The gang returns from Miami. In the grand scheme of things, the trip was a success. Sure there was the dramatic reveal of Jax’s previous life as a gay sugarboy, and his later blog that basically said, “Hey! Sandoval did it too!” And yeah, Kristen let her crazy fly in an attempt to further her plans to break up Sandoval and his beard. But in the grand scheme of all things Vanderpump Rules, the trip was a success. Why? Because Stassi was not there. Unfortunately, I fear we will make up for that with a double dose of Stassi this episode. If so, this will be a short blog.
We begin with Stassi taking a minion to work at SUR. Because Stassi hates SUR and avoids it like the plague. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. Stassi is now mad at the minion for being happy that Katie enjoyed Miami. Stassi won’t even drop the girl off at the door because she doesn’t want to see all the people who had fun without her in Miami.
Vail, on her probable hookup with Jax in Miami, “Blackouts are God’s way of saying, ‘don’t worry about it!’ Oh she’s a wise one. And Peter is all over the fresh meat like Apollo on stolen mail. Vail is sniffing all around him as well. I remember when I liked Peter. I liked my former delusions. I miss them so much.
Scheana and Shay and Kristen and Stassi pretending to work on Scheana’s “music” or her seating chart for her wedding, or oh fuck it the scene is about breaking but Tom and Ariana. The little British busboy points out that, at the guys party in Miami, Sandoval seemed very nervous about Jax talking about the girl in Miami who claims to have slept with Sandoval on a previous trip. Scheana asks about Kristen’s talk with Tom and she whispers to Scheana that talking about it in front of the busboy hurts his feelers. Then we get a whole talking head from the busboy about Kristen disrespecting him with regard to Sandoval all the time.
Jax meets up with Carmen for lunch. Wait. Isn’t she the smart one who told him to go fuck himself? Ah, they always want the one they can’t have. Carmen again tells Jax that he has a girlfriend. Jax says that he broke up with Tiffany. He’s a lying liar who lies. Jax gives Carmen a big apology. In his talking head, Jax says that Carmen is the best sex he has ever had, and that she says he is the best she has ever had. Oh dear Gawd, Jax. Please stop humiliating this lovely young woman on television! Jax invites Carmen to the wedding. She says no. She is coming without a date and so is he. He just happened to rent a cottage at the wedding location. She says she is not spending the night. Jax swears he has no ulterior motive. His lips are moving when he says this so, he’s lying.
Lisa is back directing the relationships of her servants. I mean servers. Lisa is telling Katie to just separate herself from Stassi.
Oh, now this is interesting. Ariana has a new on screen friend. Her name is Rachel and she’s a standup comedian. She does a lot of jokes about her ex-boyfriend. One is about how she installed a nanny cam because she thought he was cheating but it was just hours of him jacking off all day. The boyfriend was Jax. This is super! Rachel introduced her to Tom through Jax. The Miami girl, Ann Marie, will be in LA and wants to confront Sandoval in front of Ariana. Kristen has received verification of Ann Marie’s assertion through vivid descriptions of Sandoval’s “small shaved penis.” This is AWESOME!
Peter lives in a hovel. I mean it’s a cute little WeHo apartment building but his furniture consists of a mattress on the floor that he got from Sheree’s kid and a set of golf clubs.
Stassi has three minions over. All of them work at SUR. Doesn’t she have any OTHER minions? She is now making statement necklaces because they are her favorite accessory. She tells us this in a talking head with no necklace on.
Peter takes Vail out for drinks at 5 pm. She wants hot tea. He wants Malbec and orders a bottle. Then he stares at her awkwardly. Jax was right, Peter really doesn’t have any game. Vail is thinking of playing the lesbian card. Peter dated Stassi and Katie at the same time and tells Vail this. He seems proud of the fact that he and Jax are Eskimo brothers. That is not an exclusive club by any measure. Now things are awkward at work. This is why you don’t date co-workers. Lisa says to Peter that he seems to really like Jax’ sloppy seconds. Lisa reminds Peter that he is the boss, he should be above them, not on top of them.
JAMES! That is the busboy’s name. Anyway, James and Kristen go to lunch and Kristen sort of makes fun of Scheana’s singing. Come on Kristen, she’s your only ally at the moment. Even if it is true, be nice. Kristen stupidly talks to James about Ann Marie showing up. James is clearly tires of all the Sandoval situation. I’d feel sorry for James if he had better hair. I can’t stop looking at it in this scene.
Stassi and Katie meet up for tea. Stassi is expecting an apology. Stassi is sporting white eyeliner in hopes of getting picked up by a Real Housewives franchise. Stassi is being a cunt. They play a montage of their friendship. Katie gets Stassi together. Stassi is shocked that Katie finally has a backbone. Life is about choices and Katie chooses Katie! Katie leaves Stassi sitting alone crying.
Best ending scene ever.
Next week: ANNA MARIE is at SUR! This somehow ends Scheana’s relationship with Kristen. Oh and Anna Marie is super skanky.