Contributing Writer
Welcome back to another recap of VanderPump Rules! We open this week with Schwartz visiting LVP at the Pink Palace. Pinky has not had a chance to clean the poop from the bridge and warns Schwartz as he crosses it – she HAS had a chance to add some pink highlights to her hair, though. Schwartz hasn’t had time to learn what sangria is made of, other than that some of it is red, and dismisses Lisa’s concerns with a “it’s something I can learn from the Internet,” which is EXACTLY what your boss wants to hear about her product. Schwartz presents the engagement ring he bought for Katie for to LVP for approval. LVP loves it before saying that he’d best do it quickly as Schwartz won’t find anyone better. Schwartz wants to “Schwartzify his proposal,” but Lisa is wary since she knows of Schwartz’s performance anxiety. Schwartz is aware of it as well and asks for a Xanax. We never do hear Lisa’s answer, which may be for the best.
Tom and Ariana go to a tattoo removal specialist, WHO JUST HAPPENS to be friends with Kristen. “WHO JUST HAPPENS TO” happens be in this episode a lot, totally by happenstance, happily, I reckon. The cost? With the Friends and Family discount, $1007. And it will take up to a year and half for the procedure to be complete. And Tom can’t tan because it looks like he’s allergic to the red ink. Tom’s take away is a “One to Grow On” PSA entitled “Think before you ink.” Perhaps if he had followed MY motto, “Don’t drink and ink,” he wouldn’t be in this situation.
Jax, Scheana, Lala, and Kristen(!) meet to discuss the upcoming Hawaii trip (aka Jax’s annual Lockup). Jax can’t uninvite/disinvite Kristen. We learn one of the great rules of the universe: Once you fuck Kristen, you may not fuck any Kristen adjacent pussy. There is a radius of non-fucking going on here, people, and one MUST adhere to the rule, or consequences be damned. Jax and Lala flirt and banter to the point of making everyone uncomfortable, causing Scheana to declare all hands must be above the table. Jax claims that Kentucky is not really his girlfriend and she’s probably not even coming to Hawaii with them, and please, Lala “Can we just fuck and not tell anyone?” Quote/Unquote. Lala fails to succumb to his charms (that we know of).
At SUR, Sandoval breaks a bottle of sambuca, hating sambuca because it is “sticky and pungent.” If anyone is an expert on sticky and pungent, it’s Sandoval. We learn that everyone except Katie knows about the imminent proposal, but, frankly, it’s kind of normal for Katie not be clued on on things beyond her direct line of sight.
Someone makes a reservation and we only hear Lala’s part of the conversation, which consists of “Would you like me to put a sparkler on it?” because putting a sparkler on it is this season’s “Put a bird on it.” (Portlandia returns this month too. It’s, like, the anti-VanderPump Rules. Watch it.
Kentucky shows up at SUR while Jax is working. She’s loaded up her truck and she moved to Beverly. I expect Granny on the hood in a rocker, but there’s just boxes and boxes everywhere. Gentleman Jax gallantly gives her the keys to his/their apartment, because Jax is the exactly the kind of guy who makes a lady unpack her own boxes.
Jax is the guy who has one eye in the mirror as he watches himself gavotte. Look it up. And the look up the reference. Ten Tamara Tokens if you get it!
James (aka Training Wheel Jax) is watching this all and creeps up to Kentucky trying to suss out what is going on. Klueless Kentucky spills that she is moving in. James tries to warn her off. Kentucky doesn’t understand the language he is speaking, collects the keys, and goes to unpack and look up the local Hooters for a position. Kentucky’s accent is REALLY thick this episode, by the way. Like, distractingly thick.
James (aka Draco Malfoy) slitherins on over to Lala and tells her that Jax has a live in girlfriend. Lala is shocked – SHOCKED, I tells ya – and calls Jax a “gross old man” before clarifying that even though she and Jax are finished, she and James are most definitely not an item, placing them between “cuddle buddies” and “fuck buddies” on the Lala Relationship Spectrum. I have the feeling the space between the two can be measured in Fireball shots.
Jax goes to collect his paycheck from LVP’s office (which is incidentally Room B and has a pink door) and asks for time off for the gang to go to Hawaii – and, oh, can Max come, because he’s “hanging out with Faith.” Lisa is aghast (remember last week I told you to watch for Lisa being aghast a lot?) and doesn’t want her son going on a trip with the SURvants – cue flashback to every bad trip ever, including ChunkySweater Throwdown 2012 – and in the end its left rather ambiguous as to whether Max is going or not. Not ambiguous? LVP and Jax’s relationship. No pretense. LVP knows all of Jax’s secrets and Jax knows his charms won’t work on her, so he doesn’t even try.
Lala tells Faith she touched James’s peepee. Exact words. She also doesn’t know that Hawaii is in the United States. Insert your Obama birther joke here.
We all collectively hate James at this point, and, after the WWHL debacle, don’t much care for Lala. Jax is just being Jaxy, but, collectively this threesome and plot line is just gross and I want to get a HepC shot just for watching it.
