First of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they started with behind the scenes footage of all the women getting spackled and spit shined while Andy Cohen wanders around watching it. Andy mocks Phaedra’s GIGANTIC eyelashes. Everyone is in white and Nene is unsuccessfully trying to channel Olivia Pope. Just moments into the previews, I can see that once again my source was golden. Should I just wait patiently for all the Nenetards and Porsha Stans to apologize for doubting me?
Everyone goes in on Nene, Phaedra and Porsha and reads them for filth. If I didn’t have to blog this ish I’d be over on CNN watching Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown. There is like some kind of director’s cut at 8pm from last season and the premiere is at 9 for season 5 in Korea. I’m taping the second run later.
The hotel they always do this at, not only let them back after the police had to be called TWICE last time. But, they have decked it out in a zen themed set. That is new and I could not for the life of me figure out where they were. But it’s the same room they always use.
Andy starts sucking Nene’s asshole right away talking about her “big ass house.” I suppose you have to be from Atlanta to know what a poor choice of homes that one was. Regardless, anilingus appears to be Andy’s favorite position with Nene. Andy asks how it compares to Chateau Sheree. Nene says, well it is built and it is mine. Point Nene. I love when Andy brings up Chateau Sheree because it draws traffic to my NUMEROUS posts about Sheree Whitfield’s construction site. And yes, it remains INCOMPLETE. Just like Ilanya Vanzant’s assessment of Sheree’s Life. And Patti Stanger’s view of Sheree. Who essentially called her unmatchable. None of the ladies seemed pleased by Nene’s new home. Even Phaedra joined the collection of stank faces.
Did Andy just skip over Kenya to ask Kandi about her anniversary? Why yes, yes he did. Because Andy loves being an asshole to Kenya. But he finally asks her about her appearance on Millionaire Match Maker and say she has an “I found love” glow. Kenya says, ” Yes, thank God. They are taking things slow.” Nene is already doing some eye rolling, I am too good for this shit facial expressions that I am sure will be gifs by next week.
Next we move to Phaedra, then Cynthia, then Claudia. Hey PORSHA STANS! Remember screaming at me because I told you Porsha did not have a peach and is not on the couch until they call for her? Remember you telling me how wrong I was? You can start your anilingus on me now. Thanks.
Then the run the most hysterical fake wig commercial you have ever seen. Much shade throw at Nene (bride of Frankenstein wig) and Porsha (some like it THOT wig) at the end where the legal stuff usually goes the dude says “do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead. I’m dying laughing. Nene said it was all in good fun. Kenya asks how much of her hair is real tonight. She says she has a little ponytail added tonight for drama but she has 24 inches of her own hair. Nene is disturbed by this fact. Andy says, ” Hopefully this is your only prop tonight.” Kenya shoots back, “Andy, lay off.” Because, really Andy is always a jackhole to Kenya. Claudia cannot wait to get off the couch she is on.
Andy returns to Nene’s anus. There is a montage and in there where Claudia throws shade on her Cinderella performance saying she was there for two and a half weeks. In real time, Nene is bothered by that. Nene says she was the highest grossing Madame to ever take the stage on Cinderella. Um, I don’t think they break things down like that, Nene. Phaedra says she did go see Nene. Claudia emailed Nene about tickets but did not make the show. Andy asks Claudia why she chose to go after Nene at “Phaedra’s charity event.” She says she has to take the opportunities when she sees Nene. Claudia said she was not mean, she was just asking a questions. Claudia goes in on Nene. And the two have ridiculous back and forth. Claudia says that the scene at the Mexican restaurant did not show Nene ONCE AGAIN storming out and calling her a bitch.
Nene, having no defense says that for the rest of the day she will be wrong and everyone else will be right. Claudia is hammering her with things like “admitting it is the first step.” Then in true Nene fashion she turns to Andy and tells him to go on to the next question. Andy laps her hole and does just that.
That question was, “Is everything okay with Bryson?” Nene says “Everything is okay with Bryson. He’s 25.”
Andy reads a tweet that Nene sent saying that she was coming for someone at the reunion. He asks who that was, and she says Kandi. Sidenote: The sound is really bad on this show, did Carlos walk before this was edited? Kandi and Nene get into it. Kandi says she thought this year they would maybe be able to communicate. Kandi points out that Nene said stuff about her mother last reunion. They play the “I SAID WHAT I SAID” thing from last year. Nene can’t stay on track with Kandi. She starts bringing up Phaedra’s issues with everyone. Kandi brings up all the shit Nene talked about Phaedra calling her a head doctor etc. And suddenly, Nene is Phaedra’s rock? I hate Kandi’s dress. Nene says that Phaedra was hurt that her friend was not calling her. Nene is doing this ridiculous you are right and I am wrong thing all through the show. My source said Nene melted down and no one was sure why. The editing is going to make it seem like “mommy issues” later, but Nene is about to cry arguing with Kandi. Nene is starting her victim routine right now. And Kandi KNEW It was coming because she said earlier when Nene did the whole “Everything is my fault” is about Nene trying to play a victim card. Nene will apparently escalate her victimhood for the entire reunion until she….WAIT FOR IT…. storms off.
Kandi discloses that Nene sent everyone personal texts between Nene and Cynthia over the years to Kandi and Team Pretty to try to turn them against Cynthia. WOW. Kandi tells Nene that is not how a friend acts. Nene admits she did it. Kenya has not opened her mouth. Then they do the whole WE SEE EACH OTHER thing.
