If you’re anything like me, and are stuck in cleaning hell because you have 18 people about to crash your pad in two days, then watching our modern day Frankenstein’s, Paul and Terry, will actually be a real treat. (Damn, dirty baseboards!) But enough about me—let’s get Botched.
We start out with two sisters, Bethany or Tiffany – maybe Stephanie? – oh Lord, too many “anys” so I will lovingly refer to them as Thing 1 and Thing 2. (What? I said lovingly.) Botched calls them, “Terribly Tucked.” Thing 1 and Thing 2 are inseparable. They call it true love, I call them co-dependent, but I’m getting ahead of myself. You decide a better name for their sisterly love. They are both nurses, went to school together, bought a house together, got married together —their dad walked them down the aisle simultaneously– lived together with their husbands in the house they bought together, and eventually had kids together. Two each. (I’m exhausted.) But wait! There’s more … They gained weight together and eventually weighed over 300 pounds, separately, but somehow together. Interestingly enough, Thing 1 got Gastric Bypass alone – how dare she? – and lost well over 80 pds. Only problem: Extra skin. So Thing 1 decided on a full body lift. She loved the results. If only the story ended there—another complication arose. Pregnancy. Totally blew out the body lift and now she has saggy boobs, and …saggy everything, really. Yikes. She is a mess and needs help!
Somewhere in all of that insanity, a similar timeline of events took place for Thing 2. She got a tummy tuck, which led to saggy skin, and then the full body lift, etc. She also loved the results until her lower body and breasts just sort of gave out and started to sag. And this poor girl—brace yourselves— has a FUPA the likes of which you have never seen. She is hung like a horse! Side note: My 13 year old was skulking about and starts yelling: What did she say? FUPA? What’s a FUPA? (sigh) And I don’t know if it was the FUPA, or what, but eventually Thing 2 got a divorce. So now she really doesn’t feel comfy getting her groove on with all that extra, um …er … skin (allegedly) to work with (Hung like a horse, I tell you.) But fear not, she still lives in the same house, with her sister and her sister’s husband, and all four kids. (Who were actually super sweet and supportive of their moms getting surgery.) The home scene was giving me a Sister Wives’ vibe—but I will reserve judgment. For now.
The sisters go in to see Paul and Terry and right away our Friendly Neighborhood Surgeons comment on the “volume” of these sisters. What? Just ‘cuz they like to do everything at the same time—together? The most important part of this section involves Thing 2’s FUPA. Just like my 13 yr. old, neither sister has any idea what a FUPA is. But they keep repeating it, over and over. Thing 1 says: Like a faux pas? Oh no, honey. Terry is disgusted they don’t know what a FUPA is. Thing 2 then decides she will tell people it’s a Polynesian word ‘cuz her kids are half Polynesian. I just …can’t with these two. Oh, and Thing 1 is concerned her sister will never leave the house again and needs to get laid (Mm-hmm … sure, deflecting from the Sister Wives. I know what’s really going on.) They go into the examining room. We find out what we already know. Thing 1 has webbed breasts and saggy skin. Thing 2 has even saggier breasts and a penis—I mean FUPA. Not that she knows what that means. Surgery is set—same day, same time!— and thankfully we get a break.
Next we meet Michael, aka Stout Nose. Right away, there is no doubt what he wants fixed. He has a beak-like nose that would make Larry Bird cry. Large tip, very bulbous, with collapsed nostrils. He has broken his nose 3 times and has had 2 surgeries. The first break was in 7th grade. He tackled the biggest guy on the field and the back of his head smashed straight into his nose. Yikes. He said it was so bad that it just sort of laid flat on one side of his face. They wouldn’t do surgery because his nose was still growing. It wasn’t until he was 17 that he had two of his botched surgeries. What is cool – and slightly boring in a refreshing way – is he doesn’t expect miracles. All of the Stout men have big noses. Now that he’s 46 (what? He looks way older) he just wants to enjoy his new wife and not die of a heart attack like his dad. His wife seems genuinely concerned for him. She loves his big ‘ole beak and is irrationally worried he will croak from the surgery. (I don’t think that it’s so irrational—it’s the anesthesia you have to worry about.)
Cut to Terry and Paul. And – finally! – Terry delivers the goods. He’s talking leeches, people. RHOC tie in! And Paul is appropriately disgusted. This is my favorite part of the episode.
Terry: I had leeches on my stomach, last night.
Paul: What weird thing are you doing now?
Terry: It’s supposed to be a rejuvenating facial.
