It’s time for the season premiere of Top Chef and I somehow got behind on time after waiting for it all day, so I am going to try to make this a quick one . Plus I tend to melt down a lot when I recap this show. Oh I just realized I can quote myself for the first few minutes of the show.
From my first look post:
Of the 17 that start out on the show, all but one claim to be “executive chefs” and more than half have been nominated for a James Beard Award. Actually, Bravo cruelly planned to film the first episode on the day of the awards. At least one chef is missing the show to be on Top Chef. She didn’t win. I just checked. The lone sous chef, Frances, is offered up very quickly as the underdog.
The first person to introduce themselves is a super sassy chef from Kansas City named Renee. We know she is “super sassy” because she introduces herself that way. She also tells us, the viewers, that she has the best life in the whole wide world and is super happy. I hate her. All the other contestants hate her, and Bravo will make sure you hate her too. She is going to get the bad edit.
Angelina is only 24 and is not exactly an executive chef but a Chef de Cuisine. She too is an underdog and will get the good edit as the youngest. Grayson from season nine (New Orleans) is back for a second shot. And there is a guy named Phillip who has already won on Chopped! Guy’s Kitchen Games and Cut Throat Kitchen. They really would not have told us that if they wanted us to like Phillip. We do not like Phillip.
Wesley is my homeboy “from” the ATL. He is a two time James Beard nominee and the new executive chef at The Spence, where Richard Blais was previously head chef. It’s not a southern type place at all. I don’t think he is southern either. But they hate people from Atlanta on this show almost as much as Tom Colicchio hates women.
The first quickfire on tonight’s Top Chef is a team challenge made up of the top nine from the first round in groups of three. They have to rotate through their dish with only one chef cooking while the other two are blind folded. They cannot communicate with their teammates. Renee, who we hate already demanded to go first for her team “because I was fastest with the prep work.” I do not want her stupid team to win. The other two teams are cooking. Renee used all her ten minutes to shop.
The guys on the red team are morons. Sadly Wesley is the third moron. The second guy put chicken in the oven but Wes has no idea anything is in the oven. They are doomed. To make things worse, Renee’s team won. I hate this stupid show.
The don’t put names up one the chefs’ talking heads enough. I love the guy who used to cook for Emeril. I think his name is Isaac. We like him. Are you writing this down? For the love of God, don’t try to form your own opinions. I can handle that for you.
The first challenge everyone has to make a dish for 200 food critics. Their average scores will decide the best and the worst dishes. The judges will make the final decisions on who wins and who packs their knives.
I’m trying to remember my feelings about Grayson. I kind of like Garrett and his metaculinary philosophizing. But it might grow old. He just seems like he’d be a good lay. Wesley, representing the ATL, is chopping up tomatoes with the fucking labels on. They are staring him right in the face. He has to see them. He puts them in the blender with the labels. I SWEAR THIS IS SOME FAKE SHIT! They do this to the ATL chef EVERY FUCKING SEASON! This guy is too bad not to be a damn plant. But does he HAVE to “be from” ATLANTA. I need a Xanax. And a drink. I can’t bear this. No executive chef with two James Beard nominations does this. I hope the James Beard people retract them for him agreeing to this. I am having palpitations of the heart. These are different from the ones I was having for Garrett.
Issac gets a bit choked up talking about all Chef Emeril did for him and all his employees during Katrina. I was all touched by that until they showed, a two time James Beard nominee trying to put multiple giant pots on a tiny range top.
Frances’ wife looks just like that sassy obnoxious one. They are roommates. It’s time for the whole “we all left great families and relationships behind” portion. Who cares? Let’s cook! And pray for a swift death before the challenge for Wesley. My head is throbbing. Oh Look! Wesley is going to cook with a big sign behind him with Georgia on it. Bless his heart.
I’m losing track of my hatred. Oh, it’s Phillip using shit upon dog grass in his recipe. I’ve broken out in a cold sweat. Some dude is talking about how he wants to cook with grasshoppers and agave worms. I need more Garrett the philosopher. Talk me down Garret. Preferably nekkid, in bed with some greasy porkchops. I am getting a bit irritated with Isaac. I am tired of hearing about his grandmother. Please stop. It’s not sexy.
Renee, the annoying one we don’t like, ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN? Says whatever she made is approachable food. Because she is an approachable person. All food is approachable food as long as it doesn’t approach you first, Renee. Leave the ridiculous use of pretention to Garret. Thanks.
Emeril says he is impressed with how organized everyone is. That is the editing set up for Wesley. I can see it now, dead possums and rotten peaches littered around his fucking booth. I hate this stupid show for stupids.
Tom and Padma are harshing Grayson’s meatballs. Bad. Padma says that it is something she good get in a pizza shop in Jersey. You know, if Padma had ever been to a pizza shop in Jersey.
Here we go. Wesley just tasted the food he was making for Padma and Tom and continued using the spoon. Dear God. I have shortness of breath and a tingling in my right arm. (or is it supposed to be my left. It might be my left). Fuck. They like his dish. I need Wesley to go home tonight.
Did we already see what Garret made? I’m losing vision. I can’t remember what I have seen and I’m now typing blind.
My favorite lesbian on the show, Frances did well. YAY! I hope she smothers her sassy roommate in the night. Dear lord, that one dude actually did do the grasshopper dish. The liked the dish seasoned with dog shit aromatics though and Padma is down with grasshopper. I can’t feel my feet. I think they are swelling up like balloons.
Fuck my life. Padma and Tom who have raved so far about LITERAL dog shit and ACTUAL Guatemalan grasshoppers are unhappy with Garret’s dish. He’s ONE STEP AWAY FROM WRITING HIS MANEFESTO Y’ALL! Why are you insisting on limiting what little time I have with him? GAWD! I’m having chest pains. Come, Garret. I shall clutch you to my ample bosom while we still have time.
I am pissed that all 200 people (mainly bloggers. I’d ask where my invitation was but um, you know) I just searched for eat a big sack of dicks to find that link. Sigh. Anyway. I am pissed that they know who cooked what. Like Oh! This is Grayson and ah this is the local LA guy, etc. Also the judges are in line with them giving their opinions. I hate this show. My ears are starting to ring.
But the scores are in nonetheless. The top scores are all male. Because vadgicide. And the bottom scores are all chicks except for Garret. But Garret got a lot of screen time. His only hope is Tom’s extreme hatred for female chefs. Please don’t send Garret home. I am sure he has lots more philosophies to share with us. And how long did Wesley agree to be the plant for? Because, I’ve been typing this entire blog blind for quite some time now. I’m not sure how many episodes I can take y’all fucking with Atlanta again.
The judges are bitching about the critics choices. The wanted THE GRASSHOPPERS and some other man in the top. They don’t seem to care who is in the bottom. Any female in a pinch is fine. Two of the girls have immunity, Kansas and Frances. That leaves Grayson in the bottom with Garret and the youngest chef, Angela. I hate this game. My neck is stiff.
Jeremy (who?) won with some raw fish.
Angelina, Garret and Grayson are up for judgment. Emeril stands up for Garret. Thank you Emeril. Oh I remember now. Grayson is the one who can’t keep her mouth shut during judging. She is taunting the chefs.
WELL FUCK! Goodbye Garret! These judges are retards who don’t understand philosophy. So you burnt your garlic. At the end of the day, at least you are not Grayson. I weep for what could have been.
I am dead now.
Next time: They will break into four groups and open four popups across the city. I can’t wait!