Heather Dubrow’s first show! She introduces herself and says her guests will be Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador from The Real Housewives of Orange County and promises “We will find out once and for all if Brooks has cancer and whether or not the girls have banded together to ice Vicki out next season.”
She then introduces her assistant, Natalie, who handles everything in Heather and Terry Dubrow’s World: Botched, New Botched, this podcast, skincare line, this podcast, their new book, and feeds the leeches when there are no customers. I might have added the last part.
Show will be about health, wellness, beauty, gossip, travel –she’s finally answering all our questions about packing!! Tweet or Instagram at #dearheather
Tamra and Shannon are in traffic and since it’s live she has to fill time by talking about herself via The Autobiography of Heather Dubrow. Super snoozers about her “acting career” which included her time acting on Divorce Court. (Which *mind blown* I cannot believe that it’s not real! Who are all those people divorcing over $345?? Apparently, actors.) Heather couldn’t get an acting job, so she’s pretending how she was an in-demand singer (at Disneyland), a wedding singer, and in the house band for…. The Nanny for 4 years. So, she was on the set of the Nanny everyday and instead of getting a job acting, she is trying to hype up her singing and “stand-up comedy career.”
She now talks about her failed stand-up career, which she claims “ended” slash never took off because “it wasn’t for her.” Sorry, if you’re funny and successful as a stand-up, it’s for you.
She segues into her life with the acting career where she rattles off all these shows and actors she “starred with” which supposedly ended because she was pregnant. (We aren’t supposed to have ever seen a tv star whose pregnancy gets hidden or written into a show?) According to Heather the knee-deep feces was a choice. Or maybe acting wasn’t for her?
Now, we get to a few years ago in her life where she has a bunch of kids and is a housewife. Since she had 11 nannies and the feces was taken care of, one night her and her rich helicopter friends were drunk and decided to open a restaurant. (Didn’t we see this?) Terry thought it should be a show. So, Terry was the fame whore on behalf of his wife -who really just wanted to clean feces if it wasn’t for these damn nannies that needed work.
They shopped the show to Evolution and shot some stuff that no one wanted to watch. Evolution offered them OC Housewives, but she said no because she’s a serious, accomplished ACTRESS. But Terry wanted it to happen so he forged her signatures on the contracts. Um. Then, Terry shows her the scene of Tamra throwing wine and Heather signed up because she thought it was a Christopher Guest movie. She literally claims to have thought the show was satire. Um.
Heather goes on saying this is the first season she was herself because the seasons before not having a script made her uptight. Because she’s sooo good with scripts as an “actress.”
Her assistant pretends to ask questions and chimes in about how real Heather is this season with her humor and joke cracking. (Did I miss this?)
It’s 15 minutes into the hour-long show and apparently Tamra and Shannon are still in traffic because she’s just rambling about how great this season was. Here comes the Brooks Truther tease…which we will get to later…
Heather starts talking about Brooks by herself, so she can wax poetic about her being “The Biggest Brooks Supporter” and how she texted Vicki the day she went on WWHL… Then, Vicki said on WWHL “No one reached out to her.” This is the second time she’s made this quote by Vicki in 35 seconds to drive home how NUTS it was she said that! For Chrissakes, Heather TEXTED her!
So, Heather was talking — “oh, by the way, this happened to be recorded by E”, and Heather said, “She just blew it with me, because I reached out to her!” AND SHE TEXTED HER! Blah blah blah, she’s always been a good friend.
18 minutes in, Heather’s still talking to her assistant who is pretending to be shocked by everything Heather says. Heather brings up Terry v. Brooks in the Case of the Traveling I.V. and also Doctor Cellulite, whose cellulite treatments don’t work. (Is this Libel?) She claims this Doctor violated HIPAA when Brooks called him. Doctor Cellulite told Brooks, who told Vicki, who told Tamra, who told Heather, about Heather being a patient and receiving cellulite treatments. The doctor also told Brooks that he was a cellulite doctor, not an oncologist. Heather’s lawyer wrote a C&D and the Doctor Cellulite is on probation.
Ooooh!! Here’s the only reason why I’m not regretting listening to and recapping this…. Doctor Cellulite’s lawyer wrote Dubrow’s lawyer back and said BROOKS ISN’T A PATIENT. HE’S NEVER TREATED OR SEEN BROOKS. (Let me be excited, I’ve been listening to the mundane Autobiography.) Anyway, Vicki and Brooks “dragging Terry and Heather into his treatments” gave Heather “the right to get involved.” (She says this through that annoying way people ask and answer their own questions. Did I want to get involved? Absolutely not. Did I feel I had the right to? I absolutely did. Is this annoying? Absolutely. Will I keep doing it? Yes, but I will throw in my Jewy shtick to try and get the Hebrew lols.)
Finally at minute 20, Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador (perhaps drunkenly) “schlep” in. (Told you.)
