By: Xanadude
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome to SUR! Outside it may be winter, but here it is hot! Life is beautiful. The servers are beautiful. Even the bussers are beautiful. One stage tonight, we cannot present Fraulein Sally Bowles, as she has been dead for over fifty years, but we DO have another delusional singer of moderate talent to entertain you, the wonderful Scheana Shay.
Scheana, in talking the Lisa VanderPump, says that what her drug addicted husband needs is just good diet and exercise. Lisa, still aghast over the mandatory piss testing that occurs at Chateau Shay, briefly considers the possibility that Scheana perhaps did NOT do her homework and watch last season’s RHOBH, tries to explain the concept of addiction to her. Scheana stops listening halfway through when she realizes the conversation isn’t about her, but her husband, and just smiles and nods, dreaming of the pop stardom she ever so briefly sampled yet didn’t quite achieve. Jax is surprisingly insightful, and yet decides to use this insight to stir the pot.
-James is shooting for Bill Clinton heights and argues with the camera over the definition of “is.” Apparently last night James and Lala made out, and James justifies it by saying that even though he and Kristen haven’t broken up in person, in his mind they broke up, so it was ok. Kristen shows up to SUR and pretends not to know Lala (they haven’t been officially introduced on screen yet, so…), who escorts her to the back alley. Let me interject and say that back alley set is really nice and they use it quite a bit – they definitely go their money’s worth on it. Peter allows James to take a break to do his contractually obligated break up scene. Federal law is that you get one fifteen minute break for every four hours of work, so, James has basically earned about a three minute break here, which is about all the time he needs to go to the back, make an ass of himself by threatening to withhold his seed from Kristen (who doesn’t want it), smoke a ciggy, and go back inside to press SKIP on his Ipad to go to his next DJ set. We did learn that Kristen went on an out of town modelling shoot, had fun, and didn’t call James back, which in his mind totally justified trying to fuck Lala. The use of he said/she said wipes in this scene were brilliant and may be my new favorite VPR edit trope, replacing my beloved blue tinted flashbacks. Lala outs the fact that she and James “made out” to Jax and crew inside. Jax smiles.
-James is the new Allison DuBois, drunken rants and cigarettes and all. He, of course, is not psychic. He thinks with his dick, which, I think is the opposite of psychic. James continues to rant. Kristen maintains and says she is working on herself. It shows. No snark. Last season she would have reached across the table and put out the cigarette on his face, but she maintained composure.
-Tired of a diet of Capri Sun, Scheana wants to learn to cook “and stuff,” so she asks Sandoval to come over to teach her to cook more healthy options for herself and Shay. This leads to the Scene of the Week, wherein we learn that Sandoval fancies himself Wolfgang Puck while in reality he is, well, not even Guy Fierri. Maybe Guy Fierri’s shirt, but, Tom…sweetie…don’t brag about knowing how to cook and then not be able to cook on camera. He says that in the past, he was the “on site catering service for high paying actresses.” and then – and I cannot stress this enough – he fails at making an omelet. Shay and Scheana gamely choke down the hideous concoction in a display of both politeness and friendship not seen on this show in quite a while. They are good friends. Tom is not a good cook.
-at SUR, Jax’s word of the day calendar has “fraternization” on it and he tries to use it (thataboy Jax. keep tryin’) but can’t wrap his mouth around it. LVP doesn’t correct him in person, but Oh, How She Laughs in her talking head about it.
-Everyone agreess that James is the new Jax, with LVP pointing out the Jax can’t stand the idea of a new puppy coming into his play area before he is finished with it. The James/Jax conflict is also given some “depth” with Jax saying he wants to fuck Lala, even though he has a girlfriend. Thus we have the set up: Jax vs James. Douche vs. Douche 2.0
-Kristen and friend meet at what they call a dive bar, but it isn’t really, it’s German themed restaurant with a bar and a one maybe drunk person at said bar. They discuss the breakup, with Kristen again display maturity and saying that what attracted to her initially about James was his confidence, but what is repelling her is that confidence becoming egotism. Again, everyone agrees James want to be Jax. and I suspect James only hooked up with Kristen to get on the show.
