I’m getting a late start because I have been working on a RHONY post all damn day and y’all probably won’t even find it that interesting. (Though I hope you do.) I think I might be subconsciously procrastinating to avoid recapping this crap. I’m going to try be invested in this post. I doubt I will be swayed away from Vicki’s side at this point. These women are just way over invested in hurting Vicki.
We started with some gross enema crap, then moved on to Heather has a great big house. I was bored and started doing some back end work and forgot I was supposed to be recapping right up until the part where Heather says she has two frozen totsicles. AKA fertilized eggs that they are not going to use. Andy immediately wants to buy them. They are Jewish totsicles and they have a doctor for a daddy. I have not doubt that Andy is serious as a heart attack. I imagine good Jewish eggs are hard to find. I’m serious.
Right after the first break we return with Jim Edmonds on the couch sitting right new to his special friend Andrew. He looks very nervous. Andy makes a joke about how in all of his years as a Cardinals fan, he never expected to see him on a reunion couch. Well, he is an idiot then, because this is the second wife Jim has tried to get on RHOOC and he seemed hell bent to keep on marrying women until Andy found one he liked. What a different season we would have had if the original baseball player had not had an ill-timed drug relapse and Jim got called up from the bench with that shrew he married in the third round draft pick.
Basically, Jim tries to say that what we see on TV “isn’t really him.” They play a long montage of stuff with Jim and his oncologist wife and in the scenes where Meghan is clapping back at Vicki, Tamra and Meghan just laugh and laugh at her behavior, but when they show Jim being an asshole, he looks mortified, like he wants to crawl under the sofa. View question, ” If my husband every told me to zip it he’s be sleeping in the garage . I think he treats you like a child. Why do you let him get away with it? ” Meghan says she doesn’t. No one believes this. Jim says a lot of it is what it is. He says we filmed a lot and I was tired. He tones things down in front of Andy as opposed to WHAT HE SAID HERE the night before in a St. Louis interview.
Andy asks Jim is he told Brooks that two out of four months of their marriage had been challenging. Jim sort of stammers around and starts to say he hardly talked to Brooks. Then Vicki jumps in and says that as it turns out she misspoke. When she told Brooks about the argument she had with Jim and Meghan and the porn party, or whatever it was, Brooks clarified and said it was not two months, it was two occasions. This sets the Nancy Drew enthusiast off on a barrage of insults calling Vicki a liar. Vicki again tries to clarify. But Meghan is ready to get shit started.
Heather wants to take a shot at Vicki next. She brings up a conversation she had with Vicki at the same porn party leaning on the bar watching new Christian Tamra dancing in a black lace body suit with a large black dildo bobbing between her legs in front of national TV cameras. Heather said Vicki said about the situation, ” No wonder they’re taking her kids away.” Which is not what she said, but if she had said it, it would make perfect sense! Heather is going to take a bad friend jab at Tamra because Tamra is the worst parent in the world and Vicki notices from time to time? Thankfully, Bravo played the bobbing black dildo scene for us complete with subtitles of what Vicki said, just in case her kids were not damaged enough the first time or Simon’s DVR jammed before he could record it for the next custody battle. What Vicki said was, ” I don’t think her kids are going to like this. She pretty much lost custody of one, she doesn’t want to lose two more! ” Then Heather laughs and says ” Don’t say that!” WHY NOT? Someone needs to explain to Tamra why she is not going to have custody of the other two kids and help her to stop lying about it being about Simon being a dick. It’s about HER doing stupid shit like WEARING A DICK on national television. This is not good parenting. Heather reams Vicki out as if Tamra is her best friend. Heather and Tamra have cried about the Sidney situation blah blah blah. Shot of Meghan making a very sad face as if she even knows these people. Meanwhile, nice work Heather bringing it up on TV AGAIN so her kids could get another peek at their mother’s dick. They won’t let Vicki get a word in edgewise. So she just says, “I’m sorry about that.” I need whatever Vicki is on because she has zero fucks to give about this reunion.
