Did I mention reunions are the WORST things in the world to recap. I am not going to try to do a blow by blow because I am hungry and mentally exhausted. I’m going to try to paint this picture in broad strokes. I have always thought that carpet that Andy is so protective of looks like a close up of a giant vagina. (Just me?). Moving on .
Wait! Is that a new Murano glass lamp behind Andrew? I want it! but he can keep the fugly shade. What’s up with the giant shade? Oh wait…maybe I get it now. Also, I love Andy’s attempt to dress “southern! “The seersucker jacket and the tie are hits. The oxford shoes, not so much.
Andy starts by pointing out that the town of Charleston thinks they make the Holy City look like a joke. He says they do have a lot of celebrity fans. Whitney explains that Patricia is not there because the forum is to undignified for her. Spoken like a true Yankee.
We start with Cameran. They play on montage of her drunken silliness on election night. She smacked Whitney right in the face. Why do I not have a gif of that glorious moment? Cameran says that her husband loves the show but wants no part of it. Everyone who watches seems to think Cameran and Shep belong together. I love me some Shep but he looks like shit tonight. Sadly, I hear that he and Craig may both have some similar bad habits.
Andy loves Shep. Shep turned 35 this year. Andy asks Shep and Whitney what it is about southern boys and their mamas. Whitney answers that it is probably a southern thing. Um, no. First of all you are not southerner. so shut your pie hole. And secondly it is a gay thing, and you are gay so perhaps we should use a different name for the hole on your face. Come out of the closet, Whitney. Shep has brought a “Craig’s List” a list of all of Craig’s transgressions. Shep calls Craig a high maintenance acquaintance. Andy talks about the rivalry between Shep and Craig. Craig says he has better game than Shep. He says there are two kinds of guys, snipers and crushers. Craig is a sniper and choses the one he wants. Craig is a crusher and will go home with whoever is willing.
Thomas brings up that a lot of people thing Craig and Whitney are gay. Craig says he has a large African-American gay following on social media. Andy does not bring up Whitney. I suppose out of respect for the closet. People want to know why Whitney drives a Mercedes station wagon. The answer is, because it is his mothers. He started spewing car facts. Andy asks when his girlfriend is going to move in with him. He says she is actually going to move in with him in LA. And by LA he means West Hollywood where he lives. I doubt they are taking the double blind beard that far. But if he is, I hope he has plenty of closet space for her.
Katherine points out the beard is younger than she is. Andy says, “Wow you really gave it to Thomas for being with someone so young!” Whitney says, “It’s not about age. I don’t care who he sticks it in. (Waits for Old Testament God to SMITE his lying ass with a bolt of lightning) If you are going to run for office, age difference might have a bearing in public view (shit like this comes out of his mouth all the time when he attempts to use big words. and by big words I mean words most 8th graders can use appropriately in a sentence.) But otherwise, I could give a shit about the age difference.” Andy is like but… he wasn’t running for office in season one! Damn Andrew, why don’t you ask questions like this on the HW reunions? Whitney tries to say Thomas was thinking about running in the first season. Kathryn says she thinks that is a lie. Craig says he thinks it is more personal than political. Kathryn agrees. Kathryn says she thinks Whitney wants to control Thomas because they are both the only two bachelors in Charleston pushing 50. I think they need each other. You can just see Whitney boiling over during that comment trying to think of his next attack on Kathryn.
Andy plays the stupid political ad. Thomas acts like he had no idea of the concept of the ad. He says, ” I didn’t know anything about it. There was these girls there.” Kathryn says what a typical and repeats his stupid comment mockingly. I wonder how many times she has heard that one. Craig is to totally backing up Kathryn at ever turn. Andy asked Ravenel why he didn’t want Kathryn and his baby in the ads instead of the hootchie girls. Thomas blathers some polical BS. Kathryn cuts to the chase. He didn’t want to commit to his family on a public basis. Thomas says “Um because of why….” insinuating it was because of Kathryn’s transgressions. Thomas says he wanted Kinsey to have one parent with her at all times. Kathryn said “No! You said you didn’t want me in the campaign because it would hurt you.” Thomas denies saying that. Kathryn quotes him ” You can have kids out of wedlock but they don’t want to see you on their front porches.” Whitney is rolling his eyes and looking at the ceiling physically showing his jealousy that Thomas and Kathryn are even talking to each other.
Thomas admits he knew he could not win the election. Andy brings up the assault charges. Thomas says that the girl was there filming him and he closed the door behind him. Her hand was in the door. So he did slam the door on her hand. He says he didn’t even kick her out. Kathryn’s eyes are like saucers and Andy is cringing in disbelief at this story. This is so NOT southern charm. Kathryn says that she did not know Lauren was going to file charges and she was pissed at her for dragging her family business into the public view. Landon. She’s the broke one from Georgia who lives on the boat. Still don’t remember. Well she’s on the show. She asks why Kathryn still hangs out with Lauren. Kathryn say she doesn’t. She recently colored her hair. She is a hairdresser. Um, Landon? You don’t break up with your hairdresser. Like ever. They can fuck your husband and you still go to get your hair done.
They show Kathryn backstage during the break talking to someone saying she can’t stand how Thomas is lying about everything. Deny, deny, deny, that is his strategy. Oh sweet girl, Thomas did not invent that strategy, it comes straight from the factory in the Y chromosome. Also, you are too young to pull off bright red lipstick. Leave that to the brunettes who are a bit older.
