I just realized how much I’ve missed this show. I hate that the production strike delayed things so long because this season is supposed to be super good and filled with drama! Perhaps the wait will give the presumed bride to be a bit of time to reconsider her decision? I mean take a page from Reza and his fiancé who are not in a hurry to marry.
Reza and Asa are going gold shopping. I am not sure where this store is, but I want to find it. Reza is buying a Rolex and he will get a better deal than what they are saying on air for promotional consideration (there is more of that on this show than any other) still. I am surprised those watches are only $35K.
Anyway, this is all to say that Asa parents are moving in with her while she has their house renovated. And Reza’s man’s parents are coming to town or something. Sorry. I was distracted by the gold.
Mike drops by his parents with chocolates and champagne shows them the engagement ring he bought for Jessica.
GG has a new apartment that needs a bit of spicing up. Reza and MJ say they will redo everything with a budget of $2,ooo. I am surprised and a bit disbelieving that GG needs help with interior design. But whatever, let’s suspend our disbelief.
MJ has a boyfriend! His name is Charlie and they are going on a picnic! Charlie doesn’t look Iranian. Oh God. He’s Jewish. Her mother is going to have a cow. He is also ten years younger than she is, which I think is great.
REZA AND ADAM
It appears that Reza and Adam are still engaged and still living together. There always sees to be so much food involved at their place. All of these fabulous Iranian spreads. Reza’s decorating style is sort of dizzying. They are having the gang over for Nowruz (Persian New Year). Which means is it the spring equinox. It’s almost Nowruz again! GG is fresh off of a butt enhancement surgery and can barely sit down. MJ says that Charlie wants her to convert to Judaism. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here MJ, this is not your last best hope. Keep perspective. MJ has been daing him for a whooping two months. Mike is on the phone texting the whole time.
Asa is trying to cleanse her parents life by renovating her house. Asa is trying to get her parents to stop hoarding. OMG I love Asa’s mother who quotes Boys to the Men, “It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday.” Wiser words were never spoken, Mama Joon. Asa gets that her parents hoard because they came with no things so they want to hold on to all the things they have now. It’s very sweet that she gets that. My parents were products of the depression and never wanted to spend any money save things too, in case they needed it. I have a touch of that myself.
The Persian New Year is celebrated over the course of two weeks and Asa is hosting a ritual where everyone jumps over a fire to purify all the BS from the previous year and allows a fresh start. See? We can feel good about watching this show because we get to learn about other customs and…. oh fuck who am I kidding it’s all going to go to drunken brawling in a few episodes just like the rest of them. But let’s enjoy this episode tonight, shall we?
It is here we meet the new chick, Asifa. She is coming in as GG’s friend, a party girl. Asifa’s first talking head is kind of crazy. Apparently she has a boyfriend named Bobby who used to be best friends with a “psychopath” who dated Mike. Oh honey, this is not a good first impression. You are dating a psychopath’s best friend that used to fuck Mike (like um, who hasn’t fucked Mike?)??? Jesus Christ woman, all you had to do is be less annoying than Lily. Your bar has been set so low. Please, don’t fuck this up. Asifa is batshit crazy. It remains to be seen if she is fun batshit or someone put her out of her misery batshit. Time will tell. Let us be ever hopeful that the odds are in our favor.
Next MJ arrives with some hot guy who is not her boyfriend Charlie. This guy looks like a new and improved version of Mike. His name is Shervin. He’s one of MJ’s clients. She needs to be fucking him. I’m just saying.
Anyway back to the fire jumping. After a few drinks, you are supposed to jump the fire and say (in Farsi) “Give me your heathy red glow and take away my yellow color away.” And the girls are doing it with Loubs on so there is potential for something to go horrifically wrong, which is always a plus. It a good thing most girls don’t wear hose anymore. Asifa is afraid to jump. It seems self-defeating to jump both ways. I mean, I’m not Iranian but are they sure they are supposed to jump both ways?
Asifa is dating her ex-husband. Because, crazy. I want Asa to cook for me. MJ and Reza are obsessed with Mike’s penis. Jessica is getting pissed. Asifa asks no one in particular if Mike has a micro penis. I think she is the only one at the party who has not seen it yet. Mike is pissed at Asifa over the comment. Mike is drinking a lot because he is irritated. MJ and Reza talk about the wedding. MJ wants to know if she and Asa are going to be dual maids of honor. Reza says she is his and Axa is Adams. Oh this better not change because MJ is thrilled to get to be head fag hag in the wedding. SHE IS THE FAVORITE!
They are already drunk when they get on the party bus. It’s HUGE. Like bigger than a greyhound size bus, bus. EVERYONE is wasted. Especially Mike and MJ and GG. Reza smartly orders sliders and flatbreads and encourages lots of eating. Asifa’s date Bobby shows up. Mike is still butt hurt over the micro penis comment. Reza and Mike laugh at Bobby because his butt flap is still tacked shut on his new jacket. Reza is now drunk and he is no longer making good choices. Now he suddenly thinks it is wise to try to get Mike to apologize to Bobby which is so not going to happen. Jessica, who used to be all sweet and innocent while converting to Judaism is now stepping up to back her man during an altercation with another man. She doesn’t even look feminine anymore. Maybe it all the rumors about Mike cheating.
Mike is drunk and trying to keep the jacket that Bobby took out before beating his ass. The girls are all in the situation. It’s ridiculous. Reza smoothes things over and Mike gets nudged toward the exit with Jessica. Jessica is ripping her jacket off screaming for people to get her mike off of her. She calls Mike stupid. Mike just stands there drunk until MJ suggests that someone take him home before he hits someone.
I’m excited for this season. Is MJ pregnant by this Jewish kid? How long until I hate this show again? Is there a pool?