James still thinks he is going to Hawaii. He is puzzled as to why he is on the schedule. LVP catches him taking pictures of the schedule. James claims that he is buddies with Tom and that this will win out over any problems between he and Jax. LVP is appalled (appalled AND aghast!) and warns him not to even try to switch his shifts and crash the trip. James says that he is going to go anyway and will, apparently, hide in Lala’s vag the entire trip like a demented Keebler elf.
At some point Jax mentions that he went shopping for the trip and cleaned out the store. Apparently, he forgot to buy sunglasses.
The gang (minus James and Lala) got to Sandoval’s pre-trip dinner party aka the fake party used to cover up the Engagement of Schwartz and Katie. No snark: Schwartz did a great job. He hired/asked a fake couple: they are directly in Katie’s line of sight and, as the man gets down on one knee, Katie makes the comment that the universe is rubbing her face in the fact that she’s not engaged. Schwartz gets up, interrupts the couple, gets the ring box from the man, and goes back to propose to a clearly surprised and delighted Katie. Good Job Schwartz. Katie says yes. Violin players come out. Ariana gets teary and blames it on allergies. Scheana tries to make it all about her (“Even I didn’t know this was going to happen!”) but gentle nudge from Shay stops her short. (Good job, Shay!) And of course Tamara Tattles had the news withing 15 minutes of the proposal. The evening ends with the happy fiancée walking down the streets as a thin black hipster whips out his cell phone and takes pictures, which is kind of fitting, I think
Next week: The trip. And Ariana’s in the bitch seat.
Need more Xanadude in your life? Follow him on Twitter!
Xanadude VPR Vacation Bingo is near!!!
Everytime I see your name, I picture a man on rollerskates with all white on. Of course he is skating to Olivia Newton John!!! Too much coffee, sorry.
Great recap!
Yep – I’ll have to VPR Vacation Bingo card to Tamara this weekend so we can all print it out and play along prior to the show.
Xanadude VPR Vacation Bingo is near!!!
Everytime I see your name, I picture a man on rollerskates with all white on. Of course he is skating to Olivia Newton John!!! Too much coffee, sorry.
Yikeesss wtf! Sorry
Demented Keebler elf, lmao! Fun recap, thanks, Xanadude!
Condolences to Katie.
She’s got two choices:
1. Re-dye her hair orange in hopes of claiming “Oompa Loompa-Hood” and escaping, or
2. Getting tips from Scheana about how to pretend to be happy in a marriage to someone whose only activity is doing drugs. Pro tip: Start with life size photos on every available wall.
3. Introduce Tom 2 to Stassi’s invisible boyfriend, hoping they both disappear together into the mists of Hawaii.
Poor thing.
Oops. That’s three.
I guess there are really 50 though, beginning with “hop on the bus, Gus”
Cobe…great song reference!
Excellent recap! Carly Simon fits right in, clever you are
I got the gavotte/Simon reference without even looking it up! I’m usually not this together before noon.
I got it too. I hear she finally admitted it was about WB. Loved this recap. I can’t believe Brittany moved in with Jax, ugh!
Thanks so much!
For the last 40 years I thought it was “you watched yourself a lot”. I wonder how many other songs lyrics I got wrong!!!
Well, Pitypat—-there is my favorite Creedance Clearwater song “There’s a bathroom on the right”??
Blinded by the Light. Rev up like the douchbag…
I cannot bear Scheana. Between dropping her “g” s (weddinnnn) and being a two-faced awful friend- go. Faith just showed her vast and impressive knowledge of geography and US history, that was fun-but I’m living for Jax’s arrest. Is KFC aka Brittney still around, does anyone know?
I’m glad Arianna is getting the “bitch” edit this season. She deserves it. I do think she and Tom make a good couple since she doesn’t want to be married ever and have children. Tom is still a child and bi-sexual.
I can hardly watch James anymore. He is so creepy. He and La La need to slink off somewhere together.
I think Schwartz did a great job with the proposal. I bet once the ink is dry on the marriage certificate Katie will start laying down the law.
I am sad that Kristin is not going to Hawaii.? Kristin is playing the game well! She’s slowly working her way back in the group, causing Arianna to flip out and annoy the hell out of everyone. Yea! Soon, hopefully, she will be in and Arianna will be out.
Yeah that’s my read on both of the Toms, Bi. And that meeting through Craigslist and how Schwartz describes how nervous he was he walked around the block. Yeah hard not to come way thinking anything but that that was a Craigslist personals M4M hookup. Lol can you imagine the ad?
“Bi White male 20 something looking to get my cherry popped. This will be my first time so prefer men with a small penis, micro-penis would be ideal. Interested in other masculine Bi males to ease me into it. Don’t have much experience so you’ll have to take it slow. Send stats and picture in first reply. Safe only. Serious only respond. As long as this ad is up I’m still looking. Get at me.”
Sounds like a great proposal! Good job, Schwartz!
Thanks, Xanadude and you’re not so vain! (You can send me the tokens). James will always be Howdy Doody to me. Lala and he make the perfect dummy couple.
Lol.
Howdy Doody crossed with a salamander.
Ewww.
Maisey, James is so ewww.
Great recap.
