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You are here: Home / Entertainment News / Vanderpump Rules Recap: You Probably Think This Show Is About You, Don’t You?

Vanderpump Rules Recap: You Probably Think This Show Is About You, Don’t You?

January 5, 2016 by tamaratattles 52 Comments

Vanderpump rules pump rules

 

Xanadude

Contributing Writer

Welcome back to another recap of VanderPump Rules!  We open this week with Schwartz visiting LVP at the Pink Palace. Pinky has not had a chance to clean the poop from the bridge and warns Schwartz as he crosses it – she HAS had a chance to add some pink highlights to her hair, though.  Schwartz hasn’t had time to learn what sangria is made of, other than that some of it is red, and dismisses Lisa’s concerns with a “it’s something I can learn from the Internet,” which is EXACTLY what your boss wants to hear about her product.  Schwartz presents the engagement ring he bought for Katie for to LVP for approval.  LVP loves it before saying that he’d best do it quickly as Schwartz won’t find anyone better. Schwartz wants to “Schwartzify his proposal,” but Lisa is wary since she knows of Schwartz’s performance anxiety. Schwartz is aware of it as well and asks for a Xanax.  We never do hear Lisa’s answer, which may be for the best.

Tom and Ariana go to a tattoo removal specialist, WHO JUST HAPPENS to be friends with Kristen.  “WHO JUST HAPPENS TO” happens be in this episode a lot, totally by happenstance, happily, I reckon.  The cost? With the Friends and Family discount, $1007.  And it will take up to a year and half for the procedure to be complete.  And Tom can’t tan because it looks like he’s allergic to the red ink.  Tom’s take away is a “One to Grow On” PSA entitled “Think before you ink.”  Perhaps if he had followed MY motto, “Don’t drink and ink,” he wouldn’t be in this situation.


PUMP lala

Jax, Scheana, Lala, and Kristen(!) meet to discuss the upcoming Hawaii trip (aka Jax’s annual Lockup). Jax can’t uninvite/disinvite Kristen.  We learn one of the great rules of the universe: Once you fuck Kristen, you may not fuck any Kristen adjacent pussy.  There is a radius of non-fucking going on here, people, and one MUST adhere to the rule, or consequences be damned.  Jax and Lala flirt and banter to the point of making everyone uncomfortable, causing Scheana to declare all hands must be above the table.  Jax claims that Kentucky is not really his girlfriend and she’s probably not even coming to Hawaii with them, and please, Lala “Can we just fuck and not tell anyone?”  Quote/Unquote.  Lala fails to succumb to his charms (that we know of).

Jax BLATANTLY steals sunglasses for Kentucky in Hawaii. Caught on Camera!

At SUR, Sandoval breaks a bottle of sambuca, hating sambuca because it is “sticky and pungent.”  If anyone is an expert on sticky and pungent, it’s Sandoval.  We learn that everyone except Katie knows about the imminent proposal, but, frankly, it’s kind of normal for Katie not be clued on on things beyond her direct line of sight.

Someone makes a reservation and we only hear Lala’s part of the conversation, which consists of “Would you like me to put a sparkler on it?” because putting a sparkler on it is this season’s “Put a bird on it.” (Portlandia returns this month too.  It’s, like, the anti-VanderPump Rules. Watch it.

We tried to warn you, Brittany!
We tried to warn you, Brittany!

Kentucky shows up at SUR while Jax is working.  She’s loaded up her truck and she moved to Beverly.  I expect Granny on the hood in a rocker, but there’s just boxes and boxes everywhere.  Gentleman Jax gallantly gives her the keys to his/their apartment, because Jax is the exactly the kind of guy who makes a lady unpack her own boxes.

Jax is the guy who has one eye in the mirror as he watches himself gavotte.  Look it up.  And the look up the reference. Ten Tamara Tokens if you get it!

James (aka Training Wheel Jax) is watching this all and creeps up to Kentucky trying to suss out what is going on. Klueless Kentucky spills that she is moving in. James tries to warn her off.  Kentucky doesn’t understand the language he is speaking, collects the keys, and goes to unpack and look up the local Hooters for a position. Kentucky’s accent is REALLY thick this episode, by the way.  Like, distractingly thick.

