It’s time for a new season of Vanderpump Rules and I could not be happier. I didn’t dig it much at first but you guys made me recap and now it’s one of my favorite shows. I’ll take anything above recapping another housewives show with menopausal women screaming and damning people to hell and yanking weaves. Really, anything. Even Jax. So let’s do this!
We start with a shift meeting lead by Lisa. Jax is in the middle of nose job number three. Lisa is worried that service is lacking because the tip percentage is falling. James was called out for something and immediately starts saying that he is DJing every night at Pump and Kristen comes in! Waaa Waaaah. Lisa reminds him that he is a busser at SUR first and foremost. We get a montage about Kristen and Tom, because Kristen is star of the show. Lisa decides to banish Kristen from PUMP and from SUR when the little British dingleberry is working. Tom Sandoval gets into a tiff with Lisa over whether or not he is working enough shifts.
Scheana says that married life is amazing. Well that is about to change. But first she is going to have a thirtieth birthday party for herself. It appears it will be 80s themed. Meanwhile, Katie fills Scheana in on the gossip that Stassi and her boyfriend no longer live together. I heard she was couch surfing on Kristen sofa during filming and then miraculous moved back in with Patrick after. He refuses to have anything to do with the show, because he is a normal person who should run from Stassi as fast as he can. 
Jax’s ex Carmen (she dumped him) still hangs out with Kristen and James who at this point are still together. Jax hates this. James gave Jax some info on a new guy that Carmen is with and as soon as James walks away he texts someone about it. Shortly thereafter, Kristen calls James and blesses him out for talking about Carmen to Jax. He tries to deny it but the damage is done.
Sandoval is pissed that he has to work four whole shifts in a seven day week because Jax decided to get a nose job. James is going to DJ for Scheana’s party because she and Mike are really close with him. Sandoval and Ariana are pissed that means Kristen will show up uninvited. Ariana is pissed at Scheana for not ditching Kristen because Scheana and Kristen are BFFs.
And we have our first view of the goddess that is Kristen standing around in the parking lot in some Daisy Dukes and a fugly t-shirt so that we can relate to her as a mere mortal. She and Jax are having a conversation but all I can focus on is Jax’s fucked up nose and wonder if he smokes crack when his nose is out of commission and he can’t snort coke, hypothetically. How would I know what Jax snorts or smokes.
In Kristen’s taking head, where she looks divine of course she tells us that she is in therapy and working on not being a psycho. NOE! KRISTEN NOE! You must stop therapy immediately! Therapy will RUIN you! And she also working on controlling her anger! Dear God, are they trying to ruin what little joy I have in my life? Surely, she stops going after three sessions otherwise this season if fucked!
Anyway, James comes out and argues with Kristen and James says she seems drunk. The little Harry Potter dude is ranting in British at our queen. He must pay for this.
Sidenote: There is currently a man hunt going on in my hood, cop cars with searchlights, and a pickup truck cop car. The fun never stops here. So I’m trying to stay alive long enough to recap which is taking much longer than usual.
Never we see Jax full frontal in the shower with a fairly small blur and gay men everywhere are screencapping their TVs. His mother has arrived to his apartment which is as neat as a pin and decorated as nicely as a gay man would decorate an apartment. I’m just throwing that out there. Also, he has stolen some champagne from Villa Rica to share with his mom. It’s a huge bottle. His mother refuses to use his fake name and calls him Jason. Scheana is turning 30, her mom is turning 50 and Jax’ mom is turning 60 all on the same day. So Jax and his mom are going to hang with Scheana and her mom.
The day after the parking lot incident James shows up at Kristen’s with flowers and an apology. James wants her to come to Scheana’s party with him as his plus one and for her not to cause any problems. Why is everyone trying to ruin my life.
When Scheana and Jax hang with their mothers at Villa Blanca Scheana is afraid to say anything because as she says who knows what lies Jax has told. Lisa Vanderpump sits down to join them. Then Scheana starts listing Jax’ current dating card. There’s Carter, there’s Kentucky… Jax interrupts to say that Kentucky (Britanny) is visiting on Sunday. This is going to be Jax’ main squeeze for filming this year. His mother is concerned she is moving in. I think she already has, actually at that time but was back in Kentucky for the derby or some such. I forget. Scheana’s mom is adorable. She calls Jax the puppy that pees on the floor but you can’t get mad at. Much discussion about how much Jax steals. Ironically, he will go to jail in Hawaii for stealing sunglasses later in the season. His mother basically says he has always been a whore and a thief.
The Toms go on a gay date to get Schwartz a perm for Scheana’s 80s party. He also has some nasty “chops” (Elvis sideburns). I’m not sure he gets the 80s. Schwartz tells Sandoval that he is ready to propose to Katie.
