It’s time for Ladies of London! But first my laptop can’t keep up this pace so I have to shut it down and start over. I think I need a laptop upgrade AGAIN. Okay. I had to get the laptop a cool down break. What a wimp. Oh and I really want to actually watch some of this episode because it is Christmas, and I want to see on the decorations in London! So this will take a bit longer than usual.
And just like that, Christmas is over. 🙁 But Annabelle and Julie meet at some gorgeous place for coffee. Julie is going the Bethenny route and selling her balls. Like some sort of energy balls. They are called JUB which stands for Julies Unbelievable Balls. Did I mention she is selling balls? /heavy sign Can she just sit down and drink some tea and be royal? Oh that’s right. She is trying to save Downton Alley. I mean Mapperton. Because they are poor royals. Or something. I don’t get it.
Annabelle on the other hand is hawking children’s books. About feelings. All kinds of big fat feelings. Apparently, she is working through some childhood issues. She was in therapy a lot as a child. She wants to help children understand their feelings. I can’t believe no one else ever thought about writing children’s books about feelings. Oh. Wait. I literally have hundreds in my office five feet away.
Marissa and her hbby are looking at a new restaurant location. Matt says it looks grim and it needs to be gutted. I think it is adorable. It does need a whole new kitchen though. And there are apparently plumbing problems. Marissa is opening up a organic hot dog stand with milkshakes and fries. I wish I could try one of each right now. Oh wait. There are dead things in the basement.
Julie does a bit of yoga with Juliet. Immediately after, Julie feels relaxed and peaceful and Juliet starts bitching about other people. I really need to get back into doing yoga. There is just no reasonable place to do it around here. Julie and Juliet are planning for New Years Eve. It will of course be at some private club that only Juliet is a member of because clearly this backbiting between Marissa and Juliet will be a season long story arc. Juliet is going to invite everyone because it is a producer driven story and she has to it is the right thing to do. 
Caroline Stanbury may or may not really understand that her business is essentially going to fold in less than six weeks. She meets with Rania her assistant to get an update on the Christmas sales figures. Should she know that information herself and be the one telling Rania? It’s her company. I understand the concept of delegation, but I would think she would know on a weekly basis at the least what the numbers look like for a company that sells gifting services. Caroline tells the camera that while she thought she had six months worth of money to move forward, she now has three. Three weeks is about what she really has. Rania tells Caroline that she comes across as if she doesn’t care about the business. Wow, Rania has balls bigger that JUBs. Caroline starts justifying why she is such a bitch rather than why her business is failing. Caroline says that there are people who want to see her fail. She says people think she was handed the company. Hmm, why would they think that? She goes on about how she built it from her home and then in a dank garage behind an alley tirelessly doing everything. Rania stares blankly. If that were true, wouldn’t Caroline know she was about to go belly up?
Julie talking about her JUB balls is driving me insane. Like when people say ATM machine. The second balls is redundant. Just like the second machine is redundant. They are either JU balls, which would sound terribly anti-Semitic, or they are JUBs. They are not JUB balls. Moving on.
Julie is currently peddling her balls by pedaling around London to random gyms and studios. She wants to meet with an investor but first she wants to talk to entrepreneur extraordinaire, Caroline Stanbury for some sage advice on what not to do. Caroline is quite keen on telling people what to do. Julie tells us that what she really wants is for Caroline to boost her self confidence. Fat chance. On her way over, Caroline is already mocking Julie’s balls to her makeup artist. She has her makeup artist with her as she is chauffeured about in a large Mercedes vehicle of some sort. On wonders where the money for all of this is coming from and how she isn’t needed in her office today.
They meet at some bakery to talk about Julie’s business. Before they even start, Caroline tells Julie that she is not smart enough to get around London on bicycle as she has been. I don’t think Julie is going to get the self-esteem boost she was hoping for here. I do understand why Caroline thinks there are so many people who would love to see her upcoming failure. I don’t think she keeps many friends.
Before we go forward, I’d like to suggest that we go with Julie’s Untouchable Balls, it’s stills JUBs but then we could have the slogan and advertisements around the phrase, “Don’t touch my balls!” Moving on. Caroline is glad that Julie is hiring a managing director because, “Clearly, you can’t be the brains of the operation.” Caroline actually does give her some decent financial advice. And then excuses herself to go back to work, because her makeup artist is outside waiting on her.