-Peter gained a girlfriend and is losing his ponytail. The Freudian overtones speak for themselves. Jax, Sandoval, and Peter convene at Peter’s hairdresser’s to talk, and Jax, visions of Thunderdome in his head inspired, no doubt, by the Tina Turner coiffure on Peter’s hairdresser, proposes that everyone meet out that night, Lala, James, and Kristen included. Sandoval opts out – Jax may be addicted to conflict but he and Ariana aren’t so he declines. Peter, the new obligatory grown up, also declines to put himself, the girlfriend, and his new ‘do in this.
-While the guys are doing this, the Pink Ladies are getting their nails done. Scheana accuses Lala of being the type of girl who goes after other people’s girlfriends. Scheana apparently accidentally picked up Stassi’s script from Season 1 up on her way to mobile nail wagon, and doesn’t see the irony at all in her accusing Lala of the exact same thing that Stassi accused her (Scheana) of. Katie DOES, however, but doesn’t mention it in person, only in her talking head. Scheana also thinks her vagina is magic and can cure addiction, saying that if Shay even takes ONE MORE PILL even IF HE IS IN PAIN (her emphasis, not mine), she is walking. It’s pills or marriage. Katie is aghast. You will notice lots of people are aghast at Scheana and her magic cooter this season.
-James and Lala go on a date. Lala says she’s used to steak but will try a string bean. As a carnivore, I say stick with the steak. It won’t call you a bitch later. Lala asks about Kristen. James chugs his beer and lies, more focussed on Lala’s lala than on his own dignity.
-After wine class with LVP, in which LVP is aghast at Scheana’s lack of knowledge on marriage, it’s Jax’s Thuderdome Time. Scheana ditches Shay to go to this. At first it is Jax and the Pink Ladies, until James and Lala show up. Ethnic Friends #1 boxes them in, forcing Lala to be in a douche sandwich as Kristen walks in. James starts in on Kristen. Lala tries to shut him down, saying he is being disrespectful. James baits Kristen. Jax and Kristen leave for the alley (another alley!) to James’s catcalls. Lala is disgusted with James.
-Lala goes to alley to introduce herself to Kristen. Jax leaves, leaving the two ladies to figure out that James has lied to them both. James paces, smoking, waiting just off stage for his entrance cue. He joins them, sitting between them. Lala and Kristen, sisters united in a cause, leave James, his dreams of a three way dissipating like so much cheap cigarette smoke, tries to find an ashtray for his now crumbled ego.
-James follows them inside, and knowing he has lost, goes immediately to calling Lala a “basic bitch.” Lala is offended at the “basic” part, the rest of the ladies are offended at everything, and we leave focussed on Jax. Jax smiles, his fantasy of becoming a comic book villain almost thoroughly complete now, lacking only a cackle and a pair of tights.
After show segment one highlights:
Kristen IS America’s favorite ex girlfriend! Even with a black eye, she’s still our Kristen.
Everyone is shady, in sunglasses for solidarity with our Kristen. Julie and Brandy seem to “get” Kristen and are conversing with her without the normal high level condescending irony. They mention everyone else has fucked up and yet they turn it on her wrongly.
Kristen still doesn’t care for Lala, comparing her to Honey BooBoo.
Brandy brings up the “suck a dick” moment. Kristen owns it and says it was not her proudest moment.
I say Kristen is this generation’s Mary Tyler Moore. You’re gonna make it after all, girl!
Awesome recap Xanadude!
If I lived in LA I would totally hang out in the alley behind SUR and sit with my popcorn and VP Sangria or VP Rose’ doing my own version of The People’s Couch!
Thank you so much for using the word, “Conversing” instead of, “Conversating”.
can’t stand conversating either.
I tend to think of Kristen as Mary Tyler Less.
HA HAAAAA.
