BY: Xanadude
The title of this episode is “What Happened in Vegas” and, you know what? Nothing happened, which is pretty much what what needed to happen, since the guys all have pissed off partners at home. No one got pregnant, no one got married, not one chunky sweater was tossed to the ground. Some dirt got moved from pile one to pile two, but that’s pretty much it.
Seriously, though, we catch up with the Party Posse (Sandoval is Bart, Peter is Milhouse, Jax is Nelson, and Schwartz is, of course, Ralph Wiggum….and if you get that Simpsons reference I’m your new best friend. Yvan eht nioj!) the next day and we realize WHY we kept getting ass shots of them last episode – because the Toms got tattoos at 5 am. The Toms are both super hung over and ass hurt (literally) while Jax is peppy and awake (sniff sniff sniff) and Peter is…Peter. Schwartz’s tattoo says “Bubba,” his and Katie’s pet name for each other. Sandoval’s is a big flaming A. Because when you are a sexually ambiguous model, the best tattoo for you to get ON YOUR ASS is a FLAMING A. Jax smells trouble..wait…that was just the fact that the boys hadn’t showered and were driving straight home to get to work on time with their Vegas Stank still on them. Arriving a few minutes late for work and not “work ready,” the Toms show Pinky their asses. LVP says she doesn’t want to see them, but she lingers a bit too long before declaring in her sitdown that “every time they take stupidity to the next level.”
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That evening the gang is all going to a comedy club for “The Diary Show,” where professionals, amateurs, audience members, and Ariana (who declares herself as “not a comedian, but an actress who’s funny who understands comedy” – like I, Xanadude, am not a smart ass with a laptop, I’m a “nuanced observer of the human condition who wryly observes and comments on life’s absurdities.” Girl, please.). Ariana’s journal is from her first week of college. Sandoval will be reading his song lyrics. I wish I was joking.
Later, Jax can’t even. (that’s exactly what’s in my notes, so, I’m going with that). As an aside, Kentucky seems like a perfectly sweet girl but she films better than she photographs. She’s also moving in with Jax next episode, so Jax has to get all his Jaxiness out before then. He and Kristen team up to get Kristen laid, because if anyone would know how to hook a hot looking guy with sex, it’s Jax. FunKristen is slowly working her way back into the group’s good graces – everyone is on board except Tom and Ariana. Someone makes the observation that it’s like their cheating on Tom and Ariana with Kristen, what with having to sneak around to hang with her and all. I think Scheana said that, which makes sense, because…Eddie.
Sandoval’s mother is coming to visit. I’m going to call her SandoMom for short, and she’s a badass former firefighter who raised the SandoBrood as a single mother. Ariana is seen hiding the bongs (debonging?) for her arrival (I used to do the same, but with pipes and porn). Seriously, SandoMOM rocks. At the apartment and later at SUR, we learn that Tom grew up in St. Louis (#coincidencebyBravo), that he won his third grade talent show over 25 girls, and that his new tattoo looks like bacon. LVP comments that “this woman, who is kind of heroic, gave birth to this young man who shaves his forehead and plucks his eyebrows.” SandoMom does not think highly of Kristen, for obvious reasons, and seems happy with Ariana. She actually seems happier than Ariana, who Jax says “hates everything,” including Tom’s tattoo, which she says ruined his perfect ass. Insert “ruining Tom’s ass” joke here. Go ahead. I’ll wait. In preparation for The Diary Show, they are going through old pictures and journals that SandoMom brought from St. Louis. Tom had Prince Valiant pageboy at age 22 and has song lyrics like “taking in your smell.” SandoMom and Ariana laugh and laugh at Tom. SandoMom finally says “let me see your stupid ass,” and when we see the bacon wrapped A, SandoMom and Ariana laugh and laugh again.
Kristen and Jax go out to find her a new mate. She looks fantastic, but ruins it by calling it her “freshly fucked look.” They agree that she needs to be single and slutty, and that Jax is the King of Single and Slutty. Jax has some rules for the potential victim: on one in their 20s (quoth the Sage Jax “They don’t know who they are in their 20s.”) and they have to have a job. Implication: Sugar Daddy.
