Ericzku was kind enough to do a great recap of DWTS for us from last night.
Random thoughts on DWTS by someone who has never watched it before. True. I’ve seen clips and heard about it tons but could never be bothered to actually tune in. Until tonight.
First contestant: Jockey Victor Espinoza with Karina Smirnoff
Victor lets us know that his family all dance, except for him, as he can’t dance. Also, he is significantly shorter than Karina, he comes up to her boob level. How lovely for Victor. We also find out that his short-term memory is nonexistent, as he has been hit in the head a lot being a jockey. Oh, dear.
Victor and Karina do a “Salsa” which looks more like Victor standing in place doing the Hokey-Pokey (left foot in, left foot out…)
Score: 15
Tamar Braxton and Val Chemwhatever
Val introduces himself as the reigning champion, points to his pomade-free hair, and says he no longer cares about hair products or his physical appearance. I must say that’s the path to take, Val, as you look 1,000% more attractive that way. (I’m a sucker for a curly-haired boy. Justin Fichelson, if you’re reading this – CALL ME!) Tamar tells us that after having her baby, she wants to put some “pep in her step”. I guess translated that means “a check is a check”.
Tamar and Val take the stage in black and white costumes, and Val’s gone back to the greasy-haired look. Oh, Val. Sigh. They do a “Quickstep” which looks like it took some agility and effort on Tamar’s part. She just might be a contender.
Score: 23
Chaka Khan and Keo Motsepe
We catch up with The Queen of Funk in Detroit, where she tells us that after selling 70 million records, she’s now ready to get the Mirror-Ball Trophy. Brava Diva!
Chaka and Keo do a Cha-Cha to Chaka’s song “I Feel For You”. Chaka made an effort, but Keo did most of the work. I don’t care though; she’s CHAKA KHAN dammit!
Score: 13 (Oh come on. No way were they worse than Victor/Karina. Ucch.)
Hayes Grier and Emma Slater
We meet Hayes Grier, a 15 year-old “Vine star”, so that he may explain what Vine is. His goal is to “impress a few ladies”. He starts his campaign of seduction by remarking that his partner, 26 year-old Emma, “doesn’t look 26 if that makes her feel any better”. Oh, Hayes…you smooth operator you!
Hayes and Emma do a Cha-Cha with a Jock/Cheerleader theme. Hayes actually seems to be taking this seriously and displays a tinge of athleticism. Looks like he might stay for at least a few weeks. I don’t know if he’ll impress any ladies, but he’ll certainly get the attention of the good folks at Badpuppy!
Score: 21
Andy Grammer and Allison Holker
Andy Grammer is a singer and apparently, no relation to Camille. There goes any interest I may have had in him.
Andy and Allison do a Foxtrot which looks fairly professional overall.
Score: 21
Paula Deen and Louis Van Amstel
Paula greets Louis at the door of her Antebellum mansion wearing a butter-yellow tunic over white pants. After braying at Louis to “Come on eeeen! Come on eeeeen!” he does, mainly to discover that Paula has the attention span of a gnat and is easily distracted. While telling us, the audience, that he is going to need a lot of patience to work with her, his eyes display a look of pure horror and dread at the ordeal that awaits him.
Paula, buttressed and girdled, takes the stage with Louis in a deep blue/violet gown with a floor-length skirt. They do a quickstep to the tune of “Hey Good Lookin What You Got Cookin” which is mostly Paula being dragged around the floor by Louis, jumping up and down slightly, and twirling her skirt to emulate actual movement. Afterwards, Paula graciously lets us know that she was “a-skaired! I started with white underwear, and it probably ain’t white no ‘mo!” Thanks for the visual, Paula.
Score: 15
Carlos and Alexa Penavega with Mark Ballas and Whitney Carson
People I’ve never heard of, and after their introduction, still don’t know.
First, Carlos and Whitney do a “Jive” to the song “I Feel Good”. Clearly, Carlos is an experienced dancer.
Score: 23
Next, Alexa and Mark also do a “Jive”. Alexa clearly is also an experienced performer.
