Ericzku was kind enough to do a great recap of DWTS for us from last night.
Random thoughts on DWTS by someone who has never watched it before. True. I’ve seen clips and heard about it tons but could never be bothered to actually tune in. Until tonight.
First contestant: Jockey Victor Espinoza with Karina Smirnoff
Victor lets us know that his family all dance, except for him, as he can’t dance. Also, he is significantly shorter than Karina, he comes up to her boob level. How lovely for Victor. We also find out that his short-term memory is nonexistent, as he has been hit in the head a lot being a jockey. Oh, dear.
Victor and Karina do a “Salsa” which looks more like Victor standing in place doing the Hokey-Pokey (left foot in, left foot out…)
Tamar Braxton and Val Chemwhatever
Val introduces himself as the reigning champion, points to his pomade-free hair, and says he no longer cares about hair products or his physical appearance. I must say that’s the path to take, Val, as you look 1,000% more attractive that way. (I’m a sucker for a curly-haired boy. Justin Fichelson, if you’re reading this – CALL ME!) Tamar tells us that after having her baby, she wants to put some “pep in her step”. I guess translated that means “a check is a check”.
Tamar and Val take the stage in black and white costumes, and Val’s gone back to the greasy-haired look. Oh, Val. Sigh. They do a “Quickstep” which looks like it took some agility and effort on Tamar’s part. She just might be a contender.
Chaka Khan and Keo Motsepe
We catch up with The Queen of Funk in Detroit, where she tells us that after selling 70 million records, she’s now ready to get the Mirror-Ball Trophy. Brava Diva!
Chaka and Keo do a Cha-Cha to Chaka’s song “I Feel For You”. Chaka made an effort, but Keo did most of the work. I don’t care though; she’s CHAKA KHAN dammit!
Score: 13 (Oh come on. No way were they worse than Victor/Karina. Ucch.)
Hayes Grier and Emma Slater
We meet Hayes Grier, a 15 year-old “Vine star”, so that he may explain what Vine is. His goal is to “impress a few ladies”. He starts his campaign of seduction by remarking that his partner, 26 year-old Emma, “doesn’t look 26 if that makes her feel any better”. Oh, Hayes…you smooth operator you!
Hayes and Emma do a Cha-Cha with a Jock/Cheerleader theme. Hayes actually seems to be taking this seriously and displays a tinge of athleticism. Looks like he might stay for at least a few weeks. I don’t know if he’ll impress any ladies, but he’ll certainly get the attention of the good folks at Badpuppy!
Andy Grammer and Allison Holker
Andy Grammer is a singer and apparently, no relation to Camille. There goes any interest I may have had in him.
Andy and Allison do a Foxtrot which looks fairly professional overall.
Paula Deen and Louis Van Amstel
Paula greets Louis at the door of her Antebellum mansion wearing a butter-yellow tunic over white pants. After braying at Louis to “Come on eeeen! Come on eeeeen!” he does, mainly to discover that Paula has the attention span of a gnat and is easily distracted. While telling us, the audience, that he is going to need a lot of patience to work with her, his eyes display a look of pure horror and dread at the ordeal that awaits him.
Paula, buttressed and girdled, takes the stage with Louis in a deep blue/violet gown with a floor-length skirt. They do a quickstep to the tune of “Hey Good Lookin What You Got Cookin” which is mostly Paula being dragged around the floor by Louis, jumping up and down slightly, and twirling her skirt to emulate actual movement. Afterwards, Paula graciously lets us know that she was “a-skaired! I started with white underwear, and it probably ain’t white no ‘mo!” Thanks for the visual, Paula.
Carlos and Alexa Penavega with Mark Ballas and Whitney Carson
People I’ve never heard of, and after their introduction, still don’t know.
First, Carlos and Whitney do a “Jive” to the song “I Feel Good”. Clearly, Carlos is an experienced dancer.
