I am so far behind in getting started on Real Housewives of Orange County tonight. Someone is trying to make my brain explode and it is TOTALLY WORKING. I have a long night of work to do and I shall do it spitting nails up to the part where I finally get drunk during the Shannon and David fiasco on WWHL tonight. Please save your comments on that until I get the post up. Let’s see what happens now. I hate everyone at the moment.
I hate the sight of Briana’s stupid face. How is Ryan there. What does he do in the military exactly? I’m going to need Meghan to investigate if he is actually in the military and if they actually have no friends in Oklahoma and while she is at it run a background check on the dude and call all of his exes to find out if he beat any of them. Briana and Ryan mock Vicki’s house saying that the house smells and feels bad now that Brooks lives there. HERE WE GO. Briana is huge. And I hate her. I can’t with her right now. Vicki takes her abysmal woman-child she created and her asshole of a huband and their spawn to a petting zoo. Michael, her normal son is there too.
Despite Vicki flying to godforsaken Oklafuckinghoma 14 times in 12 months, allegedly. Briana says that Vicki chooses Brooks over her because she doesn’t want to be alone. Briana is seriously the only married adult woman who I have ever heard say ,”WHY DOES MY MOMMY CHOOSE HER BOYFRIEND OVER ME?” The fuck? Did you not choose your husband over your mommy when you moved to OKLAFUCKINGHOMA with your husband? Is your mother not allowed to get laid by someone who clearly actually does have a golden dool ? There has to be some reason she stays with him when everyone in her life gives her shit for it on the daily. Meanwhile the whole crew is riding a train on a very short circular track. Vicki wants off because she is getting a “circle jerk.” Briana, who is an expert on circle jerks apparently, explains to her mother what that is.
Oh look, David and Shannon are going to do marital counseling on the air. And more crying. I can’t. I may be fast forwarding through Shannon scenes without watching just like I do the cunt satchel. Sorry not Sorry.
Later, Shannon buys the girls organic makeup out of guilt.
Wait! Why are we not counting bathrooms at the mausoleum in this Heather scene? She’s in a restaurant with Shannon and they supposedly have not seen each other since the Aires party. Which means this is a scene filmed at the end of the season to cause drama. And then we cut to another scene entirely. Why? Because apparently we are going to have ten seconds of this scene and ten seconds of Vicki and family at the petting zoo. Back here, Tamra shows up saying she is in a state of depression. And while it pains me to say anything nice about anyone right now, Tamra’s hair looks the best it has ever looked. If she was going for angelic pre-baptismal hair, it worked. He issue is that Tamra now has a joint account with Eddie. This is totally an end of the filming season scene where they rehash the season. They talk about the ingredients in Heather’s skin care line and talk about how it has resveratrol, which totally means her face cream cures cancer.
Tamra says Brooks cancer has spread. She launches into the Pet Scan story. Heather says it is suspect that they showed the results to Tamra. Shannon starts talking shit about Vicki. By the way, Shannon has better lighting than the other two and looks really pretty. Was that in her contract? Tamra says she is supposed to talk to Briana.
Shannon picks this golden moment in time to tell Tamra and Heather that David had an affair? Are we really supposed to pretend like she has not been screaming it from the mountain tops for MONTHS? The fuck, Evolution Media? She goes through the whole story. Heather knew the whole time. Hell everyone knew Shannon told the LAST SEASON.
If I had a kid and my best friend went to have lunch with said kid to shit talk my partner, I would no speak to my friend or the my kid anymore. I’m just saying that is me. If I was dumb enough to ask my friend to talk to my kid fore me, I wouldn’t talk to myself anymore. Why would anyone ask Tamra to moderate a family issue? Did I mention that Briana is eating her feelings? I would not normally mention someone’s weight but she is clearly unhappy. Briana said when she first met Brooks he said that he had pancreatic cancer. I just want this stupid shit to end. I don’t care if he does have cancer or if he doesn’t have cancer and he lied at this point. I already know there will be no resolution and THANK GOD they broke up so we might have a normal season next year. I can’t with this.
Time for Tamra getting baptized. Vicki is pissed at everyone and Brooks is not coming. Because he has cancer. He doesn’t need the drama. Vicki tells Tamra she will leave if the bitches start shit.
Tamra gets a professional glam squad to come do her up for her baptism, as everyone does. Because you really need to tart yourself up to be baptized.
Meanwhile on the way to Tamra’s baptism Shannon decides to give herself her first home enema. Because that makes sense. RUN DAVID. RUN! So she broke the nozzle off in her ass. Thus she can’t go to the baptism. Really? This was the best excuse she could fake for not having to see Vicki? Oh wait. David fished it out. But it wasn’t really there. But Parents of the Year, Shannon and David made sure to tell their daughters that their father went fishing around in Shannon’s poop shoot to look for the enema nozzle. These girls are all going to be serial killers.
I am so sick of the is Brooks ill or is he not. NEWSFLASH: If someone tells you they have cancer, you don’t question that, you offer support. If you do have doubts, unless they are asking for money, you CONTINUE to offer support. You dumb bitches.
I am SOFA KING over this storyline! And it continues next week because EVEN AT A BAPTISM, they can’t stop harassing Vicki!