Tonight, on Teresa Checks In, the final episode will be a trip to visit Teresa in prison. But first Gabriella is trying in vain to keep Milania in line. Juicy Joe is not much help basically just asking her what is wrong with her over and over. Milania thumbs her nose at both of them and hops on to her pricey pink ATV and zips away leaving Joe and Gabriella to clean up the mess she made by the pond. Joe manages to drop his phone in the pond. Gabriella who is furiously trying to fix everything and be both mother and wife, quickly informs Joe that he has to put it in rice. Joe spends forever trying to recover the phone. Eventually he puts on waders and tries to scoop the phone out with a net. This is of course poinless, and I’m not sure we actually saw the phone go in. So it’s possibly just storyline so that they can show Gia videoing everything going on and emailing it to her mother. Besides, all they would need to do is take some stolen funds from under the mattress and buy a new one. It’s clear their standard of living has not decreased at all.
Speaking of their standard of living, the Giudices and the Gorgas are headed “upstate” on vacation. They are apparently going to the Catskills where they went in the early seasons of RHONJ. Juicy Joe’s dad used to go with them.
Teresa did not approve Melissa to visit. Teresa’s odd attorney does a talking head about prison visitation.
Things get a bit sentimental at the house in the Catskills. We get our first phone call from Tre while they are there. Tre says it is very hot
in hell where she is today. Then after making sure the girls are outside she announces that according to the other inmates, after you are there for a certain amount of time, you turn into a virgin again. Joe Gorga and Melissa wax poetic about how vaginas might magically tighten up in prison. Teresa says that lots of girls have homeade dildos there, but she doesn’t. They are illegal and frequently confiscated. I’d hate to have the job of prison dildo confiscator. Because, EWWW! Why are we having this discussion?
Later they make homemade pizzas in an outdoor pizza oven, Rosie shows up just in time for more wine and pizza. There are literally gallons of wine being drunk. Juicy Joe appears to be double fisting it.
Okay, I usually don’t understand why y’all hate Melissa so much but she is doing a talking head saying things like, “I hope Teresa is reprioritizing her life” and “I bet she has a long time to think in there” and “I’ve been in the family for almost 11 years now. We need to agree to be family.” All of that is true but it sounds bad to hear her say it like that on TV. Then Rosie says pretty much the same thing and it sounds better. Juicy Joe admits that Teresa doesn’t want to see Melissa.
Joe had mixed feelings about going to see his sister. He says he misses the old Teresa that wasn’t so blinded by money and material things. Um, that’s pretty much pot talking to kettle. OMG! I totally remember this place now. It’s a Giudice property and the built a cute little Catholic chapel on it. I remember the last time they showed this with Teresa. The family goes there to pray on their last morning. Juicy Joe leads a little prayer for Teresa. Then Gia tries to lead the Lord’s prayer but she is the only one who knows it. Which reminds me of that time that the girls had no idea what the nativity scene was all about that Tre bought for the house. When they asked Tre, she barely knew what it was either. But it was expensive I’m sure, and that is what is most important. They conveniently get a call from Tre while in the chapel. Joe tells Tre the kids don’t know a single prayer. She says when she gets home they are going to church every Sunday. Joe points out that they can’t do that now because they visit her on Sundays. Tre says she has learned in prison that you can just talk to God whenever you want. It’s amazing how religious the prison population becomes once they are actually in prison. Milania seems to be the most affected by the phone call. That part was really sad.
Juicy Joe and Gia have a talk. Joe basically says she is not pulling her weight Gabriella does it all. Gabriella does all the laundry and household chores. Gia seems to think she is put upon enough having to do her own laundry. But the talk ends on a good note.
The outtake at :40 minute mark shows Milania shaving Juicy’s back while the two discuss taxes. Clearly, Milania knows more about taxes than Juicy as she just learned about them in school. Juicy calls it “that green bill.” If he knows what color the bill his, why hasn’t he paid them. Then he says, “Sometimes you would just fill out an application for a loan and you would get money.” The fuck? It’s not his fault he got money when he filled out a loan form? I’ve never in my life accidently filled out a loan form. In fact the only one I ever filled out was or my student loans. And guess what, Joe, here’s a concept, I paid them back because that is how loans work. It’s not free money. Joe says “Those days are gone, but whaddagonnadoo?” Jesus. Then Milania says she wants to try to be a nurse but she’s not that smart. What have they done to this little girl who at age ??? eight maybe she has decided she is not smart enough to be employable. Milania says she wants to be a nurse so she can take care of her parents when they get sick when they are old. Gabriella refuses to believe her parents will get sick. Milania talks about how she sticks up for her sisters at school.
Joe rides his bike to the meet the weird attorney guy for lunch. It’s kind of hysterical and totally scripted as Bravo would have sent a car or the lawyer could have picked him up. This guy apparently negotiated the Bravo contracts for Joe and made sure to include extensive air time for himself as part of the deal. The script has the attorney point out that this is a return to the scene of the crime where Teresa flipped the table seven years ago.
The dude tells Joe that they are chipping away at the restitution they owe the courts. They owed $414,588 in restitution to the federal government. Lawyer dude makes it seem like they are paying back civilians and banks that they are owed. That is not what is being paid first. The government always takes all the pie they want before anything else gets paid and Uncle Sam wants $414, 588. Teresa paid back $200,000 herself before going into prison. The lawyer says the Giudices are “in good standing with the government as it pertains to restitution. ” Then he talks about the balance owed. Teresa will be on home confinement (NOT house arrest) when she comes home. That means she will only have to be home by a certain time at night. Joe says the lawyer better make sure she does not violate and return to prison. The lawyer makes the comment, “If that were to happen I’D be the one running to Italy!” Wow, what dumb thing for the attorney to say.
The attorney asks Joe what he has learned. Joe says, ” You know what I’ve learned? I’m going to do things the right way. I didn’t know I was doing them the wrong way in the first place.” Dear God, we are never going to believe that people falsified W2s and swore that they were real estate agents or candlestick makers and made up an income and signed the documents without knowing that was wrong. Give up the “however did this happen to us” bullshit. Both of you.
It’s time to go visit Teresa. Joe says that growing up with Teresa they were both goody two shoes and never got in any trouble because they were so afraid of their dad. He never in a million years would have expected to visit her in prison. On the way up the girls try to educate Joe on prison visitation rules. Part of me thinks the only reason Teresa is going to let him visit is because Bravo demanded it. Milania says someone snuck in a phone and took pictures of Teresa. The inmate that tried to take a photo got sent to the medium security lockup. Gia says they went to county jail but that is not true. I forget what they call the part of Danbury that is not Camp Cupcake but the real deal. But that is where she went. I’d look it up but I’m already over half an hour behind.
After the visit, we see Milania first. The look on her face says it all. It’s heartbreaking. I am worried about her more than anyone. Joe talks to us in a talking head and says, “We were brought up as a family that never cried. I never saw my dad cry, I never saw my mother cry. Growing up nothing broke me, but this broke me. I’m helpless. I couldn’t help her.” He says he cried for the entire first hour. Tre grabbed his hand and said, “It’s okay. I’m okay.”
Joe says at first the place wasn’t intimidating at first until he saw the place that Teresa walked out of. It was hard because he saw that his sister was back there “like some chained animal.” Joe says Tre broke down and held her. He says he felt like he saw the old Teresa from seven or eight years ago. Tre’s mom said she was more upset than usual today. She cried which doesn’t always happen.
We end with a lovely dovey phone call between Joe and Teresa.