Aftershow segment two highlights:
Julie and Brandys favorite punching/douche bag, Jax, joins Kristen on the couch and the fun begins. They go over, in painstakingly hilarious details, Jax and Kristen’s mutual sexual history and much is made of the couch. The couch needs to be sterilized and sold on ebay for charity.
Julie and Brandy have their fun with Jax, as usual, poking holes in every story he tells, pointing out the lies and contradictions and generally doing what Andy can’t/doesn/t do. I’m guessing because neither of them have slept with Jax and therefore have no reason to coddle him.
Kristen admits she paid for everything. Everyone agrees that the world is a better place because there is only one Jax.
Aftershow segment three highlights:
Lala confesses Jax could have had her, but only if she was blackout drunk.
Lala’s type is big black dudes.
Julie screams “big dick’ in her best Oprah voice.
Julie is again openly mocking Lala and Lala isn’t getting it. Julie has to graphically explain what getting to third base means.
Lala cannot explain her attraction to James and asks Lesbian Julie Goldman for help explaining. Julie is no help in this.
James leers all the time. It’s creepy and I feel sexually harassed through my TV.
James is so weasely. Those cheeckbones could cut a bitch. Yucky! I prefer meaty Jax. Even with his giant scar and surplus in STIs….allegedly.
in the steak versus string beans debate I will always take the steak. plus, Jax seems the type to make it fun for everyone involved, while James is in it for himself
Honestly I think Jax would be super involved in getting you to achieve….something. As his ego could not handle it if he thought his partner was faking it.
Thanks for the recap Xanadude. Excellent!
Im loving the after shows. Julie and Brandi rock and just gets better. The Peoples Couch is one of the best shows Bravo has.
I dont like Kristins hair color tonight though.
All right stop, twirl, and toss the hat in the air while flashing that brillant smile…..
“Julie and Brandy have their fun with Jax, as usual, poking holes in every story he tells, pointing out the lies and contradictions and generally doing what Andy can’t/doesn/t do. I’m guessing because neither of them have slept with Jax and therefore have no reason to coddle him.”
heh.
Is that really out of the realm of possibility? 🙂
I love those two they’re so used to the freedom of the People’s Couch it follows through with their interviews which really are more like random conversations in which they say and ask pretty much whatever pops into their heads like on The People’s Couch. And hell yes I laughed when she said Jax was lying.
Is anyone else concerned that Sams….er Peter has lost his power now that the ponytail is gone???? Oh wait….. Nevermind, Peter had never had any power….. Silly me!
Funny, but Peter gets more greasy every season. Well to me at least. Season one he was hot but now he makes my skin crawl.
I actually felt bad for Peter this episode, thinking how far we’ve come since we thought he was hot. You know, before we saw his sad apartment & pick-up lines.
Not only that, but he has that weird Ray Romano “Everyone loves Raymond ” voice.
No kidding…..check it out next time.
?
I’m so sad. ? I really wanted to watch Julie and Brandy with Kristin but I fell asleep. Does Bravo show ‘re-runs of the after show?
They are on On Demand, Hulu, and on BravoTV.com
Friday nights. 7 pm this week.
Gross. I know Kristen was awful to James last season, truly disgusting, but that doesn’t justify him being equally disrespectful and disgusting back. (also to Lala). She is clearly not a woman with her head on straight if she stays dating a guy who called her a bitch, nevermind within the first week of said involvement. James is really gross.
I feel awful for Shay, he’s in over his head with his addiction and his wife hasn’t a fking clue as to how to help or handle it. She needs serious help with this as does he. Omelets and exercise coupled with threats of “it’s me or the drugs” have never, ever, gotten and kept an addict clean.
I set aside my Monday nights for those two sweet little bon-bons—- the Tom Toms!
And what cute little adventures these 2 little man- babies have each week. What action packed ideas will they play out? Let see— we’ve already had them in costume as 70’s detective porn skaters, relationship/addiction interventionIsts, St Louis bound sangria peddlers and diamond ring experts!
And the season has just begun.