James (aka Draco Malfoy) slitherins on over to Lala and tells her that Jax has a live in girlfriend.  Lala is shocked – SHOCKED, I tells ya – and calls Jax a “gross old man” before clarifying that even though she and Jax are finished, she and James are most definitely not an item, placing them between “cuddle buddies” and “fuck buddies” on the Lala Relationship Spectrum.  I have the feeling the space between the two can be measured in Fireball shots.

Jax goes to collect his paycheck from LVP’s office (which is incidentally Room B and has a pink door) and asks for time off for the gang to go to Hawaii – and, oh, can Max come, because he’s “hanging out with Faith.”  Lisa is aghast (remember last week I told you to watch for Lisa being aghast a lot?) and doesn’t want her son going on a trip with the SURvants – cue flashback to every bad trip ever, including ChunkySweater Throwdown 2012 – and in the end its left rather ambiguous as to whether Max is going or not.  Not ambiguous? LVP and Jax’s relationship.  No pretense.  LVP knows all of Jax’s secrets and Jax knows his charms won’t work on her, so he doesn’t even try.

Lala tells Faith she touched James’s peepee. Exact words.  She also doesn’t know that Hawaii is in the United States. Insert your Obama birther joke here.

We all collectively hate James at this point, and, after the WWHL debacle, don’t much care for Lala.    Jax is just being Jaxy, but, collectively this threesome and plot line is just gross and I want to get a HepC shot just for watching it.

Pump Rules Kristen KarmaJames still thinks he is going to Hawaii.  He is puzzled as to why he is on the schedule.  LVP catches him taking pictures of the schedule.  James claims that he is buddies with Tom and that this will win out over any problems between he and Jax.  LVP is appalled (appalled AND aghast!) and warns him not to even try to switch his shifts and crash the trip. James says that he is going to go anyway and will, apparently, hide in Lala’s vag the entire trip like a demented Keebler elf.

At some point Jax mentions that he went shopping for the trip and cleaned out the store.  Apparently, he forgot to buy sunglasses.

PumpRules Katie and Tom (2)

The gang (minus James and Lala) got to Sandoval’s pre-trip dinner party aka the fake party used to cover up the Engagement of Schwartz and Katie.  No snark: Schwartz did a great job.  He hired/asked a fake couple: they are directly in Katie’s line of sight and, as the man gets down on one knee, Katie makes the comment that the universe is rubbing her face in the fact that she’s not engaged.  Schwartz gets up, interrupts the couple, gets the ring box from the man, and goes back to propose to a clearly surprised and delighted Katie.  Good Job Schwartz.  Katie says yes.  Violin players come out.  Ariana gets teary and blames it on allergies.  Scheana tries to make it all about her (“Even I didn’t know this was going to happen!”) but  gentle nudge from Shay stops her short. (Good job, Shay!) And of course Tamara Tattles had the news withing 15 minutes of the proposal.  The evening ends with the happy fiancée walking down the streets as a thin black hipster whips out his cell phone and takes pictures, which is kind of fitting, I think

Next week: The trip.  And Ariana’s in the bitch seat.

Need more Xanadude in your life? Follow him on Twitter!

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Filed Under: Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules Tagged With: Ariana, Ariana Madix, Bravo, Brittany Cartwright, Did Tom Cheat on Ariana?, dumbasses, Entertainment, Entertainment News, Felony Charge, Hawaii, James, James Kennedy, Jax, Katie Maloney, Kristen, Kristen Doute, Lala Kent, Lisa Vanderpump, Mike Shay, Morons, Peter, PUMP, Sandoval, Schwartz, Stassi Schroeder, SUR, Tom and Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Sandoval is in Love With Jax, Tom Schwartz, Vanderpump Rules, What is Jax's real name?, Why was Jax in Jail?

About tamaratattles

Come for the tea. Stay for the shade. Not for the easily offended. You're a special snowflake just like everyone else.

Comments

  1. Tara says

    January 5, 2016 at 7:41 am

    Xanadude VPR Vacation Bingo is near!!!

    Everytime I see your name, I picture a man on rollerskates with all white on. Of course he is skating to Olivia Newton John!!! Too much coffee, sorry.
    Great recap!