Kristen, coming off on nine months of therapy and one week of James-free living, wants to talk to Ariana. Jax starts to try to talk her out of it and Kristen does that great pivot by mentioning James. James’s name is like a dog whistle of hate to the easily distracted (sniff sniff sniff) Jax, who goes off how much he hates – HATES – James. They drink. They talk to a few mens. The declare themselves the hottest ones in the bar. Kristen finally finds someone suitable and kisses him while Jax whoops and does Breakfast Club inspired dances behind her. Not lying. Watch it. It was magic.
The next day Lala and James are at SUR and talk about how they are not bothered – AT ALL! REALLY! – that they are being excluded. Lala calls James “Papi” and I throw up a little in my mouth. She then calls him “my love” before declaring that they are not dating and she’s only in this for fun. James issues an ultimatum: don’t flirt with Jax.
At some point I expect Jax and James to hatefuck, or maybe that’s where the enmity started – post coitus, because James’s feet weren’t stinky enough for Jax and Jax didn’t bite James at the proper climax point. But I digress.
We next come to my favorite character, the alley. Oh the things that alley has seen. Kristen shows up (freshly fucked for real) and Katie meets her to advise her to go and talk to Ariana. Kristen starts to tear up as she talks about making amends.
Kristen goes to the Gold Bar and asks Ariana for a drink. Ariana replies “I’m not comfortable serving you alcohol.” Kristen apologizes. Ariana’s not having it. Kristen apologizes more. Ariana brings up the times Kristen has wished her death. Kristen apologizes but starts to realize that it’s not going to happen and shifts into passive aggressive mode. Ariana just goes aggressive and starts insulting Kristen. Kristen has this little tuft of hair that’s out of place during this whole scene and you just want to reach through the screen and pat it down. Kristen leaves and Ariana seethes.
Schwartz models. Schwartz loves to model. We see his signature move, the Bunnyhop. Point a camera at that man and he’ll jump. Katie visits the set and starts comparing Tom and Ariana to Stassi, saying they are isolating themselves from the group because they hate Kristen, when everyone else has moved on. (Incidentally it’s not a fair analogy, as Stassi isolated herself from the group because she 1) Thought she was better than they were and 2) Was afraid someone would spill the beans about her flicking the bean on camera.)
It’s finally showtime. Everyone wishes Tom and Ariana well while secretly hoping they fail. Jax doesn’t even keep it a secret. Beforehand, Sandoval mocks his lyrics, which is a good sign. Katie says she wasn’t that good at keeping a diary – she’s boring and it’s too much work. Ariana’s diary reveals that in her first week of college she thought all the girls were lesbians and was afraid of the wiccans in her dorm.
At that very moment, the curse of the TamaraTattles bloggers hit (or maybe it was Ariana’s lesbian wiccans?) and my TV lost the signal.
It came back on right as Tom was finishing up (how’d he do?) and someone was wiping the cheese off of Jax’s chin. Insert #whatsthestuffonjaxschin joke here. I’ll wait again. I’m patient.
After the show everyone decamped to Casa de Sandoval where the idea of a joint birthday part for Jax and Sandoval was discussed (you know the trip. Jax went shopping for his own birthday present and forgot to pay and ended up in jail). No one wants James there. Everyone except Tom and Ariana want Kristen to come. Tom and Ariana are horrified at this. Katie, sensing her moment to shine, calls them “Stassi” and when they get upset keeps robotically repeating, in Stepford Wife fashion, “Look at you now. Look at you now. Look at you now.”
Jax says that Tom and Ariana should just let it go and move on, because that’s what he’s done, conveniently forgetting that little thing he has going with James.
Next week: James and Jax fight. Everyone divides into pro-Kristen and anti-Kristen camps. A trip is planned. Schwartz gets performance anxiety.
All Xanadude wants for Christmas is some damn Twitter followers. Is that so much to ask? Click here.
This was hilarious. I am pretty sure the tv show is no where as entertaining as your writing.
“2) Was afraid someone would spill the beans about her flicking the bean on camera.)”
LOL! Also loved the bit about the DVR skipping. Awesome job!
I was rather proud of that one myself.
Could someone please explain that one to me. I didn’t get it when I read it, and I still don’t get it.
She taped herself masturbating.
Lol. Wow! Ok. Thanks Anastasia!
