It’s time for Ladies of London! But first my laptop can’t keep up this pace so I have to shut it down and start over. I think I need a laptop upgrade AGAIN. Okay. I had to get the laptop a cool down break. What a wimp. Oh and I really want to actually watch some of this episode because it is Christmas, and I want to see on the decorations in London! So this will take a bit longer than usual.
And just like that, Christmas is over. 🙁 But Annabelle and Julie meet at some gorgeous place for coffee. Julie is going the Bethenny route and selling her balls. Like some sort of energy balls. They are called JUB which stands for Julies Unbelievable Balls. Did I mention she is selling balls? /heavy sign Can she just sit down and drink some tea and be royal? Oh that’s right. She is trying to save Downton Alley. I mean Mapperton. Because they are poor royals. Or something. I don’t get it.
Annabelle on the other hand is hawking children’s books. About feelings. All kinds of big fat feelings. Apparently, she is working through some childhood issues. She was in therapy a lot as a child. She wants to help children understand their feelings. I can’t believe no one else ever thought about writing children’s books about feelings. Oh. Wait. I literally have hundreds in my office five feet away.
Marissa and her hbby are looking at a new restaurant location. Matt says it looks grim and it needs to be gutted. I think it is adorable. It does need a whole new kitchen though. And there are apparently plumbing problems. Marissa is opening up a organic hot dog stand with milkshakes and fries. I wish I could try one of each right now. Oh wait. There are dead things in the basement.
Julie does a bit of yoga with Juliet. Immediately after, Julie feels relaxed and peaceful and Juliet starts bitching about other people. I really need to get back into doing yoga. There is just no reasonable place to do it around here. Julie and Juliet are planning for New Years Eve. It will of course be at some private club that only Juliet is a member of because clearly this backbiting between Marissa and Juliet will be a season long story arc. Juliet is going to invite everyone because
it is a producer driven story and she has to it is the right thing to do.
Caroline Stanbury may or may not really understand that her business is essentially going to fold in less than six weeks. She meets with Rania her assistant to get an update on the Christmas sales figures. Should she know that information herself and be the one telling Rania? It’s her company. I understand the concept of delegation, but I would think she would know on a weekly basis at the least what the numbers look like for a company that sells gifting services. Caroline tells the camera that while she thought she had six months worth of money to move forward, she now has three. Three weeks is about what she really has. Rania tells Caroline that she comes across as if she doesn’t care about the business. Wow, Rania has balls bigger that JUBs. Caroline starts justifying why she is such a bitch rather than why her business is failing. Caroline says that there are people who want to see her fail. She says people think she was handed the company. Hmm, why would they think that? She goes on about how she built it from her home and then in a dank garage behind an alley tirelessly doing everything. Rania stares blankly. If that were true, wouldn’t Caroline know she was about to go belly up?
Julie talking about her JUB balls is driving me insane. Like when people say ATM machine. The second balls is redundant. Just like the second machine is redundant. They are either JU balls, which would sound terribly anti-Semitic, or they are JUBs. They are not JUB balls. Moving on.
Julie is currently peddling her balls by pedaling around London to random gyms and studios. She wants to meet with an investor but first she wants to talk to entrepreneur extraordinaire, Caroline Stanbury for some sage advice on what
not to do. Caroline is quite keen on telling people what to do. Julie tells us that what she really wants is for Caroline to boost her self confidence. Fat chance. On her way over, Caroline is already mocking Julie’s balls to her makeup artist. She has her makeup artist with her as she is chauffeured about in a large Mercedes vehicle of some sort. On wonders where the money for all of this is coming from and how she isn’t needed in her office today.
They meet at some bakery to talk about Julie’s business. Before they even start, Caroline tells Julie that she is not smart enough to get around London on bicycle as she has been. I don’t think Julie is going to get the self-esteem boost she was hoping for here. I do understand why Caroline thinks there are so many people who would love to see her upcoming failure. I don’t think she keeps many friends.
Before we go forward, I’d like to suggest that we go with Julie’s Untouchable Balls, it’s stills JUBs but then we could have the slogan and advertisements around the phrase, “Don’t touch my balls!” Moving on. Caroline is glad that Julie is hiring a managing director because, “Clearly, you can’t be the brains of the operation.” Caroline actually does give her some decent financial advice. And then excuses herself to go back to work, because her makeup artist is outside waiting on her.
