The gang returns from Miami. In the grand scheme of things, the trip was a success. Sure there was the dramatic reveal of Jax’s previous life as a gay sugarboy, and his later blog that basically said, “Hey! Sandoval did it too!” And yeah, Kristen let her crazy fly in an attempt to further her plans to break up Sandoval and his beard. But in the grand scheme of all things Vanderpump Rules, the trip was a success. Why? Because Stassi was not there. Unfortunately, I fear we will make up for that with a double dose of Stassi this episode. If so, this will be a short blog.
We begin with Stassi taking a minion to work at SUR. Because Stassi hates SUR and avoids it like the plague. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. Stassi is now mad at the minion for being happy that Katie enjoyed Miami. Stassi won’t even drop the girl off at the door because she doesn’t want to see all the people who had fun without her in Miami.
Vail, on her probable hookup with Jax in Miami, “Blackouts are God’s way of saying, ‘don’t worry about it!’ Oh she’s a wise one. And Peter is all over the fresh meat like Apollo on stolen mail. Vail is sniffing all around him as well. I remember when I liked Peter. I liked my former delusions. I miss them so much.
Scheana and Shay and Kristen and Stassi pretending to work on Scheana’s “music” or her seating chart for her wedding, or oh fuck it the scene is about breaking but Tom and Ariana. The little British busboy points out that, at the guys party in Miami, Sandoval seemed very nervous about Jax talking about the girl in Miami who claims to have slept with Sandoval on a previous trip. Scheana asks about Kristen’s talk with Tom and she whispers to Scheana that talking about it in front of the busboy hurts his feelers. Then we get a whole talking head from the busboy about Kristen disrespecting him with regard to Sandoval all the time.
Jax meets up with Carmen for lunch. Wait. Isn’t she the smart one who told him to go fuck himself? Ah, they always want the one they can’t have. Carmen again tells Jax that he has a girlfriend. Jax says that he broke up with Tiffany. He’s a lying liar who lies. Jax gives Carmen a big apology. In his talking head, Jax says that Carmen is the best sex he has ever had, and that she says he is the best she has ever had. Oh dear Gawd, Jax. Please stop humiliating this lovely young woman on television! Jax invites Carmen to the wedding. She says no. She is coming without a date and so is he. He just happened to rent a cottage at the wedding location. She says she is not spending the night. Jax swears he has no ulterior motive. His lips are moving when he says this so, he’s lying.
Lisa is back directing the relationships of her servants. I mean servers. Lisa is telling Katie to just separate herself from Stassi.
Oh, now this is interesting. Ariana has a new on screen friend. Her name is Rachel and she’s a standup comedian. She does a lot of jokes about her ex-boyfriend. One is about how she installed a nanny cam because she thought he was cheating but it was just hours of him jacking off all day. The boyfriend was Jax. This is super! Rachel introduced her to Tom through Jax. The Miami girl, Ann Marie, will be in LA and wants to confront Sandoval in front of Ariana. Kristen has received verification of Ann Marie’s assertion through vivid descriptions of Sandoval’s “small shaved penis.” This is AWESOME!
Peter lives in a hovel. I mean it’s a cute little WeHo apartment building but his furniture consists of a mattress on the floor that he got from Sheree’s kid and a set of golf clubs.
Stassi has three minions over. All of them work at SUR. Doesn’t she have any OTHER minions? She is now making statement necklaces because they are her favorite accessory. She tells us this in a talking head with no necklace on.
Peter takes Vail out for drinks at 5 pm. She wants hot tea. He wants Malbec and orders a bottle. Then he stares at her awkwardly. Jax was right, Peter really doesn’t have any game. Vail is thinking of playing the lesbian card. Peter dated Stassi and Katie at the same time and tells Vail this. He seems proud of the fact that he and Jax are Eskimo brothers. That is not an exclusive club by any measure. Now things are awkward at work. This is why you don’t date co-workers. Lisa says to Peter that he seems to really like Jax’ sloppy seconds. Lisa reminds Peter that he is the boss, he should be above them, not on top of them.