WonkyTonk…. I had to google it…apparently not as ‘hip’ as I thought Lol
Thanks, Xanadude. Great recap.
Your dvr died at the perfect moment. Sandoval did some rapping. It was embarrassing. They both thought they were awesome and really funny!
How could SandoMom spawn one of the Toms?? Well, at least it wasn’t Schwartz.
Arianna was a bitch to Kristen.
I am warming up to therapy Kristen, though I still miss the crazy. I hope T and A are voted down and Kristen gets to go to Hawaii.
Thank you so so much, I was laughing through the entire episode through your eyes. Thanks!
Thanks for the recap, Xanadude – you’re hilarious!
Is everyone’s feet cold? Let me tell you why, hell has frozen over! I am now-pro Kristen. She handled herself so well with the apology. Does Ariana truly think she is better than everyone else? Yes, Kristen wished death upon her and lots more. In the past Kristen irked me. Maybe because I saw so much of myself in her. Scary, I know. She had the balls to say things that I would have just thought. When a male would hurt me, I would x them out of my life and act as if they never existed. I still do this:(
Kristen rocked this episode.
WtG Xan! Great recap!
T
I’m really don’t like Ariana. Last night’s scenes of her reminded me why. Yes Ariana, we know that you are the smartest person that you know. And I’m sure you are also the most talented actress you know as well. And we know you CHOSE to be on VPRules verses doing all the movie offers that you have.
Sandoval needs a strong woman over him so he can continue to be a child. When is he going to come out?
I want more Kristin. Where is Stassi? Can she and Kristin magically show up on this trip?
James and La la story line . . . snooze!
I would follow you on twitter, but I refuse to enter the twittersphere. ?
Adriana seems unhappy this season, maybe she realizes she really didn’t win the prize? Kristin realizes her loss was good! Adriana is not a nice person. Men don’t fall in love with women who don’t have pretty hearts.
Seriously, Katie, if the only words you have to say for a scene are “Look at you now. Look at you now. Look at you now.” you’d think to at least put the emphasis on a different word each time. Didn’t they teach you that in acting class?
I love how nothing fazes my sweet little Schwartz.
Even if everybody is arguing and yelling around him, nothing is going to stop him from shoveling noodles into his hipster little mouth.
He never missed a beat eating while Tom and Adriana’s faux world exploded over the mere thought of Kristen joining them.
And poor little Tommy Sandoval. He gets upset the same way my little 9 year old niece did when she couldn’t go to the Justin Beiber concert.
Great recap!
I’m beginning to wonder if he’s on anti-anxiety meds….ever since his freak out at the bar, nothing really seems to bother him
Enjoyable recap, Xanadude, thank you. I’m ready for the amazing Ariana to take an acting job that’s worthy of her/get the crap off my TV. She’s apparently supposed to be annoying chick this season. I preferred chill chick. I like glimpses of krazy kristen.
I have always love me so Krazy Kristen but she was sooo good tonight. Poor Ariana came off so nasty and bitter while our true Queen Kristen floated away on her air of delusion and alcohol. Can’t wait for that Miami trip. Should be a doozy.
And is it me or is Tom Sandoval looking really old and haggard this season?
Very entertaining recap! Loved it, and thank you for mentioning that little tuft of hair that was sticking straight up on Kristen’s head. I was so mesmerized by it that I really couldn’t pay too much attention to what was being said…and that is probably a good thing.
Great recap! I still hate Kristen and honestly don’t blame Tom and Ariana for not wanting her to go on the trip. There are lots of times and situations where people you hate end up being around (like the evil bitch mother of my man’s kids)… sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
I’m actually enjoying this season a lot. It’s not such a trainwreck and more of a day-to-day look at their lives. Don’t ruin it with crazy Kristen or bitch Stassi.
I agree! When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. I applaud Kristen’s effort to be more sane (through therapy) but I totally understand Ariana not having a second of it. Sometimes people act crazy and vicious enough that you don’t give a shit about their apology or amends, you just want that toxic person to stay the hell away from you- which is exactly what Ariana told her to do.
She’s entitled to that. I have been around some people who are so repeatedly manipulative and insane that you cannot even take an apology and move on, they’re always up to something and you can’t take anything they say for face value. Maybe Kristen is, or she isn’t, but I understand Ariana not wanting to roll the dice on that one.
