By Xanadude
As much as y’all love this guy would it kill you to follow him on Twitter?
Going in, kids, in the immortal words of Nick Lowe: “Cruel to be kind, means that I love you.” I wouldn’t be watchin’ and snarkin’ if I didn’t love this show.
Let’s address the big topic straight up: Scheana has been been clued in (either through reading social media, through self awareness, or, most likely, through production) that after three years of her showing up for the first few weeks of taping with visible though not disfiguring injuries, viewers have caught on to her; so instead of her seasonal Munchausen by Vanderpump injuries focus has been shifted to Shay and his “addiction.” Do I believe Shay has an addiction problem? Maybe. Do I think whatever issue Shay has Scheana has blown up for a storyline? Yes. Yes I do.
Onward…
Katie has a website called “Pucker and Pout” wherein she apparently gives Hair Hacks and Beauty Tips. She also seems to have taken ‘shrooms, watched Games of Thrones, and traded in some Hobby Lobby gift cards left as tips at SUR to create headbands and tiaras for people to wear (and I quote) “at festivals and stuff.” She is trying to sell them through her website and has asked Scheana to model them. Sitting before a roll of white butcher paper (no lie), Scheana apologizes for not being her usual “perky and peppy” self, which leads one to think that 1) Scheana is the perfect model for a site called “Pucker and Pout,” and 2) Scheana’s definition of perky and peppy is far different than mine.
Jax tries to pickup Lala by saying that he heard she was Mormon and “aren’t Mormons into anal?” Lala counters well in a line that had to be scripted for her, saying that Mormon girls were doing anal and giving blowies all day long and it would be too tiring for her. Jax, of course, was “Mormon” in Florida when he still went by Jason. LVP admonishes Jax for flirting with Lala when he has a girlfriend, especially since he’s trying to get his current “girl” “friend” a job in the LVP empire.
By the way, all of my personal flashbacks are now blue tinged, like the ones on VPR.
The T-Birds, by which I mean all the male Survers, are meeting for drinks, and Jax offers/threatens to mentor James in the finer art of douchebaggery, although James, especially after a few drinks, seems to be fast tracking his studies and doesn’t need the help.
We also learn that James and Kristen are fighting and are going to therapy the next day. Also happening the next day? The Toms are meeting with LVP to give her some half baked scheme to become sales reps for her. And what do our heroes do before their big day? Get drunk! Way to not be a Peter Pan, gentlemen. (Their words. Not mine. At least they didn’t saying “Peter Panning” like they said “Adulting” previously.
The next day is THERAPY DAY! and James is nursing a Jax sized hangover. Apparently Kristen has been in therapy for nine months prior to this. (Court ordered? Anger management?) This, of course, saddens me, as we like Kristen just the way she is. (An aside: I think Kristen, more than anyone on the show, is in on the joke and deliberately heightens her character for the show. Some people think this is the end-all be all and are taking themselves VERY serious – Scheana – while others “get it” and realize they need to just be what they need to be for the show and enjoy it as it lasts-my theory is actually bolstered by the next scene, when, Kristen says that James has a “sorry dick,” and James, his button pressed, starts unloading on the therapist. During this diatribe, Kristen is smirking. Smart girl, our Kristen, who comes across more as a parent and less as a partner. The therapist calls out James for his “disrespectful language” but didn’t say a thing about Kristen calling him a “fucking asshole,” so I assume this is the therapist Kristen has been seeing for nine months.
At a triple date between the Toms, their wimmens, and Peter and his new girlfriend, we learn that, wait, what? Peter has a girlfriend. who has a four year old. I really hope he’s washed his sheets by now. Ariana does not want to have children or get married while Sandoval really wants kids, but we think all know he wants to have them with his soul mate, Scwartz. Everyone talks about Shay and Sheana.
The next day at SUR, because we need a storyline to draw Kristen back in, James flirts with Lala. Lala roboticaly recites her lines while James goes method and gets handsy.