Score: 22
Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony Dovolani
Tony rings the bell at Kim’s house. Chef Tracey answers the door and Tony says, “Hi. Your partner is here!” to which Tracey replies, “Uh, you’re probably looking for Kim.” Tony shoots a look of profound relief to the camera. Clearly, Mr. Dovolani doesn’t know the famous Mrs. Biermann by sight. Hm. Kim appears with two of the babies to greet Tony in her foyer. Cut to the rehearsal hall: Kim is wearing her rehearsal outfit of black yoga pants and fitted sweatshirt, and her “I’m not wearing make-up” make-up. Specifically: thick foundation, brow pencil, and clear lip-gloss. Just no eye shadow, liner, or Clown-Nose-Red lipstick applied with a trowel. She looks quite different this way. But for the “teeth” she could pass for a human! She and Tony discuss that her biggest challenge will be going outside of her comfort zone and “letting go”. In a tearful interview, Kim lets us know she’s afraid to not be perfect. (!)
Kim and Tony take the stage with an ersatz-Egyptian-themed set and costumes. They perform a “Salsa”. Kim’s maximum exertion was clapping her hands. She mainly stands in place while Tony moves around her. Kim doesn’t like to sweat – she made that obvious tonight by doing nothing that might cause her to break into one!
Score: 12 out of 30. Hmm…that’s 40%. An F.
Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough
We meet Bindi, who lets us know she’s doing this to honor her father. Okay then. She meets up with Derek and they say, “G’day” and “Crikey” a lot, because: Australian.
Bindi and Derek do a “Jive” to the song “Crocodile Rock”. An interesting choice…while yes, Dad was the Crocodile Hunter, wasn’t he, um, eaten by a crocodile? Just saying. Bindi displays some athletic prowess and dancing aptitude. Another potential contender! The judges say, “Best performance of the night!”
Score: 24
Gary Busey and Anna Trebunskaya
America’s favorite reanimated corpse with oversized dentures, Garey Busey, meets up with Anna at the rehearsal hall. Anna tells us that it is very challenging and tricky to teach Gary. Ever the optimist, she manages to proclaim, “It’s gonna be a fun ride!” OK, Anna. Keep saying that and you might even believe it!
Gary and Anna perform a Cha-Cha to the song “Dancing in the Street”. Anna twirls artfully while Gary puts forth maximum effort to…walk out on to the stage! He seriously looks like he can barely breathe and that it is all he can do to pick up his feet or raise his arms a little. My guess? First eliminated.
Score: 15
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsay Arnold
Alek’s abbreviated introduction quickly describes his heroics in France and shows about 5 seconds of his meeting with Lindsay.
Alek and Lindsay do a Foxtrot during which Alek aquits himself well. A good performance overall, particularly for a non-professional. Judges call it one of the best of the night.
Score: 22
Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess
Nick’s segment is shoehorned into the last 6 minutes of the show, so we get a super-short introduction where Nick tells us his goal is to “Overcome his (dancing) insecurity”. After 23 years with the Backstreet Boys, a few weeks on DWTS should do the trick. Alrighty then…
Nick and Sharna do a Cha-Cha. Nick is obviously an industry veteran. He’ll be competing here for a while.
Score: 24
Score Roundup:
Victor Espinoza – 15
Tamar Braxton – 23
Chaka Khan -13
Hayes Grier – 21
Andy Grammer – 21
Paula Deen – 15
Carlos Penavega – 23
Alexa Penevega – 22
Kim Zolciak-Biermann – 12
Bindi Irwin – 24
Garey Busey – 15
Alex Skarlatos – 22
Nick Carter – 24
As we can see, Kim is at the bottom, with Chaka Khan right above her. Victor, Paula, and Gary are next lowest. In my opinion, Kim was the worst because it didn’t look like she was even trying. I think Chaka’s score is undeservedly low, she was as least as good, if not better than, the three above her.