The ladies all check into the hotel that is apparently a private club or near a private club? The brit producers don’t give away nearly as much promotional time to the shows promoters and I can rarely catch the names of the places they go to.
Everyone has a friend or a husband at the party except for Julie. She is worried she will get lost in the shuffle. At the party, everyone looks amazing. I love Juliet’s dress. After a quick toast in Café Royal, they go to the club for a private diner. It is very posh. Sidenote: Why am I recapping like I am British? These bitches are rubbing off on me!
Matt, Marissa’s husband mentions that they are in the place that he met Marissa for the first time, twelve years ago. It’s very romantic. Countdown until Juliet has a hissy fit over Marissa making everything about her.
But first, Caroline Stanbury shares with us that Juliet is trying to social climb with Caroline Fleming. She says that everywhere she (Stanbury) goes, she knows the own and Juliet knows the bus boy. Stanbury really is just an ugly person. She is offended that Juliet has temporarily removed her lips from her ass because she thinks that the Caroline with Danish royalty ties is a better ladder. Ask Marissa about that, Caroline. That is precisely what happened with those two. Juliet just needs you until a friend with better connections comes along.
So it’s New Years Eve and everyone is getting plastered. Julie is no exception. She starts shouting, “WHO IS COMING TO YOGA WITH ME AT 10 a.m. Tomorrow?” Stanbury tells her straight up that no one will be doing that on January 1st. In fact it is likely already tomorrow. But Julie persists in yelling at everyone including Juliet, America’s national treasure! It’s all coming back to me now calling Juliet America’s national treasure last season and her loving me. She has already expressed her deep hatred for me this season. So sad. But wait. Fleming has decided to go to yoga with Juliet. She passes down her phone so she can see a photo of her doing some sort of backbend pose on a hilltop. Suddenly, Fleming and Juliet are taking off their shoes and having some sort of yoga contest right in the dining room of the posh private club. As one does I suppose, if membership has it’s privileges. Anyway, they did a headstand in formal dresses. Stanbury again digs at Julie for taking much longer to get up into full pose. Marissa joins in with Stanbury laughing at Julie. Drunk Julie leaves to cry and Annabelle goes to console her.
Annabelle tries to get Stanbury to console and apologize to Julie. Stanbury says that she thought the whole thing was a joke. Stanbury has a point. It is funny to see two grown women in evening wear do some sort of synchronized yoga routine at the end of the dinner table. Stanbury knew she was being a bitch but the headstand thing was funny as hell and everyone was laughing.
Julie is a crying drunk. She even admits that she pointed out that Fleming got into pose first. This is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen housewives fight about. Stanbury’s husbands suggest they all go dancing. They all go out and watch the people below in Picadilly Circus. Marissa and Juliet high five because, at least they are not fighting. One thing about Juliet is that she truly appreciates the experiences she is having in London! She seems much happier when her husband is there. I think that is half of Julies problem is the fireworks are going off and she has no one to kiss. But everyone is kissing everyone. Well, the women are all kissing each other at least.
At this point the all go in to party and everyone is well and truly drunk. Stanbury has put on a onesie and brought onesies for everyone. She has done this as a subtle dig to Marissa who usually has a theme with hats or costumes for every event. Stanbury assigns everyone a an animal onesie. Of course Juliet complains about hers. She wants Stanbury’s onesie, which is a unicorn. Because, Our National Treasure.
Juliet’s husband is lying on a couch refusing to get into his onesie so Stanbury stands up on the couch straddling him and needling him for lack of participation. She begins to ram him in the head with her unicorn. Julie is taking pictures with a camera as Juliet’s husband seems at best indifferent about the fact she is amping things up for Julie’s camera.
Juliet busts in and says “Did you just straddle my husband???!!!! That is crossing the line!” Stanbury says, “Your husband said he loved it!” And Juliet loses her head, or at least the mama Panda head to her onesie and throws it a Stanbury’s head.
To be continued…..
