BY XANADUDE (Sorry I forgot the byline in haste to get it up tonight!)
Before beginning with the nonsense that is tonight’s VanderPump Rules, takes a minute and check out Covenant House, the charity featured on tonight’s show. No snark about this. I work with underprivileged and homeless kids and teens as well, so I take this very seriously. Please Check out the link to Covenant House!
LVP and Ken meet with Arielle, a representative for Covenant House and agree to sponsor a lunch/dinner for several of the teens. Lisa wants the teens to have a great experience and perhaps have it be a teachable moment for her overprivileged bratty staff.
Schwartz, prior to filming, let himself go, look-wise, and wisely got a shave and a haircut before going before the camera. We still don’t really know what he does for money, as he doesn’t seem to have a job (the last one we saw was when he was jumping – and being criticized for how he was doing it – at a modeling gig) and doesn’t seem to worry about it. As a matter of fact, both Toms mention several times in the episode that they are SO busy with birthday parties and stuff that he doesn’t have time or the desire to hold a steady job.
Its time for the Toms to TALK BIDNESS, as their meeting with Pandora and Jason in in a few days. Their business plan is to not have a business plan. Sandoval wants to be the one who does the talkin’, cuz Schwartz freezes up when more than two thoughts enter his head. They put forth the idea that they should be hired as spokesmodels (no one speaks of spokesmodels any more, and that saddens me), while Katie literally stares, mouth a’gaping at the stupidness before her. Pure conjecture, but I think a little part of her wants them to crash and burn, partly for the pure spectacle of it and also because she’s tired of this nonsense.
Jax couldn’t get it up for Lala. He said that “he could have destroyed her,” which brings me to Misogynistic Rant #1 of the Evening: what the fuck is up with men using that term to refer to having sex with a woman? Destroy her? Really? Stop it, het-men. Stop it now. Later in the episode, Ariana rails against the (and I quote here) “heteronormative fucking bullshit” of the male SURvers. This is example one in this episode alone.
Seriously. Stop it.
Jax’s skin tone also varies widely in this episode, from the pale white in this scene to a more tanned looked later. It could be bloat, it could chemical (ahem. sniff sniff sniff), it could be spray tan, but pale skinned vampire Jax is not a good look, especially with his jet black Ronald Reagain hair dye. He has also Botoxed his face, so it’s not moving or showing expressions.
James and Lala plan on going on a date. This is important.
The next scene is entirely devoted to James and his mother, Jacqueline Kennedy. This entire thing came be summed up by noting that James has mommy issues. His parents are divorcing -he blames his drinking and treatment of women on this. Nice deflect, but no one’s buying it. James-James (you know, the son of the OTHER Jacqueline Kennedy was John John, so…) tries not to swear in front of his mommy, but fails. James’s mother, by the way, is an American ex-model. I think we are supposed to feel something for James and the point of this was to add depth to his character, but you can’t add to something that doesn’t exist, and, by episode’s end, any good will he would have banked is depleted.
Jax and Kristen(!) go on an exposition filled boxing playdate to talk about their love lives. Kristen is dating Aleks (bam bam bam on the punching bag), Jax doesn’t want to pay for his girlfriend to move out to California (bam bam bam) nor does he want her moving in (bam bam bam). Kristen has used that modeling in Detroit money to pay for a maid to clean her apartment before James comes over to collect his things. (Wouldn’t it be fab if he came to pick up the cable box?)
LVP calls a staff meeting to tell them about the dinner for the Covenant House clients. In the spirit of giving, James makes it all about himself (he’s been studying the Master, Scheana), and says that he doesn’t want to tell his coworkers about his trouble – this is info he will only share with his close confidants, the VPR audience. LVP takes a moment to ask the Toms about their business proposal, that they must come equipped. To us, she says her expectations are low.
Katie and Scheana are rethinking their previous anti-Lala stance.
James tries to bond with Jax and Tom. This does not go well.
