Tonight’s theme on Dancing with the Stars is “Hometown Glory”. Okay, then. Glory be. To the highest.
Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess
First up is Nick Carter. Nick is from Tampa, Florida. He tells us that his old neighborhood was full of dysfunctional families and his old block had plenty of “bad kids”. Insert Florida joke here. I used to go to Tampa on business 3 or 4 times a year, and I have to say, even for the vast wasteland that is the Prison Peninsula, Tampa has very little “there” there. So I guess I’m saying: what a bland place to be from. Although…there IS (or was) a very good steakhouse near the airport that had a to-die-for Steak Tartare. I’d finish up my day’s meetings, roll over there, get my tartare at the bar, then roll into the airport and on to my flight out. Good times.
Next we meet Sandy Karl, Nick’s favorite teacher from back when, whom he credits with getting him to come out of his shell. So I guess we can all thank (or curse) Mrs. Karl for unleashing Nick Carter onto an unsuspecting public. Nick explains that he has chosen the song “The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B” to dance to this week because it seemed that that was the song all the dance troupes performed to back then. I guess there’s a dance teacher in Tampa with a very limited music library.
Nick and Sharna do a Jive in white costumes that are evocative of costumes that are reminiscent of military uniforms, and to my untrained eye, do pretty well. I mean, yes Nick slipped a tiny bit at one point, but he and his partner look pretty evenly matched and professional; not like some of the other couples who are clearly a pro and an amateur. I’m a little preoccupied though…Nick has kind of a big ass and it’s not at all unattractive. Hm.
Time for the judging: This Carrie Ann Inaba is harsh. Oh, is she supposed to be the Simon Cowell of the bunch? She lists every tiny mistake critically and at one point says, “Another TMI…”. Quelle bitch.
Paula Deen and Louis Van Amstel
I caught Paula and Louis on the Home & Family show this morning. (Don’t judge. I put Hallmark on in the morning for my daily dose of Golden Girls and either fall back asleep or am too lazy to turn the channel. Plus, I’m kind of fascinated by Cristina Ferrare. Now THERE’S a woman whom you KNOW has stories to tell!) I just today noticed Paula’s weight loss, which she discussed on the show before she made some really retch-worthy thing comprised of applesauce in a pastry shell, sprinkled with powdered sugar. I don’t remember how much weight she said she lost (still half-asleep) but it seems that it all happened in the last week…she looks quite different. Or maybe (probably) I wasn’t paying close attention last week. Anyway, Paula looks…deflated. Like someone let most of her air out and all the extra skin landed under her chin. I guess the lesson here is that after a certain age, you are better off just staying fat. Or something. (Naturally, I don’t look a day over 25, but when the time comes, I’ll get that Debby Boone Lifestyle Lift in a New York minute!)
Paula tells us that she is from Savannah, Georgia, and that the town has had “A lot to do with shaping me. It’s the most beautiful, magical town I’ve ever been eeen.” Cut to the rehearsal hall and Paula telling Louis that “I want to redeem myself.” From what, Paula? That pesky little scandal? Last week’s performance?http://Dancing With The Stars, DWTS, Entertainment News, Gary Busey, Kim Zolciak-Biermann, Paula Deen, Tamar Braxton#
Before we have time to ponder those questions, Paula and Louis take the stage to the tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”. I’m DYING. Will Paula be on her own midnight train to Georgia after tonight’s elimination? Clearly, she’s pawned all her hopes by even being on this show in the first place. Paula is dressed in black – a sheer bare shouldered top over a slinky satin knee-length dress. She and Louis do a Rumba, and Paula seems improved over last week, although really she’s doing step-forward, step-back and twirl. Eh. The pair end their routine with Paula split-legged (eeek!) over Louis’s arm, and I do not even want to THINK about where Louis’s left hand might be. Pheew, that was over quickly. In the re-hash, Paula says that last week, she was here for her family and the people I love, but this week “I was here for Pola.” Pola? Pola Negri? Oh, Paula! She’s talking about herself! Never mind.
Hayes Grier and Emma Slater
We catch up with Vine “star” Hayes Grier, who introduces us to his hometown of Mooresville, North Carolina. We don’t learn much about the town itself, but we do learn that Hayes likes Motocross. Hayes’s mother tearfully tells us how proud she is of her son.
