Like a between course sorbet, this episode really was nothing more than a palate cleanser after the spit flecked main course of last week. The unpleasantness of James and Jax fighting is quickly dismissed after a hiss from Pinky, who turns her attentions back to the more civilized guests at the table. The teens are all gracious and could give the staff etiquette lessons, because the tables are not even cleaned before the afterfight begins.
Ariana is upset because the boys are taking off for Vegas the day after her birthday party and quickly gathers the rest of the ladies together to form a Chi-Raq style rebellion. The ladies agree that allowing the men to go would be a bad idea, especially given past histories (Tom cheating, Tom cheating, Jax impregnating a whore, Tom cheating, chunky sweaters getting tossed on the ground, Miami Girl, etc.) The boys ask Pinky for time off. They mention they invited Shay. Cue obligatory “Lisa VanderPump is aghast (said with British accented “a”) at the poor poor decision her SURvants are making” moment. She grants them the time off but warns them not to take Shay. James is not invited. Neither James nor Lala are invited to Ariana’s birthday party either – they say they aren’t bothered, but they are. They make plans to “hang out” together, and by that, Lala means that James is going to take her to the Sizzler and pay for all 17 of her drinks and all the potato fixins she can handle.
Peter’s Birthday trip to Vegas (for which the boys leave the morning after Ariana’s birthday party) involves playing with construction equipment (again, this actually sounds fun), but Schwartz’s argument to Katie is that “It’s not a boys trip to Vegas. It’s a celebration of Peter’s life that just happens to be in Vegas. With bulldozers.” Katie, who was not a paste eater, calls bullshit and her resolve to not allow this happen tightens.
Ariana is turning 30 and is having “THE MOST EPIC ADULT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER!” To prepare, she and Tom put together gift bags. Tom continually plays with his leopard print slap bracelet to help him remember his lines, which the writers through together after watching Z level direct to Cinemax romcoms. Ariana is steadfast in not wanting him to go, but doesn’t really articulate why.
Party Time! At a friend’s parents’ house (really), production has rented bungee trampolines, face painters, cotton candy machines, a bounce house, a dunk the Tom booth (really), and crates and crates of tequlia. (Bets are the tequila company paid for it all, since we kept seeing labels. Why don’t they just bite the bullet and ask Bethenney for SkinnyGirl products and go wild?) Even my grinchy little heart melted a bit when Ariana walked out of the house as a pink unicorn princess fairy anime hybrid. It did look like they were having a blast.
And then the tequila hit and the moods, they start a’swinging…
Scheana makes it all about her. We see Shay taking shots. (again, I ask, when did the vernacular change from “doing shots” to “taking shots?”) Schwartz and Katie decide “before they get really drunk” to talk about the Vegas trip. Tom’s argument boils down to “if I go this one more time I will never ask for anything ever again, not even a pony!”
Ariana confesses that turning 30 is hard because her father (who died two years previously) would have been so happy for and proud of her. The more tequila she has, the more she becomes a Human Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup, getting her Daddy Issues mixed in with her Boyfriend Issues. Sandoval tells Princess Sparkle Ariana “Baby, I’m not going ANYWHERE…I’ll always be here by you (cue a hopefully longing gaze from Ariana)…but I really wanna play with the bulldozers.”
Ariana bares her soul and Sandoval bulldozes over it. We see a flash of genuine horror in the realization that her chosen mate is choosing construction equipment over her. Interestingly enough, the words “fuck” and “shit” are bleeped throughout this conversation, but the word “pussy” is not.
The boys decide to go to Vegas. The girls are planning to console Ariana with a slumber party. No mention is made of Shay either way.
Faith, the token black SURver, joins the ladies for a post Birthday Party/work meeting. LVP is aghast (AGHAST!) that Lala was not invited. Ariana compounds the issue by reaching across Lala to show Pinky photos of the party. Lala doesn’t like being left out. LVP tells the girls that if the boys are being naughty, they should be too. This scene is preceded by a shot of the boys in the car on the way to Vegas (Jax, Peter, Tom and Tom) as they try to find their testicles whilst farting. Incidentally, like the word “moist,” I hate the word “fart.”
The boys arrive in Vegas – their comped advertorial trip involves going to a place that literally allows you to use bulldozers, cranes, and other heavy machinery to destroy and/or move things. I’d go if someone was paying for it, for sure. Before being allowed on the machines, the boys have to take a breathalyzer, a process to which Jax is overly familiar, although he is not used to passing them. They feel manly. They destroy things. They want to eat steak and drink beer. They devolved into grunting. At some point they are all drunk and start shoving their asses in each others faces. Schwartz is the only one who seems uncomfortable with this. Jax and Sandozal are naked for a good portion of this segment, and we again see Jax’s ass aka his Miami Money Maker. Tom drunkenly calls Ariana for some scripted nonsense. We can tell its scripted because Tom is not really a very good actor (remember his turn at Shakespeare on WWHL?).
Shay is quietly never mentioned again until later in the episode, except for the men to derisively say that they hope to never get to the point where their wimmins speak for them. Grunt grunt grunt.
James and Lala aren’t bothered at all – AT ALL! – that they were not invited to the parties, and James is delusional enough to think everyone likes him and that its Jax that is keeping him from the sweet sweet bro-ness that is occurring now.
At the Vagina Slumber Party, gaysian SURver Jesse is there. We learn that Scheana prefers to receive oral sex rather than give it because it’s all about Scheana. Shay is there as well, but is relegated to being butler/doorman, and later, Amateur Lesbian Porn Photographer, as the girls decide to invite Lala after all and then make the boys jealous by making out with each other and sending the boys the videos. The boys pretend to be turned on and decide to reciprocate by sending quick kiss pictures back. The only one not game is Jax, because if Jax kisses another man, he gets paid.
The interstitial music for all of this is very porny.
The boys decide to call it a night and get some rest before their trip back (and work tomorrow), but Sandoval convinces them to go back to gamble some more with the rationalization that “Everyone reaches that point in Vegas where YOU ARE UP and you need to walk away.” Coke decisions, people. Coke decisions.
Next episode, which is actually on Sunday: Plot lines are moved forward, as James tries to make Jax jealous by claiming Lala as his prize, the Toms make bad decisions, and one of the girls has the temerity to suggest inviting Kristen (who was absent from this episode) to Tom’s get away birthday party.