Then Andy says that is the same night Vicki said that Jim and Meghan’s marriage wouldn’t last five years. BTW, just last weekend was their one year anniversary. I would have lost money in the board betting pool on that, I never thought they would make it that far. If were Vicki I’d just say, ” Why am I being nailed to the cross like Jesus for being a truth teller, Andrew? Tamra’s shitty parent and Jim and his beard can’t stand each other. WHY AM I TO BLAME FOR MENTIONING THE OBVIOUS?” But battle weary Vicki under some serious sedation just says, ” That was wrong to say, I was mad. I was irriated by the Brooks coments . I saw Jim treating Meghan badly and it just didn’t look like a marriage made in heaven.. It was wrong to say. It was my opinion at that time.” Shannon jumps in and defends the Edmonds. Jim says if it was a guy you would grab them around the neck, but if it’s a girl, you just ignore it. Meghan says that it really hurt Hailey’s feelings. THE FUCK? Why would it hurt Hailey’s feelings? Jim left her mother for Meghan. Meghan is insane and thinks Hailey likes her better than she liked her own mother. Andy asked if Meghan signed a prenup. Meghan says it was all her idea to protect the children and so she would not look like a gold digger. Jim says if Meghan wants a kid he supposes he could shoot some sperm into her.
Oh it’s time for David’s affair. This will be Vicki’s fault too. David’s affair started on the second day of filming and she thought the weirdness was just because she was filming. We get a whole montage of Shannon’s whining and David’s asskissing. Their marriage is just peachy now. Blah, blah, blah. That segment ends with Tamra telling Shannon to stop making excuses for David, she is the victim, not him. Really? Somebody needs to tell Shannon it’s time to put down the damn cross because Jesus, or maybe Vicki needs the wood.
Shannon said she’s not making excuses. Heather talks about how she had lunch on camera and then went to meet some other women for her real luncheon in the same restaurant. She went in there and they were all talking about the affair. Shannon says she knew who the woman David was cheating with was, and one of the women at that lunch texted Nicole (the mistress) under the table and Nicole called David, who called Shannon while she was filming with Tamra and that is when Heather was sure it was Nicole. WTF does that have to do with anything? Why is Heather admitting she was gossiping with other women about David’s affair before Shannon even knew? How come Heather isn’t getting the Vicki treatment? Then Heather ends it with “Shame on them!” as if she had no part in anything whatsoever.
Shannon says that she doesn’t think airing all of her dirty laundry is harmful to the Beador girls. She says she is teaching them you don’t have to leave your husband if he cheats on you. THE FUCK? The girls have bigger smiles on their faces now that their parents are happy and they love to sit down and watch the show. Meghan thinks this is great parenting too. This is the parenting twilight zone.
OMG! Now Shannon is saying that they have recently seen her (Nicole) publically and she had no emotion. Again, she has seats right below theirs at the USC football games. Shannon freaked the fuck out over her just two days ago. But two or three weekends ago she remain cool as a cucumber. Shannon is a huge liar McLiarface. Even Heather and Tamra call her on this. I think Vicki is dozing off. I’m serious. Each time I pause the DVR her eyes are closed. Shannon says she has maintained her integrity this entire time and has never called her. Andy fakes her out with, great so let’s bring her out!
Ugh, Brianna the shit stirrer is on the couch. She starts right off insulting Oklahoma. Brianna found out about Brooks moving in on Thanksgiving Day when she saw a video online of an interview they did together. Vicki says this is the first week she has spent in her house alone. She doesn’t like it. Vicki says they broke up over something that happened in Miami. THIS IS I BELIEVE because that was the last thing they did together and then the next thin you know Brooks has dumped her. Her family was down there and I think that was an issue. See post about the final trip here. In every version of the breakup they agree that Brooks broke up with her. Vicki says she probably would have dragged things out because they both had come to the decision that they were not going to be together long term. Vicki says the main thing was that the situation with Brianna and Brooks was never going to be mended. Actually, all of this sounds exactly like what Brooks said in this interview.