Hayes and Emma take the stage in orange-and-white gas station attendant costumes and dance a Foxtrot to a country-esque song that I don’t know. Despite a bit of teen akwardness, Hayes does quite well. I have to give the guy props for being as committed as he appears to be; I don’t think a whole lot of ostensibly heterosexual teen boys would take this as seriously and put forth the effort that he seems to be exerting. I”m remembering season 1 of RHoNJ when a bunch of Manzos and Giudices made a mockery of a dance class because it wasn’t “manly” enough, or some such nonsense. Mr. Grier is seemingly quite a bit more enlightened.
Chaka Khan and Keo Motsepe
Chaka tells us that she isn’t going to let one bad night get her down. She is from Chicago, proudly, and has chosen the song “Chicago” to dance to tonight. (That toddlin’ town!) Chaka is asked the stupidest question ever about her song choice: “How does your hometown relate to that?” Um, it’s called “Chicago” and it’s about Chicago! How ‘bout that! Furthermore, Chaka’s debonair father reminds her of Frank Sinatra. I think that’s a great song for her to have chosen. (I like Judy’s version better than Frank’s, but hey, they’re both great.)
Chaka and Keo do a Foxtrot. The Queen of Funk’s routine seemed pretty rudimentary, but she did it well and with a bit of grace. Even better than last week.
Andy Grammer and Allison Holker
Andy grew up somewhere about an hour north of New York City, so he is using New York as his hometown. He is nostalgic for his early days doing gigs at open-mic nights and trying to make something happen. He has therefore chosen Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” to dance to, as that reminds him of those days.
He and Allison do a Jive that is rather acrobatic looking. He does quite a few jumps and spins that look pretty good. He, and many of the other contestants, seem more relaxed this week now that the first-night jitters have worn off.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony Dovolani
We are treated to a narrative of Kim re-hashing how poorly she performed last week, and saying the only way to go is up. Well, that’s true…another way to go is home, though, Kim. We move right along into Kim introducing her hometown of Atlanta. Hm. Seems as though someone dropped a ball somewhere. Didn’t we just this week accompany Kim back to her hometown in Connecticut? What with all of this “hometown” stuff this week, surely there might have been some cross-promo or at least one agreed-upon “hometown”. Anyway, Kim talks about how she’s been in Atlanta for 16 years while photographs of Kim’s many faces are shown. Practically a plastic-surgery road map!
Kim and Tony do a Quickstep. Well, Tony does a Quickstep and Kim skips across the stage and gets dragged into place by Tony. Unlike last week, she seems to be trying – a bit – but she remains stiff, stiff, stiff.
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsay Arnold
Terrorist-stopper Alek Skarlatos is happy (as are we) to have done well last week, and hopes to continue his success. He has chosen Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” to dance to this week, as it reminds him of his hometown of Sacramento, California and his two best friends with whom he grew up and who were also on that ill-fated French train. The three guys have been tight since about age 5. We see their yearbook photos from what looks to be 5th or 6th grade; what a coincidence that their surnames all begin with “S”. Oy, even the most gorgeous people look so awkward at that age. If a photo of me at 12 were shown on TV, I’d seriously want to crawl into a hole and die!
Cut to the rehearsal hall: Lindsay, his partner, tells us that Alek likes to make sound effects as he moves around. (I actually totally get this. Back in my “New York actor” days, I had a movement teacher who would put us through our exercises and movements by making his own distinctive noises. “Dop-Duup! Aannd Dooow-Dop!” It now seems natural to me.)
Alek and Lindsay to a Jazz routine on a “front porch” set that looks very fluid and effortless. They are clearly a crowd favorite, and deservedly so. At the judging. Julianne says, “It’s one thing to be that strong base that you need to be for the lady, but to then whip it out and do those turns…” Oh, Julianne. I’d love for him to whip it out! Deep sigh…
Aaand there’s Nene! She, Gregg, and Brentttt are sitting in the front row and can be seen right behind Tom Bergeron. Nene is chomping on her
cud gum like a cow. She must not know that she can be seen, otherwise she’d be giving a trout-pout to the camera. And what is Brentttt doing out this late? Isn’t this a schoolnight?
Alexa Penavega and Mark Ballas
Alexa talks about how last week, her husband scored one point higher than she did. They make this insignificant difference sound like a limitless chasm, perhaps trying to drum up some interest in the competing husband-and-wife teams. Alexa is from Ocala, Florida, and is “Colombian, so salsa is in my blood.” I’m picturing a bowl of chips and Alexa opening a vein so that we may eat them.