Heather teases the two topics again… more on that later….
Reunion recap: Heather is trying to rile them up. Heather admits to narcing Vicki out re: black penis strap-on slash custody loss right after it happened, in tears, at a sex party, whilst Tamra was probably comforting her, whilst Tamra was also probably wearing said black penis strap-on. (In case you needed the visual.) Now they are bashing Vicki and talking about how this isn’t a “Bash Vicki” segment. Now, Heather says Vicki shouldn’t have needed Xanax at the reunion unless she’s a liar and was nervous about lying. Tamra claims to have been in Vicki’s dressing room where Someone said Vicki took four Xanax and then Tamra witnessed Someone stop Vicki from taking the fifth. Allegedly.
Vicki supposedly contradicted herself from throughout the season, the reunion, and now– “she bought a binder, but never filled the binder”, “She wasn’t scared of him”, etc.
They pause the Vicki talk or they will run out of material. (They’d lose the listeners by talking about themselves at the end of the show instead of now.) They drone on about joint bank accounts and how they were all SO successful before they were married and made loads of money on their own. Especially Heather, because she was a successful actor, remember. Then they tried to real it in by talking about their peasant jobs. Well, everyone except Shannon who brags she’s always made a ton of money.
They start talking about the “shiksa”. The who? Oh, The Mistress who Tamra slash Joe Dirt yells, “You mean Nicole?!” And Heather gets scared she will be sued. Well, we all know the truth is the only defense to defamation, so how about don’t lie, mkay?
OMG. They are talking about Nicole’s audacity to show up to the SC game IN FRONT OF SHANNON’S KIDS! Um. That doesn’t make Nicole look shitty. That makes Shannon look shitty for yelling to the mistress about the affair in front of the whole stadium and IN FRONT OF HER KIDS. Let that soak in. Shannon defends the continuous involvement of her kids in the affair stuff as acceptable because they (maybe just the oldest) found The Text.
Shannon and Tamra are trying to make Nicole (Tamra purposely said Nicole’s last name) look like a stalker. She’s jealous. She copied Shannon’s hair. The SC stuff. Blah blah blah. No one’s allowed to be a blond, I guess. Or attend games at their own Alma Mater.
Back to Vicki and Brooks. They are saying Brooks came down with The Cancer immediately after he was caught with a stripper. They are saying Vicki knew from the jump he didn’t have it and at the reunion admitted she lied a month and a half before filming about his cancer for sympathy. Huh? Wonder why they didn’t air that juicy tidbit? Is it because they are referring to I.V. Gate and not the cancer diagnosis?
Tanra is saying Vicki lied about taking him to the hospital one night but then told Shannon she was home in bed.
Brooks’ stories about where/when he found out he had cancer also changed, and is maybe on tape. He told one person he found out at a bar, another at the office, and told Vicki when she asked about the stripper that he was in the E.R. and just found out he had cancer. (Obvi you can’t get that diagnosis in an E.R.)
O.M.G. Or should i say, O.M.Zzz. It’s I.V. Gate again. So glad there’s only 10 minutes left. Vicki already admitted to this shit, so I don’t care to hear about this shit for the 9th time in one hour.
Finally, a roll call of: “Will they film with Vicki next season?” They have never discussed this together, but they are going to now… (That’s supposed to be super suspenseful and exciting, in case you weren’t sure how to feel.)
Shannon says that Vicki’s lies… (Oh man, hold on. I have to laugh my ass off for a minute. Hahaha. Man, that was funny. Hahahaha. Okay, I’m ready.) Shannon says Vicki’s lies denigrate the authenticity of reality television. (I’ll let you catch your breath from laughter.) And she has a huge problem filming with her.
Sidebar: Heather says when they began filming Vicki was leaving early to sneak around with Brooks to eat lunch and whatnot and production said she couldn’t do that. They said Vicki had to film what was happening in her life. She was hiding him and the fact that she was with Brooks… NOT that he had cancer. Heather claims production told her they never asked Vicki and Brooks to disclose anything about his cancer. Um. Fish-sauce.
Tamra and Vicki aren’t speaking at all. Tamra blocked her on all social media (the horror!) because she’s tired of season after season Vicki bashing her by telling everyone to “watch out for Tamra” and that “Tamra will stab you in the back!” Tamra says, “Vicki GAVE ME that reputation!” Uh-huh. (Notice Tamra never answers the question.)
Heather: she’s very disappointed. Again, she and Terry were big supporters of Vicki and Brooks. But, because they ruin the authenticity of the show, she has no interest in filming with Vicki.
Secrets Revealed teaser! They are going to show them shopping for Tamra’s sex party! (Yawn. No, thanks.)
Catch Heather Dubrow’s World on http://www.podcastone.com every week and tweet or instagram questions at #DearHeather