    Reply
    • Xanadude says

      January 5, 2016 at 10:57 am

      Yep – I’ll have to VPR Vacation Bingo card to Tamara this weekend so we can all print it out and play along prior to the show.

      Reply
  2. Tara says

    January 5, 2016 at 7:42 am

    Xanadude VPR Vacation Bingo is near!!!

    Everytime I see your name, I picture a man on rollerskates with all white on. Of course he is skating to Olivia Newton John!!! Too much coffee, sorry.

    Reply
  3. Tara says

    January 5, 2016 at 7:42 am

    Yikeesss wtf! Sorry

    Reply
  4. Toddy says

    January 5, 2016 at 8:13 am

    Demented Keebler elf, lmao! Fun recap, thanks, Xanadude!

    Reply
  5. cobe says

    January 5, 2016 at 8:38 am

    Condolences to Katie.

    She’s got two choices:

    1. Re-dye her hair orange in hopes of claiming “Oompa Loompa-Hood” and escaping, or

    2. Getting tips from Scheana about how to pretend to be happy in a marriage to someone whose only activity is doing drugs. Pro tip: Start with life size photos on every available wall.

    3. Introduce Tom 2 to Stassi’s invisible boyfriend, hoping they both disappear together into the mists of Hawaii.

    Poor thing.

    Reply
    • cobe says

      January 5, 2016 at 8:39 am

      Oops. That’s three.

      I guess there are really 50 though, beginning with “hop on the bus, Gus”

      Reply
      • Bridgett says

        January 7, 2016 at 12:10 am

        Cobe…great song reference!

        Reply
  6. checkeredapron says

    January 5, 2016 at 8:39 am

    Excellent recap! Carly Simon fits right in, clever you are

    Reply
    • justanothermary says

      January 5, 2016 at 10:10 am

      I got the gavotte/Simon reference without even looking it up! I’m usually not this together before noon.

      Reply
      • Dee says

        January 5, 2016 at 10:40 am

        I got it too. I hear she finally admitted it was about WB. Loved this recap. I can’t believe Brittany moved in with Jax, ugh!
        Thanks so much!

        Reply
      • Pitypat says

        January 5, 2016 at 7:07 pm

        For the last 40 years I thought it was “you watched yourself a lot”. I wonder how many other songs lyrics I got wrong!!!

        Reply
      • Maisey says

        January 5, 2016 at 7:28 pm

        Well, Pitypat—-there is my favorite Creedance Clearwater song “There’s a bathroom on the right”??

        Reply
        • lisamia says

          January 5, 2016 at 11:12 pm

          Blinded by the Light. Rev up like the douchbag…

          Reply
  7. Allison says

    January 5, 2016 at 8:47 am

    I cannot bear Scheana. Between dropping her “g” s (weddinnnn) and being a two-faced awful friend- go. Faith just showed her vast and impressive knowledge of geography and US history, that was fun-but I’m living for Jax’s arrest. Is KFC aka Brittney still around, does anyone know?

    Reply
  8. Angel(?) says

    January 5, 2016 at 9:58 am

    I’m glad Arianna is getting the “bitch” edit this season. She deserves it. I do think she and Tom make a good couple since she doesn’t want to be married ever and have children. Tom is still a child and bi-sexual.

    I can hardly watch James anymore. He is so creepy. He and La La need to slink off somewhere together.

    I think Schwartz did a great job with the proposal. I bet once the ink is dry on the marriage certificate Katie will start laying down the law.

    I am sad that Kristin is not going to Hawaii.? Kristin is playing the game well! She’s slowly working her way back in the group, causing Arianna to flip out and annoy the hell out of everyone. Yea! Soon, hopefully, she will be in and Arianna will be out.

    Reply
    • WonkyTonk says

      January 5, 2016 at 2:05 pm

      Yeah that’s my read on both of the Toms, Bi. And that meeting through Craigslist and how Schwartz describes how nervous he was he walked around the block. Yeah hard not to come way thinking anything but that that was a Craigslist personals M4M hookup. Lol can you imagine the ad?