JAMES! That is the busboy’s name. Anyway, James and Kristen go to lunch and Kristen sort of makes fun of Scheana’s singing. Come on Kristen, she’s your only ally at the moment. Even if it is true, be nice. Kristen stupidly talks to James about Ann Marie showing up. James is clearly tires of all the Sandoval situation. I’d feel sorry for James if he had better hair. I can’t stop looking at it in this scene.
Stassi and Katie meet up for tea. Stassi is expecting an apology. Stassi is sporting white eyeliner in hopes of getting picked up by a Real Housewives franchise. Stassi is being a cunt. They play a montage of their friendship. Katie gets Stassi together. Stassi is shocked that Katie finally has a backbone. Life is about choices and Katie chooses Katie! Katie leaves Stassi sitting alone crying.
Best ending scene ever.
Next week: ANNA MARIE is at SUR! This somehow ends Scheana’s relationship with Kristen. Oh and Anna Marie is super skanky.
Uugh Stassi . her so called Jewelry line …and havinfvthe girls over ONLY to did others ….aahhh…she makes me sick. Again,why is she on VR!?
Ok my phone got dropped this weekend by my youngest ! Here is what I was saying. …aacckk Stassi, she sucks! Why is she on VR ? And also What friggin jewelry line ? Where the hell is this so called e Boyfriend that HAD to move there to LA? Really ? Srassi …go live with Mommy or Daddy..none wants you on reality TV.
Most people leave macaroni necklaces (statement pieces) behind them in grade school.
V Rules is disgusting enough, but with Stassi, it is literally unwatchable. No wait, even without Stassi, it is literally unwatchable. Every time I accidentally turn it on, I can’t change the channel quick enough. It is so pathetic. Who could possibly care about this collection of vapid, vain, clueless, over sexed, worthless assholes?
me! me! me! I do! I feel so much saner and less whorish!
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 4:28 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Me too… and pretty much everyone who comments on this part of the blog.
laughed aloud at Stassi’s “studio”. Loved how her two friends (ie people she knows who want to be on tv). stood there awkwardly after she showed them the jewelry. The cartoon caption above their heads just screamed “Can you support yourself making 2 necklaces a day”?
I learned in the episode, that I too have a studio! All of this time, I’ve been calling it the hall!
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 4:31 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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So funny!! Evidently I too have a studio!!
This is a great lesson for guys going off on drug/alcohol crazed weekends with their buds. Not only can you bring home an STD but you can catch a “kook” like . . . . Ann Marie.
I’m sorry, but that James kid is just SO punchable.
Don’t be sorry. Even Schwartz punched him. SCHWARTZ.
Tamara, why are they all gay and not even hiding it??? I mean, Whats the point in having a beard? You can’t be like, “Oh, yeah, don’t worry about this guy entering me from behind, my girlfriend’s over there. No homo.” and excpect people to believe it! So frustrating…
Maybe so they can get straight roles? I think Schwartz MIGHT be straight. After this I’m not even so sure about Peter.
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 5:51 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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I’m with you on the hair. THE HAIR.
Yes. So SO punchable! His face already looks like it’s been punched in a few times before.
I’ll sing that song when Stassi is fired from VR, dumped by her bf and is crawling back to Bravo/Lisa. Too harsh?
She will be fired by Bravo unless she finds a way to humble herself. Hahaha….yeah like I can see that happening! Her so called boyfriend, if he is really “a man”, will dump her unless she is all that in the boudoir. Oh wait, she’s not. Jax said Carmen was the best sex he has had. Take that Stassi.
âYes, because, humility is a quality that Bravo looks for when hiring reality whores….
Oh wait.
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 6:11 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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NO, not for Bravo’s sake! How can she be on a show when she is not friends with “these people” and not in Lisa’s good graces? Remember, she told off Lisa once this season and said some none too nice comments in her talking head. She would have to humble herself to them. And well let’s remember the viewers too. Bravo’s favorite excuse to fire someone is that they don’t get along with anyone and no one wants to film with you. Kristen has both the whore and crazy covered so Stasst girl, bye!
You forgot spit out of the bottom of the porn industry.
Lisa put it so succinctly: Stassi wants followers, not friends. Stassi is one of the most immature, emotionally stunted, narcissistic, vicious cunts I’ve ever seen on reality tv. What a loser.
