite and immediately begins wiping down the entire place with sanitizer wipes. Lisa admits in her talking head she is crazy & she owns it. She knows how many “cooties” there are in the world and won’t take any chances. Lisa Rinna shares a dressing room with Dennis Basso at QVC. Casually runs into Isaac Mizrahi in the green room. So funny to think about all these random celebrities just hanging out together at some random office space somewhere outside Philly. Rinna says selling for one hour on QVC, makes the same amount of money as one year selling in a boutique. Suddenly I have a ton of business propositions for QVC. We see Lisa in her final moments before heading to set. She’s a natural at this. Hustling, I think I’ve heard it’s called. She’s pushing a style of jacket that’s been around since the 60’s, and a basic wool wrap-around sweater/cardigan. Very Target-Chic. All of Rinna’s mouth-running really pays off on a platform like this. She wraps up her shoot and is off to meet the rest of the ladies in the Hamptons.
Yolanda has escaped her tower yet again, and made it home! Only for a short while though, she’s getting ready to leave to Ohio for her procedure. She mistakenly starts to put a milk carton in a cabinet with the plates. We get it, girl, you have low brain function. She says her goodbyes to her mother, and takes off in a car with David. He sweetly grabs one of her boobs and asks if he can hold them the entire way. It makes her laugh and seems to take her out of the moment. In Yolanda’s talking head she tells us 10 years ago she fell & ruptured an implant and had to have them replaced. 10 years later, doctors found free-floating-silicone. Since the doctors found that silicone, she is having both implants and all the free-floating-silicone removed. I went back and double checked her exact words for all you keyboard warriors (don’t come for me unless I send for you!)
Erika is off to meet Tom (Mr. Girardi/Daddy Dearest) for lunch. He stands for her, and pulls out her chair. Where can I find a man like this? (Preferably over 60 and with an extra black American Express card like Mr. Girardi.) The server asks if she would like a glass of wine, Erika opts for iced tea instead (AND simple syrup from the bar – a true southern girl!!) Erika fits in a piece of cake for dessert after her husband gets back to work. In her talking head she says she wants to eat like the Beverly Hills Bitches, but can’t. Calls herself a failure when it comes to dieting. I’m sure she gets in a good-enough workout with all that puss-patting.
Erika calls Lisa Vanderpump from the table. She is giving Lisa the heads up she’s not going to make it to the magazine-cover release party, but will be in the Hamptons after. Erika tells Lisa she’s “giving the gays everything they want in Chicago & jumping on a plane and will meet the girls.” Lisa asks if it’s ‘any plane’ or ‘her plane.’ Erika swiftly quips back it’s her private plane. Lisa gives Ken the thumbs up. Erika & Lisa have a moment over Erika calling Lisa ‘Diva’ – Lisa is thrown off by it, Erika assures Lisa she means it as a compliment. This seems like the start of a potential new playful friendship. #LisaJayne – Brandi who? (oh my god….who am I?!?!!!)
Yolanda & David (and Daisy?? T.T reported the deal with this Daisy woman last year) have made it to Ohio and are on the way to surgery. Yolanda comments when she’s done with everything she will be the ‘Toothless, Boobless, Brainless Wonder.’ Correct me if I’m wrong – but it sounded like Daisy interjected with ‘brainless’ and Yolanda added it into her final thought. Hmmmmmmm. Cue Daisy and her new, state-of-the-art tree bark treatment plan.
Yolanda won’t remove her wedding ring for the surgery. She says she’s never taken it off since the day David put it on. Wonder if that’s still her philosophy. We see a sweet pre-surgery moment between David & Yolanda. He seems to really be there for her through the whole thing. They Facetime with Gigi before Yolanda is taken in for surgery. We meet the doctor and at first glance she looks more like a chef than a doctor. What even is that bonnet? Damn, the next time I have a procedure I want it done at this place. Yolanda is posted up in a white, terrycloth robe like she’s about to have a spa day. She says in a talking head this procedure will NOT cure the Lyme Disease, but will change and strengthen her immune system. It will hopefully give her body the opportunity to cure itself 80-90% back to normal. (Again, keyboard warriors, her words – not mine. I happen to have a chronic disease myself, and this explanation makes perfect sense to me.)
