As much as y’all love this guy would it kill you to follow him on Twitter?
Going in, kids, in the immortal words of Nick Lowe: “Cruel to be kind, means that I love you.” I wouldn’t be watchin’ and snarkin’ if I didn’t love this show.
Let’s address the big topic straight up: Scheana has been been clued in (either through reading social media, through self awareness, or, most likely, through production) that after three years of her showing up for the first few weeks of taping with visible though not disfiguring injuries, viewers have caught on to her; so instead of her seasonal Munchausen by Vanderpump injuries focus has been shifted to Shay and his “addiction.” Do I believe Shay has an addiction problem? Maybe. Do I think whatever issue Shay has Scheana has blown up for a storyline? Yes. Yes I do.
Katie has a website called “Pucker and Pout” wherein she apparently gives Hair Hacks and Beauty Tips. She also seems to have taken ‘shrooms, watched Games of Thrones, and traded in some Hobby Lobby gift cards left as tips at SUR to create headbands and tiaras for people to wear (and I quote) “at festivals and stuff.” She is trying to sell them through her website and has asked Scheana to model them. Sitting before a roll of white butcher paper (no lie), Scheana apologizes for not being her usual “perky and peppy” self, which leads one to think that 1) Scheana is the perfect model for a site called “Pucker and Pout,” and 2) Scheana’s definition of perky and peppy is far different than mine.
Jax tries to pickup Lala by saying that he heard she was Mormon and “aren’t Mormons into anal?” Lala counters well in a line that had to be scripted for her, saying that Mormon girls were doing anal and giving blowies all day long and it would be too tiring for her. Jax, of course, was “Mormon” in Florida when he still went by Jason. LVP admonishes Jax for flirting with Lala when he has a girlfriend, especially since he’s trying to get his current “girl” “friend” a job in the LVP empire.
By the way, all of my personal flashbacks are now blue tinged, like the ones on VPR.
The T-Birds, by which I mean all the male Survers, are meeting for drinks, and Jax offers/threatens to mentor James in the finer art of douchebaggery, although James, especially after a few drinks, seems to be fast tracking his studies and doesn’t need the help.
We also learn that James and Kristen are fighting and are going to therapy the next day. Also happening the next day? The Toms are meeting with LVP to give her some half baked scheme to become sales reps for her. And what do our heroes do before their big day? Get drunk! Way to not be a Peter Pan, gentlemen. (Their words. Not mine. At least they didn’t saying “Peter Panning” like they said “Adulting” previously.
The next day is THERAPY DAY! and James is nursing a Jax sized hangover. Apparently Kristen has been in therapy for nine months prior to this. (Court ordered? Anger management?) This, of course, saddens me, as we like Kristen just the way she is. (An aside: I think Kristen, more than anyone on the show, is in on the joke and deliberately heightens her character for the show. Some people think this is the end-all be all and are taking themselves VERY serious – Scheana – while others “get it” and realize they need to just be what they need to be for the show and enjoy it as it lasts-my theory is actually bolstered by the next scene, when, Kristen says that James has a “sorry dick,” and James, his button pressed, starts unloading on the therapist. During this diatribe, Kristen is smirking. Smart girl, our Kristen, who comes across more as a parent and less as a partner. The therapist calls out James for his “disrespectful language” but didn’t say a thing about Kristen calling him a “fucking asshole,” so I assume this is the therapist Kristen has been seeing for nine months.
At a triple date between the Toms, their wimmens, and Peter and his new girlfriend, we learn that, wait, what? Peter has a girlfriend. who has a four year old. I really hope he’s washed his sheets by now. Ariana does not want to have children or get married while Sandoval really wants kids, but we think all know he wants to have them with his soul mate, Scwartz. Everyone talks about Shay and Sheana.
The next day at SUR, because we need a storyline to draw Kristen back in, James flirts with Lala. Lala roboticaly recites her lines while James goes method and gets handsy.
The Toms – who seem to have a fundamental disagreement over the terms “button up” and “button down,” show up at Pinky’s Mansion. I was going to note how out of place they looked, but then one said “I feel like a peasant that’s been invited to the castle,” and I realize these are grown men who have deep thoughts with occasional flashes of insight. By the way, LVP is in jeans in this scene. Has she ever been in jeans before? After shooting down the suggestion that she hire a drunken drug addicted Shay to be a bartender, Pandora and business partner James enter and what follows is a thing of beauty:
Sandoval wants to be the St. Louis Connection for Vanderpump Sangria, a John the Baptist, spreading the Gospel of Sangria if you will, because he knows everyone in St. Louis, having gone there once or twice. (Visiting Jim Edmunds? Andy? who knows) Pandora, showing the world why we love her, immediately verbally castrates them by saying that the brand is International and that they have already been meeting with outlets in Europe (specifically Turkey, because, why not?) and that the Toms are thinking too small. LVP then gives the castrati some homework – the equivalent of coloring the placemats at a Waffle House, and sends them on their way.
We then shift to Shay’s Intervention. Shay returns from a stay at his parents and claims that he has been on pills the entire time he has been on camera. Scheana makes this all about her. Shay actually said that “I’m glad they are all here because at least I can talk with them here. When we are alone you overtalk and dominate the conversation.” Scheana misses the point (this is about to become a recurring theme) and makes it all about her. The couple resolve to work together to get through this. Later, they talk about their goals, with Scheana actually saying #goals while they eat off of tv trays and sip Capri Suns. She then whips out a home drug testing kit and orders Shay to pee, saying that for this marriage to work, he needs to do this whenever she asks. Scheana also says that she doesn’t want Shay to be completely sober, that he should be able to “drink enough to get buzzed,” because SHE’s able to and SHE doesn’t think SHE could stay with a man who can’t go out and socialize with HER and HER friends-and that he gets a pass on marijuana (because #goals). Shay is flabbergasted and can think of nothing to do except pee in the cup. (thoughts: how long before the TV trays and the drug tests are on ebay? and was that a product placement for Capri Sun?)
SAT analogy time: Lisa is to Sangria as Scheana is to Capri Sun.
Jax bring Brittanie (his current fling) for a job interview with LVP. Brittanie has not changed out of her ho clothes and still has no resume, two things that Lisa specifically asked for her to do for this interview. The entire scene is saved by Lisa saying the word “Hooters.” Lisa decides to not give Brittanie a job at any of her restaurants, causing Jax to pout.
After the world’s fastest Intervention, Scheana meets with Lisa to tell her, over drinks, how she makes Shay pee in a cup before getting any sex or his allowance. Lisa is aghast, and rightly so, saying that this is not a foundation for a good marriage.
Next up: The VPR Aftershow. And next week: Kristen and James break up, James and Lala fuck, James and Lala break up, and Scheana makes it all about her.