Does anyone know if all of Tom’s nervousness was part of the act? I seriously thought he might be having a panic attack but I don’t know this show well enough.
/KILLS SELF
No, don’t do it. It was just a question because I don’t know these people.
I couldn’t figure out what was going on. He was sticking his tongue out, rubbing his face. Drinking beer. I didn’t know if it was a big act or if he really had panic attacks.
As someone who has panic attacks it makes me uncomfortable to watch someone start breathing heavy, etc.
I loved this episode. Had a big smile on my face the whole time. Love every Tom/LVP scene, and the proposal was so great.
Agreed I like the way they flirt with each other. She’s got a soft spot for him.
And I think he has a hard spot for her.
Tee hee.
MAISEY!!!!! It took me entirely too long to figure out the word play and what you were saying! Lol.
Definitely. I love watching the two of them together.
To the person who asked if Jax and Brit are still together, as of 2 weeks ago, yes. He spent Christmas with her family.
you’re so vain – helen reddy
“I am woman—hear me wrong”
Lol
OMG, my chest cold came back so now I am laughing and coughing–thanks, Maisey! 🙂
LOL Maisey… I just sprayed orange soda everywhere… so funny.
Lisamia—-get well soon!
cavex2—–clean up that soda!!
corn keys—hope you don’t mind a little fun! Happy New Year to you!
Oh Maisey. My sides hurt. Don’t do that to an old(er) man…
Maisey, several years back, I ran around with a friend of mine getting “interviews”. We’d go up to the burliest, biggest men and ask “Can you tell me the words to this song” and hum the tune. A good amount of them knew the words and belted them out.
The most hilarious was a huge firefighter. He had a great personality. He was so excited that he recognized the tune that he just belted out the entire chorus.
It was one of the funniest moments of my life to be standing there with a firefighter singing “I am woman, hear me roar”
Good times.
Xanadude you are marvelous with your quips, so funny.
I will take your opinion that Schwartz did well with the proposal, which I usually sneer at.
As a Mom of three men I don’t see any situation that I would had wanted them with the SUR servers. Horrifying at best.
Curious about James not being embarrassed he wasn’t invited to Hawaii and how he plans on attending. Scripted?
You almost drag me back into watching these useless caterers. Not quite there.
James is too full of himself to realize he’s not invited…
As usual, awesome recap!
Very sweet proposal by Schwartz. I was cutting onions at the time and tearing up. Only a gay man could come up with such a sweet and creative proposal. I need a gay husband.
All joking aside…congrats to Katie and Tom! ?
With Pinky being so damn oblivious to Jax and his crap and being so mean to James, she has me wanting to defend James. He is creepy but its getting old watching Jax harass him and then when he defends himself, Pinky ragging his ass some more while never saying a word to Jax. Ariana. I despise her. Does she have a permanent smirk on her face? Seems so and it doesn’t do her any justice as she’s not pretty to begin with. How did she end up a regular part of this crew on this show? I was also less than impressed with Sandoval’s mom and her “It makes me so happy to be here with you guys and Tom’s finally found the right woman” That shit was so fake and she’s not the sort of woman to be all sweetsy anyway. And Scheana made the proposal all about her? What about Ariana and her oh, my allergies are bothering me??? Which she must have thought was one of her “understanding comedy” moments as she tweeted and retweeted it as of yesterday. What pathetic losers. But, its like a trainwreck. You know its ugly but you can’t stop looking at it anyway. As for Schwartzy, my attitude of him is forever changed after hearing that horrible baby talk voice he had going on. Ugh!
Who is Pinky?
Stinky’s sister.
Pinky is my name for Lisa. lol Suits her doesn’t it?
Jill, I am a little slow on the uptake lately. I just now get your post. 🙂
usernamemommy, we do not allow housewives, etc to be referred to by silly nicknames at this site.
HOWEVER,
When Lisa Rinna came on the show, there were two Lisa’s. This made it harder to recap especially for me because I tried to recap and publish my entire recaps in an hour and stopping to clarify which Lisa was taking a lot of time.
Recentlyl, Lisa Vanderpump let us know that she wanted to go by her nickname “Pinky” and Bravo said no. We discussed that here an Xanadude started using that name to differentiate. So I don’t get why you think it is something you invented.
Generally here when someone uses a nickname, if the post itself doesn’t get deleted, regulars generally respond with who is_________? And refer the commenter to the commenting rules.
Since Lisa calls herself Pinky, and to make differentiating between the two Lisa’s easier. We now sometimes call Vanderpump, Pinky.
Sorry I was so slow to catch that Jill. 🙂
No big whoop
There is something about that Lala character that doesn’t sit well with me. And is Lala her real name? Poor Brittany, unless she had ulterior motives, didn’t know what she was getting herself into.
Her real name is Stinky. I think she has a sister on the show.
Real name is Lauren. She was actually on Nik Richie’s podcast recently and is just as obnoxious as thought.
She’s a shady character.
Excellent recap as always, you had me at ‘Gavotte’. ~ you probably think this post is about you. ?
“It’s, like, the anti-VanderPump Rules. Watch it” – Should be Portlandia’s marketing slogan.