Well it’s been an interesting season on Southern Charm. Maybe now that the season is over, Patricia can come on down and sue me for calling her a Yankee. The lawyers all look very dapper in their baby blue seersucker this time of year. Let’s see what sort of shenanigans these folks can get up to for the finale. Shahs has set a very low bar, so I’d be ever so grateful for the mildest bit of entertainment.
I had totally forgotten that Cameran got so wasted at the campaign headquarters party the night before. Then again so was EVERYONE else.
Interior designer Mario Buatta is at Patricia’s pretending like he is deciding where to hang decorative plates. The plates have been in the same spot for eons as noted by the fact that the hooks are already in the wall where they belong. Patricia says her interior design style includes discreet collections of things as the camera pans to a hideous display of ceramic dog figures.
Whitney walks in an Buatta makes fun of his pants. He says they look like a cheap hotel. No ballroom. /groan. Patricia doesn’t get it. She says,” knowing Whitney those pants aren’t cheap!” No, that’s was in fashion in WeHo where Whitney lives. One of my spies had the misfortune of being in the locker room with Whitney at the gym in WeHo recently. I know I have spies everywhere but that is one place I can do without them. Ew.
Patricia begins to explain to us how Kathryn lost the election for Thomas. Because Patricia is a Yankee moron who is reading a script that Whitney wrote. #ShallowGenePools All this Norman Bates Pair ever talks about is Kathryn. Oh! And how rich they are. #amused
JD And Thomas Are Gross
JD and Thomas have a seat under the moon which JD has described as just a nipple hair under a full moon. For some reason production has decided to move the rocking chairs from the porch out into the yard under a large tree. Perhaps we will find out why that is fool hardy in this season. But, I am not getting my hopes up. Thomas is pretending to be upset he lost the election. He had no chance in hell of winning that election and everyone knows it. They talk about, Kathryn. Thomas quotes Steel Magnolias. I really hate when yankees write the scripts for southern shows.
I am trying to figure out how Landon has gone from living on a boat because she is poor to renting a historic property that is spectacular for her new Antique show. It’s all very fabulous but doesn’t quite fit the script we’ve been working with all season. The move in one crate and a bicycle and a chest and then talk about Kathryn. Landon acts like she didn’t promote the fight with Kathryn. She poked the drunken bear and did not like what happened.
Patricia Entertains Two Gay Guys With Whitney Nowhere In Sight
Patricia has a couple of her gay yankee friends from New York over for drinks by the pool. He immediately name drops that he attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton. Has Hillary really been fundraising for that long? My yankee friend in New York was seated next to Hillary and Bill at some fancy pants Opera in New York City not too long ago. There was a full sit down dinner at intermission. He was not at a fund raiser though, he just happens to run in similar circles with such people. He didn’t seem to know much about Patti, when I inquired. How did Whitney manage to miss this scene? They are going to put together a winter wonderland for wounded warriors. So immediately Patti traces her lineage, implying she is a member of DAR, I should check on that.
Kathryn goes to take cooking lessons to please Thomas. You know, Thomas who dumped her on Facebook last episode. I suppose this advertisement for this lady’s business had to included. They spend a few moments in wonder and bewilderment at the site of a parsnip. Oh so she did just say he dumped her on Facebook. Frankenbite? Who knows. The cooking teacher doesn’t know the difference between a roasting pan and a baking sheet.
Cameran and Landon Wrap Their Storylines
Cameran appears to be going through with adopting the three legged dog. She discusses her lack of birthing hips and her lack of desire to be pregnant. Her husband, Jason is ready. She’s not.
Okay, so Landon’s shop is a pop up shop for the weekend. I need to do that. I have more than enough antiques to sell. The house she is using is for sale, so I guess it could also draw a home buyer. The staircase is beyond …everything. I am sure I missed the name of the house. Landon’s mom feels that Landon’s plans are always of the pop up variety and she wants her to get a long range plan. Her mother didn’t want her to get a divorce. Landon feels judged and has a breakdown. They hug it out.
The Two Gay Guys Cover Is Blown
The gay New Yorkers seemed to actually have nothing to do with the wounded warrior event. We met the party planner who was neither of them. Whitney got together some of his “rock star” friends. Shep and Craig are being auctioned off as dates for charity. The event is at Patriots Point on the USS Yorktown. It’s a museum sort of thing. It’s in Mount Pleasant where I spent some of my favorite times. Not on the ship. More on the beach, and the couch, and the bed and well, moving on…
Thomas is there still schmoozing the ladies like he is still running for office. Shep and Craig are swooning over one of the country singers. Craig goes up for auction and the country singer wins the bid for $5,001. Shep is furious. Cameran was the only bid for Shep at $1,750. That was SO scripted. Craig in the red pants from 2010 is in no way cuter than Shep. Though Shep did look like Daniel Boone that night.
This show is an hour and fifteen minutes. WTF is wrong with Bravo?
Shep Is Furious That Craig’s Bid For A Date Was Higher Than His
Kathryn arrives late. She is hope to win Thomas back. She smiles and waves at Thomas in her fur coat. Thomas is already being sucked back in. But then he goes about taking photos with other ladies. Patricia, bastion southern etiquette that she is, bless her heart, says that she would never just show up uninvited at a function, because it is childish. Well Patricia, she is over five decades younger than you, and it is a charity event to raise money for veterans that was open to the public, so I would think her money spends just as well as anyone else’s. Thomas is very turned on by Kathryn’s outfit. While the fur is lovely the dress crosses over into matronly, it’s a line Kathryn rides too closely when trying to play grown up woman married to a politician.
Shep and Craig have a fake fight over the auction. Neither are good actors. Meanwhile, Whitney is railing on Thomas about Kathryn. He is terrified his boyfriend is going to go back to her. This is like the opposite of when girls convince their gay best friend to dump their lover. It makes my brain hurt.
Thomas Breaks Up With Kathryn
Thomas and Kathryn talk. Kathryn says she has been the only one trying in the relationship. Whitney and Jennifer are lurking about watching the conversation. Thomas suddenly decides he just wants to be friends. In one of the most overly dramatic clearly scripted scenes, Kathryn chases Thomas down the walkway to the parking lot. So fake.
Two weeks later, Craig packs up to go home to mommy. Whatever else happened, my DVR cut off. Because an hour an 15 minutes was all it could take.
Next Monday is the reunion and Thomas and Kathryn go at it.