It’s time for the premiere of Season Ten of Real Housewives of Orange County. So much of our lives wasted watching this nonsense, but I can’t look away.
We start with Heather in the kitchen with her kids making breakfast. Her youngest daughter who looks to be about 4 or five has a pacifier. Heather tells her to take it out because she is not in bed anymore. She refuses and Heather does nothing. I see an orthodontics bill and a shrink bill in that one’s future. Heather goes right into how fine she is at the huge rental house they live in. Pretentiousness already as they ride out to new house that has like 50 foot ceiling in the foyer and a porte cochere which is apparently a new word for them that describes essentially a driveway that goes through a structure to an interior courtyard. Which is not what they have. They have a canopy structure outside their front door that cars can drive under to avoid the elements when entering or leaving. I hate these people again in the very first scene. I can’t deal with another season of NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME! I AM RICH! I’d love to just see their houses without all the constant bragging. Heather is exhausted by purchasing seven thousand dollar sinks for her beauty salon.
At the :40 Heather tells us she has 14 bathrooms in her house. I would be so embarrassed to say that on TV. Especially in California where water is at such a premium.
Vicki goes to meet Shannon for dinner. Shannon is already discussing her new yeast free diet. She doesn’t do salad dressing because it has vinegar. Um, vinegar is super good for you. What does vinegar have to do with yeast. Vicki says that Brooks just moved into the house with her. Shannon says she is glad for her. Brianna is pisssed about it. I don’t care. Brianna needs to put a sock in it. Both Vicki and Shannon look lovely. Especially, Vicki. Vicki says something about how Shannon and David are doing so well now, and Shannon looks like she is hiding something.
Tamra is getting new boobs. Again. Eddie looks terrible. What has she done to him. Tamra is now close with her new daughter-in-law, Sarah. Sarah is almost ready to have the baby. Tamra’s face looks different. She is not wearing much make-up, so that could be it. Tamra claims she learned last season to think twice before she speaks. She says she is going to tell people what they want to hear, “Life is beautiful and my breasts are real.” Tamara says she is not going to share herself with anyone this season.
We get to see Tamra get new boobs. She is upset that none of her “friends” are there for this momentous occasion. Tamra is setting up a lonely victim storyline and I hate it.
Heather goes to meet Meghan for dinner she allows Terry to join them later. Heather is friends with both the second wife and the new third wife he divorced her for. Heather sees no moral issue with this. I promise you the second wife will not be her friend much longer. Somehow they start talking about IVF. Meghan says that Jim has an issue so they have to do IVF. Heather says she did that and has two left over embryos. I hate Meghan. I hate Heather. I really want to fast forward. But this is her first scene. Ah, mercifully it is over.
Later we see Meghan and Jim bickering while Meghan does a talking head saying how Jim is so kind to her and sees her soul or something. He seems like a dick. They bicker a lot. Jim has no idea where his wedding ring is. And here comes the CANCER LIE. They did not move back to OC so Meghan could be on RHOOC, no they moved back because Hayley her step daughter wanted to so she could be near her mom who “is sick.” Hayley’s mom is not sick. She has been in remission since 2012. It’s ironic that everyone will question whether or not Brooks has cancer but will all assume that Meghan is telling the truth about why she moved back. I hate this bitch. And apparently so does her ready-made “family.”
Brooks! Vicki and Brooks are planning a get away to Mexico. Brooks looks like he has lost a lot of weight. He was diagnosed with stage three non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma four months before taping. Vicki is trying to keep him from eating white bread, ranch dressing or cheese and sticking to a decent diet but he is not having it. Brooks is still doing chemo.
Vicki says that Brianna has decided that Brooks doesn’t have cancer. How obnoxious. Vicki is taking Brooks on a first class trip to Mexico to keep his spirits up.
Vicki calls her mom. Which breaks my heart since I believe she dies this season.
Shannon says he marriage has been very bad over the past year. David looks super skinny and not in a good way. Shannon and David are going on a couples retreat. Shannon says the happy ending last season did not last for very long. This couples retreat is some bullshit. Shannon blurts out that David had an affair. We don’t need to know this much. I hate seeing Shannon’s pain.
By the way, Shannon’s parents ALLEGEDLY bankrolled David’s business.
I really don’t want to be watching this stuff let alone recapping it.
Next week: Are they all in Mexico with Vicki and Brooks? I dunno. My brain is full.