Next, we move to Phaedra. Doesn’t Andy’s tongue ever get tired? He would have been a great heterosexual lover. I’m just saying. Phaedra says she has not taken the boys to Apollo yet. They would have been waiting in the snow with a one year old for hours. Blah, blah, blah. Is that Phaedra nipple full out on my TV? Kandi says she has been to the prison where Apollo is multiple times and a lot of families bring their kids there. It’s not a big deal. Phaedra has not filed for divorce. Phaedra cries and for some reason wants us to know she has plenty of money and does not need the show. Interesting. Because the streets say she is having money problems. Phaedra says that Apollo has a temper. She refuses to answer whether or not Apollo has gotten physical with her.
On to Claudia.
Porsha is finally allowed to come out so that Claudia can read Porsha for filth. Andy says her dress looks a bit like Kenya’s she says she had not noticed. Kenya says that her hair is styled like hers was on the last reunion. Porsha says,” Thanks for being a secret shopper of go Naked. I see you just got the pony tail.” Dayum, that had to be planned in advance there is no way Porsha is ever that quick. Andy asks if she is wearing Porsha’s hair. She say no, she doesn’t shop at three dollar bundle hair dot com.
Claudia finally got to move to her own couch. Porsha says that Claudia started asking around about her personal life. Porsha denies “dating” a married man. Porsha is now saying Kordell cheated on her. Claudia says as a former journalist, she will not bring up things that are not true. In Manila when Porsha was drunk she actually confessed to screwing the married guy. Porsha’s face drops. Porsha basically tells her to stay out of her business. Claudia says she feels sorry for Porsha because she doesn’t rely on her actual gifts to get herself ahead. Claudia says her presents are not gifts from God. Thank you! Andy asks Claudia if she knows Porsha’s ummm friends. Claudia says that she knows a few people and one of them knows the married man in question. Porsha is freaking out and talking over Andy and Claudia. Porsha says this is moving toward slanderous territory. Claudia says “Then file a lawsuit against me if you’re about that life.” BAM!
Remember the when I said, EVERYBODY GETS A TURN ON PORSHA? Well now it is Cynthia’s turn. Right after Porsha threatening Claudia with a slander lawsuit about her whoring herself out to married men, Cynthia brings up that Porsha said on TV that her husband was cheating on her, and he wasn’t. Porsha said she just told Phaedra. Cynthia says there were cameras there and four million people were watching. Phaedra tries to jump in and Cynthia says, I have heard about Apollo cheating on you since your first season and I never said a word. Porsha tells Cynthia she needs to check in with the waitresses at Bar One. Porsha tells Cynthia she needs to look inside… Cynthia shoots back, so do you, way deep inside (with hand gestures). That whole couch cracks up. Ain’t no telling what one might find deep inside Porsha but it seems like lots of people are rooting around up in there. Allegedly. How can this idiot laugh and giggle about being the Princess of THOTland and not recognize she is being called a whore by EVERYONE and sit there all surprised that someone my question her integrity?
Claudia says she did standup since filming and it went well.
Time to move to Kenya.
Kenya tells Andy that she is “in negotiations” for Life Twirls On. Andy says, ” You self financed a half hour comedy? that seems like a bad business move.” I’ve been saying that since she did it. It is a bad business move, UNLESS it gets picked up. We shall see.
The left couch is all happy go lucky and the right side looks like they have smelled Nene’s farts. Maybe they have.
Kenya’s mom is still alive and the last time she saw her was at her grandfather’s funeral. It was the first time her mother had spoken to her. She said, “Hello, Kenya.” Nene rolls her eyes. Despite the fact that soon she will be wailing on the floor saying she can’t continue because she can’t discuss her mother. Andy mentions to Porsha that she still has not apologized to Kenya for brutally attacking her on the last reunion. Porsha says she never will. She does not deserve and apology. Andy, like the rest of us says, “Wow, okay.” Kenya brings up the 50th anniversary of Selma. She says that Porsha’s grandfather was so instrumental in that and for her to sit here today…. Porsha starts screaming over Kenya again. She’s trying to get Andy to make Kenya leave her family out of it. Andy says she is speaking highly of your family. And dumb ole Porsha shuts up. Until she doesn’t. She goes off and says that Kenya is broken inside because she doesn’t have a mother and a lot of the things that Porsha has. You know what she has that you don’t you stupid THOT? INTELLIGENCE, character, dignity and social graces. And I would like to drag your THOT ass across that floor right now and kick you in the cunt. You are a disgraceful excuse for a female human being.
Phaedra actually supports Porsha a little bit. I was told that Phaedra and Nene did nothing to stop the gang bang on Porsha. But then I realized this was just Phaedra wanting to let us know she went to the 50th anniversary of Selma and that Kenya does nothing to support anything. Except you know every charity event ever on RHOA, and all the charities on Celebrity Apprentice, and her donation to the Detroit Public Schools and being a role model for young black women in pageants. Meanwhile, Phaedra the last godddamn charity event you did you had YOUR NAME plastered in pink over the actual charities name for the kitchen volunteers. AND My email was flooded with people saying that charity is a FRAUD and asking me for help to get their money back that they donated. Shut the fuck up, Phaedra.
Phaedra goes after Kenya calling her a whore again and says there are plenty of whores in the bible and they were redeemed. Kenya says if she were a whore there would be a museum about what a fantastic whore she was. Kenya SLAYS Phaedra with a rant about what she would do and have is she was a whore. I’d recap it in all it’s glory but I’m under the weather and 30 minutes behind. Kenya just won Part one of the reunion though.
And I have revealed a blind item in one of the links here tonight….sssshhhh.
EDITED TO ADD: The purpose of the Easter Egg Blind Item is not for you to be the first to find up, but for people to go on the hunt… Don’t ruin the game for everyone in comments.