And not for nothing, but as a woman of Ariana’s age who also lost her father suddenly (only my father was much younger than hers when he passed) I would be fking livid if my boyfriend went on that trip when I said I needed him home. If my birthday was a difficult time for me regarding my recently deceased father, there would be no way my bf would be heading off to some boy’s trip while I cried asking him to stay and help me through it. Shady as hell, Tom.
Schwartz he’s a bit of a weasel but I have to confess an underlying deep seated lust for the man. Which is odd considering I don’t go for skinny dudes in general, but he has a fun loving way of looking at the world that I find endearing. That said he’s a weasel for sucking up those noodles as a way to avoid the confrontation between Sandoval and Katie. He left her on her own to handle Sandoval’s unreasonable aggression. Seriously not cool. Katie would be better off just using him for sex and forgetting about him as potential husband. Katie really needs to cut off the relationship to anything but sex with Schwartz, because seriously he’s so noncommittal that’s pretty much all he’s good for for her. Bubba for a tattoo, really? Come On! Sandoval’s Kristin hating is understandable I mean didn’t she intimate he had a micro penis? Yeah, that’s bound to engender some hostile feelings among men of a certain age. Still it’s not pretty to watch especially when it’s directed at women like he did at Katie. Let’s talk tattoos. Ariana hated Sandoval’s tattoo and frankly were I Sandoval’s lover and he opted for a non-committal A instead of the full on Ariana I wold have been miffed as well, but she should have been honest about it and told him he was a douche for trying to pass that A off as committment. Ariana has been a b̶i̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶ full on raging bitch this season and part of that seems to be she’s starting to realize Sandoval is all about Sandoval, which puts her in the background. Regardless I’m not feeling the way she’s handling herself this season. I would rather they stopped showing her then sit through her I’m the bestest person in the whole wide world angst. What really set me off about Ariana is the scene in last week’s episode when Katie was trying to comfort her and she kept cutting Katie off. I found that scene extremely telling of the negative traits of her personality.
The recap was SO much more entertaining than the show, which I watched afterwards and kept fast-forwarding. When is Stassi going to show up?? I hope she brings the snark that we badly need ever since Kristen ruined herself with therapy. Does that wear off if you stop going? One can hope …
Maybe Stassi’s on the east coast since she likes to party in Beantown.
Great recap! Really enjoyed it 🙂
I have to say though, I’m really starting to dislike Ariana. She gets increasingly smug pretentious and self-righteous with each episode and she’s not special enough to get away with it IMO.
I suspect spending so much time around sociopathic morons (Jax), delusional attention whores (Scheana) and run of the mill idiots (her boyfriend Sandoval) has inflated Ariana’s ego and made her think she’s smarter and cooler than she really is.
All these shows need some balance in personalities to work. A show of only crazies like Jax and Kristen would grow as tiresome as a show full of relatively inoffensive but boring people like Katie and Schwartz. Ariana used to firmly be in the second camp. She seemed nice, laid-back and likable but not particularly exciting. Without Kristen’s antics Ariana comes across as insufferable IMO. Katie got it right: Ariana has evolved (de-evolved?) into the fake-sjw hipster version of Stassi complete with non-stop whining about her birthday.
Great recap! And I also vote for much better than the show!!
Did anyone catch when James made the comment to Lala that he hadn’t ‘sealed the deal’ with her? She then went on about making out with anyone when drinking tequila. I took that as she’s just been teasing him (guessing for the attention and screen time) and hasn’t let him have his way with her with his likely equally scrawny winky and adding her bite map to his back. Anyone else think that?
Really like Sandovals mom. I can see her and Jax’s mom Skype’ing each other with drinks watching the show going… Can you believe what our idiot (said with love) sons have done this time?!
I will never look at a bean the same way again.
Again, great recap.
I have no other comment about this show. I just can’t get interested in these idiots. I wonder how they will feel about their “performances” after 20 or 30 years have passed? IF they make it that far.
So that’s where they’re puttin’ them scarlet letters these days.
Funny!?
Ariana’s insult to Kristen was ““My friends are intelligent, funny, wonderful people, and I’ve never seen you be any of those things.” Pray tell, to which of the SURver monekys was she referring?
