The title of this episode is “What Happened in Vegas” and, you know what? Nothing happened, which is pretty much what what needed to happen, since the guys all have pissed off partners at home. No one got pregnant, no one got married, not one chunky sweater was tossed to the ground. Some dirt got moved from pile one to pile two, but that’s pretty much it.
Seriously, though, we catch up with the Party Posse (Sandoval is Bart, Peter is Milhouse, Jax is Nelson, and Schwartz is, of course, Ralph Wiggum….and if you get that Simpsons reference I’m your new best friend. Yvan eht nioj!) the next day and we realize WHY we kept getting ass shots of them last episode – because the Toms got tattoos at 5 am. The Toms are both super hung over and ass hurt (literally) while Jax is peppy and awake (sniff sniff sniff) and Peter is…Peter. Schwartz’s tattoo says “Bubba,” his and Katie’s pet name for each other. Sandoval’s is a big flaming A. Because when you are a sexually ambiguous model, the best tattoo for you to get ON YOUR ASS is a FLAMING A. Jax smells trouble..wait…that was just the fact that the boys hadn’t showered and were driving straight home to get to work on time with their Vegas Stank still on them. Arriving a few minutes late for work and not “work ready,” the Toms show Pinky their asses. LVP says she doesn’t want to see them, but she lingers a bit too long before declaring in her sitdown that “every time they take stupidity to the next level.”
That evening the gang is all going to a comedy club for “The Diary Show,” where professionals, amateurs, audience members, and Ariana (who declares herself as “not a comedian, but an actress who’s funny who understands comedy” – like I, Xanadude, am not a smart ass with a laptop, I’m a “nuanced observer of the human condition who wryly observes and comments on life’s absurdities.” Girl, please.). Ariana’s journal is from her first week of college. Sandoval will be reading his song lyrics. I wish I was joking.
Later, Jax can’t even. (that’s exactly what’s in my notes, so, I’m going with that). As an aside, Kentucky seems like a perfectly sweet girl but she films better than she photographs. She’s also moving in with Jax next episode, so Jax has to get all his Jaxiness out before then. He and Kristen team up to get Kristen laid, because if anyone would know how to hook a hot looking guy with sex, it’s Jax. FunKristen is slowly working her way back into the group’s good graces – everyone is on board except Tom and Ariana. Someone makes the observation that it’s like their cheating on Tom and Ariana with Kristen, what with having to sneak around to hang with her and all. I think Scheana said that, which makes sense, because…Eddie.
Sandoval’s mother is coming to visit. I’m going to call her SandoMom for short, and she’s a badass former firefighter who raised the SandoBrood as a single mother. Ariana is seen hiding the bongs (debonging?) for her arrival (I used to do the same, but with pipes and porn). Seriously, SandoMOM rocks. At the apartment and later at SUR, we learn that Tom grew up in St. Louis (#coincidencebyBravo), that he won his third grade talent show over 25 girls, and that his new tattoo looks like bacon. LVP comments that “this woman, who is kind of heroic, gave birth to this young man who shaves his forehead and plucks his eyebrows.” SandoMom does not think highly of Kristen, for obvious reasons, and seems happy with Ariana. She actually seems happier than Ariana, who Jax says “hates everything,” including Tom’s tattoo, which she says ruined his perfect ass. Insert “ruining Tom’s ass” joke here. Go ahead. I’ll wait. In preparation for The Diary Show, they are going through old pictures and journals that SandoMom brought from St. Louis. Tom had Prince Valiant pageboy at age 22 and has song lyrics like “taking in your smell.” SandoMom and Ariana laugh and laugh at Tom. SandoMom finally says “let me see your stupid ass,” and when we see the bacon wrapped A, SandoMom and Ariana laugh and laugh again.
Kristen and Jax go out to find her a new mate. She looks fantastic, but ruins it by calling it her “freshly fucked look.” They agree that she needs to be single and slutty, and that Jax is the King of Single and Slutty. Jax has some rules for the potential victim: on one in their 20s (quoth the Sage Jax “They don’t know who they are in their 20s.”) and they have to have a job. Implication: Sugar Daddy.