Paul: Why did you do it?
Terry shows a picture of himself and Heather. Aagh! It’s the movie, “Carrie” all over again. They have blood covering their entire faces. Eew!
Paul: (My favorite line of the episode) God, you look like a freak. (I die!)
Oh yeah — Michael shows up, tells his story, his surgery will be SUPER hard, and he’s booked. (His wife looks like she’s going to faint.)
Now here comes the obligatory Freakazoid who tries to pretend she has been botched but really just wants to continue with completely dangerous surgery that will quell the little voices in her head for a few months until she gets the next surgery. Her name is Penny. Although, I have to say, I like Penny more than most of the other “freaks.” She is Australian and lived on a farm her whole life and seriously showed the cutest picture of herself at age 2 where she looked like she was raised by wolves. I loved it. Penny describes herself as a plus-sized, waist-trained, big-breasted, Internet Content Creator. (Okay …) All I notice are the seriously Bodacious Tatas. To match those massive breasts, she wears corsets and waist trainers to have a teeny-tiny waist. What I like about her is she is a solid girl who likes her body even though she isn’t a size 0. Yay!
But here’s what I learned about waist trainers, thanks to Penny, that scared the crap out of me. They shift your floating ribs (wtf—they float?) they move your organs and they could potentially smash your intestines into your lungs. What? Screw that, Kardashians and Zolciaks—you never mentioned that part!
Surgery for Thing 1 and 2
They are together. Of course. That’s totally normal and reasonable and for some reason Terry loves the idea. That might have to do with Thing 2 telling Terry how handsome he is after she got her meds. (Keep rolling, girl). Terry furiously works on perking their breasts and destroying FUPAs. Of course, it wouldn’t be Terry if there weren’t shade. At one point he says: Damn! Her breasts are so wide if I make them too small they’ll be pancake-y. (‘Cuz yeah. That’s the kind of thing I want my doc to say about me while operating.) And then I think he jokes about eating FUPA. Yup, he did. Surgery is a success and we are back to …
Penny. She is not going to get her surgery. We already know this so I choose to focus on Paul and Terry’s reactions to her. Paul is worried about the health of her organs while Terry thinks it’s okay in moderation. BTW-her waist is normally 38 inches, but in the corset, if she wears it up to 23 hrs. a day, she can get it down to 23 inches. (Yes Terry, that sounds moderate.) But then, once again, Terry delivers. He lets it slip: My wife just got one. A ha! I knew it! Heather has a waist trainer. Wait …why the hell would a woman the size of my pinky need a waist trainer? Those two jump on any trend. Penny’s a no because she won’t reduce her breasts in order to lose the scars, so she traipses on her merry way.
Michael has surgery. It’s tough, as usual. His septum explodes at one point, but Paul is moderately happy by the end.
Michael’s nose is still huge, but he’s happy because it’s straight and he can breathe. His adorable wife looks like she can finally relax, and I really like him because he meant it when he said he just wanted a functional nose. He loves the big ‘ole Stout family nose and they live happily-ever-after.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 are visited by Terry, at home, recovering in the same bed. (Sister Wives, I’m telling you.) After they moan and groan about recovery, they have a big reveal at a family party. But all of their clothes are still on so I can’t tell … okay, now I’m seeing the full frontals. Thing 1 has no more webbing between her boobs and she even got some small implants put in. She is ecstatic and looks great. Thing 2 had even better results. Her beasts, which almost touched her knees, (no exaggeration) are now back to armpit level. (Sort of.) And the dreaded FUPA — the sisters still seem to have no idea what it means— is gone. At one point Thing 2 even starts calling a friend Fupi like it’s a term of endearment. Wha …? I decide to focus on their sweet kids, and shared husband, who all look very happy.
Thanks again to TT for letting me recap. I’m having a blast! I write Contemporary and Paranormal Romance Novels. My latest titled: Charm School After Dark is about four sisters who inherit a charm school and are shocked when they find out they have to teach naughty, after-hour classes to keep the school open. First class on the schedule: Blow jobs. (Totally plausible premise, right?) wink, wink If you want to learn about techniques like The Ball Juggler or The Long Lick Goodnight —look me up at: LynnCarmer.com or come find me on FB or Twitter.
Side note: HOLY FUCK! WHO DOESN’T WANT TO READ ABOUT THAT!
Side Note 2: I’m feeling some kinda way that about the fat shaming. And not using people’s actual name. I’m not okay with the whole Thing One and Thing Two shit. AT ALL. I have no excuse. But I am publishing her anyway