And: what my TV cut off was Tom doing a really bad reading and showing his ass, presenting primate style, and Lala flirting with Jax before James came over and said “Mine! Not for you!” while shoving his tongue down her throat, literally staking his claim with his tongue.
And Schwartz ate pad thai and pizza while Katie chanted “Look at you now” at a pissed off Tom and Ariana. The mantra of the damned. “Look at you now…look at you now…look at you now…”
Children of the corn.
Children of the bean. Lol.
LOL With all the farting in the van, maybe Children of the Chowder.
Favorite cast member, “the alley”, is totally on point and hilarious.
Sandoval shaves his forehead??
I didn’t get the bean comment either so thank you Anastasia for the explanation.
Ariana and Tom were awful at Diary night. That was beyond embarrassing.
Sorry, Xanadude, I don’t have Twitter.
Bwahahahaha! Hilarious recap, Xanadude! I haven’t watched this episode yet but I have a feeling this recap is better than the actual thing. Thanks, and I look forward to your next great recap.
Probably more accurate to say “flicking the cucumber”, but I got your meaning.
Great recap!!!
Ariana is the most annoying, stuck up chick on TV. She is nowhere near as wonderful as she thinks she is. She is so full of crap, and you’ve got to love the delusion of someone who thinks everyone should hate the girl whose boyfriend she was screwing behind her back.
Right? Ariana and Tom hid behind Kristen’s Krazy last season. She was right about them. Tom and Kristen both cheated on each other multiple times, I don’t believe for a minute that Tom held back and only kissed Ariana once in Vegas. Give me a break, if it was just a kiss then why didn’t you fess up? Their story was ludicrous, their rationalizations for lying were just more lies. How Ariana got him is how she’ll lose him.
Finally! Everyone is hating Ariana as much as I always have. Ariana come on the show and the first thing she said about Kristen was the clip above. I’m smarter than you, I’m prettier then you, get over it. Then, she proceeded to do her best to take her boyfriend and turn everyone against Kristen. Kristen has every right to hate Ariana imo. And her endless whining and clinging sa drives me nuts! Her comment to Katie about no one having an opinion about Kristen but ME! Uhg! Get over yourself . She may have taken Tom micro penis , but , try as she may, she can’t replace her on the show. Because Kristen is prettier than her, she’s damn sure more entertaining than her and we’d all rather watch Kristen than Ariana and her whining ass. Shwartz is a puss! Sandoval called Katie a mf’er and he did nothing. So disrespectful! I’m not feeling Tom or Ariana, they’re nothing without Kristen.
Typo: Ariana came on the show. Oops! I
I feel the same way. Ive never liked Ariana, her comments to Kristen before when she was still with Tom, were taunting and cruel, below the belt and demeaning to women in general. More sexist bullshit, women are only as good as their looks. I also felt it wasnt true, and that in some regards look wise Kristen was superiour, but thats not the point. Ariana seemed to like gaslighting Kristen , and then whining about about it making Kristen crazy. Gas lighting is soooo cruel and nasty. Im glad Kristen isnt letting it have any more power over her anymore. Living well is the best revenge.and you can see when someone is in a bad way, people just like to pile on. Glad Kristen has broken that cycle. Now its her time to shine with her new found wisdom from her therapy.
Merry Christmas, following you now!
Team Kristen. Ariana needs to f-0ff! and Sandoval came across as a douche canoe. Oh! and Jax and Kristen look very attractive together!
I still haven’t fully figured out Twitter yet but I am following you now, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Great recap!
I tend to like Ariana, but have to question the judgment of anyone who willingly dates any of these ingrates.
I don’t understand the desire to fight over who gets to financially support Sandoval’s hair gel addiction for the rest of his life. I mean, isn’t the one who “loses” really the winner here?
Dear Peter—-
Please, I beg of you.
Do something with me. Anything.
Cut me, braid me, give me a side part. Something.
Slick me back with Brylcream, give me a Josh Flagg pompadour.
Wash me, fluff me, beat me like a dead horse and make me write bad checks.
But for the love of all that is holy—-do SOMETHING WITH ME.
Signed,
Your Hair
Hilarious, Maisey!! I totally agree about the hair — it’s simply awful.
Too funny and so true. If he put a hair net over that mess he could rock a Ruth Buzzi.