Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome to SUR! Outside it may be winter, but here it is hot! Life is beautiful. The servers are beautiful. Even the bussers are beautiful. One stage tonight, we cannot present Fraulein Sally Bowles, as she has been dead for over fifty years, but we DO have another delusional singer of moderate talent to entertain you, the wonderful Scheana Shay.
Scheana, in talking the Lisa VanderPump, says that what her drug addicted husband needs is just good diet and exercise. Lisa, still aghast over the mandatory piss testing that occurs at Chateau Shay, briefly considers the possibility that Scheana perhaps did NOT do her homework and watch last season’s RHOBH, tries to explain the concept of addiction to her. Scheana stops listening halfway through when she realizes the conversation isn’t about her, but her husband, and just smiles and nods, dreaming of the pop stardom she ever so briefly sampled yet didn’t quite achieve. Jax is surprisingly insightful, and yet decides to use this insight to stir the pot.
-James is shooting for Bill Clinton heights and argues with the camera over the definition of “is.” Apparently last night James and Lala made out, and James justifies it by saying that even though he and Kristen haven’t broken up in person, in his mind they broke up, so it was ok. Kristen shows up to SUR and pretends not to know Lala (they haven’t been officially introduced on screen yet, so…), who escorts her to the back alley. Let me interject and say that back alley set is really nice and they use it quite a bit – they definitely go their money’s worth on it. Peter allows James to take a break to do his contractually obligated break up scene. Federal law is that you get one fifteen minute break for every four hours of work, so, James has basically earned about a three minute break here, which is about all the time he needs to go to the back, make an ass of himself by threatening to withhold his seed from Kristen (who doesn’t want it), smoke a ciggy, and go back inside to press SKIP on his Ipad to go to his next DJ set. We did learn that Kristen went on an out of town modelling shoot, had fun, and didn’t call James back, which in his mind totally justified trying to fuck Lala. The use of he said/she said wipes in this scene were brilliant and may be my new favorite VPR edit trope, replacing my beloved blue tinted flashbacks. Lala outs the fact that she and James “made out” to Jax and crew inside. Jax smiles.
-James is the new Allison DuBois, drunken rants and cigarettes and all. He, of course, is not psychic. He thinks with his dick, which, I think is the opposite of psychic. James continues to rant. Kristen maintains and says she is working on herself. It shows. No snark. Last season she would have reached across the table and put out the cigarette on his face, but she maintained composure.
-Tired of a diet of Capri Sun, Scheana wants to learn to cook “and stuff,” so she asks Sandoval to come over to teach her to cook more healthy options for herself and Shay. This leads to the Scene of the Week, wherein we learn that Sandoval fancies himself Wolfgang Puck while in reality he is, well, not even Guy Fierri. Maybe Guy Fierri’s shirt, but, Tom…sweetie…don’t brag about knowing how to cook and then not be able to cook on camera. He says that in the past, he was the “on site catering service for high paying actresses.” and then – and I cannot stress this enough – he fails at making an omelet. Shay and Scheana gamely choke down the hideous concoction in a display of both politeness and friendship not seen on this show in quite a while. They are good friends. Tom is not a good cook.
-at SUR, Jax’s word of the day calendar has “fraternization” on it and he tries to use it (thataboy Jax. keep tryin’) but can’t wrap his mouth around it. LVP doesn’t correct him in person, but Oh, How She Laughs in her talking head about it.
-Everyone agreess that James is the new Jax, with LVP pointing out the Jax can’t stand the idea of a new puppy coming into his play area before he is finished with it. The James/Jax conflict is also given some “depth” with Jax saying he wants to fuck Lala, even though he has a girlfriend. Thus we have the set up: Jax vs James. Douche vs. Douche 2.0
-Kristen and friend meet at what they call a dive bar, but it isn’t really, it’s German themed restaurant with a bar and a one maybe drunk person at said bar. They discuss the breakup, with Kristen again display maturity and saying that what attracted to her initially about James was his confidence, but what is repelling her is that confidence becoming egotism. Again, everyone agrees James want to be Jax. and I suspect James only hooked up with Kristen to get on the show.
-Peter gained a girlfriend and is losing his ponytail. The Freudian overtones speak for themselves. Jax, Sandoval, and Peter convene at Peter’s hairdresser’s to talk, and Jax, visions of Thunderdome in his head inspired, no doubt, by the Tina Turner coiffure on Peter’s hairdresser, proposes that everyone meet out that night, Lala, James, and Kristen included. Sandoval opts out – Jax may be addicted to conflict but he and Ariana aren’t so he declines. Peter, the new obligatory grown up, also declines to put himself, the girlfriend, and his new ‘do in this.
-While the guys are doing this, the Pink Ladies are getting their nails done. Scheana accuses Lala of being the type of girl who goes after other people’s girlfriends. Scheana apparently accidentally picked up Stassi’s script from Season 1 up on her way to mobile nail wagon, and doesn’t see the irony at all in her accusing Lala of the exact same thing that Stassi accused her (Scheana) of. Katie DOES, however, but doesn’t mention it in person, only in her talking head. Scheana also thinks her vagina is magic and can cure addiction, saying that if Shay even takes ONE MORE PILL even IF HE IS IN PAIN (her emphasis, not mine), she is walking. It’s pills or marriage. Katie is aghast. You will notice lots of people are aghast at Scheana and her magic cooter this season.
-James and Lala go on a date. Lala says she’s used to steak but will try a string bean. As a carnivore, I say stick with the steak. It won’t call you a bitch later. Lala asks about Kristen. James chugs his beer and lies, more focussed on Lala’s lala than on his own dignity.
-After wine class with LVP, in which LVP is aghast at Scheana’s lack of knowledge on marriage, it’s Jax’s Thuderdome Time. Scheana ditches Shay to go to this. At first it is Jax and the Pink Ladies, until James and Lala show up. Ethnic Friends #1 boxes them in, forcing Lala to be in a douche sandwich as Kristen walks in. James starts in on Kristen. Lala tries to shut him down, saying he is being disrespectful. James baits Kristen. Jax and Kristen leave for the alley (another alley!) to James’s catcalls. Lala is disgusted with James.
-Lala goes to alley to introduce herself to Kristen. Jax leaves, leaving the two ladies to figure out that James has lied to them both. James paces, smoking, waiting just off stage for his entrance cue. He joins them, sitting between them. Lala and Kristen, sisters united in a cause, leave James, his dreams of a three way dissipating like so much cheap cigarette smoke, tries to find an ashtray for his now crumbled ego.
-James follows them inside, and knowing he has lost, goes immediately to calling Lala a “basic bitch.” Lala is offended at the “basic” part, the rest of the ladies are offended at everything, and we leave focussed on Jax. Jax smiles, his fantasy of becoming a comic book villain almost thoroughly complete now, lacking only a cackle and a pair of tights.