Next time: Next week, the drunken party concludes, we meet Fleming’s grandmother, Marissa gets a write-up on her new hot dog restaurant in the paper with a pictured of her holding a hot dog, Stanbury’s business continues to slump, and Juliet’s next battle opponent appears to be Julie.
I read everything I can about British royals because that culture is so foreign to my American way of thinking. I watch this show for the same reason. Having Americans in it is like finding a spider in your bathtub (which I did today. I threw water on it and it pretended to be dead for a few hours. Yes, it was too big to pass through the drain thingie. Then boom, came back to life. So I threw hot water on it a bazillion times. After work it was still playing dead so I left it for another few hours. I’m not going to be stupid and fall for it’s charade and try to pick it up with a HUGE wad of toilet paper and have it jump on my face!) So anyway, I really hate the Americans in this show. It’s not Juliet’s fault that Chicago has THE most annoying accent on the planet but she IS representing. And where is Marissa from? Her voice is from hell also. Seriously. Oy I’m not kissing up to you Tamara, cuz yer from the South but I have to say, a southern accent is from Heaven. Fannie Flagg is my all time favorite author and comedian. I’m being unusually verbose and I’m blaming that fricking spider.
I’m with you JeJune. Are we really that annoying? I know Caroline comes across as a bitch, but can you blame her? Just look at these women and the way they behave! Ew.
Sidenote: Finding a spider is good luck. You’ve been blessed.
Use windex for spiders (and wasps).
Sorry, but Juliet doesn’t speak with a typical Chicago accent. No doubt from her time in LA, she’s picked up a nasal Valley Girl whine. Lady Julie is also from the Chicago area, but she has a Midwestern accent that is completely different from Juliet’s. What you hear on SNL and other shows when they want to lampoon Chicagoans is a very exaggerated South Side accent. Most people in Chicago don’t talk like that or say “Da Bears”.
Julie acts like living in the Chicago burbs was like living in the middle of know where while in reality she was just a short distance from an amazing city.
I love Caroline and her snarky comments.
Well, let’s be happy that Juliet wasn’t from the Bronx or Joysey!
I’m from Jersey. Most of us don’t really really talk like that 🙂
I also have an annoying accent – the flat, nasal California tone – and I hate it. I would at least take speech lessons were I to be on TV. I agree, she’s representing!
TT, your whole blog sounded British in tone, but I think it’s unavoidable. When I went to New Zealand I found myself referring to dishes as “crockery” on my very first day. It’s contagious!
Marissa’s from California.
Loved seeing more of the husbands. Anabelle’s children’s books & revealing childhood history was moving & explains her personality. 20 psychologists by age 8 reminds us the boarding school horror stories and their impact on adulthood are high societies best kept secret.
Poor Julie’s father-in-law had an equally horrific childhood perpetrated by nobility that’s coming out now. Annabelle says England has stayed quite behind the times. Isn’t the Prime Minister in the midst of some Oxford frat scandal too? Lots more going on behind closed doors of those posh private clubs.
I’ve read some of the stories about the deceased Earl of Sandwich and his son, Robert Montague (brother of the current Earl, whom we’ve seen on the show). and they are indeed horrific-he claims his father raped him daily for years and he was further abused at boarding school. Very sad story.
Calling it: Juliet and her husband’s marriage is nearly over. Which is why she is hypersensitive to anyone stradling her husband.
Juliet will freak out about anything, as long as it gets her more attention. She exhausts me. Although I’m enjoying how quickly she turned on Caroline S now that she thinks the Baroness is her new (royal) BFF.
It took me so long to read this. I had to keep stopping to think who is Juliet, Julie and the 2 Caroline’s. That really makes it confusing LOL! The only one I really recognize on sight is Caroline Stansbury. Wait – she is the bitch from last year right? All uppity up?
I was so sure Stanbury was the cow & Flemming the unicorn
Just rewatched it was Stanbury. I guess I was hoping it was Flemming so the brown nosing could go away and hilariously make a fight between Flemming & Juliet. Damn. I just can’t wait for the inevitable “everyone tells Juliet where to stick it” scene. It’s already one season overdue already.
Haha! Good one, Kim Sawyer! Caroline S. Is quite the pretentious beeotch, isn’t she? I never really understood all the love for her last season.