On top: Nick, Bindi, and Tamar. It’s too early for predictions but clearly these three should last a good while. Also, I think Alek might be a surprise talent who lasts a while, but we’ll see.
Pheeew. Long night!
Thanks so much for all your hard work Eric!
The crocodile smiles. Great job Eric.
Lol he wasn’t killed my a crocodile, he was killed by a stingray…. Great recap! Why am I not surprised that kims lazy ass was dead last? She don’t care, she’s there for a check, just like the rest of them.
Kim’s pure genius. Anyone who discovers a way to eat pizza while simultaneously melting body fat. With six kids she deserves extra points just for being there.
Maybe Tony Dovolani should have grabbed Cheh Tracey while he had the chance and run like hell.
Chef Tracey. And thanks, Ericku, ‘ cause this was a great read!
LMAO
Hysterical Ericzku! I was dying to see the TT recap after Kim’s mini-meltdown at LAX attributed to the stress of her shockingly low scores last night. Was it the weight of the costume or plastic surgeries that stopped her from moving? Tony looked like he’d break his back trying to throw her around, frozen like a deer in the headlights. My money is on Paula Deen who they’ll keep around for comic relief like Cloris Leachman. Gary & Chaka have the gravitas to keep viewers tuned in. But Kim is gonna need to shake it off, if she wants to make some money for all her babies new shoes, (and Brielle’s graduation party).
Great recap for your first one
#TeamBindi, this young lady has a great head on her shoulders. Wise beyond her years. Steve would be so proud of how she has maintained his legacy.
I’m totally #teamBindi
I was also #teamstingray though….
She is adorable!
Do anyone know why Kim’s dance partner was laughing so hard? It was while they were announcing the scores by the judges.
Kim was asking what future choreography he was working on for them, oblivious to the fact she will be the first to go?
I don’t know how anyone kept a straight face when Kim attempted to pretend that it was so difficult to dance because she wasn’t with her husband, “…not used to being with anyone else.” Kim? Demure? Oh please. Kim’s a hokey pokey pro.
I have no idea how much poor Anna is paid to dance with Gary Busey, but it’s not enough. Write her another check.
You should’ve seen the behind the scenes show last night. He talking in her face and she had to lean soo far back. And we know he spits when he talks because he kept spitting on the host card who made a joke about it. Yuck!
Then he told her he loves her and tried to lean in for a kiss a few times. Gross!!!!! Poor girl
Eric…FANTASTIC JOB, Only one question, has TT gotten new chains or are there now three of you tied to the radiator?
I couldn’t believe they had a box for Victor to stand on and it was glittered! Great recap Erickzu
Really great recap, I also have never watched much of DWTS and not much else was on so I though I would check out Kim. I am not sure she has the personality to persevere and work at dancing, she was bad! Now I guess I will have to watch until she gets the boot.
Step, step, glide
Omg the Badpuppy reference!
Is Ericzku a fellow homo? If so, I think I know his type. ?
Micheal:
A fellow homo? Of course! I thought you knew that. I could swear we’ve conversed in the past about Flipping Out Trace’s naked pictures.
Badpuppy is not really my style, though. They were just the first ones I could think of off the top of my head that specialize in, uh, “younger” guys. My top three Bravo guys were Christian Rovsek, Mauricio Umansky, and Andy Cohen, if that gives you any indication. (I think that was the same thread where we talked about Trace) Of course, as I said in the recap, I have a weakness for curly-haired guys, so I need to make room for Justin Fichelson somewhere on that list. Come to think of it, that accounts for Mauricio and Andy too!
Great recap!! very funny
Thanks for the recap. Due to Kim’s fan base, she will make it through a few rounds. She’s current, while Gary, Chaka and Paula are not. This show has never been about how well you danced. Just how many folks will call and vote for you.
Great recap!!
Kim was awfully stiff. I wasn’t expecting her to bust her butt, but she was worse than I expected.
Alex was a nice surprise. I hope he lasts a long time.
