We start out the episode with Kyle “working” at her store, Kyle by Alene Too. Lisa Rinna stops by to shop. Mauricio promised Lisa (as a birthday gift) she could pop in the store and pick out whatever she wanted, charged to his account. Lisa brings up the fact she also once owned a boutique (she’s a hustler, remember) – Belle Gray. Says the store closed due to the recession, and multiple robberies. Kyle is opening a pop-up shop of Kyle by Alene Too in the Hamptons (cue Bethenny/RHOBH crossover #mybodyisready) and invites Lisa Rinna to come for a girls weekend.
We’re off to Villa Rosa, where we see Lisa & Ken tending to a very sick swan. Hanky (the swan) has a stomach infection and they’re taking him to the vet in the backseat of a Range Rover. Somewhere a tech developer is frantically creating Uber-for-pets. We get some hilarious footage of Ken struggling to get the swan into the backseat. Lisa suggests giving the bird Imodium to plug him up. Ken suggests sticking her finger up the swans butt – Lisa claims it wouldn’t be the first time. What a great mental image. They arrive at the vet and the vet lets them know she sees much improvement in Hanky.
Next up, we have Yolanda & Erika meeting Kyle for a walk in the park. They are legit dressed for a full-body workout session. So much tracksuit realness happening here. #ripJuicyCouture
It’s Kyles first time meeting Erika. They all exchange compliments and seem generally impressed with each other. The three ladies talk about Yolanda’s recent trip to Canada with David. We cut to a talking head of Kyle expressing her confusion at the stark contrast of Yolanda’s “serious” health-related Instagram posts, to what the ladies see in Los Angeles. Kyle (rightfully so) says she won’t bring up the Lisa Rinna gossip to Yolanda, she will wait for Rinna to put her big girl diapers on (okay, maybe I added that part) to address it herself. Kyle has a moment sympathizing with Yolanda, telling her of her own struggles in the past with health and how eventually it all boiled down to depression, due to the death of her mother. Yolanda (as she should) says in her talking head that a person can’t and shouldn’t compare Lyme Disease to Depression. Yolanda tells the girls that you can’t judge a person based on how they look on the outside. Kyle (jokingly) responds, “Why not?”
Yolanda (obviously) changes the subject to Erika and her upcoming concerts. Kyle finds out who Erika Jayne is. She seems impressed. We learn that Erika has a 23 year old son who’s a police officer. She had him at 21, in a previous relationship that ended because they were both too young. Yolanda suggests they all go for drinks with the other ladies to introduce Erika to everyone. Erika says she only hangs out with gay men – queens only (cue the keyboard warriors) and occasionally well-established women like Yolanda Foster. I’m wondering if Yolanda will keep her last name for that extra clout.
Yolanda brings up the subject of having surgery to have her breast implants and any leakage removed from her body. Yolanda found a surgeon in Ohio who specializes in this particular procedure, she’s done the same surgery over nine-thousand times. The doctor is better than anyone she can find in Beverly Hills. She makes a passing comment about her fear of having passed on her illness to her kids through breast feeding when they were young. Yolanda tells Erika & Kyle that both Bella and Anwar have Lyme Disease and have each been struggling with weakened immune systems for years. Kyle quickly reacts and claims it’s the first time she’s ever heard anything about this. Kyle doesn’t understand how all 3 family members could each have Lyme Disease. She wants to know if they were all bitten by ticks. Yolanda quickly comes back at Kyle that she and the kids lived on a ranch for many years, and there were ticks everywhere. Apparently Bella was diagnosed first, quickly followed by Anwar.
Yolanda is also giving up any form of botox. She doesn’t trust it. Erika chimes in announcing botox is the best solution to a bad day. You’re damn straight, girl.
Next up we FINALLY have the pleasure of watching Rinna get her cooch waxed. She’s been too busy #hustling and needs to get “trimmed and clean” before she leaves for Canada. The nice lady who waxes Rinna’s “hoo-hoo business” (her words, not mine) has apparently been doing it for 17 years. I’d wager the poor woman probably knows her way around Lisa’s “hoo-hoo” area better than Harry Hamlin does. We see the epic “She’s known my hoo-hoo long time” talking head quote.