And last season I really didn’t like Juliet, but I do like her more this season. I think it was Micheal who is predicting a divorce there, but I don’t know… I think they seem well matched. He is pretty stable, seems like a good, solid guy. She is a bit flighty and kooky. This also pretty much describes my marriage and I think we blend quite nicely. Opposites work well together.
I feel badly for Julie. Biking all over London to sell her health balls. Seems like the pressure is on her. And I do agree, she needs to rename those! It doesn’t flow at all.
I liked Caroline’s sarcastic wit and insight into the so called upper classes last season (if I remember right) but she’s just becoming an unlikable twat waffle this season. Your friend is drunk. You have been making digs about her lack of brain power and other abilities for says, and sure, the final straw was a silly one, but jeez… apologize sincerely. I have said things that I didn’t think we’re a big deal, but have been genuinely sorry that it touched a sensitive nerve. Julie has a kind heart, and I think it is awesome that she bikes everywhere.
Marissa is brilliant in her hot dog idea. London is so metropolitan and big on international foods (wish there was the equivalent of Harrods food court around here!) Don’t remember anything distinctly American though. I also don’t think she’s as much of a social climber as Caroline makes her out to be. I think it bothers Caroline that Marissa and her husband have success in their businesses, and that Marissa is comfortable being silly and American born.
Oh… a friend of mine is a city planner/preservationist who lived and worked in London for a few years. The upkeep of places like Mapper ton is astronomical, and very difficult for families wishing to hang on to their estates. It is a concern ad it can mean the loss of some of their historical sites and for lack of a better term, a way of life that was the foundation of British society. I have to wonder why Juliette and her family don’t move there permanently, but perhaps schooling and her business opportunities are better in London, and maybe her husband still has business interests there as well. I th ink she’s admirable for attempting to save it.
Love your recap!
While channel surfing I got stuck on the Christmas scenes and am rehooked on this show ???
I can’t handle the JUB balls either. The redundancy makes me CRAZY. A customer stopped into my office about an hour ago and said she would be back at 10 a.m. in the morning. UGHHHHHH. It’s not like I would even be here at 10 p.m. in the morning. End of rant.
Where do you work? ” The Department of Redundancy Department”?
?
In addition to the name redundancy, isn’t “Julie’s Unbelievable Balls” kind of an awkward, icky name for something one EATS? Doesn’t sound very palatable to me, but I do wish Julie success as she seems to be such a hard-working, sweet person. I checked into the website for the Hotel Cafe Royal because it looked familiar – think it’s where Dorinda & Carole stayed on RHONY. It’s a five-star hotel in the heart of London that houses several bars, restaurants and event spaces. The least expensive room is £390 per night (about $600, too rich for my blood)! Lord only knows how much a private membership (a la Juliet & husband) would cost.
I love this show!! havent seen last night’s ep yet, but i do have some questions about gift+library. Caroline S. business partner is supposed to be her very good friend Gorga Ashkenazi- a super (self made) billionaire Kazahk/London socialite. Plus her husband Cem and her father are both hedge fund millionaires. So how on earth did her businesses fail with so many powerhouses in her corner? If she needed to get a quick influx of cash to keep from going under because someone pulled out I’m sure daddy or hubby would happily float her a personal loan or at the very least hire some very capable managers to make sure she does not fail, while she plays at being CEO ( which it sounds like exactly what she was doing). sigh, if i had 1/10th these powerful people in my corner I could finally get my side hustle off the ground and it would not fail. Some ppl never appreciate how lucky they truly are.
Exactly my thoughts – of course she has family money to fall back on, so she hardly took any great risk starting Gift Library. I just feel sorry for all the employees who lost their jobs before Christmas (unlike Caroline).
Caroline is jealous of Julie because Julie is Julie, Lady Hitchingbrooke and Caroline is Mrs. Stansbury. Caroline may be a member of the landed gentry, but Julie, a mere American from Sugargrove IL, will always out rank her. I like Julie. She works hard, lives with in her means, and doesn’t act snobby.