Kristen, coming off on nine months of therapy and one week of James-free living, wants to talk to Ariana. Jax starts to try to talk her out of it and Kristen does that great pivot by mentioning James. James’s name is like a dog whistle of hate to the easily distracted (sniff sniff sniff) Jax, who goes off how much he hates – HATES – James. They drink. They talk to a few mens. The declare themselves the hottest ones in the bar. Kristen finally finds someone suitable and kisses him while Jax whoops and does Breakfast Club inspired dances behind her. Not lying. Watch it. It was magic.
The next day Lala and James are at SUR and talk about how they are not bothered – AT ALL! REALLY! – that they are being excluded. Lala calls James “Papi” and I throw up a little in my mouth. She then calls him “my love” before declaring that they are not dating and she’s only in this for fun. James issues an ultimatum: don’t flirt with Jax.
At some point I expect Jax and James to hatefuck, or maybe that’s where the enmity started – post coitus, because James’s feet weren’t stinky enough for Jax and Jax didn’t bite James at the proper climax point. But I digress.
We next come to my favorite character, the alley. Oh the things that alley has seen. Kristen shows up (freshly fucked for real) and Katie meets her to advise her to go and talk to Ariana. Kristen starts to tear up as she talks about making amends.
Kristen goes to the Gold Bar and asks Ariana for a drink. Ariana replies “I’m not comfortable serving you alcohol.” Kristen apologizes. Ariana’s not having it. Kristen apologizes more. Ariana brings up the times Kristen has wished her death. Kristen apologizes but starts to realize that it’s not going to happen and shifts into passive aggressive mode. Ariana just goes aggressive and starts insulting Kristen. Kristen has this little tuft of hair that’s out of place during this whole scene and you just want to reach through the screen and pat it down. Kristen leaves and Ariana seethes.
Schwartz models. Schwartz loves to model. We see his signature move, the Bunnyhop. Point a camera at that man and he’ll jump. Katie visits the set and starts comparing Tom and Ariana to Stassi, saying they are isolating themselves from the group because they hate Kristen, when everyone else has moved on. (Incidentally it’s not a fair analogy, as Stassi isolated herself from the group because she 1) Thought she was better than they were and 2) Was afraid someone would spill the beans about her flicking the bean on camera.)
It’s finally showtime. Everyone wishes Tom and Ariana well while secretly hoping they fail. Jax doesn’t even keep it a secret. Beforehand, Sandoval mocks his lyrics, which is a good sign. Katie says she wasn’t that good at keeping a diary – she’s boring and it’s too much work. Ariana’s diary reveals that in her first week of college she thought all the girls were lesbians and was afraid of the wiccans in her dorm.
At that very moment, the curse of the TamaraTattles bloggers hit (or maybe it was Ariana’s lesbian wiccans?) and my TV lost the signal.
It came back on right as Tom was finishing up (how’d he do?) and someone was wiping the cheese off of Jax’s chin. Insert #whatsthestuffonjaxschin joke here. I’ll wait again. I’m patient.
After the show everyone decamped to Casa de Sandoval where the idea of a joint birthday part for Jax and Sandoval was discussed (you know the trip. Jax went shopping for his own birthday present and forgot to pay and ended up in jail). No one wants James there. Everyone except Tom and Ariana want Kristen to come. Tom and Ariana are horrified at this. Katie, sensing her moment to shine, calls them “Stassi” and when they get upset keeps robotically repeating, in Stepford Wife fashion, “Look at you now. Look at you now. Look at you now.”
Jax says that Tom and Ariana should just let it go and move on, because that’s what he’s done, conveniently forgetting that little thing he has going with James.
Next week: James and Jax fight. Everyone divides into pro-Kristen and anti-Kristen camps. A trip is planned. Schwartz gets performance anxiety.