At the party, the Toms arrive on old fashioned roller skates and look like a gay couple from the1970s. Ariana looks like a fatter Twiggy from the 1960s in white Jackie O sunglasses and white go go boots. These people have no idea about the 1080s. Poor things. It was definitely the best decade in the history of mankind. Jax is someone from Grease and his mother is Audrey Hepburn. I don’t think there is a single 1980s person there. I am not going to recap any more of these stupid costumes. Oh wait, apparently you could dress up from any decade. Nevermind.
Jax came to the party with Carter, one of the people he is dating. Kristen arrives in a red hot (in every way) shorts jumper with a neckline to her waist and 6 inch hooker shoes. As she should. She looks amazeballs. She immediately starts trying to monitor James’ drinking.
Scheana actually admits that since she is married and now is turning 30 it’s going to be much harder to find reasons to be the center of attention. At least she knows she is an attention whore.
Lisa and Kristen have a conversation about Kristen says that the issue she has should be with James and not with her, but if it’s a problem for her she can spend $15 for one glass of wine in many other places. Lisa says it is effecting James’ job. Kirsten says it is James’ temper issues that caused his to throw a glass of wine while working. WHY MUST LISA PERSECUTE KRISTEN THIS WAY?
Jax’ mother is sitting at a table with a gorgeous view having her wine fetched for her and having the time of her life watching the madness in person.
Scheana still likes Kristen, because, of course! So Ariana is pouting and whining about Scheana being nice to Kristen. Oh hush Ariana, she did not want you to get hit by a plane! How would that even happen? Or a train. She wants you to get hit by a Mack Truck. You could perhaps survive that and just be grossly disfigured. Get over yourself.
Back in the DJ booth, James is plastered. Then he guzzles several cups of fireball. Like alcohol poisoning amounts. Kristen is trying to avoid him. Pretty much everyone except for Lisa’s son Max is very concerned for James. Sandoval takes off his pants and skates into the pool.
Next week: James is busted for going to fuck some chick from the party and Scheana is given an ultimatum regarding Kristen by Ariana.
As 70s cops, the Toms had the best costumes of all the guests. It wasn’t an 80s party. It was a decades party.
I hate that Kristen is in therapy. What would she be if she healed? Unemployed!
Yeah I figured that out mid blog and mentioned it Laura. But you’re right since the went for 70s the had great outfits.
Xanadude’s Quick Hits:
Oh VPR. So thankful the SURvers are back!instead of the Botoxed Banshees of the OC.
Raise your glasses high and take your penicillin!
Between his eye scar and the ominous music all Jax needs to do is twirl his mustache to make the change to Snidely Whiplash complete.
Everyone has raccoon eyes. You’d think if you were…up…for several days you’d know tomuse concealer. Coincidentally, MeanwhileMike Of Shahs has the same issue.
The more pain meds Jax takes the harder it is for him to play butch. Vicodin makes him Nelly. Grrrl.
Kristen knows what we want to see and gives it to us-2015 version of Melrose Place Sydney Andrews
Shay is the new Ken, forever shuffling behind his rise scented bejeweled wife.
All my flashbacks will now be tinted blue with just one piece in color, for accent.
Kristen’s boob tape was the star tonight for holding that red dress in place.
I miss the dancing Hispanic kitchen staff. I want them to have their own spinoff on Telemundo.
The kitchen staff was pretty awesome! I love you quick hits
Love your comments, so good!
“Botoxed Banshees” …. LMAO!! Your quick hits are always so good, especially the one about the dancing kitchen staff. I also loved that scene, and kept replaying it and laughing. It was the highlight of the season.
Funny recap.
I love how you love Kristen…. Everyone else is just boring. I love her because you cannot fake that kind of crazy!
I thought it was kind of boring, Kristen is the only interesting/mental one but I detest James! I can not watch a whole season of James getting wasted and still being boring just to keep a storyline for Kristen. I hate to say this but I almost miss Stasi just a teeny bit.
Bite your tongue. It’s the first ep set up for the season, and the VPR kids always bring it.
I believe that Shay may be the only male on VPR that Andy hasn’t slept with. Allegedly.
I do believe you may be on to something there…. Jax and Andrew semed pretty comfy last night on #WWHL. #JustSayin’
Sooooooo happy #PumpRules is back on! I’ve been waiting all summer for this! I have to admit Kristen looks friggin hot this season, as does Katie. Katie’s hair in on point. She looks great as well.
So much douchebaggery, so little time. Let the shenanigans begin!!!!
Yes, Katie finally has the right hairstyle that compliments how pretty she really is.
This recap was great, your sense of humor is the best (though I don’t know how you do it considering your side note). As usual, you rock!
I so love this show! I have missed it so much. The Tom’s kill me… I don’t even know what to say about them except they really need to be honest with themselves. Jax is just skeevy. I cannot wait for the madness that is Kristen
Tom and Ariana annoy the shit out of me. She’s a whiney drama queen, and he’s trying too hard – at everything.
Jax looks like an aging porn star, and what’s with that scar on his forehead? Lay off the booze and the steroids. His mother was warm and funny, though, so maybe there’s hope?
Kristen is still Queen.
