HELLO BEVERLY HILLS! It’s time for my ladies from up the street and around the corner! Was it me or did this episode drag on for hours? I may be in the minority, but I’d like to see less filler & more wine throwing #JusticeForBrandi
We open with Miniature-Horse-Gate round 2. Lisa V. has a friend, Hank, who brings not one ,but TWO mini-horses in the trunk of a damn oversized SUV. Basically the equivalent of two barn animals rolling up to your house in an Uber car. Apparently, they were “calmer on the plane in a pair” – I’m currently picturing two mini-horses living the good life, sipping champagne on a private jet. Lisa V. is completely over the moon. Seems much more like a present she is receiving, rather than giving someone. Who the hell is taking care of these horses? Where are these horses living? Somebody Google ‘can mini-horses sleep in bed with you’ and get back to me.
The two mini-horses walk right over the bridge into the house and start to explore the living room. In her talking head, Lisa explains the horses have the right to be in the house just as much as any person does! Oh, Lisa. #LisasArc
Over at Erika’s house, the cameras catch her in a completely candid moment! (not) She’s rocking the ‘I’m just hanging out at home casually in a bathrobe’ look. Bathrobe, full face of makeup, perfectly blown-out hair. I totally look like that too in the morning. We follow her to a fitting at MarcoMarco (begin Ru Paul’s Drag Race/Real Housewives crossover fantasy) where she is trying on different looks for her upcoming performances. She looks great, for a housewife in a catsuit. She’s naked by her second episode, saying things like “eat a dick!” & “the red outfit is more SNATCHY, more CUNTY!”
#1. How much Drag Race do you actually watch, boo?
#2. This is giving me Brandi G. flashbacks and I’m loving every second. I’d do anything to see these two together. (Again, I’m probably in the minority. I can be ok with that.)
Eileen meets Vince for lunch. I would use this as an opportunity to do literally anything else for a couple of minutes, but I think this is one of the fight scenes from the season 6 trailer. Eileen asks the (extremely peppy – she knows this is her moment!!!) waitress for the ‘driest white wine’ How fitting. #confirmedshade
She apologizes for being bitchy on the phone with Vince earlier that day, and he quickly shuts her down & (very) sternly tells Eileen NOT to ever attack him early in the morning. Vince wants to not talk about anything at all until after 9am, and eventually compromises with “nothing controversial” until 9am. I’m not sure if I’m appalled at this idea, or feeling like it could be the key to a happy marriage. BRB going to consult “I suck at relationships (so you don’t have to)” – PS: @bethenny, I bought your book like a freakin year ago. I’m still eating doritos and chocolates in bed alone. #refund
We’re back to Lisa Rinna continuing on her quest to turn her two daughters into the next Gigi & Bella Hadid. Oh great, they’re taking the 34th family vacation of the year. This time to Canada. Lisa says her daughters are “not too spoiled” but “a little spoiled”
Well alright then.
Now it’s time for Kyle taking her daughters for ear piercings! I’m literally on the edge of my seat!!! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for all season!!!!!!! But really, see my comment above about FILLER! The only time I care to see a scene about ear piercing is never at all.
Do people really go to jewelers to get piercings? Like, right out in front of the diamond engagement rings? Seems like a mood killer, if you ask me. Whatever happened to Claire’s or a good ol’ booth at the mall?
We’re flip-flopping between Kyle’s daughters screaming, and Lisa R & her daughters at lunch. Wake me up when it’s over, please. Until a baby-housewives show is created…starring Portia & Milania, I’m good.
We finally get to see Lisa V. surprise Ken with those damn mini-horses for his birthday. The look on his face reads uncomfortable, surprised confusion. This is cute but why is nobody throwing wine??
Cut to Yolanda…at home! Not the condo/rental/hotel/future divorcee pad – her real home-home. The one with the refrigerator. Y’all know the one. Yolanda literally says out loud how nice it is not to be “locked up in the condo” #FixItJesus
Erika and her daddy/husband come over to visit Yolanda at her house in Malibu. David, Yolanda, Erika & Daddy all sit and share a bottle of wine. David is in charge of a special event coming up, and invites Miss Erika Jayne herself to perform for the Pope. In her talking head, Erika quickly snaps – “Madonna didn’t perform for the Pope! You think Erika Jayne is going to?” Ladies & Gentlemen, finally, a Real Housewife with some sense! (kind of)
Now we’re onto Kyle taking Portia to her acting lessons, readying her for the inevitable takeover. #QueenP
Kyle takes Portia to a one-on-one acting/improv class. Portia won’t take the class as seriously as Kyle would like, probably because her mother (Kyle) is sitting in the same room watching over the entire thing. If my parents had ever sat in on a math test of mine, I’d crash and burn too. Technically, I crashed & burned on all my math tests – with or without parental supervision, so maybe that’s not the best example.