Well said !
so she spends all day designing horrible necklaces? I think it is called a hobby…
Okay, I guess I am the only one who was completely freaked out by Peter. He came across as very rapey, ordering a bottle of wine for someone who has admitted to having blackouts.
It really creeped me out.
I was really creeped out by Peter. Not just you.
I was more creeped out by his gross apartment and 10 year old condom packages.
As far as a peen goes, dirty apartment, sticky sheets, former/present Stassi minion, what the hell was up with that moony face? Is that Peter’s idea of sexy? Yikes.
I agree totally. Besides his place, which was gross and looked really loser, his manner on the date or whatever it was, was a major turn off. He came off alot different than he did at Sur. At Sur he seemed genuine and maybe decent and serious about finding someone. He was ok at first, but as he started to speak it went down hill. He bragged about hooking up with both Stassi and Katie, and that he had been faced with making a choice. This was all said with a big shit eating grin on his face. Made him look like a douche bag with a peter pan complex, as he doesn’t know hi w to act. Then the gaze into the eyes, with no decent conversation, alng with the wine, looked lije a cheap, cheesy ploy to get Vail drunk and in bed. Something that would work on a real young fan. Very transparent that hes not relationship material, shallow, immature, classless, creepy, unimpressive and empty. Too stupud to even know where he went wrong.
It think Peter’s acting exercise for this season was, “Okay you played the romantic lothario, now play the socially awkward possibly serial killer role” Perhaps he is trying to show range.
I know I will probably incur the disapproving of Tamara, but Kristin makes me want to throw things at the television. I hate her so much.
Also, during the Katie / Stassi breakup scene, I actually found myself saying out loud “good for you, Katie… good for you.” To which the man friend says “You realize you’re talking to the television, right?”
There’s a thin line between love and hate and baby you’re almost on it! lol #Outkast
You’re just not looking at things right. She’s not the best girlfriend in the world. You would not want her as a roommate, but for personal amusement reasons….she rocks! I SHALL CONVERT YOU!
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 6:04 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Maybe it’s because I’ve dealt with almost that level of crazy. Crazy Ex PTSD, perhaps. The more I watch, the more I find nothing redeeming about her. My ice is getting thinner and thinner isn’t it? =)
TT, you are honestly the one who made me change my opinion of Kristen. I highly encourage it! Kristen is wonderful when you think pure entertainment. Oh, the level of delusion! Made even better by Ariana’s “I don’t really give a shit” attitude concerning Tom.
YES!
On Thu, Jan 22, 2015 at 1:40 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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“Also, during the Katie / Stassi breakup scene, I actually found myself saying out loud ‘good for you, Katie… good for you.'”
I did the same thing. xD
I haven’t watched any episodes this season, but I really do enjoy reading your recaps. I’ve read the last two, and I really like this Vail girl. She seems to have some awesome quotes.
Also, Kristen is my favorite. Is she the one that got slapped last season? Her brand of crazy is my favorite. I feel like we’d be bff in real life.
Yeah I think Kristen was smacked down last season.
Yeah… Stassi smacked her (I think)
That slap had to hurt, it hurt me watching it.
I am A Gay, but I think I’m crushing on Vail.
“I might have to pull out the I’m a lesbian card. I’ve not done that in a long time. Because I stopped being a lesbian. *deadpan*”
I. Love. Her. And she’s pretty.
I think Vail threw her goodness, beauty and intelligence away when she allowed herself to be Jaxed in Miami. She and Carmen could be twins but Carmen is too honest. She sure gave Jax an intellectual beating.
I really don’t like Vail. Relapse already or stop talking about it constantly. What is she bringing to the show? Oh, maybe replacing the resident blonde actress wannabe???
I’m not keen on her either, and I really don’t think she is that pretty, but I like her hair. She just seems like an obvious plant by the producers of the show.
Wouldn’t you love to see a show with Stassi, NeNe, Ramona & maybe Theresa (when she gets out of jail). They would have to deal with each other.
No. Not unless they were being painfully abused in some way.
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 7:48 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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For real. That sounds like a whole new level of hell. Ugh.