Lisa’s esthetician is giving me throwback Sonja Morgan facialist vibes. She tells Lisa that her butt has wrinkles. She looks in the mirror and it’s gross. So she tries not to look in the mirror. Suddenly the ‘real’ in ‘real housewives’ is feeling really too real for me.
Cut to Lisa V. & Kyle arriving at the CBS studios set. Eileen has invited the ladies for a tour. Lisa playfully introduces Kyle as her assistant. I’m absolutely pulling this with my friends in the future. Lisa tries to get snacks from a vending machine. She claims she has never used one before. Kyle tries to tell Lisa they don’t accept 100 dollar bills. They all move to Elieen’s dressing room and Lisa gets to live out her (original) dream of becoming an actress. She wants to run lines with Elieen, but read for Ashley (Elieen’s character.) Elieen laughs aloud when Lisa reads her first line.
We get more Yolanda talk between the three women. Kyle tells Lisa & Eileen she just met with Yolanda and that she seems much healthier. There is a quick flashback of Lisa Rinna & the Munchausen gossip session. They all agree Lisa Rinna is not purposely being malicious, and Yolanda should know that. Eileen doesn’t understand how Yolanda couldn’t be aware that others are gossiping about her health, but Lisa V. & Kyle don’t think Yolanda has any idea. They agree Lisa Rinna needs to talk to Yolanda before someone else does, and makes things worse. Kyle invites the ladies for drinks with Erika & Yolanda. She’s excited to bond more with Erika. She likes the connection of both being young mothers. I must have hallucinated because I thought I heard Kyle call Erika a sweet, kind, intelligent woman. Words literally never spoken by a Real Housewife. Progress!
We’re off to drinks with the ladies. Yolanda and Kyle plan on introducing Erika to the group, minus Rinna who is in Canada. Yolanda says she can’t wait for the other ladies to pick Erika’s brain. In Yo’s talking head, she says Erika actually has a brain – and that’s hard to find these days. #ZING
Lisa Vanderpump is the first to arrive. She sizes up Erika in her talking head. She thinks she looks like the Barbie she used to play with – skirt up her butt, diamonds, and long blonde hair. Lisa and Erika have almost the same pink heels on. Lisa V. warns Erika not to hijack the color pink – it belongs to her. Erika handles herself like a champ and goes right along with Lisa. Tells her she can have the shoes and the color. Lisa playfully asks what size her shoes are. They all gush over Erika’s massive ring. Kyle compares it to the Lamborghini of rings. Erika says she did what every other woman has to do to get the ring – she’s “good.” Kyle comments Erika is giving Vanderpump a run for her money. She’s sparkly, pink, over the top.
Kyle wastes no time bringing up that she’s shocked about finding out Bella & Anwar also have Lyme Disease. Lisa Vanderpump chimes in and says she also didn’t know. She’s known Mohammed and all the kids for years and never had any idea. Yolanda claims she never brought it up in the past because Bella didn’t want her to talk about it. Bella had to stop riding horses because of it. Kyle wonders if it’s hereditary.
Eileen joins the group next. She says she knew she’d just have to find the loudest table in the room. I’d love to see her attempt dinner with the ATL ladies. They talk more of the Hamptons girls weekend, and Kyle invites Erika to join them. Erika agrees and says she can finish her concert and jump on her plane to join the girls. “A private something – a chef, plane, a fleet of cars..doesn’t matter. It’s Beverly Hills” says Erika in her talking head. She comments Kyle looks like a lot of fun, and she sees herself having fun with her. The girls all discover the alter-ego Erika Jayne, and discuss her career. Erika describes her alter-ego as loud, a lot of hair, not a lot of clothes on, & lots of rolling around on the floor being sassy. She tells the women she’s had eight #1 hits. In a talking head, Vanderpump wonders why she’s never heard of this girl before. She’s intrigued. All the ladies are eating this up.
Erika announces to the women her husband is 76 years old. She is 44. The ladies faces drop as if Brandi appears out of nowhere screaming “IM BACK, BITCHES!” tampon string and all. (My literal fantasy.) Kyle’s eyes are wider than ever (someone please .gif this) and Lisa (in her talking head) feels she’s figured Erika out & shouts “BINGO! He’s seventy-f******-six years old!!” (someone please go ahead and .gif this for me as well.) Erika gives the ladies a quick rundown of her backstory – she moved to NYC and was working, got married for the first time, had her kid & eventually divorced. She moved to Los Angeles afterwards, got a job as a cocktail waitress (where she met her husband.) They went on one date and have been together ever since. Married for 15 years, together for 16 and 1/2. Lisa asks what Erika’s husband is like in the bedroom. Erika says something is in his DNA, and he has no problem getting it up. No Viagra needed. Get it, daddy! Lisa announces Ken is the same way, and it’s very annoying. She’d hoped it would have worn off by now. Eileen shuts down the talk of 70+ year old sex. Praise be.