Vicki says that Brianna is her priority. Andy asks Brianna if she felt like Vicki’s priority lately. She says no. Because she is a cunt. Because her mother gets on a plane and flies to fucking Oklahoma pretty much every six weeks and buys her a car and spoils her children and calls her every day, but that is not a big enough priority because Vicki has a boyfriend with cancer and a mother who just died and another son in Orange County and runs a business and films a reality show which she always gets the ungrateful piece of shit a high paying role on but she can’t allow her mother the courtesy of dating whoever the fuck she wants. She’s a horrible daughter and it’s pretty much Vicki’s fault for spoiling her and not setting boundaries. Brianna says that Vicki told her “You have your life I have mine” as if that was some sort of child abandonment. THE NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES AND HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES! THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
Brianna, who has been around Brooks FIVE TIMES IN HER WHOLE STUPID LIFE is not saying that Brooks would do something terrible when her mommy was on the other side of the room and she didn’t know whether to even tell her or not. TELL HER WHAT? What exactly do you need your mommy to handle for you,, you ignorant bitch? Brianna says that Brooks hit on her at he mother’s birthday party and she told Vicki and Vicki didn’t believe her and said he would never want her. Meghan hisses “Thatsssss ssssoooo messssed up!” Tamra jumps in to say that Brianna called her because she was so humiliated and degraged and it was a big deal to her. ONCE AGAIN! WHY DOESN’T BRIANNA HAVE HER OWN LIFE WITH HER OWN FRIENDS TO CALL WITHOUT CALLING HER MOTHER’S FILMING PARTNER? This is all smelling like bullshit to me.
Okay this horrific thing that happened to Brianna according to Tamra is that Brooks wanted to show Brianna his dick. Come on now. I can see Brooks making the Girth Brooks joke but for all of this to happen, Brianna would have to be standing there talking to him. She gives us no indication of what she said, Most women know how to side step the identifiable creeps in the room. In the middle of a birthday party did they somehow get paired off together somewhere private? Did Brooks track her down to say, “Hey, I know it’s my girlfriend’s birthday party and everything, but I’d really like to show you my dick!” I tend to believe Brooks responded to some insult Brianna threw at him by saying , ” You couldn’t be more wrong, about that. They don’t call me Girth Brooks for nuthin’ Do you need me to prove it?” And Brianna running to her mommy saying Brooks was trying to show her his dick. I don’t believe a damn thing Brianna says.
Meghan says she got a two page cease and desist from Brooks. Brianna says he is threatening to sue her too. I hope he does.
They show a bit of Brooks interview with Andy. Andy asks why Brooks refused to go to the reunion. Brook claims he had a scheduling conflict with work. I don’t believe him. I wish he would have just said he’s had enough all the cunts. Andy asks why they broke up. He says that when he moved in in October, the went to counseling to try to figure out how to reconcile the whole “Brianna issue” and it was during that counseling that he determined it could not be worked out. Andy asks if he blames the show. He says no, he blames the women, and Brianna. He said the constant conflict was the deal breaker. They show the coven including Brianna with outraged expressions.
Andy says that Brianna says that her brother Michael is the only one that gets along with him. He says that is not true. He gets along with Vicki’s Brother, her sister and her brother in law (all of whom were in Miami). Brianna is screaming and carrying on back on the couch. Brooks says that Brianna seems to be projecting onto him with a lot of her accusations. Especially about wanting Vicki’s money. Brianna says she makes six figures an ER nurse. Is that possible or is she counting the money Vicki provides for her through Bravo? She says her mortgage is $1,100 a month and she can cover that on her own! Wow this is a way different story than I live in Oklahoma and work three jobs while raising young children.
The episode ends with Brianna telling everyone that she spent hours on the phone with Vicki’s mother the day before she died and they trash talked Brooks together for an hour. That’s sweet.
Next week: The dramatic conclusion. Everyone takes a whack a Vicki and beats her to a bloody pulp.