James goes to Kristen’s. This does not go well.
Submitted for your Emmy Approval – the epic James and Kristen scene: Kristen, in her nine months of therapy, has learned how to be stone faced in the face of crazy, subtly goading James into a frenzy while remaining outwardly calm. We see a glimpse of the Kristen we love. In Misogynistic Rant #2 of the evening, James goes full tilt crazy, calling her a slut, telling her she smells bad, and spitting on the door on the way out. Kristen runs to call Jax and report what happened. If nothing else good comes from this episode, the Jax/Kristen Alliance is worth the time and investment of watching this episode. You know that no good will come from this, yet you want to see it play out.
At Sangria Summit 2015, the Toms are presenting their idea to the VanderPump Clan. Schwartz, going against Sandoval’s wishes, speaks first and proving Plato’s adage that “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” They talk and talk — oh, how they talk! — using words they heard on some late night Kevin Trudeau infomercial. Jason is not happy and asks how they spent their past week. We know that they spent it coming up with excuses and reasons to fail, but the Toms actually think they are doing well and offer negotiate themselves into being Pandora’s unpaid bitches. Seriously. Pandora, in disbelief, asks if they are actually offering to work for her, for free, at her disposal, and they say “Of Course!” and THINK THEY DID WELL. Really. High fives from the Toms for their business acumen. The term “pro bono” was on their word of the day calendar, so they used it, but, having not actually read the definition, think they did well. I am not making this up. They aimed for being “brand ambassadors,” and that is what they walked away with – no money and more work.
At Jax’s apartment, in which he has a bicycle on the wall for every occasion (really), he and girlfriend discuss girlfriend moving in, even though Jax told everyone that this was not going to happen. Jax also says that Lala is aggressively pursuing him and they are going out on a “not a date,” telling us that “a little truth goes a long way.”
The Day of the Youth Dinner
LVP and Ken are offering up the full menu. Scheana says that they could have taken the easy way out and just offered ice water and three items, but LVP is SOOOOOOOOO generous. She stretches the word SO to about six or seven syllables. She also, as Scheana is want to do, makes it all about her, saying she relates to them because she has a husband at home that she forces to pee on command to prove his love.
The ladies are repulsed by James’s spitting on the door. They are also amused at the Toms negotiating skills, which, according the to the Toms, is on par with Henry Kissinger and the Camp David Accords.
Tom and Arianna clash over the color of the drinks being served. Ariana right thinks pink, and when LVP agrees with her over Tom, openly laughs in her fiance’s face.
Lisa and Ken are gracious to their guests, one of whom flirts with Lisa. The guests are appreciative and the SURvers last three whole course until they begin to make it all about themselves.
We start the drama with the fucking annual right of passage known as “Birthday.” I hate the big deal they make over their birthdays. Ariana is having an “I’m turning 30 so I want to play”Party (which sounds kind of fun), while Peter is taking the boys to Vegas the day after Ariana’s party. Ariannna is pissed. Cue Arianna’s “heteronormative fucking bullshit” line. If you’ll notice, I’ve varied the number of Ns in the spelling of Ariana’s name, because neither spellcheck nor I care about the actual spelling.
In the midst of this, Jax and James argue. Jax starts it, referring to the restaurant as “his” and being pissed about James the Younger encroaching on his territory. He uses defending Kristen as an excuse, though.
Misogynistic Rant #3 and by far the worst: James at first denies spitting, but in the same rant, says that “it’s her fault for winding me up and making me do that.” THIS is the same fucking argument that abusive people use – I may have hit you, I may have yelled at you, I may have raped you – BUT it’s YOUR fault for winding me up and making me do this. Fuck you, James. Fuck you.
LVP is mortified, telling the Js to stop. Both feebly try to defend themselves, both using the “but he started it” excuse.
Next week is the annual sighting of Jax’s bare ass. I believe that means we have five more weeks of snow. Because, sniff sniff sniff.