For tonight’s Below Deck Finale EDITED IT IS NOT THE FINALE AND I MUST SEE THE FINALE RIGHT NOW! entitled, Dirty Laundry you should all listen to some Don Henley playing in the background and drink lots of your favorite adult beverages. Sing along with me, won’t you? “Dirty little secrets. Dirty little lies. We got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s pie. We love to cut you down to size! We love dirty laundry!” There truly could not be a better anthem for the end of this season. As much shit as I give this show, it remains one of my favorites on Bravo. Let us tune in to watch the unraveling of Eddie. And please forgive my lateness in advance as I had some other interesting posts to get up tonight. Do check them out as my laptop has decided it may just off itself before 2016 and all views are good views. And while I can sympathize with the concept, we really all must try to press on and I can’t afford to replace this bitchass laptop at the moment.
Eddie gets a montage of his lying to his girlfriend and his previous infatuation with Rocky followed by him treating her like a dick. Here is the rule Eddie, once you put your dick in someone, or even simply go along with a storyline that suggests you put your dick in someone, you cannot trash that person unless she has done something incredibly psychologically damaging to you, like oh I don’t know returning all of the sex toys you shared to the driveway where you live with your beleaguered wife. I mean, that’s just a random example that comes to mind. If you just decide it was a mistake, you keep your mouth shut and move on. It’s not her fault you can’t keep your dick in your pants.
Before the charter, Rocky sits Emile down and tells him that part of the reason things didn’t go anywhere with them is because “she and Eddie has like a little thing going on the whole time.” And now that she and Emile are close friends (and remain so to this day in real life) she wants to talk to him about how he is treating her. Emile is pissed that she was fucking Eddie. Emile points out that he has a girlfriend. Rocky says she really liked him ( actually she uses the elementary school phrase “like liked him” and thought he was broken up with his girlfriend. Emile encourages her to talk to Eddie about it. He had no clue. He is upset and hurt by Rocky. Emile is not enjoying this whole unburdening by Rocky. He says she is not the girl he thought she was. At the end of her venting she actually asks Emile for ” some skin” as in a high five or some sort of appreciation of her conquest. Emile is not forthcoming. Oh Rocky, I really wish you were coming back next season. But I really doubt we will be that lucky. After the fact, Rocky tries to keep Emile from talking. Rocky, the boy talks about his masturbation habits. Nothing is sacred.
Fun Fact: In order to attempt to avoid the embarrassment of this show, the yacht names are all changed. “Eros” is actually a boat called “Mustang Sally” according to TamaraTattles exclusive spies and unusually charters for $175,000 per week, It can normally accommodate eleven guests but while filming, the production crew takes over one of the double cabins and one twin cabin in addition to some of the crew area. The guests are given a deep discount and required to tip an amount previously negotiated in cash which befits the storyline. Except when Bravo and/or other folks are asked to participate due to lack of actual bookings. In that case, production covers everything. Allegedly. So I have been told.
The final primary is Vito a self made millionaire, and his business partner and a bunch of floozies. He likes Greek food and steak. The captain wants a beach party.
Holy Shit! I don’t understand this scene and I am only seconds in. Rocky and Eddie are sitting quite close to each other (I get it, they’re on a boat like the Old Spice dude, but still) eating and chatting. So scripted this makes no sense. There are plenty of places for them to move off to in order to avoid this situation. Why must everything be so scripted? Rocky asks if he is excited that the charter season is over and he says he cannot wait. She says “It’s been that bad?” and he says, “It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been easy.” Which is just what an easy girl wants to hear when the fling is over. Could he at least be polite? In his talking head, Eddie says that Rocky knew he had a girlfriend and she came on to him.” Then they run film of him reaching out to her and encouraging her to stay up late for some “stress relief.” #ShadeByBravo His teenybopper fans are not going to like this one bit.
Emile is furious with Eddie who seems to be flirting with Connie in an exterior meeting. Fun Fact: My exclusive TamaraTattles sources tell me that Eddie is crewing or a couple of yachts owned by the same guy at the moment. He’s just left one to go with the crew to pick up the newest acquisition by the wealthy owner. This kid is modeling and seeing the world in the grandest way possible. Who is the dumb one? Not him.