We get a glimpse into Yolanda’s procedure – and see Daisy creeping and overseeing the whole thing. At times she almost appears to be narrating FOR the doctor. Have a seat, woman. The doctor takes out one of the implants. Having hardly ever seen a natural pair of breasts myself, I can, however, say they (real or fake) should absolutely never look like what I just saw. Yolanda is wheeled back to the recovery room and the doctor tells David everything went really well. Compares the procedure to a marathon. The implant had such a bad rupture, the silicone granuloma spread all the way up to her clavicle.
Cut to Lisa, Ken & Giggy boarding a helicopter Bella Magazine sent for her to ride into the Hamptons. The magazine has accommodated rooms for all the ladies at the same hotel. It’s apparently the “hottest spot” in the Hamptons at the moment. It turns into one of the hottest night spots every evening. We immediately cut to Eileen on the phone with Kyle saying she is in hell. This is the type of hotel with the pool & bar directly in the center of the rooms, as to create an open “party” vibe for the guests. Mauricio finds a house nearby for the ladies to rent, so they decide to relocate (mind you, this is all before Lisa Vanderpump even arrives.) Eileen leaves a NOTE for Lisa Vanderpump at the front desk letting her know they’ve left. A note. A NOTE! Who raised you!? Eileen in a talking head says Lisa V. is completely reasonable person & should understand why they left the hotel. No sleep, too loud, no room service (lol ok), I think she kept going but my ears stopped listening.
Lisa & Ken check in and the receptionist at the front desk immediately gives them the NOTE that Eileen left for Lisa. She reads the letter and is, naturally, pissed off. She doesn’t understand why the other women wouldn’t at least wait until she got there and discuss it with her. Lisa calls Eileen and Eileen jumps right in with the same excuses. She claims there was no room service, which I find hard to believe. No hotel any Real Housewives crew would stay at, wouldn’t have room service. Hell, the Holiday Inn in Peoria, Arizona I stayed in this past summer had room service. Eileen suggests Lisa move to the house with them and Lisa tells them she can’t – the magazine is pulling out all the stops for her and it would be rude. Eileen says they can “discuss it later” – because this weekend is all about Eileen, remember. Go have a glass of your driest white wine and hush. Rinna shows up to the house and is relieved Eileen “saved” them from the party-till-4am-club/hotel. They go to meet Lisa V. at the white party for her Bella Magazine cover.
Lisa V. greets them cordially, and (jokingly) tells Kyle she “hates her right now.” She gives all the ladies trouble for moving out without waiting for her/giving it any discussion. She hoped they would all stay and party together at the hotel. Eileen jumps back at Lisa V telling her she’s not allowed to be upset – all the ladies just flew a red-eye and want to get some sleep. Oh Eileen, chug a Starbucks and get over it. Have you not realized your status on the totem pole yet?! Kyle says it’s only bothering Lisa because she wishes she could stay at the house with them. Kyle gets the rest of the ladies off the hook by telling Lisa she’s not in a party mood anyway – because of what has been happening with Kim. Vanderpump asks Kyle if they’ve spoken and Kyle says no. Rinna asks Kyle if she knows where she is and Kyle nods. In a talking head, Kyle says it’s a sensitive subject and no one really seems to care. Lisa V brings up the specifics of Kim being under the influence in public and shoplifting from Target. Lisa says she knows the real Kim wouldn’t do something like that. Kyle (naturally) doesn’t want to talk about it at a public event in the Hamptons (duh) and shuts it down.
Phew, these ladies tire me out. Hopefully this recap doesn’t make you feel the same! Let me know what y’all thought in the comments below or on twitter – follow me @bennayy!! xoxo
Bethenny!!! Kyle & Bethenny have a long talk about Kim
Erika arrives in the Hamptons, meets Lisa Rinna for the first time
Bethenny meets Erika. Calls her a playboy bunny, Bambi.
We see cracks in the friendship between Eileen & Lisa V.