The Toms – who seem to have a fundamental disagreement over the terms “button up” and “button down,” show up at Pinky’s Mansion. I was going to note how out of place they looked, but then one said “I feel like a peasant that’s been invited to the castle,” and I realize these are grown men who have deep thoughts with occasional flashes of insight. By the way, LVP is in jeans in this scene. Has she ever been in jeans before? After shooting down the suggestion that she hire a drunken drug addicted Shay to be a bartender, Pandora and business partner James enter and what follows is a thing of beauty:
Sandoval wants to be the St. Louis Connection for Vanderpump Sangria, a John the Baptist, spreading the Gospel of Sangria if you will, because he knows everyone in St. Louis, having gone there once or twice. (Visiting Jim Edmunds? Andy? who knows) Pandora, showing the world why we love her, immediately verbally castrates them by saying that the brand is International and that they have already been meeting with outlets in Europe (specifically Turkey, because, why not?) and that the Toms are thinking too small. LVP then gives the castrati some homework – the equivalent of coloring the placemats at a Waffle House, and sends them on their way.
We then shift to Shay’s Intervention. Shay returns from a stay at his parents and claims that he has been on pills the entire time he has been on camera. Scheana makes this all about her. Shay actually said that “I’m glad they are all here because at least I can talk with them here. When we are alone you overtalk and dominate the conversation.” Scheana misses the point (this is about to become a recurring theme) and makes it all about her. The couple resolve to work together to get through this. Later, they talk about their goals, with Scheana actually saying #goals while they eat off of tv trays and sip Capri Suns. She then whips out a home drug testing kit and orders Shay to pee, saying that for this marriage to work, he needs to do this whenever she asks. Scheana also says that she doesn’t want Shay to be completely sober, that he should be able to “drink enough to get buzzed,” because SHE’s able to and SHE doesn’t think SHE could stay with a man who can’t go out and socialize with HER and HER friends-and that he gets a pass on marijuana (because #goals). Shay is flabbergasted and can think of nothing to do except pee in the cup. (thoughts: how long before the TV trays and the drug tests are on ebay? and was that a product placement for Capri Sun?)
SAT analogy time: Lisa is to Sangria as Scheana is to Capri Sun.
Jax bring Brittanie (his current fling) for a job interview with LVP. Brittanie has not changed out of her ho clothes and still has no resume, two things that Lisa specifically asked for her to do for this interview. The entire scene is saved by Lisa saying the word “Hooters.” Lisa decides to not give Brittanie a job at any of her restaurants, causing Jax to pout.
After the world’s fastest Intervention, Scheana meets with Lisa to tell her, over drinks, how she makes Shay pee in a cup before getting any sex or his allowance. Lisa is aghast, and rightly so, saying that this is not a foundation for a good marriage.
Next up: The VPR Aftershow. And next week: Kristen and James break up, James and Lala fuck, James and Lala break up, and Scheana makes it all about her.
I love you and this recap is THE BOMB.
This episode was kind of shocking. If Shay is telling the truth, he needs to be in some kind of recovery program, Scheana has absolutely no idea what this might mean for Shay. If they are faking this, then shame on them. Addiction is a serious illness and should not be taken lightly. BTW, Scheana looks much better with less makeup.
He definitely needs rehab. Scheana’s a horrible person – why would that nice guy marry her?
I agree. Perfect recap of a hysterical show. I have no words re Sheana…..she is a piece of work. Keep up the good work because I don’t know how much longer I will be able to tolerate actually watching this and need these recaps.
Tldr ?
What is up with Jax and the scar above his eyebrow? Did he get into a fight that left the cut and required the nose job?
Jax being tangy is NO surprise. Some egotistical guys make zero effort to eat correctly before making their deposit.
Pretty sure that’s the gash he got last season from an ex. Allegedly. Said he walked into a door or some shit.
That word…’gash’.
*triggered*
Nearly as bad as ‘moist’.
Yet not as bad as “clot”.
Wait a minute cause I’m confused. So it isn’t about Scheana? I thought that was the whole premise of the show.
Simply one of the funniest recaps I’ve ever read.
And oh how perfectly you capture them all in their vapid, shallow glory.
What was the best? Well of course my beloved little Tom-Toms. I love these 2 cute little man-pandas all dressed up with their pitch to capture that all-important-yet- so- elusive St Louis market. Hmmmn……what’s next, Boys? Conquering Cleveland?
And Shay— the only man born with no facial expressions— married to a woman with no brain cells.