Someone has spent a great deal of time and effort in putting leopard make-up on Alexa. they needn’t have bothered..it looks rather ridiculous. Alexa and Mark do a salsa that is very swinging and hip-shaking.
Victor Espinoza and Karina Smirnoff
Victor is from Hildago, Mexico, so naturally he will dance to “La Bamba”. (I was thinking why not “La Cucaracha”?) Victor and Karina do a Jive along with several back-up dancers that provide welcome distraction. Victor seems like a nice guy, but his dance moves seem very one-two rudimentary. Towards the end of the routine, Victor is lying flat on the floor with Karina standing up over him. He then sits up and motions what could only be motorboating her…um, behind. Or something. I can only think he was late sitting up and wanted to be under her skirt! At the judging, Tom switches Victor’s sombrero for another, prop sombrero, so that he may stick it his front as if hanging it off of his erection. I guess if all else fails, make a dick joke. (Of course. See four paragraphs above!)
Tamar Braxton and Val Chmerkovskiy
Tamar is from Severn, Maryland. Hm, not too terribly far from my own homeland. We are spared any “Maryland is for crabs” type memories, although Ms. Braxton is rather brave to confess being from Anne Arundel County! Tamar says that she will be performing to “We Are Family”, because her hometown reminds her of, of course, her family.
At the rehearsal hall, Tamar and Val discuss the Cha-Cha that they will be performing. Val explains that this dance will require a lot of pelvic thrusts. (Did it just get hot in here? //fans self//) Yes, I suspect that Val and pelvic thrusts go together like rum and coke. (Seriously…Val, come on over. The thrusting will be practically endless!) Tamar says that she doesn’t want to thrust, though, when she’s thinking about her family. Fair enough, Tamar.
Val and Tamar take the stage in gold-and-green-and-black costumes. I especially like Tamar’s dress – the sequined and beaded “spaghetti strings” produce a nice effect when swinging and shimmying. Tamar continues to be one of the better dancers.
Garey Busey and Anna Trebunskaya
Gary Busey is from Tulsa, Oklahoma. (I’ve never been there, but feel like I know it due to all of the S.E. Hinton novels that I devoured one after another when I was 12.) We catch up with Gary, America’s most crotchety mouldering cadaver, in the studio at promo-taping time. He is asked what it was like to grow up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and he replies, “What is this for? Where you going to see this?” Next I thought he’d say, “Where are we? What time is it? Who are you?”
Gary explains that football is like a religion in Oklahoma. We meet Gary’s sister, a woman with hair the color of those candy-corn-pumpkin candies, who tells us that Gary started football in Junior High. Next, we meet Gary’s old football coach, who, despite being a generation older, actually seems far younger and more vibrant than Gary himself. “Coach” tells us that at first, he didn’t think Gary would go very far, but through sheer determination, he ended up succeeding. Inspiration for us all!
Gary and Anna do a Foxtrot to the Beach Boys’ “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”. Wouldn’t it, though? Wouldn’t it be nice if Gary didn’t have to struggle to move? Wouldn’t it be nice if he were more “fox” and less “trot”?
Carlos Penevega and Whitney Carson
Carlos is from Columbia, Missouri. He’s “a Latin boy from the Mid-West”. Oh, I just noticed this chick spells her name “WITNEY”! Oh, I can’t even. How wit-less. I might detach a retina from this severe eye-roll. Misses Blake and Houston are surely rolling in their graves!
Carlos and “Witney” do a Foxtrot with the same level of professionalism as last week. I couldn’t care less about this hyped-up husband/wife competition.
Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough
Bindi talks about living in the middle of the Australia Zoo. Okay…more interestingly, she talks about her affinity for Heavy Metal music, one she shared with her father. Therefore, she will dance to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”.
Bindi and Derek do a Tango to the aforementioned song, with great results. The song and the routine go together quite well, Bindi owns the floor, and they are most certainly the most popular couple of the night!
Score: 25 Best of the night!
Paula – 19
Hayes – 22
Chaka – 15
Andy – 21
Kim – 19
Alek – 23
Alexa – 24
Victor – 17
Tamar – 24
Gary – 18
Carlos – 24
Bindi – 25
It is revealed that only two couples are in jeopardy: Chaka and Keo, and Gary and Anna.
Chaka is eliminated. Oh for FUCK’S SAKE. This is ridiculous. They sent her home before Gary Busey? What the fuck are these people smoking? If I were in the audience, I’d be throwing things.
Well, Chaka, you were too good for this venue anyway. Now you can go back to being the fabulous legend that you are full-time!