It’s time for a new season of Vanderpump Rules and I could not be happier. I didn’t dig it much at first but you guys made me recap and now it’s one of my favorite shows. I’ll take anything above recapping another housewives show with menopausal women screaming and damning people to hell and yanking weaves. Really, anything. Even Jax. So let’s do this!
We start with a shift meeting lead by Lisa. Jax is in the middle of nose job number three. Lisa is worried that service is lacking because the tip percentage is falling. James was called out for something and immediately starts saying that he is DJing every night at Pump and Kristen comes in! Waaa Waaaah. Lisa reminds him that he is a busser at SUR first and foremost. We get a montage about Kristen and Tom, because Kristen is star of the show. Lisa decides to banish Kristen from PUMP and from SUR when the little British dingleberry is working. Tom Sandoval gets into a tiff with Lisa over whether or not he is working enough shifts.
Scheana says that married life is amazing. Well that is about to change. But first she is going to have a thirtieth birthday party for herself. It appears it will be 80s themed. Meanwhile, Katie fills Scheana in on the gossip that Stassi and her boyfriend no longer live together. I heard she was couch surfing on Kristen sofa during filming and then miraculous moved back in with Patrick after. He refuses to have anything to do with the show, because he is a normal person who should run from Stassi as fast as he can.
Jax’s ex Carmen (she dumped him) still hangs out with Kristen and James who at this point are still together. Jax hates this. James gave Jax some info on a new guy that Carmen is with and as soon as James walks away he texts someone about it. Shortly thereafter, Kristen calls James and blesses him out for talking about Carmen to Jax. He tries to deny it but the damage is done.
Sandoval is pissed that he has to work four whole shifts in a seven day week because Jax decided to get a nose job. James is going to DJ for Scheana’s party because she and Mike are really close with him. Sandoval and Ariana are pissed that means Kristen will show up uninvited. Ariana is pissed at Scheana for not ditching Kristen because Scheana and Kristen are BFFs.
And we have our first view of the goddess that is Kristen standing around in the parking lot in some Daisy Dukes and a fugly t-shirt so that we can relate to her as a mere mortal. She and Jax are having a conversation but all I can focus on is Jax’s fucked up nose and wonder if he smokes crack when his nose is out of commission and he can’t snort coke, hypothetically. How would I know what Jax snorts or smokes.
In Kristen’s taking head, where she looks divine of course she tells us that she is in therapy and working on not being a psycho. NOE! KRISTEN NOE! You must stop therapy immediately! Therapy will RUIN you! And she also working on controlling her anger! Dear God, are they trying to ruin what little joy I have in my life? Surely, she stops going after three sessions otherwise this season if fucked!
Anyway, James comes out and argues with Kristen and James says she seems drunk. The little Harry Potter dude is ranting in British at our queen. He must pay for this.
Sidenote: There is currently a man hunt going on in my hood, cop cars with searchlights, and a pickup truck cop car. The fun never stops here. So I’m trying to stay alive long enough to recap which is taking much longer than usual.
Never we see Jax full frontal in the shower with a fairly small blur and gay men everywhere are screencapping their TVs. His mother has arrived to his apartment which is as neat as a pin and decorated as nicely as a gay man would decorate an apartment. I’m just throwing that out there. Also, he has stolen some champagne from Villa Rica to share with his mom. It’s a huge bottle. His mother refuses to use his fake name and calls him Jason. Scheana is turning 30, her mom is turning 50 and Jax’ mom is turning 60 all on the same day. So Jax and his mom are going to hang with Scheana and her mom.
The day after the parking lot incident James shows up at Kristen’s with flowers and an apology. James wants her to come to Scheana’s party with him as his plus one and for her not to cause any problems. Why is everyone trying to ruin my life.
When Scheana and Jax hang with their mothers at Villa Blanca Scheana is afraid to say anything because as she says who knows what lies Jax has told. Lisa Vanderpump sits down to join them. Then Scheana starts listing Jax’ current dating card. There’s Carter, there’s Kentucky… Jax interrupts to say that Kentucky (Britanny) is visiting on Sunday. This is going to be Jax’ main squeeze for filming this year. His mother is concerned she is moving in. I think she already has, actually at that time but was back in Kentucky for the derby or some such. I forget. Scheana’s mom is adorable. She calls Jax the puppy that pees on the floor but you can’t get mad at. Much discussion about how much Jax steals. Ironically, he will go to jail in Hawaii for stealing sunglasses later in the season. His mother basically says he has always been a whore and a thief.
The Toms go on a gay date to get Schwartz a perm for Scheana’s 80s party. He also has some nasty “chops” (Elvis sideburns). I’m not sure he gets the 80s. Schwartz tells Sandoval that he is ready to propose to Katie.
At the party, the Toms arrive on old fashioned roller skates and look like a gay couple from the1970s. Ariana looks like a fatter Twiggy from the 1960s in white Jackie O sunglasses and white go go boots. These people have no idea about the 1080s. Poor things. It was definitely the best decade in the history of mankind. Jax is someone from Grease and his mother is Audrey Hepburn. I don’t think there is a single 1980s person there. I am not going to recap any more of these stupid costumes. Oh wait, apparently you could dress up from any decade. Nevermind.
Jax came to the party with Carter, one of the people he is dating. Kristen arrives in a red hot (in every way) shorts jumper with a neckline to her waist and 6 inch hooker shoes. As she should. She looks amazeballs. She immediately starts trying to monitor James’ drinking.
Scheana actually admits that since she is married and now is turning 30 it’s going to be much harder to find reasons to be the center of attention. At least she knows she is an attention whore.
Lisa and Kristen have a conversation about Kristen says that the issue she has should be with James and not with her, but if it’s a problem for her she can spend $15 for one glass of wine in many other places. Lisa says it is effecting James’ job. Kirsten says it is James’ temper issues that caused his to throw a glass of wine while working. WHY MUST LISA PERSECUTE KRISTEN THIS WAY?
Jax’ mother is sitting at a table with a gorgeous view having her wine fetched for her and having the time of her life watching the madness in person.
Scheana still likes Kristen, because, of course! So Ariana is pouting and whining about Scheana being nice to Kristen. Oh hush Ariana, she did not want you to get hit by a plane! How would that even happen? Or a train. She wants you to get hit by a Mack Truck. You could perhaps survive that and just be grossly disfigured. Get over yourself.
Back in the DJ booth, James is plastered. Then he guzzles several cups of fireball. Like alcohol poisoning amounts. Kristen is trying to avoid him. Pretty much everyone except for Lisa’s son Max is very concerned for James. Sandoval takes off his pants and skates into the pool.
Next week: James is busted for going to fuck some chick from the party and Scheana is given an ultimatum regarding Kristen by Ariana.