Catfish Recap: Andria & David

I steadily getting caught up on the shows that I slept through last week, so I thought I would recap Catfish since each episode is sort of a stand alone show. Let’s see what idiots we are dealing with this week. This week’s idiot is Andria. You might have guessed that by the way her name is spelled. Andria met David when she was in middle school. She was TWELVE. She’s about to turn 22 and still has not wised up. I’m gonna guess “David” has a whole harem of underage girls online. Andria says that he is her boyfriend and they talk about getting married in the same breath she says she had a miscarriage with some dude’s baby recently and “David.” Was very supportive. As boyfriends are when their girlfriends lose some other guy’s baby.

David has a great excuse for standing her up on their scheduled meet up. On the way there, he was not kidnapped, nor did he have a seizure and need to be hospitalized, or have an accident that has left him incapacitated, no boys and girls, David’s excuse is that he was arrested by the po po while en route for “contraband” and now he is on house arrest.  While normally one would assume the arrest was for drugs, I’m going to say, if he was arrested at all, it’s for child porn. That would be a new one for Catfish!

Andria dropped out of school, because he was supposed to take her back to Chicago to live with him.

Andria says she can’t get over her love for “David.” Oh! and she casually mentions that “David” sent her pictures lately saying he was really a female named Geo. He/she included a drivers license and some odd pictures of a woman smoking in one photo and wearing a medical mask in another. So clearly, Andria needs to follow up and run off to Chicago to get answers. Um, wait. Doesn’t she have answers? Isn’t this pretty much the exact reason that parents shouldn’t let middle school kids on social media?

We move on to an illiterate love letter from “David” written on two sheets of paper from a spiral notebook. It’s unclear whether this was from before or after he claimed to be a chick named Geo, whose driver’s license name is Christine. They passionate letter was also illustrated. The first page has a blue heart that has been colored in. The second page appears to have an outline of his erection. I guess we know now why Andria is so hot to get to Chicago.

But wait, there is more. There is a profanity-laced voice male that sounds like a male voice claiming “I motherfucking love you, man” and other terms of endearment. Now I am moving away from my child molester theory and on to Catfish jumping onboard the transgender train. ‘Tis the season after all. The only flaw in this theory…okay so there are many flaws to this theory… but foremost is the fact that David seems functionally illiterate with a criminal record. This would make it unlikely that he could somehow make enough money for transgender surgery.

Maybe the chick in the photos is a baby mama who lives with him since they both share the same address. She took is phone and confessed (as David) to be a woman who was just fucking with her the past 10 years. She figured that would end the situation, but nah,  Andria is too in love to give up just because her man is now saying she is really a woman, is on house arrest, and hasn’t met her in ten years. Andria is in love, y’all.

The boys find a social media account for “Geo Stain” which has photos of Christine and is equally as illiterate and ridiculous as David’s writings.  The boys feel confident now there is no David and that David, Christine and Geo are all the same (female) person. Not a chance. We are only 18 minutes in.

The boys race over to tell Andria the bad news. They meet up in a restaurant and Andria has brought a female friend. The coincidently met in middle school around the same time she met David. Okay, I am changing my guess again. Camille looks an awful lot like Christine/Geo.  Look. I have really bad facial recognition skills but how can no one else see that Camille looks a lot like “Christine?”

Okay, what if Camille moved in with David in Chicago instead of Andria? Then Camille ended the relationship with or without David’s knowledge?

Nev calls David who is doing the usual hedging about meeting her. Camille looks very nervous when Nev mentions they can all just get on a plane tomorrow and head up to the address they have on the dude.

Somehow, David agrees to meet up with them. But Camille is not with them. At the house, they meet Chistina who is a female, that sounds sort of like a guy. Christina says it was a $25 bet in the beginning. Christina seems to be surprised that she claimed to be on house arrest. This story is not making sense. It doesn’t sound like the same voice to me. Clearly, Christina is not Camille. But she doesn’t sound like David either.

The next day, Christina claims that Andria has been using fake photos for the past nine years, Andria denies that. They all meet again and things go nowhere. Christina is combative keeps changing her story. Andria just wants to go home.

In the follow-up, Andria says that Christina texted her and said that she was sorry for what she said on the show, and she does have feelings for her. Andria says she is over it. She did forward the text to Max.

When they talk to Christina, she says they have not been I contact and she wants nothing to do with Andria.

I kept waiting for “David” to jump out of the bushes. I kept waiting for some sort of resolution. I still sort of think there might have been a David. Or not. I dunno. This one was an odd one.