Cheers, motherfuckers! I am officially done with Lent with regard to the drinking. Please pray for the rest of us as we soldier on here. I think I made it 28 days, lost nary an ounce of weight, saw now improvement in my disposition and so fuck it. I was in full-blown self-pity mode so I figure a few beers will bring me to a much more preferable I don’t give a shit mode. So off we go.
We are back in Amsterdam. It really does look lovely. Speaking of lovely, I for whatever reason have been looking at lots of old picture of Kyle Richards lately. She has always been super stunning. Also while I am off topic, several tattle tales sent me stories today about Gigi Hadid having a serious coke habit, ALLEGEDLY. I have been out of sorts all day and have not looked into it. I certainly hope it is not true but many of you claim to have seen some convincing video.
So apparently, Brandi fucks one of Lisa Vanderpump’s son Max’ school friends the night before. I say, good for her. YOLO and shit. Get it while the getting is good, etc. Brandi is buying flowers for Lisa Vanderpump to make up for slapping her. Brandi says it was a joke. See? Once again, Brandi doesn’t get that JOKES ARE FUNNY. Slapping is not funny. Brandi tries to give Lisa some flowers but she rejects them. Brandi seems to be pissy that Lisa will not accept her apology for her “joke.” Lisa Vanderpump is laying into Yolanda about taking it easy on Brandi. Lisa says, “she’s your asshole, she’s not mine.” Why is Yo pretending to wear clogs? Those thing are brutal.
Lisa talks to Ken on the phone who tells Lisa to stay away from Brandi. Ken is such a good husband. Lisa misses him. So sweet.
Is Yolanda getting paid extra to try to counsel Brandi? This could be the beginning of the Yolanda and Brandi breakup. Brandi says she will skip dinner and go on her date with her boytoy. He’s 23. I still say this is the smartest thing Brandi has ever done. Just check his ID first just in case. And skip dinner. What on earth could he possibly say of any interest. Let’s not make this more than it is. Oh dear. The boy is late. Brandi is already drunk. Brandi starts talking about how kissing and making out is more intimate than “that other thing” and the boy, who is sadly not subtitled, seems to be saying that she did not do “the other thing” right away. Whatever. We get it. They’re fucking. Either film it and show it or move on. The boy has either chin acne or bush burn. What? I’m just commenting on what I see when the DVR is paused. Drunk Brandi begs for a kiss in the restaurant on camera. Just to make it clear, she’s getting it. The boy says last night was good, tonight is going to be better. Let’s get out of here. Brandi announces that she has had three drinks. Um, perhaps at that establishment, but she had at least five in her hotel room.
So we have dinner without Brandi at a lovely restaurant on the canal. YAY! Everyone except Kim is happy. Who is the man sitting next to Lisa? Yolanda mentions that she dated Julio Iglesias thirty years ago, as we all do at a formal dinner in Amsterdam. Then everyone reveals famous people whose knob they have polished and everyone titters gleefully and orders some more champagne. Only they don’t show that part for some reason. The women start talking about wanting to go to a “real life sex show.” Um why. If I were Brandi on this night, a real life sex show would be in the cards. What I would not want to do is go to a real live sex show with Yolanda, the Lisas, Kim, Kyle and Eileen. Because, what would be the point of that? I suppose they did by new dildos in Amsterdam earlier, but still. This is a big no. Oh the guy next to Lisa is Yo’s brother. He joins in on the sex show discussion, because the only thing more horrifying than going to a sex show with a bunch of coworkers is going with a bunch of coworkers and their brother.
Yolanda does look HOT in her black dress. It’s stunning on her. With enough drinks I might go to a sex club with her.
Again, the editing of these episodes seems quite fucked by things being taken out. Suddenly we are back in Beverly Hills. Hear me now and listen to me later, there has been some serious last minute editing and pulling of large chunks of film from the end of this season.