I am glad they are there for Shay. Playing the roles of Wolfgang Schmuck and Gay Fierri, they are going to cure his addiction with omlettes, broccoli and vague references to the movie Rocky.
Yeah, that will work. Sandoval can play Adrienne
I had douchebumps watching this episode. Seems to be pretty juicy so far. XDude – Superb job with the recapping of the ep and the aftershow. I adore Julie and Brandy.
Kristen is honing her skills on how to be the best evil genius she can be and she is succeeding. Therapy isn’t making the crazy go away, it’s teaching her to not ACT crazy, and that calm crazy is much more terror-inducing than batshit cray behavior. She’s getting herself an education for sure. I’m actually kind of loving Kristen this season.
As always, so much douchebaggery, so little time.
Oh and I guess the guys and gals have coined a new phrase “Adulting”. I’m not a fan.
NBJ—-
I think you nailed it. Therapy is helping Kristen mask the crazy and use it more effectively.
Thank God…….for a minute there I was afraid I lost my favorite wacko.
Great recap Xanadude.
Yes indeedy!!!! She is a model student, I must say.
Jax is not aging well. His face. There’s something going on with his face. I know he’s had three new noses but it’s not that. It’s almost like he’s getting into fights and getting his face bashed in constantly, or he’s into some BDSM and likes it rough, or something. He always looks so banged up all the time, and not in a good way. Always a bandage or something going on his face. And there’s that annoying flap of skin over his right(?) eye that looks like some kind of scar that didn’t heal right. Didn’t he say he had a plastic surgeon fix it? I would want a refund. His face is looking all kinds of tired.
“You will notice lots of people are aghast at Scheana and her magic cooter this season.”. Hahahahahahahahaha
What a great recap! Thanks.
James truly is a poor excuse for a human being! I am no Kristin fan, but I wanted to “reach across the table and put the cigarette out on his face”.
Speaking of smoking, James has the most unattractive smoking style I’ve ever seen.
Agreed. That was abusive, 100%. Not a good look for any man to speak to a woman that abusively, intentionally trying to hurt her (that applies for women to men as well, but in this case it’s James speaking to Kristin).
I find the behavior especially disgusting coming from men, though.
I am kind of surprised no one has mentioned the abundant appearance (to me) of Jax and especially James being totally Coked out!!
James “under the influence” actually scares me. Totally unpredictable and explosive.
This was fun! I really love Brandy and Julie. I much prefer watching them than , dare I say it, Andy Cohen himself. They don’t hold back but they do it with such ease and grace the recipient doesn’t even realize what it happening. This show is like a comedy of errors (VPR). I can’t stop watching. On another note, I have to say, not loving Apris Ski. Thought I would but they just don’t have the same draw for me. Thanks for the recap it was awesome!!!!!
LaLa is not a favorite of mine this season. My guess, and it’s just a guess, is that she was thinking to use James to get in better with the other employees, by playing James not realizing just how sexually aggressive James is, especially when he’s drinking. I’m also guessing that sexually aggressive side of James is what attracted Kristen and had her playing the role of sugar momma for him. Or maybe it was just the accent in both cases, who knows? Also could somebody please invent a Scheana scene fast forward througher app? That woman grates like nails on a chalkboard.
Xanadude, thanks so much for doing these recaps. VPR is one of my favorite shows & you make it even better!
As much as I dislike James, his hubris is so, so entertaining. During his breakup scene with Kristen, he threatened her with never getting anyone as good looking as him again. Pure comedy gold! I know it’s petty but I’m going to enjoy watching his fall.
I know…you want to see how far he’s going travel down Douche Alley, knowing the fall will be spectacular. He’s the Coyote to Kristen’s Road Runner at this point. The anvil will fall. The anvil always falls.
Dude, I really enjoyed this recap. Is Scheana really that stupid? Or is she trying to play Jessica Simpson? Someone needs to tell her, beauty fades, dumb is forever. 😉
Xanadude, great recap!! Thanks so much!