I’m on the verge of boycotting the show though. Greg Louganis has been trying to get on the show for years. They have given him several brush offs, telling him “you’ve had too much dance training.” What?! You mean, like Krisi Yamaguchi, Shawn Johnson and Nastia Lukin, who had over a decade of dance training?? IDGI, but I love Louganis and he would be amazing on the show!
Wow! That’s pitiful they won’t let him on.
I know! I’m hoping that since he mentions it on the documentary about him (Back on Board) that is running on HBO, they will get a lot of backlash and relent 🙂
I would love to see him perform. He seems like such a great guy and so many memories of watching him compete.
TT:
Oh, you’re welcome, it was my pleasure. I had fun doing it!
Everyone:
Thank you so much for the plaudits. You warm my cold, dead heart!
Watching the recap show, and it will be interesting to see who goes home first. But I will say this, Kim looks pretty with the minimum make up. I wish she didn’t plaster all that stuff on her face. On another note though, I don’t know who she’s fooling with that waist trainer with those thighs and calves. She really should be ok with her size. She’s had six kids and her natural curves that I saw during her rehearsal didn’t look bad at all.
Proof that TT’ers are the best (minus those WL) WTG Eric!
It’s hard to believe Bindi had never wore heels before. Very pretty young lady.
I love me some Kim! I don’t care if the bitch does the worm, I love her! Leah Remini was there supporting her. Leah is hilarious!
I don’t watch the show but I’m an ericzku fan so I had to read. Great job! Now I have to read the next recap to make sure Chaka gets to stay…
Thanks very much, Lady C…<3 to you too!
Ericzku – you slay me! I’m just surprised Louis survived having his face shoved into Paula’s chest when they met.
I decided to catch the rerun tonight because of your funny recap Ericzku. You really nailed it. Well written too!
I just think it would have been more entertaining if they paired Kim with Gary Busey. They could have both just stood there as music played.
And Paula Deen should be paired with Keo. ?
Great recap Ericzku.
I must say the show is really reaching with some of the random people being cast. I hope Alex the train hero wins. He was good and there isn’t any other person that makes me feel any way about them. Actually, Paula did, she was nervous, but her choice of words after the dance may have lost her favor. I think her panties joke would be a flop for anyone, but especially on an older person needing to revamp her image, and I can say that, I am near her age.
Kim thought she danced good. She was so surprised by her score. I was surprised by how large she looked. Those sandals gave her meaty looking legs and the waist cincher gave her a pouch. Could all those selfies be photo shopped? I hope she improves, I don’t like to see any of them embarrassed, it is a lot of effort goes into it.
I also would love to see Greg Louganis on DWTS, wish I had HBO to see his story, although I am familiar with the public parts of his life. They are using feeble excuses to deny him to be on the show. I wonder what’s the truth of it. I hope not HIV paranoia still in this day.
I think Kim had the meltdown because it looked like Tony hit her in the nose. I watched her dance…or really, just clap and twirl…and when she bent back and Tony did that kick over her it looked like his leg hit her (new) nose. His pants leg may have just brushed her, I don’t know, but it sure looked like he made some kind of contact.
watching Kim dance was like watching Frankenstein lumber across a room. The woman has no grace and is sooo stiff….maybe its all the botox and plastic surgery- afraid that if she moved too vigorously she would pop a seam.
…wonder if Nene is watching…
Ericzku, loved the recap. I loved Bindi. I am guessing they carried Kim out so she could manage what she did. Don’t they practice before the rehearsals?
No. Steve Irwin was struck in the chest by a sting ray barb not eaten by a crocodile. Do a little homework ffs
Even though I don’t really care for Tamar (or Kim Z.) I think they both did quite well. I would give my non-existent eyebrows to have a figure like either one though.
Ericzku, You’ve definitely got a knack for writing recaps. I dying here. Absolutely hysterical.
Kim obviously knows how to move in the bedroom; I’m VERY surprised she can’t move on the dancefloor lol :O
Kim obviously got moves in the bedroom;
I’m VERY surprised she can’t move on the dancefloor :I
This recap was hilarious. Americas favorite reanimated corpse. Was a perfect description.