I am so behind on recapping this week. I promise Dance Moms and Catfish and more are in the pipeline. Things are just a bit busy around here today. But first let’s go to those lovely ladies from down under, the Real Housewives of Melbourne. NOW IN PRIMETIME!
They are only doing the previews and I’m already thrilled with this episode!
We start the season with Lydia driving her convertible down by the water. I forget why we don’t like Lydia. I think perhaps she was too pretentious last season for some of you. I have to say, she won my heart by flying to a cheese shop. If there is anything worth cranking up the private jet for in my book, it’s good cheese.
Jackie is just too young for this show in my opinion. I’d like to get through an episode with her “keeping I real.” Can’t we retire that dated phrase in 2015? I’m going to try to be open, but if I turn out not to be on her side, I’ll be just fine with that. In an attempt to win me over, they send Jackie to lunch with Lydia and Chyka for our first scene. Jackie notes that Lydia has lost “a ton of weight.” I really don’t notice weight fluctuations in people unless it is quite massive. I don’t see any huge difference in Lydia, she was always at a nice weight wasn’t she? Already Jackie seems to be taking digs and they haven’t even had their first salad together yet.
Side note: The Five- Two diet that they ladies mention can be found here. It’s basically eating normally for five days out of the week and fasting for two.
And we are just five minutes in when the vagina jokes/discussions begin. Is this really a global phenom among wealthy women of the world as the Real Housewives Franchises would have us believe? Because I find it nauseating. In this case the ladies are ordering “wet pussies” as a cocktail. Remember in college when buttery nipples and screaming orgasms were so scandalous to order? It’s just not a good look for perimenopausal women.
Side note: To make a wet pussy combine 1 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur 2 oz Irish cream and6 oz milk.
While driving down the road talking to her dogs, Janet decides to call Jackie. We hate Janet, right? I feel immediate disdain for her despite my ever eroding brain being unable to recall the particulars regarding why. She just sort of exudes cuntiness. Janet is having a “potty” and it seems all the girls will be there. Janet has a new boyfriend named Carlos (or kah las) who was supposed to have her birthday party at his establishment but at the last-minute that doesn’t seem possible. Oh dear. Carlos is young, with a receding hairline and way too smiley.
Janet goes to her hairdresser, Patrick. So far what I am gleaning is that no one is to keen on filming with Janet. Janet is there to get help choosing a dress for her potty. Lord knows she needs help. I do like the dress she is wearing in this scene though. Janet makes an issue about Patrick’s long hair. Is he wearing weave? Dear lord. Patrick’s face as Andrea pulls out all of these sparkley rainbow brite monstrosities is priceless. Thankfully, Gina calls back and gives him a moment to figure out how to find her something decent to wear.
Back at the Wet Pussy Luncheon
Chyka explains that Jackie’s psychic abilities are real. And Lydia shares that her son is getting married in Florence soon. OMG! OMG! Are we going to Florence? I want to go to Florence! Lydia has an assistant running her errands on preparation. Jackie seems to think this is ridiculous. Really? I don’t find that overly extravagant at all. I’d much rather see a housewife spending money on things that give her more time to enjoy her life than say, shoes. Jackie seems to have an issue with Lydia already. Lydia wants to pick up Gina and take her to the potty and apologize to her for last season. I hope these two team up because I like them both.
Finally. The first shot of her is her walking past a story with the words “The Bitch Is Back” on the awning. Is that for real or did they superimpose that? Gina goes to lunch with her sister Bettina. She’s just back from LA. Apparently, Gina and her “potnah” are back on and she eventually plans to move to LA. Gina is already hinting at making up with Lydia. YAY!
Chyka rides to the party with Jackie. Chyka likes Jackie, so I’m trying. Their happy! happy! Shine! Shine! Shine! limo ride juxtaposed with Gina and Lydia dead silence is hilarious. Gina’s opening line is, “I heard you and Andrew are separated.” Lovely. Lydia gives a lovely apology which is accepted without reciprocation.
Janet is hoping that her son will come to her party as his first outing after his horrific accident. Gamble arrives for her first appearance on our screens. She paints and has a dog and lives on the beach. She’s a contemporary art consultant. What’s not to love? I can’t understand her. I think she is saying that she met her man on d-harmony. He’s an ophthalmologist. I need subtitles for this conversation. Especially because I can’t see their lips move in a lot of the scenes. She arrives with a lovely orchid for the birthday girl.
Janet’s son Jake arrives at the party. He is just recovering from being burned at a party. He looks amazing! He’s had so many surgeries.
Janet is acting like Gamble should be terrified to meet Gina. And she refers to her as “the drag queen” as she enters the party. Gamble points out that Janet is not being particularly kind to her invited guest. Gamble falls in love with Gina. Janet is not thrilled with this alliance. Gamble is not feeling Lydia
Pettifleur has arrived. She’s a cunt. I hate her. Please let Gina hate her too. Her “potnah” seems miserable and perhaps is praying for death. Oh god. Gina is double kissing her already. NO GINA! NO! Pettifleur is being a cunt to Gamble. This makes me like Gamble more.
Gina likes her new minion, Gamble. So they meet the next day for a filming.
Um, who is the hot guy with the pig? I can’t believe it is Carlos. Something about being outdoor with a pig makes him hotter. I wish my gaydar worked in Melbourne. Micheal? Thoughts?
Anyway, Janet meets Carlos and wants to talk about rumors about Gamble.
Next Week: Lines are drawn between Janet and Gamble.