OMFG this was an awesome & funny recap.
This recap was even better than Pump Rules (and I love me some VPR).
PLEASE DO NOT SPOIL SHOWS IN TOPICS ABOUT OTHER SHOWS! GRRRRRRRRRRR
And Lady Cocotte caught my crud. 🙁
alleluia! i knew it! lol
I thought this was the Walking Dead recap. Oh. Just another show about brainless people walking around. Never mind.
Great job, Xanadude! You actually make this entertaining.
WOW…..this weird, cause I did not write this!!
I am confused. Did I comment in the wrong place? Ever since this new site went up I have struggled trying to comment and navigate. I would not spoil other shows……GRRRRRRRRRR back at cha! 🙂
Great recap! I have to say that was the best therapy session ever. Pandora needs a makeover. That hair and those clothes are horrible. The Toms should be stylists, not wine sellers. I am betting Scheana cures Shay with the pee in a cup and the juice boxes.
I thought it was funny that Shay bear hugged the Toms before embracing his wife. It seemed like Shay was saying ” Oh I’ve missed my bros. A week is too long to be without you two. Oh, hey Scheana.”
Btw, I thought Schwartz had the best line. Something like “If Kristin didn’t have a cheating boyfriend, all here stalking talents would be wasted”.
As I was typing, it dawned on me that I had watched the reruns of the show prior to the Vicki one on one. I don’t know if the quote was from the new episode, but I agree with Schwartz’s observation!
That wasn’t Pandora’s business partner, that was her husband.
Hilarious recap, love it lol
I could not believe the Capri Sun, really? Times can’t be that hard Scheana. I did feel very sad for Shay because if he is indeed an addict and not just a lonely guy who leaned a little too heavy on the pills for a bit, he is going to have a hard time staying sober with Scheana’s mentality. Basically that it won’t work for her for him to take care of himself. How selfish. If he needs to give up all substances to be ok, she should look into that and explore it. She shouldn’t rule out rehab or treatment for him off the bat, he looked to be in pretty bad shape with a long term issue. I worry for him with her domineering and controlling things.
She’s too stupid to get what real addictions means. Scheana, you poor thing, it’s not like a summer coke binge that you get over in a week. This is opiate addiction and takes a long time to overcome
I couldn’t even deal with the getup Brittany was wearing, again. It’s like she has a closet full of these nightie/romper type things and won’t wear anything else. How do you show up half naked (again) without a resume (again) to a job interview? Blows my mind, but then again, she’s dating Jax so her state of mind has already been established lol
Shae, you are so right!! Her nightgown sure is short! Wouldn’t Jax have known that was inappropriate for a job interview
Top check. Shoes check. Something to cover south of the mason dixon line? Crickets. Two out of three is bad. Who leaves the house dressed only from the waist up and ankle down? Nevermind.
I preface this by stating I am a Vanderpump fan, however, the current ‘uniform’ is a horribly tacky purple skintight cheap dress and previously the uniform for SUR were those skimpy floral like rompers/short dresses.
So technically, she was perfectly dressed for the interview. She could have shown up wearing one of Jax’s white slimfit buttonup shirts and nothing else and appeared more fashion forward and less skanky than the current SUR uniform.
Dude love the recap! Thanks so much!
I’m deceased over the Lisa to scheana analogy but I low key want some caprisun right now. #unapologetic
“LVP then gives the castrati some homework – the equivalent of coloring the placemats at a Waffle House, and sends them on their way.” Xanadude, you are errythang!
Its amazing hows much Scheana makes EVERYTHING all about her. I’m not sure if I can take an entire season of her dropping her “ing”s and making every statement a question. As far as Shay’s “addiction”-5 vicodin a day is not that shocking, its usually around what most people are prescribed. Neither is popping one vicodin in the morning-not that alarming. So either they’re minimizing and theres really either a 1 in front of the five, or a 0 after it, or its a storyline-if he was taking enough to be physically dependent, a week at mommy and daddy’s ain’t gonna fix that.
