Based on the title of this week’s Ladies of London episode, I can see that the ball jokes are going to continue all season long. And I’m good with that. I have much more popular things to recap in the pipeline today, but I am selfishly doing this show first despite the fact that you twatwaffles REFUSE TO WATCH DECENT PROGRAMMING WHEN IT IS PRESENTED TO YOU! Seriously, y’all are the reason we can’t have good shows on Bravo. Well, probably not y’all because you are reading this, but the other couple of million of you, are jerks.
Moving on, one of the reasons, I’m in a hurry to watch is because something is wrong with Tinky. (Annabelle’s Twitter name) and I want to know what it is. I’m the only one however because the rest of the ladies seem thus far too self absorbed to notice. Last week ended with Annabelle doing a very out of character read on everyone at the dinner table one by one. If you missed that click here. It was really odd. I’m worried about Tinky! I’m also kind of worried about the Americans who have been on their best behavior in Denmark. The whole cast has gone topsy turvy!
The ladies are checking out of their fancy hotel to head to the palace. We are going to a palace, y’all! I am so excited. But first, Caroline must have her makeup dude apply her face and exchange the latest gossip in the traditional Bravo way of recapping the previous episode. Caroline Stanbury says that Annabelle has had a lobotomy. That would seem a reasonable explanation. But then we get to learn a new bit of British slang! Caroline says that Annabelle has been “Po faced” which apparently means humorless and disapproving. Let’s all try to work that into conversation this week so that we can feel very intercontinental, shall we? Meanwhile, housewives of both coasts, aspire to reach the level of dignified cuntiness that Caroline Stanbury exudes so effortless. She’s like a cunt satchel role model for us all. The bar that we should all be grasping for as it were.
Okay. let me just stop right here. I’m rather disappointed in our mode of travel to the palace. Sure it’s a lovely van, as vans go. It has leather seats and champagne is flowing. But I am traveling with a Baroness to a CASTLE. My expectation was a Bentley limo with some sort of staff on board to pour my champagne for me! I don’t want to clamor in and out of a VAN for Christ sake.
The girls in the VAN are talking about Annabelle’s po faced behavior. Caroline Stanbury calls Julie pathetic for feeling self-conscious of her behavior based on Annabelle’s frequent criticisms. Where is Annabelle? Is she in the van? I mean won’t she hear them gossiping about her? Do they just not care? Oh she is there. And Annabelle can hear them. I thought maybe Annabelle had the decency to take a more respectable mode of transport. Caroline says in a talking head that Julie is everyone’s puppet. And she sets the wheels in motion for Julie to be the one to call out Annabelle. Don’t do it Julie ! Your a Lady!
I’m a bit disappointed in the lack of turrets and towers of the Danish castle, but the interior does not disappoint. And there is staff waiting at the door both indoors and out. I’m dying. The art is awesome and there is a stuffed polar bear and Juliet’s room has it’s own CHAPEL! Not like a tiny meditation room. Oh now, there is the whole shebang replete with pews and an altar and there is probably the Pope or someone behind the curtains to take Juliet’s confession. Though I’m not sure there will be time for that. Because, Juliet.
Sidenote: Why is the makeup dude petting Caroline Stanbury’s ass while he lies on a bed with her and Sophie?
There is some sort of a museum with all sorts of stuffed dead animals and a human shrunken head or two. Oh and the penis bone from a walrus. It’s incredible. Sadly, I can’t find any photos of the castle and I don’t have time to search for them. You’ll have to trust me. It was awesome.
It’s time for dinner, and I have to fix my own plate buffet style? Are we in Macon or Denmark. y’all? And shots of I think Absolut and beer at the dinner table? Are we in Waycross? What is going on here? Annabelle is still quite sullen. But she does sullen I the most beautiful way.
Then the conversation turns to Caroline Stanbury’s gossip about Julie and Annabelle in the van. There is much conversation about who is up whose ass between Julie and Annabelle. As Fleming chugs beer and does vodka shots at the dinner table, she calls Julie out for saying the word ass at such a formal occasion in her home. Stanbury points out that Julie is growing some balls. Annabelle is irritated by Stanbury’s not so covert cuntery. Caroline Stanbury appears to be doing the blow bite and blow with Julies who is out of her league in all of this. But her real target is Annabelle who she is quite irritated by lately. It’s an underlying battle over minions. Annabelle does an overly exaggerated yawn while giving Caroline the hand. You know as in, talk to the hand. Annabelle refers to Stanbury as a cow.
Fleming is irked that the ladies are late to their 10 a.m. breakfast. Fleming goes after both Stanburys in particular. Dire threats are made not to be late to dinner with her father.
Julie does a yoga exhibition for a polar bear.
Annabelle gets a distressing call from her sister and cries. Oh dear God. I should have know that Annabelle’s distress would be related to McQueen. Apparently a biography has come out that is less than flattering. However will Tinky recover from this? Le sigh. The tabloid header reads, ” He ws fawned over by the fashion world and awarded a CBE. But a new biography of brilliant designer Alexander McQueen reveals that, behind the glamour, lay a man prone to shocking depravity and cruelty. ” Oh my depravity AND cruelty. Do tell.
The two Carolines go to a mausoleum to visit Flemings dead mother and other deceased relatives. She’s sort of on the outs with her father. Probably due to her divorce.
Annabelle charms Caroline’s father and another man with hunting stories. Apparently, she was shot in the bum by an Arab Prince on a hunting expedition. Caroline’s father was once shot in the leg. They exchange fancypants stories and laugh and laugh.
Finally a dinner with some service and decorum. It’s really extravagant. I did find the placecards a bit lacking, but no one is perfect I suppose. The bigger issue was the gauche use clanging of stemware to gain everyone’s attention. Marissa is seated to Fleming’s right with her stepmother to her left. This must jar Stanbury’s preserves. I expect retaliation for that. Especially when Marissa stands and gives an elegant toast to the family on behalf of all the ladies. Oh yes, this will not be allowed to pass without retribution. Count on that.
Lest we dare end on a civilized note, after dinner everyone goes to the ballroom, or dance floor as someone crudely called it. For some reason Sophie and Julie are litereally rolling about on the floor in their fancy little black dresses. Sophie is wasted and so is ulie and they make a spectacle of themselves.
And thus ends the trip to Denmark.
Next week is the season finale! I’m kind of sad about that. I hope we get another season but we probably won’t. Because, twatwaffles.