Lolol squared. I’ve never seen one episode and never read your blog on it. I just set the dvr for the next showing. I’m going to safely assume this is yet another semi scripted bravo show, this cannot be real life.
LisaJ type Vanderpump Rules in my search box and read them all from the bottom up! 🙂
It’s Bravo trying to make it’s own version of The Hills kind of. It’s not to be taken seriously.
I’ve just spent 16 hours getting visual STD’s and laughing from your blogs. OMG nailed it with The Hills remake!!!!
Which is the reason we love it. The cast clearly are in on the joke (except maybe Stassi) and clearly don’t see this show as an end goal, but more as a first step, like acting on a daytime soap used to be.
We might have to go all Scientology on Kristen to get her out of therapy and back into her perfect crazy goddess self. Great update, TT!
Yes, TT — excellent post as always!! I love how you have Kristen on the appropriate pedestal. And please God, don’t let therapy work.
Your recap made me laugh so hard that after just viewing VPR I am still cracking up. I thank you! Kristen’s talking head in up coming show is awesome. “I AM THE BADDEST BITCH IN THE WORLD” BTW….BRAVO IS ANDY’S BROTHEL. Jax’s nudity was all for Andy boy’s pleasure.
Notice Kristin right behind Lisa in the photo above. Why? Because she is the star! I would love to see her knock Ariana and Tom down a peg. I’m praying that there is not a full season of addiction like the last RHOBH.
So obviously James needs to go AA. Kristen seems much better now. And Lisa is a moron if she is blaming Kristen for James’ drunken behavior. But then, she’s Lisa … detest Airiana and James. When will they stop making Kristen their story line? Arianna – Kristen has moved on. Deal with it.
Yay‼️
Time to beat the TomToms to welcome the arrival of my favorite twin man-babies—Sandoval and Schwartz. These 2 little cuddle koalas make me so happy. Especially after the Deliverance-inspired twinness of OC’s Ryan and Ryan company.
The Tom’s should consider marriage. They both have the same initials so in the event of an unlikely and sob-inducing breakup, the monogrammed towels would not be an issue.
On we go to We-Ho!
“Deliverance-inspired twinness of OC’s Ryan and Ryan company.”
The Toms are the perfect antidote to the Ryans!
And penicillin is the perfect antidote to the Toms!
?
Another nose job? He looked fine before his nose job. Is this what these shows do to a person? Is it body dysmorphia?
Thank you for the recap, really good! missed the show
I expect Jax to show up on an episode of Botched next season. His nose is already showing signs of being over-done a few too many times – the bridge looks like it’s collapsing and the whole thing looks like it’s spreading too wide.
Just want to add a comment about how young Scheana’s mother looks – she does not look 50 at all, and could easily pass for younger! Some really good genes for Scheana there. I also enjoyed seeing Jax’s/Jason’s mom for the first time – she seems down to Earth and ‘normal,’ for lack of a better word. I’m already tired of the Kristen/James’ storyline in this first show, but we’ll see…
50 is NOT old!
So wait no one is going to comment on Tom stripping down to his underwear? I honestly thought that was another costume! I think Lisa is of the opinion that Kristen is kryptonite and can destroy everything she come in contact with! Come on Lisa! She isn’t a Kardashian lol!
I didn’t know who was at the DJ table until I heard the British accent. James said in his TH that he was dressed up like a 70’s rockstar…….he looked like Carol Brady with brown hair……to my knowledge rockstars in the 70’s didn’t have bobs. I thought he and Miss Kristen WERE the show.
Oh God, YES!!! It’s back. I have been waiting for this night for MONTHS!
My thoughts — Kristin is still batshit crazy, she’s just gotten better at hiding it (for now). The Tom’s kill me with their manscaping and seriously a perm? All hail La Vanderpump. Ariana is so whiney, but in BFF solidarity, Scheana should be hating on Kristin.
I can’t wait for the rest of this season! Also, she hasn’t even showed up yet, and I’m already hating this LaLa chick… just from the commercials and the constant repeat of her name.
Scheana is the new Stasi, everyone is supposed to hate everyone she hates.
Such a great recap, so funny. Scheana’s 30th bday party with 80s theme, lord i have shoes older than Scheana Marie. That I still wear haha. I lived in a place with cops chasing idiots across rooftops, gunfire. Take care. And stay away from the windows
Was that really a nose job Jax had? Why did no one mention the messed up ear and the stitches on his forehead?
They did ask about his ear and he said they took skin from his ear and used it in his nose lol
Also, I’m pretty sure the scar on his forehead is from last season when he ran into a door when they were about to go on vacation.
I think Jax keeps getting his nose done so he can keep getting all those painkillers. Ariana looks terrible as a brunette, she looked 20 years older. Kristin looks prettier this season. That James really pissed me off the way he talked to Kristin, who does he think he is all of a sudden? I hope she dumps him soon. She should start dating Lisa’s son, I think it would be amazing, then she could become Lisa’s daughter-in-law, imagine the spin-off..