YAY! We are back in the Turks and Caicos. Let’s hope this episode is as good as the last one! We are back where we left off with Ramona being a cunt satchel and deciding she wants everyone to go out for lunch after Bethenny has made lunch at the house for them. So very tacky. Bethenny is rightly pissed. Bethenny’s salad looks amazing. I wish I had someone to make me amazing salads every day. Ramona somehow has decided that Bethenny is pissed because Ramona stole a dress. Ramona does her apologizer thing and everyone enjoys a lovely lunch.
Ramona is writing a book about how she got to where she is. Um, divorced and unstable? I’d go with that. Bethenny suggests “Work in Progress.” Heather says there are probably tons of books with that name. This pisses off Heather and says that Bethenny is a “know-it-all.” But in this case, Bethenny is correct. Bethenny and Heather argue. Carole says that if you are 58 and your life is still a work in progress, that’s a problem. I disagree. I think we are all works in progress. This know it all fight is going to go on forever.
Or not. Heather and Bethenny seem to make up by pulling the back of each others bikini bottoms down to bare their asses. Whatever works, girls. BTW, great asses on both of them. This ends in both of them mooning the other girls. Everybody is happy. Time to paddle board.
The ladies go to the Conch Shack. I want to go to the Conch Shack. This trip looks like the most fun location they have ever been to. Some of the idiots are wearing high heels to the beach bar. Bethenny has paired her heels with a white lace long sleeved dress. Why? The shots begin. Oh my. Ramona is hitting them hard. They meet John, the owner. Ramona buys shots and orders the help around. Normal people are drinking rum. Ramona has ordered tequila shots. All the ladies are in love with John. I would have done the hot waiter. Ramona cock blocks Bethenny, Carole, and Luann and drunkenly moves in on John. Bethenny and Luann retreat to the picnic table in the sand where Luann who is clearly wasted crawls on the beach on all fours to pet a stray island dog. #OverServed NTTAWWT. The three cock blocked girls are pissed at Ramona.
The next morning Bethenny leaves a day early for Brynn’s recital or something. Ramona has more macramé. This time it is black. Everyone had a great time last night. Kristen is still pissy with Ramona over the John thing. Why would Kristen care? She’s married. Wherever they are going Ramona and Sonja want to leave early because they are ready. Shortly later everyone else leaves. They are off for an infomercial on the Gansevoort Resort. It’s quite lovely. Why didn’t they put them all up? The staff quickly sends them off to the beach. Oh wait. They are spending the last night there. Ramona and Sonja claim their rooms first of course. Clearly, that was the point of leaving early. Dear God in heaven this place is perfection. I will be stripping at The Clermont Lounge this weekend to earn money for a trip. Oh, yes I can. Google it. It’s a um, special kind of strip club.
Once the ladies all reunite. Everyone is pissed at Ramona for spending the whole night trying to hump John’s leg. Who cares? Of all the things to be pissy with Ramona about, this is not one. Ramona says to Carole, “I’m sorry you are offended but you are fucking some 28-year-old.” For once, I agree with Ramona. They are just jealous that she monopolized all of John’s time. But Ramona does the apology thing again. I don’t think she did a damn thing wrong. She just got the time with the hot guy everyone else wanted time with.
Luann and Sonja make up. Or try to. Sonja doesn’t believe the other girls were concerned about her. Sonja cries about her divorce from Mr. Morgan. Luann cries too. It’s a love fest. On the other hand, here is the real truth on how Sonja lost SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS. And it’s not exactly a “poor Sonja” thing.
The ladies all go to their giant tent for champagne and laughter. Kristen and Carole run off to swim only Carole fakes Kristen out and stops short of getting in. Kristen dives in and loses her top. Dorinda and Carole discuss being widowed and how long they would have been married if their husband had lived. Dorinda seemed glad to have Carole because she understands. Carole feels the same way.
Dear god. Who is dressing these women for their last night in Turks and Caicos? They are all very Dynasty. It’s like they borrowed costumes from the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Everyone agrees this is the best vacation ever. Laughter all around. Then they break down into a fight about swearing. Everyone is telling Heather she swears too much. Well not everyone mostly Luann and Ramona. Dorinda and Luann are saying that swearing is uncouth more or less. Luann is fucking drunk. So is Dorinda. Dorinda goes in on Heather for cussing. Heather seems semi-sober. Dorinda is losing her drunken mind over cussing. Dorinda is a slurry mess. I don’t understand why Heather is engaging the two drunk women. Dorinda talks about how her mother taught her better while swearing while she is saying swearing is uncouth. Heather says, “Well your mother must be proud of you now.” Dorinda has a complete meltdown. Luann tries to walk Dorinda out but Heather does it anyway.
Next Week: We sadly say farewell to the Turks and Caicos. But not before Ramona fucks someone and Heather has a fit because there was a naked man in her bed. WTF is she barging into Ramona’s room? Ramona can’t fuck someone on vacation? That’s the best time to fuck someone. And after sort of making up on the island, back in NYC Bethenny is pissed with Kristen for saying bad things about her to the press. Kristen tells Bethenny she doesn’t want to be her friend at this point. Dorinda continues her tirades in NYC.