We start with a Vanderpump family meeting. I’m having audio problems. Lisa spends her family time talking about Kristen. Of course she does. Pandy, Max, and Ken all jump on the Kristen hate bus. Lisa is hesitant to fire Kristen because she secretly adores her.
Cut to James DJing a pool party. Kristen and James are partying down. Jax is there. Jax is talking about how crazy Kristen is, as if this is news. Carmen it there. She seems to have lost her resolve to stay away from Jax. She says she wishes he would not drink so much and bickering ensues. Jax hands Carmon is phone so she can verify he is not texting anyone else. I am waiting for the set up shocking information she finds. Oh and there it is. Kristen grabs the phone and reads a text about Schwartz fucking some girl in Vegas. That was not a production set up at all.
The Toms and Katie go out to a super cool looking bar. I think it’s called Lock and Key. Anyway. Sandoval is pretending to be emotionally scarred by Miami Girl still. Someone said the other day that this show is so The Hills 2014 and it totally is. Scheana and Mike show up to join them. Scheana is worried about Kristen’s behavior at her wedding. Sandoval volunteers to cover the ice for Scheana’s wedding. That is so nice, actually. Meanwhile, Jax tips off Schwartz that the Las Vegas situation blown. Schwartz immediately grabs Katie and tells her that he kissed a girl in Vegas. He’s really wanted to tell her for a long time but he didn’t know how. He’s trying to cover his ass before Jax or Kristen blow him up. Okay problem with the story. The story is he snuck out to an after party he was shitfaced and he made out with a random girl but nothing happened. Here’s fuck up number one, he says he didn’t even remember if something happened so HE HAD TO CALL HER AND ASK HER. Why does he have the number of some girl he drunkenly made out with? Next point, het told her he didn’t remember what they did and he has a girlfriend. A guy would never do that. Not even sexually fluid Schwartz. He’s a terrible liar/actor. Then dumbass Schwartz makes it clear he is only telling her because Jax is about to. #Dumbass
Katie and Schwartz have a private conversation. Katie is pissed that Schwartz dropped the bomb when they were out with their friends. Katie goes in and Schwartz is like a little puppy getting scolded for pissing in the house. Tom does all of the requisite “I’m sorrys.” Later, Scheana and Arianna blame Jax for Schwartz cheating.
Off to SUR everyone goes. Kristen gets called in by all four owners to get fired. That seems very excessive to me. Lisa realizes this and sends out the men. Leaving the female owner and Diana there. Kristen doesn’t take any responsibility for what happened. She doesn’t apologize to Diana. She does nothing to try to save her job. And Lisa fires her. Kristen storms out with no apologies. She tells James and then storms off texting someone. Who the hell is she texting? Her mama? SUR breaks out in jubilant celebrations. The front of the house, the back of the house, it’s like a New Years Eve level celebration going on among the staff.
Kristen has a SURetirement celebration with her friends without a care in the world, as James heads off to SUR to work.
Katie has lunch with that nameless Stassi minion. So far we have only seen Stassi in flashbacks. Is she gone for good? Why is this minion still relevant? I hate her little alien head with the flat hair. I hate her buck teeth. I hate that she has zero personality. Make her go away.
Schwartz stops over to see Jax. Jax has a fitness app. He is getting a free commercial for it too! Schwartz is pissed that Jax threw him under the bus. An argument ensues about who has the most issues keeping their dick in their pants. Jax points out that the Toms are no better at it than he his. Jax asks if he told Katie the truth. Schwartz says, “Yeah man, I told her we hooked up!” Jax says, “You told her you two totally hooked up, fully?” Schwartz says “Yeah.” Oopsy. Liar pants. Schwartz then backtracks and says they didn’t have sex. Jax says he’s lying. Schwartz says ” Do you want to get started?” Schwartz talks about Jax talking about Sandoval in Miami. Schwartz is pissed. He never rats out Jax.
Next Week: Scheana’s “Wedding Weekend” begins. That sound like at least three fucking episodes. Kristen is still invited but Scheana is nervous. Arianna doesn’t want to stay in the same resort as Kristen. For some reason Sandoval and James are somewhere together. Sandavol tells him Kristen continues to text him and it’s inappropriate. Kristen seems to be in top crazy form looking forward to the wedding. Even doofus James seems worried. It looks like the wedding starts late. So sort of last minute issue with Scheana.