      “Bi White male 20 something looking to get my cherry popped. This will be my first time so prefer men with a small penis, micro-penis would be ideal. Interested in other masculine Bi males to ease me into it. Don’t have much experience so you’ll have to take it slow. Send stats and picture in first reply. Safe only. Serious only respond. As long as this ad is up I’m still looking. Get at me.”

      Reply
  9. Twilly says

    January 5, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    Sounds like a great proposal! Good job, Schwartz!

    Reply
  10. lisamia says

    January 5, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks, Xanadude and you’re not so vain! (You can send me the tokens). James will always be Howdy Doody to me. Lala and he make the perfect dummy couple.

    Reply
    • Maisey says

      January 5, 2016 at 1:00 pm

      Lol.
      Howdy Doody crossed with a salamander.
      Ewww.

      Reply
      • lisamia says

        January 5, 2016 at 1:08 pm

        Maisey, James is so ewww.

        Reply
  11. Spilledperfume says

    January 5, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    Great recap.

    Does anyone know if all of Tom’s nervousness was part of the act? I seriously thought he might be having a panic attack but I don’t know this show well enough.

    Reply
    • tamaratattles says

      January 5, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      /KILLS SELF

      Reply
      • Spilledperfume says

        January 5, 2016 at 6:42 pm

        No, don’t do it. It was just a question because I don’t know these people.

        I couldn’t figure out what was going on. He was sticking his tongue out, rubbing his face. Drinking beer. I didn’t know if it was a big act or if he really had panic attacks.

        As someone who has panic attacks it makes me uncomfortable to watch someone start breathing heavy, etc.

        Reply
  12. Anastasia_Beave says

    January 5, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    I loved this episode. Had a big smile on my face the whole time. Love every Tom/LVP scene, and the proposal was so great.

    Reply
    • WonkyTonk says

      January 5, 2016 at 7:45 pm

      Agreed I like the way they flirt with each other. She’s got a soft spot for him.

      Reply
      • Maisey says

        January 5, 2016 at 8:17 pm

        And I think he has a hard spot for her.
        Tee hee.

        Reply
      • WonkyTonk says

        January 5, 2016 at 8:46 pm

        MAISEY!!!!! It took me entirely too long to figure out the word play and what you were saying! Lol.

        Reply
      • Anastasia_Beave says

        January 5, 2016 at 9:40 pm

        Definitely. I love watching the two of them together.

        Reply
  13. Anastasia_Beave says

    January 5, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    To the person who asked if Jax and Brit are still together, as of 2 weeks ago, yes. He spent Christmas with her family.

    Reply
  14. cornkeys says

    January 5, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    you’re so vain – helen reddy

    Reply
    • Maisey says

      January 5, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      “I am woman—hear me wrong”

      Lol

      Reply
      • lisamia says

        January 5, 2016 at 5:27 pm

        OMG, my chest cold came back so now I am laughing and coughing–thanks, Maisey! 🙂

        Reply
      • cavex2 says

        January 5, 2016 at 6:22 pm

        LOL Maisey… I just sprayed orange soda everywhere… so funny.

        Reply
      • Maisey says

        January 5, 2016 at 7:32 pm

        Lisamia—-get well soon!
        cavex2—–clean up that soda!!
        corn keys—hope you don’t mind a little fun! Happy New Year to you!

        Reply
      • Xanadude says

        January 5, 2016 at 9:56 pm

        Oh Maisey. My sides hurt. Don’t do that to an old(er) man…

        Reply
      • cobe says

        January 6, 2016 at 7:50 am

        Maisey, several years back, I ran around with a friend of mine getting “interviews”. We’d go up to the burliest, biggest men and ask “Can you tell me the words to this song” and hum the tune. A good amount of them knew the words and belted them out.

        The most hilarious was a huge firefighter. He had a great personality. He was so excited that he recognized the tune that he just belted out the entire chorus.

        It was one of the funniest moments of my life to be standing there with a firefighter singing “I am woman, hear me roar”

        Good times.

        Reply
  15. calipatti says

    January 5, 2016 at 5:53 pm

    Xanadude you are marvelous with your quips, so funny.
    I will take your opinion that Schwartz did well with the proposal, which I usually sneer at.
    As a Mom of three men I don’t see any situation that I would had wanted them with the SUR servers. Horrifying at best.