Note to Jax: “Wining and dining” does not apply when there are French fries involved!!!!
Unless the wine is very good and the French Fries are called Pomme Frites on the menu. 🙂
On Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 8:41 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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…and they are served in Paris? Maybe then…
I’m clueless! I have never thought of myself as narrow or even open minded. I like to drive in my own lane. I still don’t get it. Did Tom and Ariana have a commitment (so soon after his break with Kristen) when he went to Miami? Were he and Ariana just dating, did they form a commitment; were they
living together? As far as I am concerned, if people are not “married” and have no commitment, they can do whatever they wish.
You’re talking like a person with maturity and common sense — which is not these people. These people get pissed off about things the other did before they even met each other.
You nailed it! No “ownership papers” means no owner! The master-less pooch can chase kitty cats in any yard in the neighborhood.
I heard that Tom was complaining to the Miami girl that he felt he jumped into a relationship too soon and he was regretting . It, after the Kristen break up. Not sure what else he told her. If thats true, then Tom was in a committed relationship, and did cheat on Arianna right away. I would be upset if I was Arianna. Wouldnt make me feel very special , that as soon as we had a chance to be together after our amazing chemstry he has sex with some random girl. I dont mind the miami girl confronting Tom, because Im so sick of guys lying and saying everythng and anythng and manipulating emotions to get a piece of ass. Even Lisa said to Tom, why woukd she cone all tge way out here if nothing happened? Toms look of terror said it all for me.
I can think of a few reasons Miami girl would go to LA even if it isnt true. She’s obviously the groupie type wanting attention-she clearly hung out w him (doesnt mean they had sex) then reaches out to his ex girlfriend to start trouble. Fly to LA, meet the players AND be on tv? Some people will do anything for what they perceive as their 15 min. I dont believe her. I hope it isnt true anyway.
For a free trip to LA to be on TV.
This is a Bravo “reality” show. Are you guys seriously debating this?
Not really. Its all in theory for me, as what is real and what isnt and is scripted is unknowable. So for me ,its just situations that mirror our culture , and make you think about how you would see it, if it were true.
Someone should tell Stassi that Maude wants her wardrobe back.
LMAO.. You hit the nail on the head!
I cannot even begin to explain why I find Vanderpump Rules entertaining but I love it so much. I think Stassi’s tears were real. The look of shock on her face was genuine when Katie finally stood up for herself. She had no idea that was how the lunch was going to go. It was quite apparent Katie came into the lunch already knowing that she was going to end the friendship while Stassi thought Katie was going to grovel. Watching Stassi realize she’d lost control over the situation was a thing of beauty. My favorite? Katie excusing herself from the table immediately after delivering her decision. Stassi legit did not know what just hit her. Way to drop the mic and get the eff out of a toxic friendship. Best breakup scene in this show’s history.
We like this show because it is a catalog of what not to do if we want to succeed at interpersonal relationships.
It was weird when Stassi said something like ‘you are my last connection to SUR and those people’, like she finally realised her days on the show were numbered if Katie were to cut her off. Funny though.
Peter. Just ugh. I finally see why he wears that sloppy pony tail. Receding hairline. Change your sheets, dude.
That would be ok with me (a receeding hair line), if he was a sweet guy ,with a good personality , and at least a decent home and clean sheets . But no no and no. Hes into being the big ladies man. Yuk, how original. And then he doesn’t really have the goods to back it up. A dud who’s living like a over the hill frat boy.
Fantastic recap! Loved it !! As Jax & Tom used to say in their Miami sugar boi days : “Faboo, Dahlink! Faboo!” I can’t stop laughing at this one.
Don’t you mean “Jason” and Tom? LOL!
I’m sure they have mentioned Jax’s age before, but when they said 35 my mouth hit the floor. I can’t believe I’m only two years older than this guy…his mental age must be 15.
Maybe Tom’s secret is he’s Bisexual and he’s leaving SUR to work at PUMP( the gay bar) where he can find his true identity. Lol I mean his GF kinda looks as though she might go both ways as well. Who knows, knowing BEAVO, its just a way to keep us watching for ratings so they get paid. (Higher Ratings)