Next, Alexa and Mark also do a “Jive”. Alexa clearly is also an experienced performer.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony Dovolani
Tony rings the bell at Kim’s house. Chef Tracey answers the door and Tony says, “Hi. Your partner is here!” to which Tracey replies, “Uh, you’re probably looking for Kim.” Tony shoots a look of profound relief to the camera. Clearly, Mr. Dovolani doesn’t know the famous Mrs. Biermann by sight. Hm. Kim appears with two of the babies to greet Tony in her foyer. Cut to the rehearsal hall: Kim is wearing her rehearsal outfit of black yoga pants and fitted sweatshirt, and her “I’m not wearing make-up” make-up. Specifically: thick foundation, brow pencil, and clear lip-gloss. Just no eye shadow, liner, or Clown-Nose-Red lipstick applied with a trowel. She looks quite different this way. But for the “teeth” she could pass for a human! She and Tony discuss that her biggest challenge will be going outside of her comfort zone and “letting go”. In a tearful interview, Kim lets us know she’s afraid to not be perfect. (!)
Kim and Tony take the stage with an ersatz-Egyptian-themed set and costumes. They perform a “Salsa”. Kim’s maximum exertion was clapping her hands. She mainly stands in place while Tony moves around her. Kim doesn’t like to sweat – she made that obvious tonight by doing nothing that might cause her to break into one!
Score: 12 out of 30. Hmm…that’s 40%. An F.
Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough
We meet Bindi, who lets us know she’s doing this to honor her father. Okay then. She meets up with Derek and they say, “G’day” and “Crikey” a lot, because: Australian.
Bindi and Derek do a “Jive” to the song “Crocodile Rock”. An interesting choice…while yes, Dad was the Crocodile Hunter, wasn’t he, um, eaten by a crocodile? Just saying. Bindi displays some athletic prowess and dancing aptitude. Another potential contender! The judges say, “Best performance of the night!”
Gary Busey and Anna Trebunskaya
America’s favorite reanimated corpse with oversized dentures, Garey Busey, meets up with Anna at the rehearsal hall. Anna tells us that it is very challenging and tricky to teach Gary. Ever the optimist, she manages to proclaim, “It’s gonna be a fun ride!” OK, Anna. Keep saying that and you might even believe it!
Gary and Anna perform a Cha-Cha to the song “Dancing in the Street”. Anna twirls artfully while Gary puts forth maximum effort to…walk out on to the stage! He seriously looks like he can barely breathe and that it is all he can do to pick up his feet or raise his arms a little. My guess? First eliminated.
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsay Arnold
Alek’s abbreviated introduction quickly describes his heroics in France and shows about 5 seconds of his meeting with Lindsay.
Alek and Lindsay do a Foxtrot during which Alek aquits himself well. A good performance overall, particularly for a non-professional. Judges call it one of the best of the night.
Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess
Nick’s segment is shoehorned into the last 6 minutes of the show, so we get a super-short introduction where Nick tells us his goal is to “Overcome his (dancing) insecurity”. After 23 years with the Backstreet Boys, a few weeks on DWTS should do the trick. Alrighty then…
Nick and Sharna do a Cha-Cha. Nick is obviously an industry veteran. He’ll be competing here for a while.
Victor Espinoza – 15
Tamar Braxton – 23
Chaka Khan -13
Hayes Grier – 21
Andy Grammer – 21
Paula Deen – 15
Carlos Penavega – 23
Alexa Penevega – 22
Kim Zolciak-Biermann – 12
Bindi Irwin – 24
Garey Busey – 15
Alex Skarlatos – 22
Nick Carter – 24
As we can see, Kim is at the bottom, with Chaka Khan right above her. Victor, Paula, and Gary are next lowest. In my opinion, Kim was the worst because it didn’t look like she was even trying. I think Chaka’s score is undeservedly low, she was as least as good, if not better than, the three above her.
On top: Nick, Bindi, and Tamar. It’s too early for predictions but clearly these three should last a good while. Also, I think Alek might be a surprise talent who lasts a while, but we’ll see.
Pheeew. Long night!
Thanks so much for all your hard work Eric!