Welcome back to another recap of VanderPump Rules! We open this week with Schwartz visiting LVP at the Pink Palace. Pinky has not had a chance to clean the poop from the bridge and warns Schwartz as he crosses it – she HAS had a chance to add some pink highlights to her hair, though. Schwartz hasn’t had time to learn what sangria is made of, other than that some of it is red, and dismisses Lisa’s concerns with a “it’s something I can learn from the Internet,” which is EXACTLY what your boss wants to hear about her product. Schwartz presents the engagement ring he bought for Katie for to LVP for approval. LVP loves it before saying that he’d best do it quickly as Schwartz won’t find anyone better. Schwartz wants to “Schwartzify his proposal,” but Lisa is wary since she knows of Schwartz’s performance anxiety. Schwartz is aware of it as well and asks for a Xanax. We never do hear Lisa’s answer, which may be for the best.
Tom and Ariana go to a tattoo removal specialist, WHO JUST HAPPENS to be friends with Kristen. “WHO JUST HAPPENS TO” happens be in this episode a lot, totally by happenstance, happily, I reckon. The cost? With the Friends and Family discount, $1007. And it will take up to a year and half for the procedure to be complete. And Tom can’t tan because it looks like he’s allergic to the red ink. Tom’s take away is a “One to Grow On” PSA entitled “Think before you ink.” Perhaps if he had followed MY motto, “Don’t drink and ink,” he wouldn’t be in this situation.
Jax, Scheana, Lala, and Kristen(!) meet to discuss the upcoming Hawaii trip (aka Jax’s annual Lockup). Jax can’t uninvite/disinvite Kristen. We learn one of the great rules of the universe: Once you fuck Kristen, you may not fuck any Kristen adjacent pussy. There is a radius of non-fucking going on here, people, and one MUST adhere to the rule, or consequences be damned. Jax and Lala flirt and banter to the point of making everyone uncomfortable, causing Scheana to declare all hands must be above the table. Jax claims that Kentucky is not really his girlfriend and she’s probably not even coming to Hawaii with them, and please, Lala “Can we just fuck and not tell anyone?” Quote/Unquote. Lala fails to succumb to his charms (that we know of).
At SUR, Sandoval breaks a bottle of sambuca, hating sambuca because it is “sticky and pungent.” If anyone is an expert on sticky and pungent, it’s Sandoval. We learn that everyone except Katie knows about the imminent proposal, but, frankly, it’s kind of normal for Katie not be clued on on things beyond her direct line of sight.
Someone makes a reservation and we only hear Lala’s part of the conversation, which consists of “Would you like me to put a sparkler on it?” because putting a sparkler on it is this season’s “Put a bird on it.” (Portlandia returns this month too. It’s, like, the anti-VanderPump Rules. Watch it.
Kentucky shows up at SUR while Jax is working. She’s loaded up her truck and she moved to Beverly. I expect Granny on the hood in a rocker, but there’s just boxes and boxes everywhere. Gentleman Jax gallantly gives her the keys to his/their apartment, because Jax is the exactly the kind of guy who makes a lady unpack her own boxes.
Jax is the guy who has one eye in the mirror as he watches himself gavotte. Look it up. And the look up the reference. Ten Tamara Tokens if you get it!
James (aka Training Wheel Jax) is watching this all and creeps up to Kentucky trying to suss out what is going on. Klueless Kentucky spills that she is moving in. James tries to warn her off. Kentucky doesn’t understand the language he is speaking, collects the keys, and goes to unpack and look up the local Hooters for a position. Kentucky’s accent is REALLY thick this episode, by the way. Like, distractingly thick.
James (aka Draco Malfoy) slitherins on over to Lala and tells her that Jax has a live in girlfriend. Lala is shocked – SHOCKED, I tells ya – and calls Jax a “gross old man” before clarifying that even though she and Jax are finished, she and James are most definitely not an item, placing them between “cuddle buddies” and “fuck buddies” on the Lala Relationship Spectrum. I have the feeling the space between the two can be measured in Fireball shots.
Jax goes to collect his paycheck from LVP’s office (which is incidentally Room B and has a pink door) and asks for time off for the gang to go to Hawaii – and, oh, can Max come, because he’s “hanging out with Faith.” Lisa is aghast (remember last week I told you to watch for Lisa being aghast a lot?) and doesn’t want her son going on a trip with the SURvants – cue flashback to every bad trip ever, including ChunkySweater Throwdown 2012 – and in the end its left rather ambiguous as to whether Max is going or not. Not ambiguous? LVP and Jax’s relationship. No pretense. LVP knows all of Jax’s secrets and Jax knows his charms won’t work on her, so he doesn’t even try.
Lala tells Faith she touched James’s peepee. Exact words. She also doesn’t know that Hawaii is in the United States. Insert your Obama birther joke here.
We all collectively hate James at this point, and, after the WWHL debacle, don’t much care for Lala. Jax is just being Jaxy, but, collectively this threesome and plot line is just gross and I want to get a HepC shot just for watching it.
James still thinks he is going to Hawaii. He is puzzled as to why he is on the schedule. LVP catches him taking pictures of the schedule. James claims that he is buddies with Tom and that this will win out over any problems between he and Jax. LVP is appalled (appalled AND aghast!) and warns him not to even try to switch his shifts and crash the trip. James says that he is going to go anyway and will, apparently, hide in Lala’s vag the entire trip like a demented Keebler elf.
At some point Jax mentions that he went shopping for the trip and cleaned out the store. Apparently, he forgot to buy sunglasses.
The gang (minus James and Lala) got to Sandoval’s pre-trip dinner party aka the fake party used to cover up the Engagement of Schwartz and Katie. No snark: Schwartz did a great job. He hired/asked a fake couple: they are directly in Katie’s line of sight and, as the man gets down on one knee, Katie makes the comment that the universe is rubbing her face in the fact that she’s not engaged. Schwartz gets up, interrupts the couple, gets the ring box from the man, and goes back to propose to a clearly surprised and delighted Katie. Good Job Schwartz. Katie says yes. Violin players come out. Ariana gets teary and blames it on allergies. Scheana tries to make it all about her (“Even I didn’t know this was going to happen!”) but gentle nudge from Shay stops her short. (Good job, Shay!) And of course Tamara Tattles had the news withing 15 minutes of the proposal. The evening ends with the happy fiancée walking down the streets as a thin black hipster whips out his cell phone and takes pictures, which is kind of fitting, I think
Next week: The trip. And Ariana’s in the bitch seat.
Need more Xanadude in your life? Follow him on Twitter!