They discuss Ken & his birthday party. Lisa brings up Taylor ‘yak-yak-yaking away’ and that she wanted to slap her. We get a flashback of messy boots herself at the table discussing Yolanda and her “misdiagnosis.” I am anxiously awaiting the inevitable return of Princess Taylor, and another glorious breakdown whilst sitting in a rolling suitcase. #MemoriesByBravo
Yolanda straight up asks the women if Taylor and Lisa Rinna discussed her illness at the party. She says someone told her (a little birdie, maybe) that there was discussion about her not actually being sick. Yolanda is unbothered. She hasn’t seen Taylor in 3 years, so her opinion is irrelevant (it is)
Eileen is one glass of the driest-white-wine in and goes straight for it. She brings up all the gossiping that is going on about Yolanda behind her back. Eileen is feeling her moment and straight-up spills the beans & outs Lisa Rinna. Eileen speaks the TRUTH that Rinna is afraid because she knew it was going to get back to Yolanda eventually and not end well for her. Yolanda is confused, she thought it was mostly Taylor doing the gossiping and had no idea of any other discussion by Lisa Rinna. Kyle backs up Eileen about the conversation between the ladies and Lisa Rinna a few days earlier. They all tell Yolanda that Lisa Rinna wants to talk to her and set the record straight, because she loves her. #TrueLove #bffz4ever
Yolanda, rightfully so, makes a quick exit. Erika says anyone questioning Yolanda’s illness is not a true friend. She compares the situation to questioning someone having a broken leg.
We get a quick look back at Lisa V. & Hanky. The swan is back to his normal weight and doing much better. Lisa says the swans are like her children. If that’s wrong, she doesn’t want to be right. She says all the animals are filling a void for the grandchildren she is still waiting on.
It looks like Yolanda has been unlocked from her tower/condo and is back home with all three kids. Yolanda’s mom is also there and they all cook dinner together. No sign of David. Yolanda calls the four of them (her mother & 3 kids) the most important people in her life. Still no sign of David. We get some light bragging on the accomplishments of Gigi & Bella. They all discuss how “hard” modeling is. Gigi says you always have to “be nice, and like, look good.” Lord have mercy on all our souls.
Yolanda takes a walk with her mother through her lemon orchard. Literally who even has a lemon orchard? Yolanda wonders how just looking at a lemon can make you happy. She has no idea (neither the hell do I) but it does, apparently. Gigi asks Anwar if he knows how to butter bread. I’m really hoping his answer was sarcastic, but he says no. Anwar says he wouldn’t even know where to start. Oh no he HADIDN’T. The rapture truly is coming. Prepare Ye.
Yolanda talks with her mom about the upcoming surgery. They get emotional discussing it. Yolanda says she just wants to live to see her children grow. She wants to finally get out of her bed and live her life. She feels guilty she’s burdening her mom, but her mother is all she has to be close to and help her be okay right now. Still not a damn sign of David.
The family sits and has a meal together. She gives them all copies of her will. Yolanda says it’s nothing. Gigi retaliates that handing out copies of her will isn’t just ‘nothing.’ We get a talking head of Yolanda speaking about the death of her father. Yolanda went to school one day and came home and her father was gone. She has the same fears for herself. She reassures everyone nothing bad will happen, but doesn’t want to take the chance of any surprises. She wants her mom, brother & kids all taken care of.
That’s it y’all! FINALLY not a complete snoozer of an episode. Or maybe I’m just warming up to you guys. Let me know what you all thought of the episode/shower me with praise!
Issac Mizrahi makes an appearance!
Lisa is surprised when Erika calls her ‘Diva’ over the phone
HAMPTONS TRIP (my body is ready for Bethenny)
Yolanda goes into surgery
First talk of Kim being arrested after the Target shoplifting incident
Kyle says Kim is not of sound mind.