Oops. Looks like Yolanda has been ‘locked’ in her condo again. She does some super awkward talking about her marriage – David and Yolanda are taking a trip to “reconnect their souls and love.” Awkward. Yolanda says she would eat only bark for three months with no food or water if she thought it would help her get better. I’m pretty confident a person would absolutely be dead within a few days if they chose this route – but I’ll get back to you.
Lisa Rinna admits she’s not that smart. Lisa Rinna can’t answer her own cell phone. Lisa Rinna probably isn’t that smart. (but she’s pretty! ..see what I did there???) Unfortunately, Lisa R. couldn’t make the 87th family vacation of the year. She has to stay in Beverly Hills to work on her QVC line. You know why? Cause she’s a hustler. She hustles. #DoTheHustle
We get some almost high-def quality “home video” of Yolanda and David on vacation, on a yacht. I’m almost screaming out loud that anyone would actually think this is a real home video. This scene is almost too awkward too watch.
Now it’s time for the bitching session between Lisa V, Kyle & Lisa R. They’ve come over to “see the mini-horses” aka discuss Yolanda’s health. We start out with a quick conversation about Kim. Lisa V is upset Kim is doing press (lol @ ‘doing press’) and calling her phony and unsupportive. They show a truly epic clip of Kim in ‘Sharknado 3’. She gets hit by a flying shark and legit explodes. BRB I’m sprinting to the closest video rental store (RIP Blockbuster) and snatching the first copy I see for my flight to ATL tomorrow. Lisa Rinna chimes in that maybe Kim is embarrassed she was in ‘Sharknado 3’ and that’s why she’s been so troubled. (refer back to Lisa R. calling herself stupid earlier in the episode)
Lisa Rinna brings up the topic of Yolanda’s Instagram account. Because, duh, Instagram is always the clearest picture (zing!) of anyones personal life. Lisa R doesn’t understand why she has so many conflicting Instagram posts. One day Yolanda posts a photo with IVs in her arm, in the next photo she’s having a blast on a yacht. I’m feeling like Lisa Rinna should go pick up the most recent shipment of her lifetime supply of adult diapers and stop talking. Rinna says she feels “guilty and weird.” She should. Kyle adds in her talking head – “now would be the time to keep those big lips closed.” Amen, sister!
Lisa Rinna continues, and brings up information about Munchausen Syndrome on her phone. She reads a general wikipedia-esque description of the disease to the ladies. She reads it as “factitious disorder” and believes Yolanda could be making herself sick/creating a false disease in her mind.
Eileen shows up in the middle of this and the subject changes. Eileen can pick up on the fact she’s walked into the middle of a serious conversation and wants a quick rundown. Lisa Rinna dives right back in on her theories and her conflicted thoughts on Yolandas Instagram account. Rinna is clearly paranoid. She ran her mouth (lips) to someone off camera in a separate, previous conversation about Yolanda. Seems like she’s covering her bases with the other ladies for if/when word gets back to Yolanda.
Eileen encourages Rinna to talk to Yolanda about it, Lisa V. encourages her not to bring it up – she thinks it’s engaging in Gossip. Kyle keeps her mouth shut through the whole thing. Smooth move, Kyle.
Finally, we get to see them play with the mini-horses around Lisa’s backyard. Damn Lisa has a nice backyard. Rinna calls the original mini-horses they flew to see, “Little potbelly donkeys with dodgy legs from Ohio.”
With that, Lisa Rinna has reeled me back in, and I’m OUT. See y’all Sunday for #RHOA! <3 <3
Lisa V transports one of her swans in the backseat of her car.
Lisa R gets her hoo-ha waxed.
Lisa V meets Erika, compares her to Barbie.
Eileen brings up all the rumors to Yolanda.
Yolanda preps her will with her family.