Julie may have the title but i really think she got the short end of the stick. When we first met her, it seemed like she had it all. The glamorous life, title, living in a fab estate. but now so far this season, it looks like she is barely hanging on to her sanity by her finger nails. Her husband has the Mapperton excuse, and she is left 3/4 of the week looking after all 4 kids and the house all by herself. The Viscount doesnt seem to be overly involved in the raising of the kids or how the house is run. By extention to me, he views her as the help…. with a ring. she is running around making herself ragged trying to be all things to everyone… its Not his fault. Aristocrats/rich folks don’t know how things get done, they just expect them to be magically done. if she needs someone to come in and clean two days a week. im sure he would be more than happy to secure that.
There might not be any money to pay household help.
I enjoy this show — the London ladies are a refreshing change. They have a different kind of snarky. I only wish the editing wasn’t so frenetic when it comes to the city scenes. I really wanted to see more, especially as beautiful as London looked decorated for the holidays.
I’m really enjoying this show because I just visited London for the first time. Loved it. I found the people to be friendly, capable, and they had a sort of laid back, but urban, sophistication. The food was better than I expected and public transportation is excellent. Also, all of the museums are FREE 🙂
I like the show. Caroline S. is a dilettante with her business venture, which isn’t surprising coming from such vast wealth. Her ancestor founded a huge company similar to Birds Eye and Heinz. The American women are really annoying because they are so clueless about social graces and manners. Embarrassing for those of us who were raised to use good manners and taught our children as well. ouch.
I don’t know if it is because I traveled internationally a whole lot as a kid or what but I have a tendency to respond to people with foreign accents in the same accent. It is embarrassing because I fear they will think I am mocking them, but it just happens.
As soon as I cross the Mason Dixon line, I think I am southern. That accent is so easy to pick up… Rolls right off my tongue.
I do that too. We lived in Wisconsin for four years and I came away sounding like an extra in the Fargo movie. Then when we moved to Memphis, I sounded like I was right out of a Carson McCullers novel. Now that I am back in Los Angeles, I have my old valley girl drawl.
It does seem that Stanbury is jealous of Julie being the lady of Mapperton, this “Yankee.” Stanbury digs Julie for doing the headstand, saying it is so gauche in this private club, but it is ok for Sanbury to straddle Juliet’s husband in a onesie? Really? Oh, and I think Stanbury looks like a frog in a blond wig.
I love Schweedy Balls, that is all I could think about….
If any of the American’s were facing the same dilemma that Caroline was facing with her business- this show would take an entire different direction.
Caroline is a rock star.
Puhhhleeese. Caroline is a multi- millionaire who does not seem to have any idea, or care to have any idea, about what is going on in her own business. Nor does she seem to give a fig about her beleaguered looking employees who will lose their jobs. A rock star? More like a crock.
Unbelievaballs.
Julie’s Edible Balls! JEB! (sorry Bush supporters)…I need to stop…Thanks for the great recap, TT! I love this show. These women are so funny and silly and LONDON!!
Wait, I’ve watched the whole season and I feel like I’ve missed 3,episodes! I can’t get anybody straight except for (Carmen with rose in mouth) Annabelle and Caroline Stanbury. I know the dark haired one with horrible clothes is either Julie or Juliet.But what happened to Lady Mapperton in the Famous Mapperton Garden and Lord Mapperton admiring Annabelle’s shotgun prowess? Did they get moved to assisted living? Is it America yoga teacher who is drumming up funds for it? Just go visit that Vanderbilt heir in North Carolina and see how he manages to live BuiltMORE than you Carnegie-Rockefeller-Frick! and still own it while the public visits for tours and very expensive Tudor style Christmas dinners in the dining room as big as the queen’s. How did we end up in onesies at a hotel, and why was the Jule-something girl from Chicago furious at Stanbury “humping” her husband when those two diaper areas in the onesies never got any closer than 4 feet? And this is an aside true not only in London but all across the fair isle–ALL English women have HUGE, NATURAL boobs, and they’re beautiful, and real and I don’t care how boarding school ruined your life, you have huge natural boobs so that cancels out boarding school damage. But why was this a fight, and who was a cougar, and why was this an international incident? Well I really liked Lord and Lady Mapperton (old English gentlemen seem like such bores and boors until you remember they won the Battle of Britain)
and I’m worried they’ve been trundled off to some moldy group Home Whipped By The Wind By The Sea Til You DIE place.