Okay, I am just getting in a very long Vanderpump Rules recap by Xanadude up here and am running very late on a midnight deadline I’m going to have to make this a quick as possible.
We start with a montage of Tom Tom accidently offering to work for Pandora for free. Because, idiots. Since I wasn’t recapping I could actually look at the TV more. Was that the first time we have seen Sandoval with no makeup? He’s quite the freckle face.
Meanwhile we are on the third montage. The last two were about James. Is he Andrew’s latest twink crush? Is it just me or does James sees to really be playing up his accent tonight?
Oh look another montage. Jax and Kentucky. Dude, WE JUST WATCHED THE SHOW. Lala says that Jax is an idiot. Andy very seriously asked James to let him bite him after the show.
Clearly Lala and James are together. I think they are a good match. Unless they have to find their way home from the bus stop together or something.
Lots of callers seem very pro Kristen, which is reassuring some of my faith in humanity. James sticks to his story that Kristen cheated on him while modeling in Kansas, or Utah or Toledo. I’m going to actually give James that one. When someone with a history of cheating goes to El Paso to “model” then …. I mean. Come on.
Andy asks Lala what she thinks of all the sexist things that Jax says about her on camera. Lala’s brow furrows in deep contemplation. She cusses a lot which all gets bleeped and ends with “…it doesn’t make any sense…” She has no idea what Jax is implying. Because, Box of Hair. Then she rants saying “Anyway, I am like a sports car! Who doesn’t want a sports car?” Then Andy uses his dismissive voice “Okaay…” that I imagine him using when Phaedra tries to thrust her children in his path. I don’t think Andy likes kids any more than Phaedra does. At any rate, Andy just tries to move on. Lala randomly says “Okay.” I heard her name is Lala because that was the only word she could say until like age 17. Alledgedly. Because, not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
Do I need to mention that both guests appear to be full of ….spirits of some sort?
I think Lala is severely impaired. All the questions are too hard for her. The caller asked “Are you still friends with Kristen and do you like her?” She responded with facial tics and grunting and possibly a “naaaaah” in there somewhere. I’m starting to suspect lead paint on her crib.
James tells his George Michael childhood fabrications. According to a TT commenter with a lot of time on her hands whose name escapes me, James’ father is one of George Michael’s relations who sold false stories about him to the tabloids when James was around five years old. Allegedly. James says they spent every Christmas together until he was 11 and George’s dog was his best friend. He does admit that they no longer speak because his father and George had a falling out. He is in James’ prayers though. Because clearly he’s quite religious. He’s wearing a cross and everything!
James gets pissy about all of the questions about how disrespectful he is towards women. He says, “Okay, look! I am just going to make this brief! I can’t be respectful to someone who is not going to respect me back!”
We have the third long diatribe of profanity that has to be bleeped and Andrew is getting pissed. I’m not saying a single “fucking” slipped out. Both of them have had multiple sentences in a row bleeped. And Lala is completely incoherent yet trying to cut of James’ drinking.
People keep asking Lala if she trusts people like Kristen, Lauren, and James. She manages to get out that the only people she trusts are her mommy and daddy. I’m sure they are so proud of her.
Someone asked them to sing their “Feeling you up” song. Or whatever it is. And they do. It’s interesting that Lala turns into a black female singer and James is Vanilla Ice, but it almost worked. Andy was pleased and says they just redeemed themselves from their constant cursing. Lisa Vanderpump is going to sell James’ latest CD a SUR. He says SUR makes over $100k a year just selling hats at the restaurant. I’m pretty sure he was not supposed to share that info. Potential #Lawsuit1. Ken and Todd are “producing his album.” Well, THEY WERE.
Andy tells James that is a good marketing plan and James then says, “Yeah unlike Jax who……and we get 15 more seconds of James cursing followed by Andy being back to furious. Has he ever throw anyone off the show before? Because he is close.
The play a stupid game. It goes on for about 20 seconds and again they both start cussing constantly. The majority of this show will not make it to air. Andy will never have these two back on. He stops the game and goes to commercial to yell at them some more. There are only five minutes left. I expect them to be gone when we return, if not dead.
So, after the break, they are still there and Andy reads tweets from Jax and Kristen blasting them. So guess what happens next? Did you guess that James went on another swearing round? And then Lala implies that she has a secret about Jax and why she would never sleep with him. James blurt out that “It’s called herpes!” Andy has never been this disgusted ever. And soon we will have ANOTHER Beverly Hills lawsuit about genitalia accusations on WWHL! If you are counting at home that is Potential #Lawsuit2
My God. Can we just get through this? Andy gives Lala and James the jackhole. And it’s mercifully over! Just like their careers.