Why the hell are all of the Bravo production companies married to the idea of having so many damn rehash scenes at the beginning of every episode? Jax and Tom and Ariana, Katie and Stassi’s new butt barnacle, James and Lisa… enough! The new episode doesn’t start until seven minutes in!
And sadly the new episode starts with Stassi and Peter meeting for lunch. Oh wait. It’s another rehash scene. I keep trying to squint and see the hot Peter I used to see, and sadly, hot Peter is lost forever. sigh. This is a classic case of a man who should keep his mouth shut and his clothes off. Stassi has that fat face thing happening. Is she pregnant too or is this some new thing woman are having done to themselves? Is a moon face in or something?
FINALLY a full 14 minutes into the episode, we have new material. Kristen and James face off for the first time. Do these two live together or nah? They are at an outside café for lunch and Kristen blurts out “Tequila” before the waitress can finish asking what they want. I can feel the awkwardness of this conversation. I may have had a similar one on more than
six one occasion. Though in my defense, I didn’t hit anyone. James takes full responsibility and professes his love. James is bothered by Kristen’s obsession with Sandoval. Kristen’s position is that she wants to clear her name regarding Sandoval calling her a liar about Miami Girl. Um, Kristen darling, you were not in Miami and have no idea what happened with Miami girl! Give it a rest dear and go play with you little busboy. Is there nothing amusing about it? They hug it out at the end. The busboy is whipped.
Katie and Schwartz , Tom and Ariana, and Jax go out for drinks at a bar near SUR. That is five people. Four jalapeno margaritas were served. Let’s see if Katie knows she is pregnant yet. She doesn’t look pregnant in the face here. She does look beautiful. It’s hard to even remember that she was that vile chick with the orange hair not to long ago. She’s really stepped up the sophistication game. Schwatz says he needs a specific amount of money in his bank account to be ready to be married. In other words, he needs another trust fund payout first? Because employment is not Schwartz’s strong suit.
Jax lets us know that he is friends with both Kristen and Tom. I kinda got that when he fucked Kristen on their couch while Tom was sleeping. Now Jax seems to be put upon to be friends with two people that he had a major hand in breaking up. Poor Jax. Everyone gossips about Kristen. These people would have nothing to talk about if not for Kristen. It seems that Kristen, Jax’s friend Carmon and another chick went out to a strip club and they all got thrown out. But all they talk about is Kristen. These people just don’t understand the enjoyment factor of crazy people. Five jalapeno margaritas are served. Katie sips hers.
Scheana is back from her honeymoon in Maui and is railing on James as if the incident with James and Kristen ruined her wedding. I get it is storyline, but it is stupid storyline. Much like the dog adoption party which I will likely ignore.
Lisa tells Jax to tell the truth. Which means that Jax will rat Sandoval out for banging that Miami girl.
Kristen invites Stassi to breakfast. She must REALLY want Stassi to do something for her. Stassi’s boobs are as huge as her face! Is she pregnant too? If she is she was pregnant before Katie who was not showing during filming. Why am I obsessed with this? Sorry. Moving on. Besides, it’s a Kristen scene. I mustn’t be distracted by Stassi’s boobs. But I mean they really are abnormally large. Okay. Stopping.
Stassi says it is weird to sit down and talk to Kristen because they used to be best friends. Hmmm just like Stassi and Katie used to be best friends. What do these situations have in common?
Anyway, I didn’t pay any attention to what Kristen and Stassi were saying because of the horrendously shitty editing. Clearly this scene was filmed MULTIPLE times. and hacked together by morons. So all I could do is what the paper covering for the straws appear and disappear. It was sort of mesmerizing.
Jax and Sandoval talk about…..Kristen. Sandoval tells Jax he should not be talking about him to Kristen. Jax’s scar on his forehead looks like it is going to need surgery to fix. Sandoval gives Jax a lecture on how friendships work. Jax looks confused.
Stassi downloads the minion. Two more minutes of rehash.
Jax, Kristen, Rachel, Scheana and Shay are out to dinner. Kristen and Rachel are Eskimo sisters since Jax has fucked everyone who is not married at the table. Kristen tries to map out the SUR SLUTTY BEHAVIOR TREE diagraming all of the people and who they have slept with in an attempt to point out she is not the only whore at SUR. She wants to prove she is not lying about Miami girl. I’m not sure who it is that matters to Kristen that she is trying to prove this to. But whatevs. Scheana certainly doesn’t care and she lists all of Kristen’s crazy behavior as if they are not the BEST THINGS EVER! I suppose it is different when you are around Kristen in real life, but as a viewer of a fake reality show it really doesn’t get much better.
JAX TELLS SCHEANA THAT SANDOVAL SLEPT WITH MIAMI GIRL!
Point. Set. Match. Kristen! YES! Bonus points for Scheana being all butt hurt over it.
Kristen goes crying chick crazy on Scheana. It was kind of sad. 🙁
Next Week: The Vanderpump Rules Season Finale. I’m sort of not ready to be done with this show. At least the reunion will be fun! With the whole dramatic BABY/ENGAGEMENT announcement!