    Curious about James not being embarrassed he wasn’t invited to Hawaii and how he plans on attending. Scripted?

    You almost drag me back into watching these useless caterers. Not quite there.

    Reply
    • The Lady Cocotte says

      January 5, 2016 at 11:45 pm

      James is too full of himself to realize he’s not invited…

      Reply
  16. Josie says

    January 5, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    As usual, awesome recap!

    Very sweet proposal by Schwartz. I was cutting onions at the time and tearing up. Only a gay man could come up with such a sweet and creative proposal. I need a gay husband.

    All joking aside…congrats to Katie and Tom! ?

    Reply
  17. usernamemommy says

    January 6, 2016 at 3:24 am

    With Pinky being so damn oblivious to Jax and his crap and being so mean to James, she has me wanting to defend James. He is creepy but its getting old watching Jax harass him and then when he defends himself, Pinky ragging his ass some more while never saying a word to Jax. Ariana. I despise her. Does she have a permanent smirk on her face? Seems so and it doesn’t do her any justice as she’s not pretty to begin with. How did she end up a regular part of this crew on this show? I was also less than impressed with Sandoval’s mom and her “It makes me so happy to be here with you guys and Tom’s finally found the right woman” That shit was so fake and she’s not the sort of woman to be all sweetsy anyway. And Scheana made the proposal all about her? What about Ariana and her oh, my allergies are bothering me??? Which she must have thought was one of her “understanding comedy” moments as she tweeted and retweeted it as of yesterday. What pathetic losers. But, its like a trainwreck. You know its ugly but you can’t stop looking at it anyway. As for Schwartzy, my attitude of him is forever changed after hearing that horrible baby talk voice he had going on. Ugh!

    Reply
    • Jill says

      January 7, 2016 at 6:36 pm

      Who is Pinky?

      Reply
      • tamaratattles says

        January 7, 2016 at 6:46 pm

        Stinky’s sister.

        Reply
      • usernamemommy says

        January 10, 2016 at 3:08 am

        Pinky is my name for Lisa. lol Suits her doesn’t it?

        Reply
    • tamaratattles says

      January 10, 2016 at 9:13 am

      Jill, I am a little slow on the uptake lately. I just now get your post. 🙂

      usernamemommy, we do not allow housewives, etc to be referred to by silly nicknames at this site.

      HOWEVER,

      When Lisa Rinna came on the show, there were two Lisa’s. This made it harder to recap especially for me because I tried to recap and publish my entire recaps in an hour and stopping to clarify which Lisa was taking a lot of time.

      Recentlyl, Lisa Vanderpump let us know that she wanted to go by her nickname “Pinky” and Bravo said no. We discussed that here an Xanadude started using that name to differentiate. So I don’t get why you think it is something you invented.

      Generally here when someone uses a nickname, if the post itself doesn’t get deleted, regulars generally respond with who is_________? And refer the commenter to the commenting rules.

      Since Lisa calls herself Pinky, and to make differentiating between the two Lisa’s easier. We now sometimes call Vanderpump, Pinky.

      Sorry I was so slow to catch that Jill. 🙂

      Reply
      • Jill says

        January 11, 2016 at 8:16 pm

        No big whoop

        Reply
  18. Jill says

    January 7, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    There is something about that Lala character that doesn’t sit well with me. And is Lala her real name? Poor Brittany, unless she had ulterior motives, didn’t know what she was getting herself into.

    Reply
    • Maisey says

      January 7, 2016 at 6:53 pm

      Her real name is Stinky. I think she has a sister on the show.

      Reply
    • Allison says

      January 7, 2016 at 11:51 pm

      Real name is Lauren. She was actually on Nik Richie’s podcast recently and is just as obnoxious as thought.

      Reply
      • Jill says

        January 11, 2016 at 8:17 pm

        She’s a shady character.

        Reply
  19. Northeastgrl says

    January 8, 2016 at 11:17 pm

    Excellent recap as always, you had me at ‘Gavotte’. ~ you probably think this post is about you. ?

    Reply
  20. Amanda Pea says

    January 12, 2016 at 4:01 am

    “It’s, like, the anti-VanderPump Rules. Watch it” – Should be Portlandia’s marketing slogan.

    Reply

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