Brandi’s father is in the hospital. Brandi is distraught. When she isn’t filming RHOBH or a dating farce on Steve Harvey. Feel free to feel compassion for Brandi but in real time she was out doing media and hosting parties at clubs when all of this was going on. Excuse me if I care at or below the same level she did. Brandi is getting a facial and is pissed that people say she drinks too much and….”do a cleanse!” and she can’t say anything. Wow, she is pissed about Yo telling her to do a cleanse. For some reason Yo is watching Brandi get a facial. Because getting a facial is clearly a spectator sport. I know I want people to sit there and berate me and make me cry while I get a facial ON TV! WTF consents to getting a goddamn facial on TV? Clearly she was drunk, AGAIN. Yolanda doesn’t really seem like a good friend to Brandi in this moment. I would expect my friend to say to production, ” Her dad is in the hospital and this whole chastise her on camera with no makeup in a very vulnerable situation scene is not happening.” Hell I would have said that if I didn’t like Brandi.
So how much did Adrienne Maloof pay to have the finale episode taped at her party for diet pills or whatever she is pushing these days? It must suck to go from being paid to be on the show, to buying advertising. ALLEGEDLY.
Kyle meets with Lisa Rinna and says she wants to invite Kim to go away to the desert with her for a weekend or something. Meanwhile, Kim is sharing her thoughts with her BFF Adrienne Maloof while she holds up her product. Okay, maybe they cut out the part where she was holding up product. But it was IMPLIED. ALLEGEDLY.
Lisa Rinna tells Kyle that Brandi was asking Lisa about an intervention. Kyle says that this would make Kim mad that Brandi is talking about Kim’s “situation.”
OMG. Lisa is performing a wedding and the grooms show up in a vintage Rolls. If I am ever filthy rich, I want a 1964 white Rolls with a driver just like Arthur had in the movie. I will be driven absolutely everywhere in it from Trader Joe’s to Tiffany & Co. I will never be wearing those fugly red bottomed shoes. But I will be weighted down in gold bangles….and… oh…sorry…where was I? Oh yeah. Lisa loves the gays they got married LVP officiated. She could have learned her lines. It was lovely…moving on.
So Kyle and Kim head to the desert. Kyle and Mauricio have a new house there. It’s stunning. I love all of Kyle flowing hippie chic muumuus. Kyle has been my favorite this year. I love Kim’s flannel shirt. What is mandatory? Misters?
Oh Lord, we are going into the Palm Springs home their mother owned saga. She left the house to all the sisters. Kathy and Kim were both bought out because they both already had homes in Palm Desert. Kim feels like Kyle and Maurico “stole her house in Palm Springs.” I get this. We had similar situation in our family. I am going to guess before I go any further that the houses were priced at a family price and the people who wanted cash got cash and the people who wanted ownership of the property took that. Houses are valued low to encourage liquidation of assets. Everyone has the same opportunity to liquidate. Sometimes, someone keeps the property. Those who take the cash and
snort spend it, often feel they got the short end of the stick. That said, this is a new house that Kyle and Mauricio have bought. Apparently, the sold the old one first because of all the drama. Kim tries to make it seem like she was not even allowed to come to the house. Yet Kim asked Kyle to give Brooke the listing. Kyle’s point is that the house was not in escrow as Kim claims when she told her they were selling. Kim is busted for asking for Brooke to get the listing. Um Kyle has a husband who owns a real estate company and her daughter Farrah works there. Let Kathy deal with Brooke and her listings.
Kim tries to say she is sober. She is very pissy about Lisa Rinna asking what treatment center she went too ( Cirque Lodge) does she have a sponsor (apparently not) etc. Um Kim, YOU WERE ON A REALITY SHOW AND THIS INFORMATION IS ALL OVER THE INTERNET! Why not just share with Lisa Rinna if you are sober and doing well? How about, I went to Cirque, it was great, I speak to my sponsor every day. I am so grateful for my recovery! Unless of course you are popping Monty’s pills and being aggressive with everyone and acting exactly like you did before you went to rehab.
I must say that Kim looks sober in this scene.
Kyle tells Kim that Brandi told Lisa Rinna that Kim needs an intervention. Dinner burns. Kim claims to love Kyle and she wants to work through it. They hug. But kim is too messed up.
Next week on the finale: Adrienne gets her product placement (at what price) and things with Kim and Kyle get worse. Oh and Brandi is drunk again. Shocker.