Next, we see an uncharacteristic fight between Emile and Connie. It’s like production just has to wrap up all the storylines on the last charter and didn’t think ahead to do it more slowly. Connie says, ” I understand why Rocky gave up on you because you really are a little bitch!” and Emile says, ” I know what the fuck I am doing, so why don’t you do your fucking job you whore!” To be fair to Emile. That was totally a post production Frankenbite. Actually, that whole scene was Frankenbites on both sides now that I rewatch. We did not see any of those words come out of their mouths as they filmed a normal scene of these two working their asses off.
More montage of Rocky being heartbroken ( Please) and ending with yet another shot of a side entry (heh) washing machine with an glass panel.
In one of the fakest scenes in history that appears to have been shot by some whole other production team, we get a scene with very tight shots of Rocky displaying her acting talent (not bad) and Amy trying to be supportive. This could have been shot on green screen, or on a set or in Outer Mongolia. It’s so bizarre. And by bizarre I mean fake as all get out.
Then after the break we return to the actual A roll. Kate and Ben fucking around in the kitchen. It’s cute. And real footage of them performing for the cameras on the actual ship.
Crap. The guests have not even arrived until now? I’m over recapping. But I promise you this is the most BIZARRE reenactment shit I’ve ever seen on Bravo and I have seen A LOT.
Dave is hot. Amy starts to dis the guests. I have a feeling this will be because the guests are not going to like Ben’s food. But what they girls like is Emile. Because he is way hotter on his Instagram than he is on this show. I’d love to go back in a time machine and be the same age as Emile, because I was definitely in his league at his age. And… he would have been perfect. I could have been and epicurean travel expert. heh. Emile is very popular with the ladies on a jetski. I’ve never
done it on been on a jetski.
Then men just want Ben to do it for them. You know, with steak and double baked potatoes. Ben is trying to get Kate to be kind to Rocky. Kate says that she earned $13k in tips (that does not include the Bravo salary) for her. She is pissed that Ben is trying to be kind to her. Kate looks really jealous. Ben says “so you’re just going to be a mean bitch?” Yes she is Ben. Why should she stop now?
Meanwhile, Eddie is lying to his girlfriend on a ship to shore call. We finally hear her voice. Is she finally being paid to be on board with the fake storyline? She asks about Rocky and if she has had anymore freakouts. Then she says that Rocky is now following her on Instagram. Eddie is stunned and girlfriend , Amy, has to ask if he heard her Oh now he is pissed. Or so the storyline goes. Of course Eddie calls Rocky a “fucking psycho.” Based on what I’ve seen of Captain Lee’s comments on the show, his comments at the fancypants reunion will be interesting. The girlfriend is clearly concerned about how cute Rocky is, telling Eddie, “I don’t think she is cute.”
Ben mocks Leon before service. Kate mocks the primary. In Kate’s defense (and Lord knows I hate to do that) The primary is an asshole. The women are fleeing from poor Vito and head to their cabins early.
Rocky attempts to tweet with Ben, but he will not engage.
Rocky loses her mind in front of poor young Emile. He doesn’t know what to do. He must avenge her! Cue production music! Rocky is a really good actress.
For the first time all season the charter guests hate the food. It was breakfast. Eggs and sausage. Hmmmm that never happened with Leon. They say if you can’t make an egg…
The :40 was a cute montage of Amy malapropisms for lack of a better word.
God this recap is taking forever.
Amy attempts to get the guest drunk on mimosas so they won’t care about bad food. Ben tries to give them lobster to make amends. It works.
No one cares about the guests. We are awaiting the crew blow up.
It’s a beach party on a remote island for the guest. Allegedly.
Emile wants Rocky to know he will stand up to the evil Eddie for her. His acting isn’t half bad either.
Rocky’s script is to either dive or get in the mermaid suit she so conveniently brought on board. She goes with the mermaid tail. And the Olympic worthy dive. She’s the best. The paid escorts are not having it. Neither is Kate. I love her. Maybe even in a lesbian way.
Rocky tells Amy she has been fucking Eddie the whole charter. Or as she says three times in the laundry room and one time in the restroom and they kept it totally under wraps. Amy asks for details and says the laundry room is a great place to do it. So many details. Amy says she “kind of hates her.”
Conveniently, Emile comes in to the bathroom with the two girls who are showering. Because, SCRIPT. This is increasingly ridiculous. Emile wants to defend Rocky’s valor. Amy wants to stop that from happening.
OMG! THERE IS ONE EPISODE LEFT! I MUST FAST FORWARD TO IT NOW! FUCK!