By Lynn Carmer
TT was gracious enough to let me try out a little recapping. So let’s get “Botched,” shall we? For anyone who’s watched the show, we always meet three truly messed up people, some because of their own incessant need for plastic surgery, but a few who have been victims of truly horrible circumstances.
But the catch? Only two out of the three will get “unbotched” by the dynamic duo of Terry Dubrow and Paul Nassif. Quick side note: Anybody notice the strange transformation that has occurred with our two, former and current, housewife husbands? I remember Paul as Adrienne Maloof’s goofy— saying whatever was on the top of his head— Botox-administering husband. While now, he has suddenly become Mr. Calm, the voice of reason. While Terry. He’s so … Terry, on steroids —insulting Paul, throwing deep shade left and right. It’s as if he’s transformed into the housewife he was always meant to be. Almost giddy —from freedom. (You can take a guess who he’s escaping from on those long shoots.)
Side note over. Who’s up first? Blondie Bennet whose moniker lists her as Dream Doll. Really? This will come into play later when I tell you what they call the other two patients. How to describe Blondie? Wellll, she looks like a older, emaciated version of Pamela Anderson with two bowling balls inserted under her chest cavity. She has had five boob jobs, chin Lipo (wtf?) cheek fillers and Botox, like everywhere. As the image of Blondie, parading around in fur bikinis that expose way too much under-boob, seers my retinas, she starts talking numbers. sigh She’s not doing either of us any favors. I hate math. But I will attempt to translate the various cc’s of implants. She started with 700 cc’s, they were large softballs; she moved onto 1200 cc’s, they were bowling balls; and finally ended up with her current 1700’s that are friggin’ soccer ball-sized boobs. On a frame the size of a prepubescent teen. And does she want to fix these monstrosities? Nope. She wants to be twice the size. Of course.
Thankfully, we move on to Elaine, who Botched has captioned Witch Nose. (I’m not even joking.) Elaine is a mess. She has a hole in the right side of her nose, her tip is shriveled and her nostrils have a strange triangular shape. She was in a terrible car accident and an ENT—with no previous plastic surgery experience— promised her the world and left her with …well, a Witch Nose. This operation took place twenty-four years ago and she has lived with the shame. Luckily, she has a super supportive husband that says he loves her no matter what (And I believe him).
Elaine goes right in and we see Terry and Paul for the first time this episode. Paul, the face specialist, pronounces he can help but the poor witchy woman will have to have an “Elephant Trunk” type procedure that I blocked out because …yuck, but it basically means for six weeks she’ll have a huge piece of skin hanging off her forehead and down her nose. I could see poor Elaine’s anxiety rising. She doesn’t know if she’s down for the “Elephant Trunk.” And how does Terry help? By telling her she should be grateful ‘cuz back in the 1600’s (you know, when all the girls were getting their noses’ done) they used to have to attach the nose to the ARM and leave it there for two months. What can I say except … Terry. OK, so it looks like our first victim …er, I mean patient, is chosen. Elaine is in.
Now we meet Kayden, AKA Mutant Boobs! Really, Botched? Must these people be totally shamed in order to appear on this show? Kayden herself describes them as, “Monster boobs that have been dipped in radioactive acid.” (OK, maybe the name isn’t all Botched’s fault.) Kayden is transgender, and grew up in an extremely religious family that performed exorcisms on her to get her to act more masculine. That’s a whole show in itself! A show I would watch but only if Kayden gets to dip her family in the same radioactive juice as her boobs. Burn, suckers! As we see a naked shot of Kayden’s grapefruit-sized breasts — that have one nipple pointing west and the other east — we learn Kayden started to transition in her early twenties by taking hormones and living her life as a woman. The boobs would complete the process for her. But all didn’t work out as planned. Her crazy-ass doctor surprised her by doubling the size of her implants to 800 cc’s. (Uh oh, here comes the math again.) When she awoke from surgery, her doctor said, “Congratulations, you had an upgrade! You’re a transsexual, I figured you would want to look like a doll. You should thank me.” And bam! That’s the thread, folks. We have two Living Dolls that want to get fixed, one called Dream Doll and the other one Mutant Boobs. (Shady Botched …shady). She might have lived with ‘em BUT a few months after surgery, she felt a burning sensation and realized she might have Symmastia, which basically translates into Uni-boob. It will be super difficult surgery (like all their cases) but … she’s in!
Now, Kayden’s in surgery, Terry is griping, complaining that male anatomy is even harder to operate on… level nine in difficulty …blah blah blah … the operation’s over and … Terry is optimistic! He thinks he got rid of the Uni-Boob and ends with a “Boo yaa.”
Before the moment we have all been waiting for, when Blondie meets the docs, she takes us on a journey to her hypnotherapist’s office to combat all the negativity her appearance invokes. (An appearance she literally paid for!) I kid you not, the therapist can hardly hide the disgust in her gaze as we hear Blondie share the phrase that combats all of her anxiety: I live my life as a doll. I live my life as a doll …
Blondie stumbles into the docs’ office, after they finish playing the board game, Operation. (Uh huh.) Their convo with Blondie goes a little something like this.
Paul: You’re very thin.
Dream Doll (DD): Thank-you! (She doesn’t realize it wasn’t a compliment.)
Terry: How much do you weigh?
DD: 90 pounds. (Yikes!)
Terry (in his talking head). “She’s a little too skinny. A strong wind could knock her over, but at least she has cushions for her fall.” In that moment, I realized two things. Terry has learned nothing from the Bethany Frankel weight debacle and with those two sentences he has earned his rightful place as a true RHOC housewife. Who wants to start a petition to have Terry substitute for Heather? Oh come on, we could watch him freebase onions rings while making socially awkward and inappropriate comments about the other women. With leeches. I’m in.
DD’s final outcome. The docs think she’s bat–shizz crazy for wanting to double her boob size. They think her breast will either explode or cause her to tip over when she stands upright. So, as expected, Blondie is out!
Elaine’s surgery was difficult and Paul kept shouting things like “Elephant Trunk” because Elaine ultimately decided against the flap. Paul agreed to her terms, but was worried about the outcome. He only predicted a 50% improvement. And guess what …drum roll. She looked great! Her nose was still a little bumpy but the hole was gone and her nostrils were a normal shape. No more calling her Witch Nose—Botched! She was absolutely glowing and her husband and daughter had tears in their eyes as she did the big reveal at a …um … pool hall. (I’m just saying). But it was very sweet and she was totally grateful. I could just tell!
Kayden’s results were bittersweet. She walked into the doctor’s office with a pretty mesh shirt on, clearly showing her cleavage. I thought she was thrilled. Nope. She told Terry she’d been hoping for more definition. Terry took the blame and said he should have managed her expectations better. The reality was, she would never have the same results as a woman, her anatomy just wasn’t built that way. Paul put in his two cents, pretty much saying: It ain’t gonna get better than this, honey. Terry was actually pretty cool, and begged Kayden to call him if any other shady doctor offered to make the boob’s better. I thought the result was really nice. Her breasts were smaller but still substantial. The nipples were much improved and the Uni-Boob was gone. Kayden looked great and seemed to leave happier than coming in.
Special thanks to TT. I had so much fun doing the recap. I write Contemporary and Paranormal Romance Novels. If you’re ever in the mood for red-hot romance sprinkled with a good dose of humor—look me up at: LynnCarmer.com or come find me on FB or Follow me on Twitter.