It depends on the strength of the pills. Vicoden comes in 2.5mg, 5mg, 7.5mg, 10mg and 15mg tabs with different concentrations of tylenol. But in the ER, we say that addicts and alkies use the metric system when they tell us how much they are using. So you double what they are admitting to and add 30 to get what they are actually using. Shay initially said 5 pills a day. He probably was using 5 at a time. Then he admitted to 10 pills. He still not being honest. Yes, Scheana is selfish but in typical addict fashion, he’s shifting the blame to using on Scheana. It’s Scheana’s fault because she talks over him. He was using before they met. Scheana is in deep denial. He’s addicted to oxy, which is like a heroin addiction. He NEEDS rehab. An oxy addiction is hard to kick. If Scheana wants to continue to party, Shay needs to cut himself loose. Once an addict, you have to abstain from EVERYTHING. If you love your spouse, then you also abstain from EVERYTHING.
All I can think of is Jenny yelling to Forest….”Run Shay, Run!”
I think Oxy as well. That garbage takes months to kick.
Wow, I thought 7.5 was the strongest Vicoden came in. What is Oxy? Is that what Vicoden contains? Just curious. Thanks
Oxycodone ‘oxy’ is a superstong painkiller pill it’s highly addictive for some people and often when there’s no more script people will abuse herion as a cheaper substitute.
Imelza, thank you for explaining. Scheana is so selfish, putting her drinking before Shay shows she has a problem as well. Beauty fades dumb is forever. Wise up Scheana
That therapy session was something, apparently sleeves were not allowed in therapy. Shaena is such an idiot, all about how Shay’s not drinking can affect HER, I could not believe it.
The boys are so cute, I love how nice they are about Shay, but with Tom-Tom thinking they can go bar hopping in St Louis and get big money for it is hysterical. “Hoot-ers?” lmao, love Lisa, and love how she is the foil for all of them, she is like a Greek Chorus, that show is perfection.
I would need way more than 5 pills a day to deal with scheana.
#duh
If I was married to Scheana, I would need to self-medicate as well… You would have to be high to tolerate that self-centered, high pitch chirp incessantly. I think her saying she cannot be with him if he has to stop drinking altogether is frankly even more selfish-icing on the cake. God forbid you have to give up booze for your husband. If you can’t even consider doing it in unity, Scheana, I’m afraid you are just as much as an addict to alcohol as your hubby is addicted to his vices.
So many wtf highlights of this show. The Essence of “I’m kind of a big deal in St Louis” was pure comedy. Pandora and Max seem to have St. Louis and then some covered, boys.
Missed this episode but loved the recap anyway! Scheana sucks, what a selfish cow. I’m a recovering drunk and in the beginning of my sobriety a lot of people dumped me because I couldn’t drink or smoke weed anymore and they thought I’d be boring to hang with. (I was in my twenties in college) It hurt a lot.
We have definitely seen Lisa in jeans -generally puttering around her house and garden –usually wearing a pink/lavender gingham shirt. Pinkie definitely has some junk in the trunk. I think she looks great in jeans and I definitely prefer this look to the satin dresses, full on make-up and over-done jewelry at the reunions. She easily looks 5-8 years younger.
Agreed, she looks amazing. I’ve seen her in jeans a few times on RHOBH too, she always looks great.
LVP is starting to look a little plastic with her full-on makeup look.
Great recap! You made this episode sound way more interesting than it was. Best part was Lisa, Pandora and her husband laughing in the Toms face (aside from the “running out crying” comment. That was just mean.).
This show has been such a snore so far this season. Now suddenly they want to behave as though they’re their actual age? No thanks. I want my crazy.
I love you Xanadude.
That is all.
Doesn’t anyone else think the therapist is the same one Jax saw in Season 2 and 3?
Loved your recap, Xanadude! Still laughing about the castrati line ….
xanadude’s Twitter is hilarious!
Watching this fucking show before the new episode-that Scheana is an immature, shallow, STUPID, retarded, fucking twat. IF I NEVER HEAR HER NASAL VALLEY GIRL VOICE again, it won’t be too soon. This show should be shelved solely because of her. I realize there are fans of Kristin et al here-that is entertainment. But this little dumb girl, who thinks she’s all that? I should not have to put up with this – even when buzzed. Do these producers think I’m that fucking moronic? Lisa” can I get a cup of tea”? Oh, no staging. That Scheana is just as bad. Below the bar…I’m annoyed.