Million Dollar Listing San Francisco Recap: When You Wish Upon a Starchitect

I admit I have not seen last weeks episode yet, so my recap may be rough. But I am on a roll and need to knock this recap out while I can.

Justin

Justin has promised his client with a listing in the Mission  a higher price than his last offer. The house is stunning as usual. The only drawback is the outdoor space is that it is small. Justin is drawing attention to that rather than calling it private and cozy. The list price is $3.25 and the brokers think it is overpriced.

Justin has an offer of all cash for $3.5 million. BUT the offer is contingent on rebuilding the driveway to make it less steep and allow for an SUV to fit in the garage without hitting the bay window.  This is probably not going to work for the buyer who wants a quick sell. Justin calls the seller he pushes the fabulous location. Frankly, I am a bit confused about who Justin just called talking about sending “your client” on vacation as if he is working with a middle man. But somehow it all went through and Justin gets his commission and that is all that really matters.

Justin drinks rosé. I’m just saying.

Andrew

Andrew has a listing in Bernal Heights where some parts are better than others. Andrew’s property is in the not as great area. Is it just because I live in a shit hole that these places make me green with envy? This is just another amazing place. The guy could not build UP, so he dug the whole property down to get another floor. Ingenious. However, the very, very, very, close neighbors’ homes are kinda fugly. Andrew wants to do a pocket listing first.  Andrew lists the house for $1.8 million. He thinks it is too high and the seller thinks it is two low and the Agent is always right in these situations. Even Andrew.

Andrew schedules a few well chosen brokers to show the place an hour apart. But everyone cancels last minute. Wait, after the break, someone miraculously shows. The buyer loves it almost as much as me. Until she sees the shithole neighbors house surrounding the outdoor space.

Andrew tries to get Google or someone to send a tech shuttle out to his property to get people to work. Instead of calling the major tech companies, he stands out in the rain for days waiting for a tech shuttle. I don’t understand what that will accomplish. Oh, maybe he isn’t trying to get a shuttle to come, he was trying to get clients from off the shuttle. One finally came along and it was empty.

I don’t care about Andrew’s stupid wedding plans. Andrew dated a girl for four years when he was in the closet. Of course he did.

Andrew and Justin meet the drinks for the first time since Andrew was a dickhead and told Justin and Roh he bought the websites with their name. He still has them and they redirect to Andrew.  Andrew says he will give the name back if he brings his tech clients to his listing.  Wait Whut? Now these two are bonding and talking about dear sweet Roh who they claim has them both blocked on Instagram! Allah will not care for this ONE BIT. I am just saying.  I hate Andrew, and I  am pissed at Justin for being nice to him.

It’s time for Andrew’s open house. No one comes. Justin is also very late. Oh look. One buyer shows up. then two. It really is a lovely house but the neighbors have sheets for curtains. (Note: to self buy real curtains)  No one likes it. Justin shows up. very late with no one.  I am starting to get over being pissed with Justin. In fact, I feel bad for not trusting him. Please forgive me Justin with the lovely curls. Justin says that the neighborhood is too bad for his clients.  Andrew is pissed. A “my dick is bigger than yours” contest breaks out. Andrew has a crybaby hissy fit and keeps the domain name.

Justin really does drink rosé though.  I’m just saying.

Roh

Roh has a listing appointment in Hayes Valley and artsy fartsy area in San Francisco. It’s very modern and very male. When I win the lottery, I would not buy this place, but it is pretty.  Dear god, the bathroom is split into three rooms? WTF? This is not art. This is not brilliant. This is STUPID. The term STARchitect.is also stupid. I hate everything about this listing. Roh thinks having the architect there will sell the place. Maybe to a VERY young male tech dude. MAYBE. But not to any sane person. No one wants to live in an art exhibit. Sorry, Roh, you’re my favorite but this listing blows.  Roh goes on a stake out of the architect who he has been told will never consent to being at the open house. He prays with his worry bead, he eats, He naps, he prays with the prayer bead some more, then finally he see him show up! He literally chases him down. Ooops. Wrong guy. lol. He has already sent invites saying the architect will be there! Damn, Roh!

Roh moves his stake out from the architect’s home to his office. Meanwhile he is having a huge party at his house. I dunno what language they are speaking. Pashto? Dari?  But in the middle of the big party, the architect called. HE AGREED TO COME!  TIME TO PARTY!

Roh has a great crowd and he is really selling it to stupid rich people. The architect has not shown up yet. Roh is beyond nervous. He has his entire reputation staked on this dude showing up. AND THERE HE IS! Of course he would come. He gets to be on TV!  EVERYONE is kissing his ass and getting his autograph. Roh is a rock star!  Jesus, clearly all of these people went to Berkley, /gives NewJerseyBoy a knowing glance

BAM THREE RECAPS IN THREE HOURS BITCHES!