The ladies all check into the hotel that is apparently a private club or near a private club? The brit producers don’t give away nearly as much promotional time to the shows promoters and I can rarely catch the names of the places they go to.
Everyone has a friend or a husband at the party except for Julie. She is worried she will get lost in the shuffle. At the party, everyone looks amazing. I love Juliet’s dress. After a quick toast in Café Royal, they go to the club for a private diner. It is very posh. Sidenote: Why am I recapping like I am British? These bitches are rubbing off on me!
Matt, Marissa’s husband mentions that they are in the place that he met Marissa for the first time, twelve years ago. It’s very romantic. Countdown until Juliet has a hissy fit over Marissa making everything about her.
But first, Caroline Stanbury shares with us that Juliet is trying to social climb with Caroline Fleming. She says that everywhere she (Stanbury) goes, she knows the own and Juliet knows the bus boy. Stanbury really is just an ugly person. She is offended that Juliet has temporarily removed her lips from her ass because she thinks that the Caroline with Danish royalty ties is a better ladder. Ask Marissa about that, Caroline. That is precisely what happened with those two. Juliet just needs you until a friend with better connections comes along.
So it’s New Years Eve and everyone is getting plastered. Julie is no exception. She starts shouting, “WHO IS COMING TO YOGA WITH ME AT 10 a.m. Tomorrow?” Stanbury tells her straight up that no one will be doing that on January 1st. In fact it is likely already tomorrow. But Julie persists in yelling at everyone including Juliet, America’s national treasure! It’s all coming back to me now calling Juliet America’s national treasure last season and her loving me. She has already expressed her deep hatred for me this season. So sad. But wait. Fleming has decided to go to yoga with Juliet. She passes down her phone so she can see a photo of her doing some sort of backbend pose on a hilltop. Suddenly, Fleming and Juliet are taking off their shoes and having some sort of yoga contest right in the dining room of the posh private club. As one does I suppose, if membership has it’s privileges. Anyway, they did a headstand in formal dresses. Stanbury again digs at Julie for taking much longer to get up into full pose. Marissa joins in with Stanbury laughing at Julie. Drunk Julie leaves to cry and Annabelle goes to console her.
Annabelle tries to get Stanbury to console and apologize to Julie. Stanbury says that she thought the whole thing was a joke. Stanbury has a point. It is funny to see two grown women in evening wear do some sort of synchronized yoga routine at the end of the dinner table. Stanbury knew she was being a bitch but the headstand thing was funny as hell and everyone was laughing.
Julie is a crying drunk. She even admits that she pointed out that Fleming got into pose first. This is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen housewives fight about. Stanbury’s husbands suggest they all go dancing. They all go out and watch the people below in Picadilly Circus. Marissa and Juliet high five because, at least they are not fighting. One thing about Juliet is that she truly appreciates the experiences she is having in London! She seems much happier when her husband is there. I think that is half of Julies problem is the fireworks are going off and she has no one to kiss. But everyone is kissing everyone. Well, the women are all kissing each other at least.
At this point the all go in to party and everyone is well and truly drunk. Stanbury has put on a onesie and brought onesies for everyone. She has done this as a subtle dig to Marissa who usually has a theme with hats or costumes for every event. Stanbury assigns everyone a an animal onesie. Of course Juliet complains about hers. She wants Stanbury’s onesie, which is a unicorn. Because, Our National Treasure.
Juliet’s husband is lying on a couch refusing to get into his onesie so Stanbury stands up on the couch straddling him and needling him for lack of participation. She begins to ram him in the head with her unicorn. Julie is taking pictures with a camera as Juliet’s husband seems at best indifferent about the fact she is amping things up for Julie’s camera.
Juliet busts in and says “Did you just straddle my husband???!!!! That is crossing the line!” Stanbury says, “Your husband said he loved it!” And Juliet loses her head, or at least the mama Panda head to her onesie and throws it a Stanbury’s head.
To be continued…..
Next time: Next week, the drunken party concludes, we meet Fleming’s grandmother, Marissa gets a write-up on her new hot dog restaurant in the paper with a pictured of her holding a hot dog, Stanbury’s business continues to slump, and Juliet’s next battle opponent appears to be Julie.