Insert a little Landon stuff. A little Craig stuff. I am going to eat some chicken salad on saltines during this.
Shep is sort of a little shit on this reunion. He can’t stop trashing Craig. And I’m not overly fond of Craig. The ugliness of Whitney seems to be oozing over and coating Shep. It’s awful. Andy brings up that Craig is studying for the bar. Craig said on Twitter or somewhere that he is taking it in July.
Andy wants to talk about the night on the beach with Kathryn. They are both lying about sleeping in a hole on the beach. So ridiculous. Don’t both of these people live on the beach? Did they not think about tides blowing up their “hole” story? Nothing these people are saying is true.
Time for Whitney versus Kathryn. Whitney is asked if he has ever been the victim of a gold digger. Whitney spews ridiculous lies about his “Svetlanas.” I can’t imagine how he really believes that anyone would believe that he is straight. Richard Simmons is straighter than Whitney. He pretends to be straight. He pretends to be wealthy. He pretends to be southern. He pretends he lives with his mother. That most be such a miserable existence. Channel your inner Caitlyn Jenner, Whitney and just come clean.
Whitney says what he finds most detestable about Kathryn is that she got pregnant to secure her place on a reality TV show. Shep points out that in the first season they both decided to have a baby together. Craig says he had a conversation with Thomas about where babies come from. Cameran said Thomas told her he wanted a baby. It was a planned thing. Thomas says, “I’ll take a mea culpa on that. I guess…” So where all the idiots saying Kathryn tricked poor ole Thomas into having a baby? You still hear? You listening?
Some discussion about child support came up. Thomas is not providing at all for the baby with regard to child support. Kathryn says he doesn’t want to pay it. Thomas said he offered her the maximum allowed in South Carolina. Oh Thomas. You are such a jackhole. The state doesn’t forbid people from paying the appropriate child support for their child. Andy gets Thomas to admit that he is offer to pay $2,500 a month. Um, noe. She cannot keep a similar lifestyle for the baby on that. You put her on Charlotte Street and then give her $2,500 on top of the row house and the utilities and that would be modest, but sufficient. Somebody let me negotiate this deal. With a nanny.
An argument ensues over all the money Thomas spent on Kathryn ($67K to hear him tell it) in the past year. Kathryn says, me going with you on trips pretending to be your girlfriend is not spending money on me. She says apparently she was never his girlfriend and he was flying in all sorts of women to hotels. The word hotel seems to trigger something in Thomas about “all the times they have been kicked out of hotels because of her screaming.” She jumps up and says he is lying and Andy is all like sit your ass back down. Kathryn says, “No this is going to get Legal.” Kathryn starts spouting off that he was fucking a lesbian wrestler at the hotel and that got them thrown out. Or something. Thomas replies, you mean the girl that you were sleeping with? This pleases Whitney immensely. Kathryn starts ranting about some girl on the Daily Mail that Thomas was fucking when they were together. Andy asks Thomas if he fucked a lesbian. Before Kathryn can answer she says, “You did fuck a lesbian.” Shep puts his face in his hands and starts calling out for God. Thomas and Kathryn have an argument about who will look worse in court.
If I were in charge of determining custody of Kensey, I’d give her to Fredrik and Derrick. She would live the high life in NYC. And it’s not like her Daddies would be yankees. They’re European! They’d probably take Kathryn as a package deal and give her an apartment in their building. She could see the baby all the time. Problem solved. You’re welcome. Thomas admits he has been having her followed. Kathryn says he planted a GPS on her car and the PIs follow her everywhere. Her phone has been tapped and computer cached. At the end of that huge fight Andy says he has a sneaking suspicion they will spend the night together tonight. Craig says he would bet money on it. I myself think it is pretty obvious they will. Is this when baby #2 was made?
Andy comes back from the break asking for final words from Thomas. He says, “despite all of their fights, (he is speaking to Kathryn) you are the mother of my child (I didn’t want you to think Andy had Thomas’ baby ) and I care about you and I apologize. I didn’t handle things as a true gentleman should have.” I paused the screen to type that and it is frozen on Whitney’s face and he looks like he is swallowing shit. Production has done a great job capturing Whitney’s misery whenever Thomas pays Kathryn any attention at all positive or negative. Kathryn is crying a bit and says “Thank you I appreciate that and I think I made a lot of irrational decisions based on a lot of emotion given what was going on at the time. And you know I wish we would have had a chance, like with a normal atmosphere, to see what could have happened and we didn’t. And we just have to accept that and I am sorry that, you know, I feel like I focused on the bad times… (sidenote: Andy is eating this up with a SPOON y’all. He lives for this shit.) and not the good times.”
Andy asks if she still loves him, ” She says yeah, absolutely.” Thomas still loves her too. Andy asks if Kathryn if she wants him back. She says she can’t answer that. Thomas says he just wants to be friends. He is skeptical if it could work. Lauren (is that the right name?) Landon. Landon is emotional and is very supportive of the two of them. I have no idea what she did to deserve the wrath of the redhead but it clearly didn’t happen on the reunion. Kathryn doesn’t think Thomas has not been honest with himself about how strong his feelings are.
They end the show with mint juleps in mason jars for everyone. Andy LOVES the mint julep.