I’m gonna go ahead and guess that no secrets will be revealed tonight. I plan on having a snack while blogging, which is impossible if something is actually going to happen. These “secrets revealed” shows used to have new footage and show outtakes and shit but lately it’s just more reunion crap we have already heard three times.
Secret One: Jax is a douche satchel who gets chick’s name tattooed on him.
Secret Two: Kristen is obsessed with Sandoval.
Secret Three: LVP has three restaurants and works hard.
Secret Four: Peter’s edit for this season is loser who can’t get laid.
Secret Five: The Toms love each other, and themselves, and having pictures made of themselves.
Secret Six: Jax doesn’t want the Toms to have relationships with women whether real or scripted.
Secret Seven: Jax and the Toms do a bunch of gay shit together.
Secret Eight: Scheana took her dad and Shay to LVP’s DWTS’s dance partner, Gleb for lessons before the wedding.
Secret Nine: Jax is a sexting whore. He sends dic pics.
Secret Ten: The guys went skinny dipping in Miami.
I’m out of snacks…
Secret Eleven: Katie and Stassi are no longer friends. But they used to do dumb stuff.
Secret Twelve: Lisa hired a restaurant consultant to spy on the SURvers. She ignored his suggestions.
Secret Thirteen: I’m not sure what secret thirteen is supposed to be. It involves Katie being up Stassi’s butt.
Secret Fourteeen: Shay wrote a song for Scheana. He sang it for her after the wedding while everyone was drunk. It was one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen.
Is this it? Please say this is it.