I was watching The View this morning trying to figure out the mood of the show and checking my emails when someone was kind enjoy to share that Nene Leakes was Co-hosting The
Ratchet Real this morning. So I flipped the channel and hit record a good five minutes in. I am going to TRY to see if anything interesting was said but I am not making any promises I can get through the whole thing. Because, ratchet.
The first lie Nene tells is that she doesn’t like going to events like the Grammy parties because she has to get a dress and
do her hair buy some hair like product to glue to her head. She says she would rather be home with her fetch and step boy husband. This is the same Nene that has been screaming that “she has arrived” in Hollywood for the past however long. Perhaps this is self-talk to prepare her for her anticipated return to obscurity and shady deals.
They talk about their spouses friends and Nene points out she and Gregg don’t have that problem. They choose their own friends. Nene basically says Gregg isn’t the type to hang out with the guys so she doesn’t have that problem. That short leash is really working.
Nene is wearing a long blond wig with looser
noodles curls and a sequinsy tan jumpsuit. Lord, I just saw the whole thing. Let me try to find you a picture. Okay, I found two. Trust me it’s even worse on TV. She and Tamar seem to have the same mentality. Nene is not saying much just bobbing her head and fake laughing and clapping.
Next up is a fashion segment where they check out dresses for Valentine’s Day. Nene introduces the first model as “The flirty Valemtimes Day girl!” Nene is um, very energetic today. Nene says, ” with this look she says she’s got legs for days, just like ME! WhooHoo!” Then she proceeds to kick her leg up in the air. Maybe manic would have been a better adjective than energetic. Nene says, “Okay so this next look for da goody Valemtimes Day girl….lessssss check it out!” Another good adjective might be slurry. Slurry and manic and clappy. Oh so clappy. Her hands are going to hurt after this show. When the model comes out Nene is literally screaming at this point. About herself. I would wear that! Some people are afraid of print, but not me honey! Love that! Clappity, clap, clap! The other chick says she likes the model’s short hair and height and that Nene could pull off that dress. Nene starts talking about her love for short hair but she is wearing long today and starts tossing her hair around and playing with it. The model is giggling.
Next up, Tika Sumpter was a guest. She plays Candice on The Haves and The Have Nots on OWN. I LOVE that show. It’s a Tyler Perry production so it is blocked like a play more than a TV show which just makes the whole campy soap opera more fun. Tika is brilliant in her role. It’s odd to see her as herself she’s nothing like Candace and is barely recognizable if you mostly know her as Candace. I wish T. Kyle would make us a gif of Nene tryna get up off the couch to greet her. I’m just saying.
Nene’s question is supposed to be about who Tika is seeing. But Nene wants to point out that they have gone to brunch together. And she is doing all of these Price As Right model moves with her arms as she asks the questions. I’m really starting to regret not telling you guys to watch this show. You really should watch it if you can find it on demand or something. And if you are the type that likes to drop a little acid, I suspect it would make the show all that much more intriguing. Sidenote: I used to live next door to this frat boy in college who was always dropping acid (and acid wasn’t even a popular drug at the time.) and he liked to watch shows on that 700 channel or whatever with all the TV evangelists because they moved their arms a lot which made colorful trails or something. He would so dig this show. Anyway, I paused to mention the bizarre arm and hand tics and then her question was full of machine gun sounds and “dis dat and de udder” let’s see if Tika even understands the question. She’s dating. She is not married to the person they say she is on Wikipedia.
I cannot stress enough how bizarre Nene’s behavior is. She’s Nene from da hood on 11. You must seek this show out.
Next they play some ratchet version of Marry, Fuck, Kill. The game itself is irrelevant. Nene seems to be trying to channel Bevy Smith at this point. She is making her weird faces and talking in some sort of odd voice. I think her head might spin around like that chick in that movie from the olden days. They spin the wheel and it’s Kevin Hart, Adam Levine and Ray J. Nene turns to the audience and says, “Look at Kevin Hart! His pockets are fat!” then she plays with her hair while gyrating. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! I can hear the Nenetards already but I am telling you what my eyes are seeing!
There was a cooking segment. I zipped through and did not see Nene. Everyone is back at the table for viewer questions. The question is should I stop birth control even though my husband wants to wait. The ladies start talking and Nene’s hand gestures have now become a cross between a crossing guard and someone feeling the holy ghost. Palms out, waving in the air. Nene says that trapping a man is always the wrong move. Yes she did. I suppose she should know. She also overlooks the fact the this woman has already made the ultimate accomplishment for women everywhere by being married.
After the break, Nene continues to bounce up and down on her chair and clap like an over industrious hooker at an insurance conference and interrupt the promos with OOOOHS and AAAAHHHs . It’s crazy folks.
That was the most ratchet thing I’ve ever seen. It totally had my attention the entire hour. I’m quite convinced that we should all have some of whatever Nene Leakes is having. Allegedly.